Husband involving social services because I want to separate

[Sunshinebeyond]

I've told my husband I wish to separate. He has a mental health condition and a drug addiction problem. It's got significantly worse over the last 6 months enough is enough I've tried to help him over the years but he won't help himself and I've realised nothing will improve and he has no intention of quitting drugs. Myself and my daughter have had enough, she is old enough now to have an idea of what's going on, I naively hoped he would of sorted himself out by now. I've stopped attending his MH appointments with him now as he isn't honest with them and I don't really see hoe they help as he doesn't engage with them at appointments. He has told the Dr I am financially abusing him as I manage all the money and he has to ask for any money. He never had an issue with this before as I pay all the bills etc and we had an agreement of how much he can spend on his drugs, I don't feel proud to say that but it was a kind of compromise. He has gotten more demanding as his addiction has spiralled and I've tried to put my foot down and tell him no when he is unreasonable. I feel he is trying to make out I am the bad guy in all this, when in fact he is a manipulative and emotionally controlling bully. What I am asking is has anyone had a similar experience? Will social services see the true situation here? The lady who phoned me was very compassionate and seems to be on my side with it all so to speak and she also mentioned a statement my daughter had given the other week to police when I had to call them as my husband was trying to make us leave the house and said he didn't trust himself, in which I my daughter said she often goes without treats because of his spending habits. I feel he is doing this in retaliation as I want to separate as he doesn't want to, but he also doesn't want to change either.

Contact women’s aid. If he’s on the lease or has any claim to the house, go to court and get an occupation order to allow you and your daughter to remain in the home. WA can advise you on this. Also ask them to help you secure the support of an IDVA. Also, check what benefits you may be entitled to on this link

https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/survey/1/6bdcdc2d-0589-44d7-ba17-3589a3c676c0

Is it noted in his medical notes that he’s a drug addict? If so, great and if not, make sure you report that to social services. Tell them you want support to leave the relationship with your daughter because he is unsafe and you are safeguarding your daughter. Tell them he is using DARVO to paint you as abusive when in reality he is being emotionally abusive to you and your daughter as well as financially abusive. Get any incident numbers from the police. Once he’s been made to leave the house, have the locks changed and a ring doorbell installed. If he comes to the property, call the police immediately and report him. Do not answer the door. If he does it multiple times you can apply to court for a non mol order to keep him away from you and your daughter. Keep a diary of everything too. You can’t help him because he wants to remain using. Most only seek real help when they hit rock bottom and he’s not anywhere near there yet. And even if he was, you’re not qualified to help him anyway. Addicts are some of the best liars and manipulators out there. They know how to tug the heartstrings and paint themselves as the victims. I’d suggest it might also be useful for you to get support through Nar-Anon.

www.nar-anon.co.uk

Where does the money come from? Does he have his own earnings that are paid into your account or is it your earnings/family benefits that he’s wanting more of?

Mental health records and a drug test will confirm your position.

Yes, you do manage the money, which had been with his agreement, due to his spending and addiction issue. Again this rings through.

You will be fine and in fact, it's very likely to backfire on him.

This can only backfire. You’re doing everything SS would recommend and separating yourself from someone who potentially puts your child at risk. Tell him to crack on and try it.

Thank you I am currently receiving support from New Era who I was put in touch with via womens aid. It is noted on his MH records he is a drug user however he plays it down massively. Your advice has been very helpful, I have also been keeping a diary.

The money is from benefits. I am his carer, however I have expressed wanting to get back into work but he tells me it's kot worth me working, we both need to but he doesn't seem to want to and I don't think he could realistically hold down a job. He keeps saying its my money I get it for not being able to work. I say to him it's for us as a family to pay bills, food etc and to get by. I say the government does not give it to you to blow on drugs/booze.

If he no longer agrees to you managing the money, get advice from the charity about the legal situation around the benefits.

What is the housing situation?

Is the house in both your names? You need to take steps to remove him from the house.

We are both on the tenancy and it is with a housing association.

Why would it be an issue? You are separating so he will have all his own money. Stop playing down his drug use to people. He is the drug user and you are the one being stopped from getting a job by him.

Who is the lead tenant

I am not sure who is the lead tenant however I just looked at the agreement and my name is the first one.

This seems rather short sighted on his behalf given his issues.

how old is your daughter?

FWIW I would work with CSC for support on leaving, they will see that you are now acting protectively to prioritise your daughter - good luck

You've had good advice so far. I'd second trying to work with SS and somehow you need to get him out of the house snf off the lease. I don't know how you go about that but am sure WA can assist

Thankyou all for your advice. My daughter is 12 and she is at the age where she sees alot and hears alot. She is not impressed with her dad's behaviour. She should have a nice calm home environment not a chaotic one this is why I say enough is enough. I don't think her dad grasps the seriousness of the situation it's like he thinks I'm going to turn around and say let's just forget all this and carry on as normal, but I won't too much has happened now and I know he will struggle to make positive changes in his life and I question does he even want to.

