Controlling wife

[Stueyyy]

Hi folks,

New member to this website, married with a 19 month old daughter.

I'm just looking for some advice really regarding my wife.
We have been together for nearly 8 years married for nearly 3. Originally we were a long distance couple for a year and a half, before she moved back up to my area and moved in with me.
Originally I don't think I took notice of her constant criticisms/comments day to day as we always had a distraction, whether its a holiday, a box set or when I was playing football at the weekends.
As time's gone on I slowly started to realise my partner was being a bit controlling. I kept brushing it off thinking it was her nerves and maybe she'd settle after life events, getting married, having a child together etc. I realise now that was silly of me, and these behaviours are even worse. Some things she does now include:

1. Constantly criticising me or commenting on everything I do, this could even be small things like bringing through a washed dish that had a bit of food on it and not letting it go until I apologise, or even my own clothes not being washed in a manor that she approves of.
2. What I now understand to be gaslighting, she'll make 10-15 comments a day then if I am in any way short about a single thing, she creates a large discussion about how wrong I was and that I must apologise.
3. It progressed to checking my phone, accusing me of not being trustworthy if I had been messaging a female work colleague about anything, Meanwhile I just found out recently she has been messaging an ex boyfriend a couple of times a year who messages asking if she is single yet, to which she replies something like "not at the moment" or "not yet". Then she added the find my phone tracker to my phone, originally for safety if she was out a run, or didn't come back when expected, but now she uses mine to check where I am any time she wants, and will comment on it.
4. She's always tried to shorten time I have with my family (as they live over an hour away), she will say she needs to get a certain chore done before we can leave to delay us, then will say in the car a time we need to leave. Meanwhile we will spend 1-2 weeks at a time with her family, who live further away.
5. Its now even as far as that she makes me shower with the door open and comments if I am not actively washing at any given second, or listens in to me on the toilet and comments on if she doesn't hear expected noises.

I've tried to discuss this with her on several occasions but she is so good at arguing she will just turn any situation round to be my fault, and the argument generally ends with me having to work on something. She'll demand examples and then argue with any I give that I am wrong, till the point I don't have any more examples on the top of my head so to her she's doing nothing wrong. It leaves me feeling nothing will change and this week I got to the point I dread coming home a lot of days just wondering what criticism I'm going to face.

I'm just wondering if I am doing the right thing, or if there's another way I should approach this. Thanks for any advice any of you can give.

Has she had therapy or would she consider it? If not, you definitely need to leave.

Hi @Stueyyy my advice would be to seriously look for help to leave her .
I have had a guy friend who for over 20 years has lived this way , he's the sole earner in the family and now his adult children have moved out he's still being abused by his wife .
She takes his phone , she kicks him out of bed and makes him sleep on the couch when they live in a 4bed home , he's not allowed to sleep in a bed . He's not allowed to go out with friends or to the pub .
They live in a lovely home in a good area and she still berates him for not having more .
This isn't normal behaviour for someone who is supposed to love you .
You don't want to be living this way while she chips away at you .
Big hugs 🤗

I think you should consider not coming home. You really don't have a home. A home should be a place of shelter.

What would your friends think if they read this about your family life?

Number 5 means you’re in a really dysfunctional relationship. It might be because she’s just terribly controlling. It might be because there are factors you aren’t mentioning eg you have substance abuse issues or porn addiction and she doesn’t trust you. Whatever the reason, there’s no way back from that. You can’t have a relationship that doesn’t allow for basic human dignity.

It’s over. She is not ok. Please leave her

and number 5!!! Wtaf !

Op i'm so sorry. Get rid of her.

This is clearly abuse. I think you need to consider getting professional advice about what to do. There is no way you should have to live with that.

This is totally disfunctional. My ex-husband was very similar, it's now a criminal offence coercive controlling. Everyone on the outside thought my ex was a fun guy but they didn't have to live with him. The best thing I ever did was leave. Please get some help and leave her

She sounds nuts and you should really work on leaving her and having space for a while, trust me even though kids are involved, sometimes people are better off not together, unless she can admit her faults and work on herself it's not going to end well

And don't go to couples counselling with an abusive partner!

I'm so sorry OP. I would actively seek a private psychotherapist and don't hide the fact you are going, just an hour a week.

It will help you to decide what you really want, during that time she will understand that her behaviour is not OK.

I wouldn't just leave, you need to think of your child and the fact that leaving might default to her having them full time.

I think you also need to pay for some serious legal advice with a family solicitor when you are ready. Under the circumstances you may be entitled to more than you realise.

Whatever you choose to do, I think you know she's not OK and there is no incentive for her to improve. She has shown you who she really is, an abuser. Life can and will get better, you need to start with practical steps and don't change your mind. One foot in front of the other x

Coercive control is a crime. Could you consider talking with the police about it and how to safely protect your child and leave?

Agree with this

It's important we don't make excuses for abuse. If the op had substance issues or porn addiction his wife could deal with it in a number of ways but listening to him on the toilet and forcing him to shower with the door open and making comments if he's not washing is controlling and abusive and there is no reason for it.

As I said, whatever the reason you can’t have a relationship that doesn’t allow for basic human dignity.

Yes that's pretty shocking. Life is too short to live like this OP.

What would happen if you resisted? If you calmly closed the bathroom door and calmly explained that you require privacy?

I think you need individual counselling to help you navigate this. It sounds horrendous.

I don't think you can live like this but I understand you will worry for your child. Getting legal advice would be wise too.

This is exactly what I was thinking. I'm guessing she's trying to check if you're watching porn and/or masturbating?!

Absolutely unacceptable. I'm
Guessing it stems from extreme insecurity but not your issue and she really really needs therapy

Thanks,

I can confirm its neither of those things. She seems to time it in her head as she seems to want me out as soon as possible to look after our child as she's obsessed with her getting chores done/lengthy cooking meals.

Have you tried just saying ‘no’.

‘No you can’t see my phone that is the end of the Conversation’
‘No I will not open the bathroom door. That’s stupid. End of conversation’
’No. You do not dictate when we see my family. I am going now with DC and if you don’t want to come then enjoy a peaceful day to yourself. I will be back at x time.’
‘The conversation about the dirty dish is over. There will be no apology’
‘No I am not spending one week at your parents house. I will drop you off on Monday and come back for you on Friday. That is the end of this discussion’

If putting your foot down doesn’t work, you need to LTB.

Start getting organised.