SIL inviting dh exw to her party, do I have to go?

[Hasthesunfianallycome]

So I like my sil, we could be great friends but I keep her at arms length because she is really good friends with my dh exw who i really struggle with.
she is having a day out for her 40th, she is inviting her dj, dj exw, exw partner, dh and me.
i don’t want to go. It’s bad either way as far as I’m concerned. I’m bad for not going, and if I go I’ll be anxious all day and won’t be myself further upsetting sil

Not at all U for you to skip it & ignore SIL or any ‘flying monkeys’ if SIL complains

Its up to you and if you don't want to then its fine to miss it.
I fail to see how you are pivotal to the whole event though and how it will be "ruined" if you don't go

She can invite whoever she likes, that's her choice. However you can choose whether you want to go, the SIL must be aware that you'll feel awkward?
Don't go out of obligation or pressure.

She’s not the queen, she can’t insist you go, neither can anyone else. You don’t want to, it sounds shit, so decline. Your DH should be backing you up on this too. Having a birthday doesn’t permit people to be selfish.

The best thing here would be for your DH to step up and take the pressure off you here. SIL has asked for something quite unusual and a bit unreasonable, so I don’t think either of you need to suck it up. And, wouldnt HE rather not spend the day with his ex wife?! I’d ask him to say to SIL, that neither of you want to spend the day with the ex, you trust she understands that you wouldn’t want to make her day awkward by clearly not enjoying it. Happy to stand back and see her for a family meal another day. Fair and nicely said. If she chooses to strop, she’s being unfair. It’s fine to ask, but definitely in the category of it’s fine for you both to say you’re uncomfortable. But HE needs to have your back and tell SIL that he doesn’t want this scenario either.

If the OP’s partner is ok with spending the day with his ex and her new partner, and it sounds as if he is, don’t think he’s obliged to pretend otherwise and not go, if he’d like to.

You've got teenagers? So this is decades ago? Honestly, I'd probably get over myself for one day for the sake of family relations

No that’s my point, sorry should have been clearer. I think he should ‘pretend’. I think he should have the sense, and perhaps also loyalty, to see that even if he isn’t actually bothered about spending the day with his ex, his wife is… and that’s not an unreasonable way to feel. And that if she DOES feel uncomfortable with it, that in itself should be enough for him to not want that to be the set up, and for his wife to be pushed into the position she sets out in the OP - to either have a shit uncomfortable day, or to be the one ‘spoiling’ it.

I think he should be the one saying, WE don’t think that works for us. Have her back!

Your SIL is quite the twat. Guess that explains why she has no possible other friends beyond her brother's ex 😂

I'd go, and be charming and happy AF.

That's a very uncomfortable set up, and your SIL is very weird if she can't see that! I think it's reasonable that she continues to be friends with your DH's ex, but she shouldn't expect you all to socialise together. Doing one celebration with your DH and another with her friend (his ex) would be a much more reasonable approach.

I don't blame you for not wanting to go! It's not like a big party where you wouldn't really cross paths. I think I'd just get DH to say "oh, DW is busy that day, what a shame, but I'd love to come" and go by himself without making a big deal of it. Then have a nice day to yourself.

Ok thanks everyone, you’ve made me feel much better about not going. I wouldn’t mind if it was a big party with lots of people and I could easily avoid exw but it’s not. Dh will go, although I’m not fussed on it but it’s his choice and he can take my dc too if they want to go.