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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I go on more dates with a separated man?

49 replies

enkelt2 · 17/09/2024 23:02

Hi, so I recently got out of an intense relationship. I wasn't going to start dating until 2-3 more months later, because I wanted to clear my mind first.

But life happened and I went on a date with a man who is currently "separated". He's 39, married 5 years, and separated since April this year. The wife lives with their two kids in their place while he rents another flat and lives with flatmates. They've got two kids. The older one is five and the second one is... well, apparently just 2 months.

I just think it's odd that you would "separate" with your wife when she's 7 months pregnant? I was never married and never had a kid, so maybe my instincts are off... I just want your opinion on this. Is this odd? Should I stop going on dates solely based on this?

I don't think I mind a "separated" relationship too much in the beginning stages-- I would have plenty of opportunities to see if they're really on the path of divorcing. But knowing that they very recently had a child together, I feel that their relationship is better than he'd like to admit? Am I wrong?

Should I go on more dates, just to know more about this person? Or should I end it here? The first date went pretty well, he's very transparent about everything. He's very keen on a second date.

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/09/2024 23:58

Grendell · 17/09/2024 23:23

I'm so old and jaded I'd probably check in with the wife and confirm she knows she is separated. If she confirms the separation, I would ask her what happened for him to leave her while she was pregnant. It's gotta be a really interesting story. And then I'd ditch him.

Yes this this this!!!!

My ex fiance turned nasty as soon as I was pregnant and left me at 8m pregnant. I was traumatized but I didn't ever beg him
To come home.
He was truly awful and was inconsistent and vile for a year and still is awful but is now playing the part of fathers for justice want 50/50 now that our child is a toddler and he's moved in with the girlfriend he apparently met when out baby was four months old. Who knows what story he told her to convince her to go out with him but it definitely wasn't the truth. I did a Clare's law and there was a history before me of abuse accusations too. Please be very careful.

Abusers get worse when their victim is pregnant.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/09/2024 23:59

isthismylifenow · 18/09/2024 05:55

I most definitely would be stepping away from this one.

Firstly it's too soon. He's been seperated for 5 months.

Secondly he has a newborn child, so he left his wife while heavily pregnant. This in itself is major.

This has drama written all over it.

also if he is a good decent guy he will be putting her first and dropping you left right and centre when the baby needs something. If he doesn't do this then he's a prick. Either way you lose.

Notamum12345577 · 19/09/2024 00:02

People saying that he left her 7 months pregnant. Maybe she left him? Though I do think it is too quick for him to be dating

patchworkbear · 19/09/2024 00:15

peribaddreams · 18/09/2024 06:09

Also, a tiny baby and a 5 year old adjusting to being a sibling; the sleepless nights, the exhaustion. If you've not had children, you can't possibly understand how terribly hard that is. Then throw in a husband who has trotted off to live in a flat with flatmates at nearly 40 and rather than supporting his wife who he cared about enough to have two children with he's on the dating scene?
His poor wife. Don't be next!

This with bells on.

Op, I'm a mum and I wouldn't date anyone with children- i wouldn't have the energy first of all and then to play mum to someone else's kids- no thanks!

Original poster

enkelt2 · 19/09/2024 11:53

OK, thanks for your input!

I didn't know he had such young children before going on this first date. The only thing I knew when we first met (not a date, in a group setting) is that he's got an "ex-wife". He only spilled everything out in our first date. He switched between "ex-wife" and "wife" so I think in his mind he's still very much attached to the "wife".

The low self-esteem comment is interesting, I wonder so myself. I guess it's because so many people in my social circle are dating or "partnered", and even at work I work mostly with families. And while I'm not exactly keen on having children, I am 31 and I would like to be with someone than single..

Anyway, the point is he's not exactly my type to start with. 😂Just wanted a confirmation that my instincts are right.

OP posts:

Original poster

enkelt2 · 19/09/2024 11:58

Just want to add that... I will not rule out seeing him a second time, but mostly just to find out about the story and maybe learn from it. I would like to think that life is messy and he's not a bad person, and I just want to know!!!

But yep gotta be careful with getting attached.

OP posts:

Original poster

enkelt2 · 19/09/2024 12:00

OK though I may be talking to myself now but I think I should pass on the second date.

OP posts:

Lemonmelon1 · 19/09/2024 12:05

enkelt2 · 19/09/2024 12:00

OK though I may be talking to myself now but I think I should pass on the second date.

From my experience I'd say run!
Having done it myself and now living with the consequences I'm not sure it's worth the stress

Outnumberedmummy2022 · 19/09/2024 12:08

Rainbowqueeen · 17/09/2024 23:14

For several reasons. I would have no interest in being a step mother to children this young. Separating with children that young is a red flag. It's very early days in the separation. Why is he dating? I would expect him to be far too busy parenting, moving forward with the divorce and organising an appropriate place to live so that he can do his fair share in parenting to have time for dating.

Of course he's keen to have a second date. A lot of women would not touch him with a barge pole and he knows this

This 100%

GoldenSunflowers · 19/09/2024 12:10

What would you learn, OP? A version of a story, is all you’ll have. What do you do with it? Believe it = future dates, not believe it = more wasted time? He’s a dad of a newborn and he’s desperate for attention or “has needs”.

isthismylifenow · 19/09/2024 12:18

enkelt2 · 19/09/2024 12:00

OK though I may be talking to myself now but I think I should pass on the second date.

