Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. He's messing ds about already.

[SoonToBePinocchiosExWife]

Just need a rant.
Stbxh and I separated end of March. He moved 10 miles away at the end of June. Said he'd see ds every other weekend. Did 2 weekends OK, 3rd he had Covid so didn't come, had a issue with accommodation for 4th so stayed at my house. Should be his 5th weekend next weekend. Problem is that both ds and me have our birthdays the following weekend. Apparently he can't afford to come down this weekend as he wants to come down on ds birthday.
So two problems for me.
Firstly I can't do my child free plans this weekend (which would have included a lovely lie in 😭, but secondly, I do not want to have to see Stbxh on my birthday 😭. Wtf do I do? Am so livid. And thirdly, I am really struggling with money and now I'm going to have to find extra cash to feed ds this weekend, and find time to go shopping too. Can't just give him beans on toast on repeat can I?!!
So grrrrrrrrrrrrrr grrrrrrrrrrrrrr grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Can anyone cheer me up?!

Anyone?

Hi, if it's not too outing, whereabouts are you? I work for a charity that can sort you out with some really nice food if you're nearby....

Tell stbxh that doesn't work for you and he needs to stick to the original arrangement? It seems very unfair that you need to change your plans to fit around him.

He moved 10 miles not 100, He can get a bus.
Do not swop w/e's, keep to your original calendar.
He can't just change whenever it suits him.
Tell him you have plans, its not possible, he's already messed about 3 out of 5 w/e.
Stop this fucking about

I don’t see any issue with a dad wanting to see his son on his son’s birthday.
It’s obvious you are both struggling with affording the basics as single parents.
You’re only seeing ex to hand off DS. Treat yourself while ex treats DS and then you can do a birthday treat for DS the next weekend.

I agree you should look into getting a referral to a food bank or seeing if a charity can help you out.

I'd suck it up for DS's sake on his Birthday. Birthdays, unless a milestone one aren't really that big of a deal as an adult.
Your ex might be a dick but you chose him and DS shouldn't suffer as a result any more than absolutely necessary. It can't cost that much to feed a six year old for a couple of days and no one can force an NRP to see their DC.

Oh dear. I meant to put 100 miles away, not 10. Am so tired am making stupid mistakes

It's not that I want to stop him seeing ds on his birthday. It's that I don't want to see Stbxh on my birthday which is the following day. And he's obviously expecting to come to my house for the weekend.
As for "handing him off", my plans for this weekend include some extra shifts! Whereas Stbxh doesn't have to think about any of that stuff as he's not bloody working.

No a small child doesn't eat much. But his father is not contributing at all and nor has he since he moved. So I am working, having to find money to pay for childcare that I didn't need before, paying all the rent and bills solo and attempting to make sure ds gets a present too. Times are tough, but I don't need handouts. I just need to be able to work a bit more and I'll be fine. Just peed off really at the situation.

Not sure I dare.

Well say no to that. You don't want him in your house and you won't go in his. That seems fair. When's he looking after DS at his house?

He is your ex. Boundaries.

Why is he expecting to stay at your house?

If he is going to mess around, get agreed contact in place through the court.

Does he pay maintenance. Won't his payments increase, the less care he gives? Even my feckless ex realised that if he wanted to pay as little as possible he needed to have DC’s overnight.

You need to say ‘no’ and shape is responsibility.

Perfect say unless he's going to take DS to his then it won't work as you have to work

Is your house his house??? It's really weird he thinks he can stay

It’s annoying that he expects to stay at yours. I would stop that. He can visit his son for the day but stay somewhere else.

He's not, it's too far to travel for ds. He takes him to his mother's which is only 45 minutes away, not nearly 3 hours.

Nope no maintenance.

So go to CMS. Say he can't stay at your house and it's not his weekend with DS unless you are happy to swap.

Start as you mean to go on.

Yeah, this.

He pays no CMS and is staying at your house. He doesn't sound like an ex! You need to have firm boundaries otherwise he will keep pushing it.

Why can't he stay with his mum for the weekend if she is 45 minutes away?

Why?

Honestly, I think people men who don't pay maintenance should be in prison.

Whereas Stbxh doesn't have to think about any of that stuff as he's not bloody working.

Unless there is some drip feed of him being habitually unemployed, then I don’t see how he has been messing DS around on the two weeks other than the one he had covid. You need money for a bus fare, for accommodation, & to afford a visit. If he’s on JSA, that is barely anything. And he wouldn’t owe you any maintenance if he’s not earning, so it’s not like he’s just deciding to give you nothing, he has nothing to give.

I don't want to see Stbxh on my birthday which is the following day.
Sorry but I think this is a petty reason to keep your DS from seeimg his dad on his birthday since you can probably arrange things to do this. Why not take DS to ex’s mum, the grandmama, drop DS off. Ex then arrives. Birthday happens. And then you pick up DS or grandmama brings DS home to you after Ex leaves?

Yeah he can stay with his mum.and claim cms even if its the tiny minimum

I completely agree with you about how he can see ds on his birthday. The issue is that he seems to think he has the right to figure into my plans for my birthday. Including staying at my house. Which I don't want. I want to enjoy my birthday for the first time in years without him ruining it like he usually does.

It's not your job to facilitate his visits so don't accommodate him for the weekend. If he can't afford to have I'm at his place, or take him out for a while near your place ( then go home) that's his problem.