Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DM doesn’t want to come for Xmas

31 replies

bakingmummy21 · 16/09/2024 22:07

Not sure what to make of this. DM and I have a slightly strained relationship but generally it’s ok. She and DSD live 3 hours from us and travel lots so we see them maybe 4-5 times a year. Since we got married DH and I alternate xmas between my DM/ DSD and DPIL (something my DM was very unhappy about). We then see whoever we aren’t seeing for Xmas usually a few days later or at new year. Last year was DPIL year and I upset DM for not explicitly inviting them to stay after Xmas (I thought it was implicit that we’d see them after as usual but apparently not). Apologised etc and we ended up going to theirs after Xmas and had a nice time. We last saw them at end July for a weekend and everything all fine, they are currently abroad for 5 weeks and not back til early oct.

Conscious of not making the same mistake again this year I have invited DM and DSD for Xmas at ours. We have 3 young DC so like to be at home. DM responded thanks for the invite but she thinks they’re just going to stay at home this year…

Honestly don’t know what to make of it. Having made so much fuss in the past about spending Xmas and being territorial about it, now she doesn’t want to come and see us and her DGC.

Her reason was that Xmas is for us to be a family but this doesn’t ring true for me. We have loads of day to day family time, weekends, holidays etc. and Xmas has always been about seeing DGP and family etc. When we do see them she is all over the GC and seems to have a good time. They are in good health and travel abroad so I can’t believe it’s that they don’t want to travel to us (she also didn’t counter with any offer to go to theirs instead).

I’ve left it open saying they’re welcome, kids would love to see them etc. but I’m not going to beg them to come. Can’t work out if that’s what she wants me to do or if she’s just playing emotional games?! Entirely possible she will change her mind but given she would know it was their “turn” for Xmas she would have been expecting the invite. Also it’s not like they have other family to see at Xmas - I’m an only child so if they don’t come to us they will be spending it on their own.

Feeling a bit sad about it, obvs if she doesn’t want to come that’s up to them but hard to understand why. Our kids are at a lovely age for Xmas (7, 5, 2) so we have all the Santa magic, present excitement etc. Would welcome any perspectives on it.

OP posts:
DogInATent · 16/09/2024 22:10

Sounds like the perfect opportunity for a family christmas without entertaining pressures.

Cynic17 · 16/09/2024 22:14

Good for her and you, because you don't have a whiny, clingy mother! Just enjoy yourself and let her do whatever she likes - that way, everyone is happy.
Also they won't be "on their own" - they have each other. And even if your mother was completely solo, so what? She could go on a fab holiday, perhaps, or just stay in bed and eat chocolate.... whatever she wants. That would be perfect.

Potplant19 · 16/09/2024 22:15

My mum says exactly the same - we invite her every year and every year she very nicely declines and says it's a day for us as a family. Which is fine but then we end up feeling obliged to invite in laws.

For my mum it's a few things - she does think it's nice for us as a family, she gets overwhelmed by all the excitement and presents and feels a bit awkward, and she sees the kids a lot the rest of the year when it's a bit less manic.

HanaLeigh · 16/09/2024 22:18

Maybe she has extended or booked another trip abroad. Good on her!

Fluffyhoglets · 16/09/2024 22:22

When ILS said they didn't want to come at Xmas on their turn we just saw my family instead. Just double check she means it and make your own plans.
We weren't going to try and cajole and persuade the ILS and had to put relatives right when they mentioned it being a shame the ILS couldn't sometimes come to us for Christmas. I had to tell them they'd been invited and declined.

Kimmeridge · 16/09/2024 22:27

My SILs Mum was like this. Family either popped in briefly Christmas morning or she just saw them at some point over Christmas. She just found the whole day too busy & over whelming & was happier at home.

If she's said she doesn't want to come don't push it. Saying it's for you to have it as a day on your own is maybe just her way of saying no

saltysandysea · 16/09/2024 22:31

She has stated her wishes, just respect them. Maybe she just wants to do something different this year and have a break from the usual festivities.

