How to manage a partner who is defensive

[Thanksforchatting]

Just don’t know what more to do but how do i manage a partner who is defensive and always thinks im “getting at him” when i say something?
it can be anything from me asking if he could pick up his pants from the floor for future (i get a defensive I don’t normally do it” to me asking what time dinner may be and he assumes im questioning him on why its late for example.
its exhausting

Fantastic question I have the same issue with my wife. Love to hear thoughts on this.

Well, the hard truth is that you can't manage them. At all.
Unless there's a willingness to realise that their defensiveness is a problem, every attempt you make is going to keep triggering his pattern.

My husband was (and still can be, although much less) extremely defensive for years. I was lucky in the sense that at one point it hit him that he was single-handedly destroying our relationship. He has seen the light and is now slowly re-learning how to respond when he feels triggered.

Things that have worked for us:

• Working with the Gottman principles (4 horsemen)
• Couples counseling
• Following Jimmy On Relationships on Instagram and watching his videos together
• Working on my own critical communication style, knowing what I do that enhances his defensiveness. Doing a lot of emotional regulation myself
• Flow charts on the fridge: What do I do when I feel attacked? and using them to structure our responses. I have one too: What do I do when I feel disappointed/let down by my partner?
• Weekly sit downs after the kids have gone to bed where we discuss our relationship, our progress, communication difficulties. Not to point blame, but to be curious about how our partner feels and open to learn more on how to be a better partner for them.
• Learning about love languages and how to show love and appreciation in a way our partner can receive

But like I said, all of that is useless if your partner hasn't understood how damaging his behaviour is.
To be honest, I was ready to file for divorce when my husband finally came around. I was just about to give up, and still would if he reverts back to his old habits. I think that's most important of all actually. Be prepared to leave over it. You deserve better.

I have this daily. It's from my 8yo though...

Don't think I'd choose to live with an adult who was still like this!
Is it a recent change or has he always been like this?

Humour.

And 'noticing' it. So you bring it up as an issue, he says it doesn't happen. When it happens, you say, "this is what I meant". Every time until he sees it's an issue. It will be uncomfortable, but it works.

Critical father in my DH's case.

Has your relationship developed a parent/child dynamic? Have you reflected on how you talk to him? Are you constantly at him?

I don't think I could tolerate being in a relationship with someone I felt I had to manage.

Has the relationship always been like this?

Do you mean his father was critical?
if so my partner has a critical
mother.
He doesn’t like to talk about his feelings and doesn’t want to unpick and understand the pattern that is going on between us.
im deemed as too sensitive or over the top.
i am not always “picking” at him but he is very forgetful so i do have to remind him things or there often are consequences for when he forgets something as i feel he is annoyed with himself but takes it out on me.
he is quite blunt and to the point and can be literal with the words I use.

Yes parent and child and no it’s hasn’t he has that got worse the past few years

Critical mother would do it too.

It's very hard then. Poor bloke. However, I don't put up with it impacting me. Let him live with the consequences.

I have tried to help but it’s very difficult when it’s directed at me and I haven’t meant things in a certain way. And surely I am allowed to moan now and again as we all do and it’s nothing more than that (I.e the please pick your pants up lol)

Maybe one approach is to ask yourself is it worth moaning about? Try and back off a bit and let him make his mistakes / forget/ get things wrong? Perhaps the less you treat him like a child the more adult he will become. I have had to learn to bite my lip and and not be so critical. I am not saying that his behaviour is right by the way, but is it really worth the stress over. I have found that taking a deep breath and ignoring the annoying behaviours of my wife a little has helped us be less tense with each other, and have seen a little less of what i some times felt was being belligerently bad as something to annoy me. Good luck! And stay calm. Here if you want to vent.

This was very helpful in couple work. Put a pen across from adult to adult. That’s how couples should speak to each other- as equals and respectful adults. However now point the pen to the parent- you see how that points the other end to the child? That is often what happens when one adult speaks like a child or parent in the relationship- their counterpart acts like a parent or child in response-

“pick up your pants” (scolding mum)
”oh ffs I don’t always do that- stop being a nag” (scolded and petulant child)

or in the child to parent mode

“oh nooooo, I don’t know what to do and am sooooo overwhelmed and life is just too much” (whingey and dramatic tone- childish)

”I will fix everything and sort it all out for you” (parenting and taking on all responsibility)

So the solution is to discuss what he feels when you speak to him? Does he feel like a respected adult or a scolded child? How can he respond in an adult tone to pull you back down to adult mode? Or how can you speak to sound less parent and more partner? Be honest and open with each other about the feelings underlying your interactions- and be wary of repeating past issues from childhood.

Would help if i attached the photo!!

