Has he reactivated his secret email account?

Crappybara · 2024-09-15T06:31:06+00:00

NC for this. I’ll be brief - but caught DH cheating a few years ago. We tried to work through it. Things have been ok… I think. The thing I’m worried about now is that he had a secret email account he used to use to contact his OW (plural!) and deleted it when I found out. I checked it was gone at the time by emailing the address myself, as I wanted access to read what was in there (he said it had all been deleted) and to check he had told the truth. I got a bounce back email saying undeliverable. So all gone. And forgotten in the annals of time! Worse things to worry about! Then yesterday I emailed it again by mistake as it was similar to another contact and saved in my phone having emailed before. No biggie except, this time I got no bounce back email. has he reopened it?? Can you do that once it’s been deleted? I thought once you deleted it was gone forever and couldn’t reuse the address. do you always get a bounce back if the account has been deleted? it was a hotmail account. Advice welcome as I don’t want to make a fuss over nothing but obviously I’m now on high alert!

DustyLee123 · 15/09/2024 07:37

If you don’t trust him, how can you continue in the relationship? It makes no difference if he’s cheating or not really.

Original poster

Crappybara · 15/09/2024 07:40

DustyLee123 · 15/09/2024 07:37

If you don’t trust him, how can you continue in the relationship? It makes no difference if he’s cheating or not really.

We’ve worked hard on trying to rebuild things. I trust him again as far as I’m able, but obviously if he’s given me reason not to again and he has reopened it, that’s different.

I realised this totally accidentally as well, was not checking up on him or snooping because I had fresh suspicions but now obviously I’m understandably a bit worried.

OP posts:

ThanksHunPenneys · 15/09/2024 07:41

Agree with Dusty, but also... is it like an out of office so if you get a bounce back once then you don't get another one?

CrunchyCarrot · 15/09/2024 07:48

If it was a hotmail account then yes it can be reactivated for a period of time after it was deleted - I believe it's 60 days according to googling, but do check. So yes if you didn't get a bounce back then likely he's reactivated it.

Original poster

Crappybara · 15/09/2024 07:52

CrunchyCarrot · 15/09/2024 07:48

If it was a hotmail account then yes it can be reactivated for a period of time after it was deleted - I believe it's 60 days according to googling, but do check. So yes if you didn't get a bounce back then likely he's reactivated it.

Thank you - I was under the impression that after 60 days it was gone forever. So he would have had to reactivate within the 60 days?

I would have thought it was unlikely he had done that, but who knows. Not sure if you can make the same email account with the same address after 60 days…!

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 15/09/2024 07:55

Can you make a new email account and send an email?

tribpot · 15/09/2024 07:56

I emailed an address I knew couldn't exist (I have my own email domain so I emailed a made-up address at that domain) and I got a bounceback saying access denied. I emailed it again and got another bounceback saying access denied.

I had a look and it appears there is a 30 or 60 day period after deleting a Microsoft account, like a hotmail account, during which you can restore the account simply by signing back into it: https://support.microsoft.com/en-us/account-billing/reopen-your-microsoft-account-52d7f36e-4c2f-489a-8584-de5fc7918362

So it's possible that he deleted it so you'd get the bounceback and then restored it. There could be any number of other explanations, though, like the mail system may still be trying to deliver your email and it will eventually bounce back, or potentially the bounceback email was marked as spam and not delivered to you this time.

You may also be able to check if the account is still active here: https://support.microsoft.com/en-gb/account-billing/how-to-check-if-your-email-address-is-a-microsoft-account-b3ba5b92-5ead-4a28-adc9-b40558bb697e

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 15/09/2024 07:57

Email accounts can also be recycled, so it's possible the address is back in use but by somebody other than your DH.

No matter. It takes seconds to set up email addresses and copy contacts anyway, so simply deactivating an address doesn't really mean anything.

Mmmkaay · 15/09/2024 07:57

Why don't you try to create the same email address and see if it says the username is already taken?

Original poster

Crappybara · 15/09/2024 07:59

Mmmkaay · 15/09/2024 07:57

Why don't you try to create the same email address and see if it says the username is already taken?

That’s a good idea, thank you, I will check!

OP posts:

Original poster

Crappybara · 15/09/2024 07:59

tribpot · 15/09/2024 07:56

I emailed an address I knew couldn't exist (I have my own email domain so I emailed a made-up address at that domain) and I got a bounceback saying access denied. I emailed it again and got another bounceback saying access denied.

I had a look and it appears there is a 30 or 60 day period after deleting a Microsoft account, like a hotmail account, during which you can restore the account simply by signing back into it: https://support.microsoft.com/en-us/account-billing/reopen-your-microsoft-account-52d7f36e-4c2f-489a-8584-de5fc7918362

So it's possible that he deleted it so you'd get the bounceback and then restored it. There could be any number of other explanations, though, like the mail system may still be trying to deliver your email and it will eventually bounce back, or potentially the bounceback email was marked as spam and not delivered to you this time.