Noseybookworm · 16/09/2024 22:43

Maybe she just wants a nice quiet Christmas in her own home this year? Nothing wrong with that!

HoppityBun · 16/09/2024 23:00

It comes across as just a sensible preference to me. I suggest you use this golden opportunity to break the merry-go-round of obligations that you have [all] hitherto observed and enjoy Christmas at home. See what happens and create no precedents for future years.

stanleypops66 · 17/09/2024 07:31

Maybe she would rather be in her own home. I know I do.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/09/2024 07:36

She sounds touchy and annoying, so I would shrug it off now and enjoy Christmas without her. You have fully done your bit by inviting her and encouraging her to come, so your conscience shouldn't trouble you at all. Don't mention it to her again, just accept her choice.

If you now prefer to invite your in-laws instead or go to them, that would be fine too.

Darby3785 · 17/09/2024 07:43

As much as this is upsetting for you, you will just have to respect what your DM wishes to do. We can't answer why she has said no, maybe she doesn't want to travel? If she was upset about it last year, is she making a point?

I would start making plans for your own family Christmas. Like you said your kids are at a lovely age, you can have so much fun and make it so special.

If your DM is playing games that isn't on you so dont worry, you have done your part by inviting her. She has declined.

If you make your own plans and she changes her mind closer to the time, you just need to remind her of what she said and stick to it!

HanaLeigh · 17/09/2024 07:45

HoppityBun · 16/09/2024 23:00

It comes across as just a sensible preference to me. I suggest you use this golden opportunity to break the merry-go-round of obligations that you have [all] hitherto observed and enjoy Christmas at home. See what happens and create no precedents for future years.

I would do this.

I wouldn't replace the obligation and routine with another. What do you want to do?
Christmas at home, just you & yours? Christmas in a cottage in the UK? Christmas abroad? Christmas with friends, a long walk, a meal out?

In fact, I would plan something else, stops you thinking of her absence, gives you something different to look forward to and stops your DM from changing her mind at the last minute!

This is an opportunity for change!

Bankholidayhelp · 17/09/2024 07:50

So she doesn't see you at Christmas. Is this then going to have a knock on effect with new year plans with PILs? Ie is she going to kick off because you aren't then prioritising her the week after Christmas?

DisforDarkChocolate · 17/09/2024 07:55

Just leave it and enjoy a day with no obligations. Make sure she doesn't think she gets next year instead though.

Cupooee · 17/09/2024 07:57

HanaLeigh · 17/09/2024 07:45

I would do this.

I wouldn't replace the obligation and routine with another. What do you want to do?
Christmas at home, just you & yours? Christmas in a cottage in the UK? Christmas abroad? Christmas with friends, a long walk, a meal out?

In fact, I would plan something else, stops you thinking of her absence, gives you something different to look forward to and stops your DM from changing her mind at the last minute!

This is an opportunity for change!

Show quote history

Both these posts are excellent advice.

This is your chance to start doing what you would like.
Grab it without guilt.
Santa in the house for all children is brief.
Enjoy it.

Rory17384949 · 17/09/2024 09:06

You've invited them, they said no. Whether DM is playing games or not don't engage in it , just say ok fine how about we see you over new year instead?
If she's expecting you to beg then she'll learn that you won't so it's going to backfire on her ! She won't do it again

MamaBear4ever · 20/09/2024 07:21

Suggest arranging a date around the festive period that suits you both so you don't have the awkwardness of fitting her in somewhere whilst making plans with inlaws then enjoy some family time guilt free. If you want to invite other people instead then do or if you want to break with tradition try something else go for it. You are your own boss

LlamaLoopy · 20/09/2024 07:47

We have similar … then guests cross if we spend time with in-laws when she has declined. No answer … just keep doing what you are doing!