Sadly you cannot reason with an addiction or an addict. That's the problem.
The only safe thing to do is for you to build a separate safe home foe you and your DD. He needs to admit he has a problem and he needs to want to fix it. He wants neither right now

This all sounds horribly frightening. He's fucked himself by calling SS. Now is your chance to get help. They have met this guy a thousand times, this won't be a new situation for them.
Make a bag with a few bits for you and your daughter and hide it, really well. Be prepared to leave the home just in case he turns really nasty.
Is he violent Sunshinebeyond? Either to you or implied violence by hitting walls near you/ smashing things et What does his MH being bad look like? What drug is he is using?

Explain it as you have here. Youve done nothing wrong. Its scare tactics. I hope you manage to get out op

He has never been violent and never hits/throws things its very much emotional abuse on his part and grinding me down until he gets his own way. And constant threats of suicide. There have been times he's threatened to smash the car up if he's not getting what he wants. He uses cannabis daily and cocaine whenever he can couple that with his mental health conditions and its not a good mix at all and also the medication he is prescribed one of them being an anti psychotic.

It sounds like you are handling this brilliantly, lots of respect to you for getting you and your daughter out of this.

I was going to say the same that’s already been said. Look upon SS as your ally. And re the he’s lying to them about the severity of his drug use, they must get that all the time.

Not sure many drug users say to them ‘oh yeah, I take lots of drugs, would blow most of our family money on it actually if I could’.

I think you should fully engage with Social services and they will be on your side in this - more specifically your daughters. He may need the help of adult social services?

Do reach out to DDs school of you haven't already. Talk to the safeguarding officer and they can keep an eye on DD and might be able to get some in school counselling in place for her and some group/activity type therapy. Having someone to talk to outside of the home will be useful for her.

Don't try and cover it up and "Stiff Upper lip" through this, let her access the help available to her.

What a combination of drugs. If he threatens suicide, call police every time. If he smashes the car up, let him. He sounds like hes morphed into a child with his “grinding you down until you give in” behaviour! Your role has gone to mum of two children.

you have done nothing wrong. Start to keep a diary of his behaviour, threats, drug taking etc.

you will get out of this situation op, one day soon you will be free

Emotional abuse is every bit as dangerous and serious as physical abuse. Threatening suicide is abusive and constitutes coercive control. Threatening to destroy your property is abusive and again constitutes coercive control. Spending the household finances and depriving you and your child of financial stability is financial abuse. Telling you you can’t work is financial control. This man is an abusive drug addict who will not change. Having mental health conditions are no excuse for being abusive to others. Plenty of people have mental health conditions and do not abuse their families. Being abusive is a CHOICE. He has control over it. Since your name appears on the lease first it will be you who is the lead tenant and your DH will be the joint tenant. Speak to your housing association and make them aware of the situation. Apply to the court for an occupation order which will make him have to leave and allow you and your daughter to remain in the home. Have the housing association change the locks so he can’t re-enter the property. Keep your doors locked at all times and if he comes to the property call the police. If he continues to harass you, either by coming to the house, turning up at your daughters school, getting friends/family to contact you, trying to contact you himself by phone, email, social media, letter, report it all to the police and then apply for a non molestation order. Block him everywhere you can and work with SS and WA to support you through this. As pp mentioned, make school aware so they can also support you and your daughter. Also, if he is on the list of people who is allowed to pick her up from school, have him removed and put a family member of your own that you trust down instead. Request that he is made to complete a drugs test. You might want to read this to help you process and recognise the abuse you and your daughter have and are experiencing.

https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/LundyWhy-does-he-do-that.pdf

Thank you to all who have given advice, it's been very helpful and given me hope that how I feel is validated. I often feel gaslit by my husband as he makes out the issue is my reaction to this behaviour and not in fact his behaviour is the issue. I still don't understand why he has said what he has, and it may well back fire on him. I'm just hoping for my daughter and myself it's a blessing in disguise that children's services will be involved. I have appointments lined up this week with a DA charity and housing just to see what my options may be. I am also awaiting a call from child services in the next few days. I need to find myself again as I have put my life on hold for some years trying to help my husband sort his out as the saying goes "you can lead a horse to water buy you can't make it drink" I need to concentrate on being the beat mother I can be and a good role model for my daughter and for us to live in a calm environment as he is rather irractic, constantly up and down in and out. And yes to add I have felt like a married single parent to 2 children, with one being like an unruly teenager for sometime now.