You absolutely should be able to address an issue with your partner.
A defensive reaction is definitely not okay. It leaves no room to grow or to improve. However, the way you address these things can make a massive difference in how things are received.
In my case my husband has 2 extremely critical parents who have constantly given him the idea that he falls short. Still do sadly. So the damage to his self image is so great that every single crack in his already fragile self image is disastrous. Therefor the attempt to shut down any criticism with defensiveness. Because then it's less about his shortcomings and more about you being unreasonable or demanding, preserving what little self esteem he has.

What works for me is when I focus more on the the way his behaviour impacts me, and to ask whether he can do me the favour of helping me manage the way I feel. Rather than picking at him and blaming him.
So I won't say: could you please pick up your pants. You're always so messy.
I will say: I get really overwhelmed sometimes with all the little things I have to do, and it would really help me if we could keep this space free of clutter. Could you try to keep your pants off the floor? That would mean a lot to me and my peace of mind.
It's not a guarantee to avoid defensiveness. But it can help to change the part you play in the dynamic.

However, you shouldn't be the only one working on this problem. He needs to realise that he's not being fair to you either.

Highlight it everytime you ask a question by prefacing the question with ' I'm not getting at you but can you ......'

Ooh, this is me!

I have a tendency towards this. Whenever I'm criticised by anyone, my first thought is to defend myself. I didn't even realise I was doing it, so when DP pointed it out to me early in the relationship, I didn't believe her. So I asked her to point it out when I did it.

What began as a simple "Defensive!", very quicky became more and more complex, initially changing in tone to sound like a Len Goodman "Seven!", morphing into more of a song, and finally settling on a specific set of moves known as the "Defensive Dance".

It should probably annoy the hell out of me, but the sight of DP (and DD) doing this ridiculous dance in the middle of a disagreement always reduces us to fits of giggles and takes all anger out the argument.

Oddly enough I'm significantly less defensive about stuff these days. I've learnt to take the time to think about whether I need to defend myself in this situation, or is it a justified criticism.

I wouldn't recommend it as a tactic with your partner though @Thanksforchatting ! Having a conversation about it can't hurt though. You might get him to be defensive about being defensive!

Thanks all, I’m really mindful of trying. Not to sound like I’m blaming but I feel I’m treading on egg shells at the time and I am fed up of it. Maybe I am realising I can’t do it anymore then.
thanks

Maybe. And that's a valid choice.

If you are at that point, you don't have anything to lose being honest. "I'm considering ending the marriage because of your defensiveness. Do you want to do some work on it? I'll leave you to think about it for a couple of days. Let me know." Do not let him start arguing at that point. If he starts, "it's fair for you to have time to consider it since I have had that. Please have a think for a couple of days".

Whilst I have you on, would you consider the use of the words rude and selfish as inappropriate?
the reason I ask if that my 16 year old did something again last night that I have asked and explained lots why I would prefer her not to (knock on effects in the household) and she did a fair amount of talking back to me and carried on. I said she was being rude and selfish and my partner has told me how damaging this is to a child, sent me parenting links etc and has made me feel quite low.
i understand I should not say “ you are rude” or “ you are selfish but I dont understand why I can’t say she is being rude in the way she is talking to me… am I going mad?

If she was genuinely rude and selfish then she needs to know. The words are not the issue. How they are delivered is very important. If you were calm and talked through her behaviour and why it was rude and selfish then i think the partner is bang out of order and is failing to support you. Does your 16 year old have any MH needs that might need consideration? That's the only justification, unless of course you were screaming and shouting at them, in which case that could be a valid reason for your partner's concerns.

Yes I did not deliver the words correctly for which I have apologised and yes my dd has adhd so I have be mindful.
i agree I should not have lost my temper but apparently I am not allowed to say I think that was rude or you are being selfish even when calm as that’s very offensive wording..

I am calm most of the time by the way but I am human and shout from time to time and I do always apologise but he makes me feel bad even when he equally sometimes shouts. When he does he apologises too but I usually ask if he is ok and check on him as I know he is in need of support.

BS to the words being bad they are accurate descriptors. It feels like he is picking on you a bit and that is unfair. We all lose our temper at times, parenting is not easy and i can imagine adding AdHD to the mix makes that even more challenging. Find a quiet room and take some deep breaths and try and find some positives x

Parenting with adhd is very difficult and I know I am a great mum but do sometimes lose it and shout which I always say sorry and chat through.
he has really gone on about the words and sent me links to pages where it’s saying it’s insulting and name calling and even emotional abuse. I feel terrible and don’t like to feel that way. I’m also very confused as the way she spoke to me was rude and she put her needs above the families so that was selfish ..

So he continues to throw his pants on the floor for you to pick up but then turns nasty if you say anything about it? You're being more patient than I would be, OP.