Lemonadeand · 20/09/2024 07:49

Maybe when you weren’t available last year (completely reasonably) she realised she actually really liked a quieter Christmas and wants to do it again this year?

InSpainTheRain · 20/09/2024 08:02

Probably she is playing games. But ignore that and have a lovely christmas without the pressure of entertaining. Just DH the DC and me used to be the best Christmases! Make the most of it -.kids grow up!

Likewhatever · 20/09/2024 08:24

I think she’s doing you a massive favour by not tying you into an arrangement you might want to get out of at some point. Also, just as you want to spend Christmas in your own home, so might she. Or she might fancy a Christmas cruise, or a hotel break.

Make absolutely sure that it’s what she would prefer and not that she’s peeved and making a point. If the former, silently thank her for letting you for letting you off the hook.

NewGreenDuck · 20/09/2024 08:29

TBH, I got fed up with the whole feeling obliged to do a specific thing at Christmas, IYSWIM. I prefer a quiet, eat what we want, do what we want and that's what we do now. We did do going to parents or seeing them over Christmas but then realised it was such a pain having to travel etc. I didn't enjoy my time off work so we stopped.
Maybe, she just wants a quiet time?

PeachBlossom1234 · 20/09/2024 08:36

I don’t think I’d do anymore, you’ve asked, she’s declined. Enjoy Christmas without the pressure of entertaining and play with your children. I don’t let anyone in my house on Christmas Day, it’s just for us and I love it!!

SnappyDenimHedgehog · 20/09/2024 08:36

bakingmummy21 · 16/09/2024 22:07

Not sure what to make of this. DM and I have a slightly strained relationship but generally it’s ok. She and DSD live 3 hours from us and travel lots so we see them maybe 4-5 times a year. Since we got married DH and I alternate xmas between my DM/ DSD and DPIL (something my DM was very unhappy about). We then see whoever we aren’t seeing for Xmas usually a few days later or at new year. Last year was DPIL year and I upset DM for not explicitly inviting them to stay after Xmas (I thought it was implicit that we’d see them after as usual but apparently not). Apologised etc and we ended up going to theirs after Xmas and had a nice time. We last saw them at end July for a weekend and everything all fine, they are currently abroad for 5 weeks and not back til early oct.

Conscious of not making the same mistake again this year I have invited DM and DSD for Xmas at ours. We have 3 young DC so like to be at home. DM responded thanks for the invite but she thinks they’re just going to stay at home this year…

Honestly don’t know what to make of it. Having made so much fuss in the past about spending Xmas and being territorial about it, now she doesn’t want to come and see us and her DGC.

Her reason was that Xmas is for us to be a family but this doesn’t ring true for me. We have loads of day to day family time, weekends, holidays etc. and Xmas has always been about seeing DGP and family etc. When we do see them she is all over the GC and seems to have a good time. They are in good health and travel abroad so I can’t believe it’s that they don’t want to travel to us (she also didn’t counter with any offer to go to theirs instead).

I’ve left it open saying they’re welcome, kids would love to see them etc. but I’m not going to beg them to come. Can’t work out if that’s what she wants me to do or if she’s just playing emotional games?! Entirely possible she will change her mind but given she would know it was their “turn” for Xmas she would have been expecting the invite. Also it’s not like they have other family to see at Xmas - I’m an only child so if they don’t come to us they will be spending it on their own.

Feeling a bit sad about it, obvs if she doesn’t want to come that’s up to them but hard to understand why. Our kids are at a lovely age for Xmas (7, 5, 2) so we have all the Santa magic, present excitement etc. Would welcome any perspectives on it.

I'm sorry this is all so pointless, and very petty, these are your parents your talking about,what is it that you think parents play games, seems to me you need to spend more one on one time with your mother and become friends again,they are not here forever.
Time is short and precious, this pressure on one day is ridiculous, she would be mortified about you posting about this,instead of speaking with her,I think she wants you to go to her for Christmas and the kids have memories at her house for a change ,have a break from your house and go to her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread