Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. He's messing ds about already.

[SoonToBePinocchiosExWife]

Just need a rant.
Stbxh and I separated end of March. He moved 10 miles away at the end of June. Said he'd see ds every other weekend. Did 2 weekends OK, 3rd he had Covid so didn't come, had a issue with accommodation for 4th so stayed at my house. Should be his 5th weekend next weekend. Problem is that both ds and me have our birthdays the following weekend. Apparently he can't afford to come down this weekend as he wants to come down on ds birthday.
So two problems for me.
Firstly I can't do my child free plans this weekend (which would have included a lovely lie in 😭, but secondly, I do not want to have to see Stbxh on my birthday 😭. Wtf do I do? Am so livid. And thirdly, I am really struggling with money and now I'm going to have to find extra cash to feed ds this weekend, and find time to go shopping too. Can't just give him beans on toast on repeat can I?!!
So grrrrrrrrrrrrrr grrrrrrrrrrrrrr grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Can anyone cheer me up?!

I completely agree that your home is your space and he has no right to invite himself to stay on a birthday or unbirthday- any day. You deserve to enjoy your birthday.

I hope if you offer other options, one will be acceptable to Ex as your DS is completely innocent and he also deserves to enjoy his birthday.

He's upset that I don't want to include him in my birthday plans.

It's fair that he wants to see DS on his birthday. Completely unfair that it means he is backing out of the contact schedule you have agreed to do so and unbelievable that he thinks he should be able to have any contact time, scheduled or otherwise in your house.

I would be happy for him to spend part of DS birthday with him, somewhere else, but also stick to his agreed weekend too. If he can't afford it he'll have to figure it out, the same as us mums do.

OP, look into Olio. Loads of supermarkets and shops/restaurants post food that would otherwise go to waste for collection.

Also, why has he moved 100 miles away if both his parents and son are where you are? I was wondering if it was for work and yet he's unemployed? Either way, it sounded like his choice so I don't see why you have to accommodate him. Would your ds be very upset not to see him on his birthday?

Yes you are so right and you've put it very clearly. I may use your wording!!

OP, you need to be firm with this loser.
You are not responsible for his relationship with his son.
So many women get used and abused by Ex's because they feel this responsibility.

Make it clear that he does not stay at your house again.
Maybe he will get a job.

If you are not firm this will be your future.

So he comes on ds birthday takes him out or to his mums. Brings him back that night . He stops at his mums you get your birthday with ds.

The cancellation I would let go as he's planning to see him following weekend

He is out of your relationship, he has moved 100 miles away, he made it difficult all on his little ownsome to have a close relationship with his dc.
he isn't working so not even trying to have the wherewithal to travel to see him on his schedules w/es
He is then expecting You, the person who puts a roof over his son's head to be messed about with your workshifts when you are on the breadline because he wants to 1. see ds on bday, & 2. in your home that you are paying for. & 3. hijack your birthday.
NOOOOOO, mate.
the message, should say.

"We are separated & soon to be divorced. I will not be spending any part of my birthday with you, in my house or elsewhere.
You can see DS on the planned schedule.
You will not be staying in my house on any further occasion. So make your own arrangements.
I need to work, I am on the breadline, you are not covering any part of your child's costs."

My SIL is in a very similar situation with her ex.

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. You have to be very firm on this as otherwise he'll continue to trample all over them.

So, this weekend "sorry, i can't swap weekensd as I have plans for this weekend, including work shifts."

Re birthday: "If you want to come down to see Ds on his birthday, I'm sure he'd love that. Do you want to take him out to McDonalds or something at lunch?"

If he complains he can't do this weekend AND next weekend, "well, DS would love it if you made this an early birthday weekend - he gets two lots of celebrations! Make this "your" birthday celebration and him and I will do something next week."

Re yourb irthday, "You're welcome to see him on his birthday but we have plans for the following day for mine."

Re staying at your house, "it's not practical for you to stay here when you're visiting DS. Let me know what time you want to pick him up and when you'll be bringing him back."

The thing about this sort of person is that they think their thinking is right, even though everyone else doesn't, so trying to explain it is pointless. As an example, exBIL was completely bemused when, 3 months after they broke up, we had SIL and their DC over to our house for our DS's birthday and he wasn't invited. (Not really bemused, more completely livid, frothing at the mouth, even briefly attempted to insist to SIL that he would come anyway and we'd have to let him him). As long as 2 years later, he had a complete go at her because she'd hosted a large family BBQ and not invited him and had planned a party with friends at her house and, again, had not invited him.

Nope no maintenance

Why?

Is the house you live in still in his name/never was/was always just your name? If the middle/last option, he doesn’t get to stay in it, why on earth would you let him? Fine, he can take your son for his birthday but absolutely doesn’t get to impinge on your birthday, he has no rights, tell him to fuck right off.

Please do a CMS claim. On universal credit with no overnights its £30 per month. That makes a difference.