Controlling wife

[Stueyyy]

Hi folks,

New member to this website, married with a 19 month old daughter.

I'm just looking for some advice really regarding my wife.
We have been together for nearly 8 years married for nearly 3. Originally we were a long distance couple for a year and a half, before she moved back up to my area and moved in with me.
Originally I don't think I took notice of her constant criticisms/comments day to day as we always had a distraction, whether its a holiday, a box set or when I was playing football at the weekends.
As time's gone on I slowly started to realise my partner was being a bit controlling. I kept brushing it off thinking it was her nerves and maybe she'd settle after life events, getting married, having a child together etc. I realise now that was silly of me, and these behaviours are even worse. Some things she does now include:

1. Constantly criticising me or commenting on everything I do, this could even be small things like bringing through a washed dish that had a bit of food on it and not letting it go until I apologise, or even my own clothes not being washed in a manor that she approves of.
2. What I now understand to be gaslighting, she'll make 10-15 comments a day then if I am in any way short about a single thing, she creates a large discussion about how wrong I was and that I must apologise.
3. It progressed to checking my phone, accusing me of not being trustworthy if I had been messaging a female work colleague about anything, Meanwhile I just found out recently she has been messaging an ex boyfriend a couple of times a year who messages asking if she is single yet, to which she replies something like "not at the moment" or "not yet". Then she added the find my phone tracker to my phone, originally for safety if she was out a run, or didn't come back when expected, but now she uses mine to check where I am any time she wants, and will comment on it.
4. She's always tried to shorten time I have with my family (as they live over an hour away), she will say she needs to get a certain chore done before we can leave to delay us, then will say in the car a time we need to leave. Meanwhile we will spend 1-2 weeks at a time with her family, who live further away.
5. Its now even as far as that she makes me shower with the door open and comments if I am not actively washing at any given second, or listens in to me on the toilet and comments on if she doesn't hear expected noises.

I've tried to discuss this with her on several occasions but she is so good at arguing she will just turn any situation round to be my fault, and the argument generally ends with me having to work on something. She'll demand examples and then argue with any I give that I am wrong, till the point I don't have any more examples on the top of my head so to her she's doing nothing wrong. It leaves me feeling nothing will change and this week I got to the point I dread coming home a lot of days just wondering what criticism I'm going to face.

I'm just wondering if I am doing the right thing, or if there's another way I should approach this. Thanks for any advice any of you can give.

She sounds hideous, I'm very sorry. LTB.

I was thinking "this sounds awful" the I got to no. 5 and my jaw dropped open.

Please tell me you don't have children with her

To be honest it sounds like it's over. I couldn't live like that anyway.

No one sane comments on toilet noises. She's bonkers and I see no future in your relationship.

You need to be making plans to leave. Is she like this with the child? Obviously your DC is a priority in your plans.

If you can't have any reasonable communication with her, you need to find someone supportive who can help.
Maybe time to confide in family.

Sadly (as you have a daughter), I think your only sensible option is to leave. And then negotiate arrangements, with legal counsel, for your daughter to stay with you regularly. No one should live like that.

This is coercive control you're being subjected to. Its not a healthy relationship for your children to witness and you need to end this for your sake and theirs.

You cannot continue to live like this

That's shocking and worrying. Everything you feel is justified. I would not allow anyone to impinge on my physical privacy - this is gateway abusive. The problem is when you have been beaten down by this behaviour it's really hard to summon the strength of spirit to put a stop to it. The really difficult thing is that you have a child together and I've no doubt if you try to separate she will use this to punish you.

My nephew went through years of this. The worst thing he did was try and make it work, get back with her after leaving her and having a second child. Years down the line he had to spend a fortune in court to get custody (she was screaming in the children's faces).

As someone in their 60s with a lot of life experience I would advise get out now. Make the best you can of your relationship with your child, but put yourself first. This will not improve. Repeat. This will not improve. Best of luck.

I've just re-read and see you do have a child. Perhaps my brain short circuited after reading no 5.

I would be seeking legal advice with a view to divorce ASAP and go for primary residence of your child as you cannot leave her to be abused by your wife.

Leave and make sure the child stays with you.
She sounds unhinged.

This behaviour is unacceptable.
This is not ok...

I would end this relationship and get straight into the courts regarding your daughter this women when she knows that your no longer happy and want to split will 100% use your daughter as a weapon and use her to control you. She will stop you seeing her and just be an absolute ass about it all.

Everyone deserves happiness, you are not happy and you know this behaviour is not right or ok.

I got to no 5 and thought this is actually an abusive relationship. Coercive control. I am really sorry @Stueyyy but I think this is a walk away situation. She will only escalate and, should you ever have children together (I assume you don’t) you would find it getting worse. Domestic abuse is quite often psychological and especially so when done by women, but I’d recommend watching ‘My Wife, My Abuser’ to see where it can lead and really think hard about whether you can truly be happy in this relationship.

is this a reverse?

It says,literally in the first sentence, he does

OP this is no way to live. Is couples counselling an option?

Your wife is abusive and you need to leave her. This is untenable.

@Justcallmebebes victims should absolutely not attend counselling with their abuser.

you do need to get out but she’ll be a nightmare to co parent with

@blondemumof4 there was no need for you to quote the whole OP!

Sorry, realise you have a 19mo DD. I think this makes it more important that you address this/consider leaving as the type of relationship you and your wife are modelling will be damaging to her. Am so sorry that this makes your circumstances even more complicated.

🙈 I didn't know how to do the quote of the user name sorry!

All you have to do is write your answer.
😀

You very much need to plan for an exit there. That level of control is already horrendous, and it's only going to get worse.

Thats batshit! It's over. I can't see how you could get back to a healthy situation from this. I wouldn't stay.

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much to everyone that has messaged. I think I’ve been stuck in such a rut that I haven’t noticed how bad it has got.

This is such a hard thing to comprehend. When she is on form or out with friends, she is such amazing company, so funny and laid back, and the person I fell for, she seems to have lost that completely at home.