SIL inviting dh exw to her party, do I have to go?

[Hasthesunfianallycome]

So I like my sil, we could be great friends but I keep her at arms length because she is really good friends with my dh exw who i really struggle with.
she is having a day out for her 40th, she is inviting her dj, dj exw, exw partner, dh and me.
i don’t want to go. It’s bad either way as far as I’m concerned. I’m bad for not going, and if I go I’ll be anxious all day and won’t be myself further upsetting sil

Ex, that’s a bit too close for comfort, even if you were friendly. What does your DH think?

What does dj stand for?

If you don’t feel comfortable going, then don’t go.

So there's just 6 of you including the ex? Bugger that. If it was a big party then fine, but not a small gathering.

"I'm bad for not going"

Who says? If you can drop this belief you're fine. You can do what you want, you're the boss, you're a grown up.

Sorry dj was meant to dh

Why do you struggle with the ex? Just because she's the ex or because of horrible behaviour?

Absolutely not, I am of the mindset that if I’m not comfortable then I’m not doing it

If she’s going with a partner too I think that takes some of the awkwardness away. Why do you struggle with her? Is it the thought she’s his ex, or something that’s happened between you and her?

I think it's strange that she would invite both her brother's ex-wife and his current wife

Just the 6 of you?

Yes 6 adults and children, my teens, their teens and baby’s.
I don’t like exw for a number or reasons, not my type and because I know a lot of things she does/has done that I feel makes her untrustworthy and manipulative.
things I can’t bring up without causing arguments so prefer to not spent time with her.

im being made out to be the awkward one who’s ruining the big day because i don’t want to go.

sil has stayed friends with Exw after their marriage broke down and they have since had young children who are similar in age so guess they are closer now and she wants the closest people to her to attend. That I understated, I’m just not comfortable going

Dh just goes with the easiest path, wants to go to keep his sister happy but won’t if i don’t want him to go. Iv told him it’s his decision so he will probably go as long as I don’t get upset with it

You should just suck it up and go. Smile and act polite. If you don't go, it's going to cause bad blood and you'll be blamed for it.

your husband was in a relationship with his xw long enough that SIL developed an independent relationship with her. It happens. As long as there was no abuse, that independent relationship shouldn’t have to change.

we often have to attend family events with people who aren’t our favorites. I guess I just don’t see why it’s an issue.

Your SIL has the emotional intelligence of a rock. It's almost laughable how absured her plan is.

It’s up to you whether you go or not. And you don’t need to say to anyone that it’s because of how you feel about dh’s exw. That could cause unnecessary issues. Just say you are not feeling up to it. However, it’s good practice for other times in life when you have to manage awkward or uncomfortable social interactions. For example having a coworker who you really don’t like but having to remain professional and polite.

Just both pull out, then it’s four adults and it’s not awkward. If dh goes without you it looks weird and makes an odd number.

Nope. Don't go.

This.

Come down with the shits last minute 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

The smart thing to do would be your SIL celebrating her birthday separately with these different people. Huddling them all together isn't the best idea and shows little emotional intelligence.
The matter of being/staying friends with someone post divorce is different for everyone. I'm close to my husbands wife, she's the godmother of my youngest daughter. If they would ever get divorced, I wouldn't cut her out of my life or my daughters life. But I wouldn't expect them all to attend parties together.

She’s there with her partner and he children. If your DH is okay with her I don’t see why you can’t be near her during a party.

Because I don’t want to is enough of an answer for an adult.

I wouldn’t have two separate major birthday parties just because I was inviting the current and former partners of a friend or family member, who would both be attending with their partners. It’s an invitation, not a summons. I want them both to know they’re invited, but obviously it’s up to them whether they attend. Up to you, OP. Personally I can’t imagine feeling strongly enough about DH’s ex to skip a social occasion I would otherwise enjoy.

Go with it then in the day, feel ill / be sick. Don’t want spread virus so can’t go.