It sounds like you are thinking you need to see this through. Like some sort of closure, to figure him out.. is he telling the truth etc.

Also perhaps like maybe you could fix things, even maybe make things better?

If any of this rings true, rather just say thanks, nice to meet you, but this is not going to work for me.

For your own sake.

TwistedWonder · 19/09/2024 12:24

enkelt2 · 19/09/2024 11:58

But yep gotta be careful with getting attached.

Why? So he can spin you more of his side of the story and persuade you he’s the victim?

Dont waste your time

SwiftiesVSLestat · 19/09/2024 12:35

enkelt2 · 19/09/2024 12:00

OK though I may be talking to myself now but I think I should pass on the second date.

Why on earth would you go on a second date? You won’t find out if his story is true or not. You are saying that because for whatever reason you want to go on a second date.

What you do know is that he isn’t your type, He has a new born baby, an older child and instead of concentrating on them he is spending his time dating. A heavily pregnant woman wouldn’t usually separate from her husband unless he has done something wrong. So he either left his wife heavily pregnant or did something so shitty she couldn’t move past it.

Do you believe he is shouldering his share of the care of this children and making sure the children’s mother has plenty of time to herself. Enough to date, should she want to?

Or do you think he is leaving most of it to her so he can have his own life?

There’s really no way to spin this, that is worth dating or wasting time in trying to find out if his story is true.

Then add on he could be lying and he is with his wife. Do you need a woman who gave birth 8 weeks ago finding out you are the OW? Do you think that would be a pleasant situation for you to be in?

Opentooffers · 19/09/2024 13:18

I think pass on second date, it only serves to get his hopes up, and makes it harder to end, and more tempting for you to do a third date.
2 ways his relationship ended whilst having a young DC and her pregnant. Either he did something really awful (or behaved in a really awful way) for her to ditch him in those circumstances, or he dumped her when at her most vulnerable despite being a father already so he's the type to cut and run when things get hard.
Neither reason shows him in a good light and a big red flag.
Years ago I tried dating 2 separated men. But separated is still married, both claimed that they would be sorting divorce, both lived separately ( I had some standards). Both are still married to this day, haven't cut the ties, I'm glad to be out of their messy lives, and would never entertain it again.

Pyjamatimenow · 19/09/2024 13:23

It’s a really bad idea to get involved with men with kids particularly if you don’t have them yourself. You’re really selling yourself short. If you settle down and have kids with him, he’s always going to be caught between two families. His time and money will be split. That’s if he’s a good man! These things become issues as time goes on. You’d really be better off giving him a miss

OhDearMuriel · 19/09/2024 21:29

I wouldn't touch a separated man with a bargepole, unless you want to get your fingers very burnt.

MixieMatchie · 20/09/2024 13:12

CheekyHobson · 18/09/2024 07:51

But knowing that they very recently had a child together, I feel that their relationship is better than he'd like to admit?

The real issue isn't that their relationship might be better than you think. It's that with the exception of the mother having severe mental health issues that put him at risk or that she is seriously abusive*, any man who leaves his 7-months-pregnant wife is scum of the highest order.

*And if his wife is that bad, he should be fighting tooth and nail for custody of the children.

Exactly this. Either he left her, or he did something so awful she ended the marriage while seven months pregnant. I am guessing he was unfaithful to her and the marriage became untenable.

This isn't boyfriend/girlfriend stuff, you don't just end a marriage when you're seven months pregnant for no good reason. If you're worrying about whether he still fancies her, you're worrying about the wrong things. This is not going to be a decent man with honourable intentions who you'll be able to count on.

Original poster

enkelt2 · 20/09/2024 17:13

thanks guys! I sent a brief message and he was civil about it.

OP posts:

LadySummerislesApple · 20/09/2024 17:16

2 month old baby!? Fuck that, no way.

Walk away now.

landris · 20/09/2024 17:16

Well done @enkelt2 you did the right thing.

GuestFeatu · 20/09/2024 17:19

My DH was separated from his XW when we started dating and his DC was young - only about 5 months when they split, 7 months when we started dating. I didn't know his split was as recent as that - he implied it was longer! Honestly it worked out really well for us in the end (now married and many years later) but it was messy and problematic at first and if I was being sensible I should have stayed away glad I didn't though

caringcarer · 20/09/2024 17:42

🚩

OrangeTeabags · 20/09/2024 20:28

Did you meet him on a dating app?

Just the thought of a man with kids that young prioritising dating would give me a serious ick.

Two month old baby??

As a pp said, he should be prioritising seeing his kids, being a supportive co-parent and sorting a place to live he can entertain his children in.

Not dating at this point.

badgerpatrol · 21/09/2024 00:05

Pinkyhere · 18/09/2024 07:02

I wouldn't be able to think of anything else other than the wife at home with a 2 month old baby and 5 yr old whilst daddy tries to pull.
Grim

Exactly.
Even if they are separated he should be doing his fair share to look after the 5 year old at least bath/bed etc. That poor child has lost a father and gained a sibling in a matter of weeks!

Also doesn't he want to be around his new born child? Make the mother of his children a cup of tea while she's recovering from having another child?

It's very grim to be out dating while his family are going through all that. Not really a catch, I wouldn't wipe my feet on him.

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