You may also be able to check if the account is still active here: https://support.microsoft.com/en-gb/account-billing/how-to-check-if-your-email-address-is-a-microsoft-account-b3ba5b92-5ead-4a28-adc9-b40558bb697e

Thanks super helpful! :)

OP posts:

Mmmkaay · 15/09/2024 08:00

https://clean.email/verifier/how-to-check-if-an-email-is-valid

How to Check if an Email is Valid: 5 Methods

Learn how to check if an email is valid to reliably distinguish legitimate emails from fake ones and how to choose an email validation tool.

https://clean.email/verifier/how-to-check-if-an-email-is-valid

Original poster

Crappybara · 15/09/2024 08:02

Ok so won’t let me create an account with that name but also says it doesn’t exist when I try to log in, so I guess still deleted. Weird no bounce back though.

I guess crisis averted! Thank you.

OP posts:

Justasmalltowngirllivinginalonelyworld · 15/09/2024 08:41

Is the crisis really averted though? Ok, that particular email address isn't being used but that's not to say he hasn't created a different one?
I think you need to work out if you really do trust him. Can you cope with a life of constantly worrying if he has a secret email / life?

Original poster

Crappybara · 15/09/2024 09:55

Justasmalltowngirllivinginalonelyworld · 15/09/2024 08:41

Is the crisis really averted though? Ok, that particular email address isn't being used but that's not to say he hasn't created a different one?
I think you need to work out if you really do trust him. Can you cope with a life of constantly worrying if he has a secret email / life?

I know, and in fairness it would be easier to set up a new one than use the old one…

no other suspicious activity though, and I guess this is the sad reality of life after infidelity 🙁

OP posts:

Justasmalltowngirllivinginalonelyworld · 15/09/2024 12:10

I'm sorry if that came across insensitively.

You say that it's the reality of life 'After', so I guess I'm just asking if you can cope with that being your life. It doesn't have to be, and if you decided to walk away, it's still on him - he broke your life. It's admirable to try and make it work but you need to be happy too.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 15/09/2024 12:27

Crappybara · 15/09/2024 07:52

Thank you - I was under the impression that after 60 days it was gone forever. So he would have had to reactivate within the 60 days?

I would have thought it was unlikely he had done that, but who knows. Not sure if you can make the same email account with the same address after 60 days…!

Show quote history

It's just as possible that someone else has created an email account with the same email address.

If he'd deleted it for longer than 60 days, then that email address would have become available for someone else to sign up with.

If he was going to start up again, surely he'd pick a new email address, he'd have to be an utter idiot not to.

Either way, does it really matter? You don't trust him, why do you want to be with someone you can't trust?

ohdearymeeewhy · 15/09/2024 18:46

can you check his browsers see what pops up

Barryplopper · 19/09/2024 08:40

To be honest, he could easily have just opened another email account so it seems pointless worrying about this specific email address. I'd say more often than not, men that do things like this will go back to doing it at some point, so the issue is can you really trust him overall?

Amazonmulu · 19/09/2024 08:45

Also now you have accidentally emailed it surely he knows you know.

Has he acted shifty? Has he mentioned it?

Hope you are ok OP. x

74Violette · 19/09/2024 10:29

As he has a history of enjoying illicit relationships and secretly emailing other women then I think it's unlikely he will give this up completely. Odds are low and setting up another email address would be so easy.

You need to decide if living with the anxiety of him doing this and never really knowing is worth it. I do feel for you OP, I've been in the same situation.

Original poster

Crappybara · 19/09/2024 12:15

He hasn’t mentioned anything, but why would he, it would be the same as admitting he’s using it.

it says it doesn’t exist on Hotmail, but also won’t let me set up an address of the same name. Weird no bounce back though.

he may be tempted to use that address to get back in touch with OW with their contact details on there?

I don’t know

OP posts:

ImNotYourMonstera · 19/09/2024 12:23

I trust him again as far as I’m able, but obviously if he’s given me reason not to again

Multiple mistresses are very much reasons not to surely? This doesn't have to be your sad reality, you can choose a life free of this trash.

Katbum · 19/09/2024 12:23

Honey. Is this how you want to live the rest of your finite and precious days on this planet? Asking strangers online whether your lying cheating husband is still a lying cheat? This cannot feel good. Please leave this man and rebuild a life in which you do not have to go private detective on the people who are supposed to be your support. I say this with love: you can have a better life without this man.

Coz97 · 19/09/2024 12:26

I feel like this is a good example of why you shouldn't stay with someone after they've cheated. Part of you will always worry and I don't think that's a great way to live. Sorry op, but I do think you deserve better.