STB ex h not cooperating with divorce

[Hesatwat]

Ongoing from brothelgate (see my other thread from July) I applied for divorce and we have been backwards and forwards arguing about the fact that he went to a brothel and supposedly didn’t act on it. He has been working but hardly contributed a penny towards family bills so I barely have enough money to scrape through the rest of the month. He hasn’t responded to divorce application and has missed his deadline. I can’t start mediation to agree on finances after the split because he won’t even give me contributions toward bills so we are getting nowhere. We continue in this toxic household arguing most days. We live in an area where rent is extortionate. I’ve also been advised legally not to move out. I have no borrowing capeability at the moment either. I am well and truly stuck with this man whilst he continues to gamble and go out drinking with his mates. I have no idea what to do now. I can’t afford any more legal advice either. He refuses to leave as it’s his house

I forgot to add this is seriously affecting my mental health now. I am struggling with low mood and anxiety which is affecting my sleep, I can’t eat, I’ve lost motivation and interest in things I usually enjoy and just spend a lot of time laying in bed staring into space. I can’t carry on like this

If it is his house then which legal professional said don't move out? Seems weird advice

my solicitor said it won’t disentitle me but could suggest I’m meeting my housing needs with the children already so could affect proceedings.

Also I couldn’t afford it if I wanted to. This man is a gambler. He won’t pay maintenance and works self employed

What family bills are you paying? Are you working? Are you entitled to UC? If it's his house are the utilities in his name? If they aren't they should be and you shouldn't be paying them.

@Edingril Not leaving the house is the right advice as if she abandons the marital home it will affect divorce settlement.

Is he paying any maintenance? You can apply for maintenance while living in the same house. If he is abusive you can ask it be transferred to your bank or as an attachment of earnings each week. That will free up some cash for you.

I’m paying absolutely everything. All in my name as they just always have been but in general he is meant to contribute half of that to me each month and he isn’t. Hasn’t been consistent for a while now. Months maybe with drips and drabs of money here and there but not enough to cover even 5% let alone half. I won’t likely be able to put his name on any of the bills now because he’d have to give permission as we both still live here. But I can always phone companies and ask. But also I am covering costs of joint insurances on cars, the house, don’t want to risk not insuring the house so that needs paying. Can’t risk leaving it to him. Food and household, had to spend hundreds on uniform for children last month, fuel costs for car he uses, clothing for kids, eldest needs a coat and I have no money to buy it…

Not entitled to UC because he owns another property

What an absolute lowlife.
Could you get advice from Womens Aid OP, as it sounds like he is financially and emotionally abusing you?
Good luck x

I'm so, so sorry.

I second Women's Aid. Also, I don't know if you have already but mentioning your situation to work? It can feel a bit overwhelming, but the sense of relief I got when going through similar was calming, and they also offered to support me in ways I hadn't considered.

He sounds truly awful. In 10 years time you will look back and think "thank god I left, even if it was incredibly difficult"... in other words, this is the hardest part. It won't be like this forever, just keep pushing. You're amazing!

Focus....stop the insurance on the car that he drives..is it his? If it's his house, stop paying the insurance. Get your name off any bills- explain it's not your house, nor are you renting it, and tell them you are no longer accepting responsibility, give them his name as the owner.
That might not work for all the bills but it will for some, eg council tax.
Moving out might be the only option for you, ask your solicitor how best to protect your interest in the marital home. If H is refusing to sign the paperwork you know he's received, ask your solicitor to implement the next step. If you can't afford a solicitor, contact the issuing court and ask them to help you - there is a form you can submit to progress this.
You are in a horrible situation but it won't last forever, focus on small movements forward.
You might need to consider moving out to a different area if you can't afford the one you're in- it will be a big upheaval but if it's your only way out it might be necessary.

Thankyou for your kind words. I feel all over the place. Such a horrible situation.

Stop paying for HIS fuel ffs

Some good advice here, particularly about gaining advice from other sources ie woman's aid.
For things like car insurance - only pay for your car and don't have him on the insurance. (You may need to keep a very close hold on your car keys). Any other subscriptions you can cancel ie Amazon prime or sky, do so. Can you even cancel TV licence - he can then put in his name if he wants it (think you can watch catch up etc without it). Really hard about all bills being in your name..... Just looked up council tax -
Who has to pay
"You’ll usually have to pay Council Tax if you’re 18 or over.
A full Council Tax bill is based on at least 2 adults living in a home. Spouses and partners who live together are jointly responsible for paying the bill." So not sure if you can contact the council and arrange to pay your half only and then they chase him directly for his half -
Surely if he owns another property, he should be giving tenants notice and making plans to move there.
For any household finances, very much just try and
It is so exhausting to try and do this, particularly when the other person is around being so utterly horrible.

I’m sorry you are going through this OP but stay strong.
Cancel everything that is his personal responsibility ie his car , his insurance etc Netflix etc
Make sure benefits like child allowance go to you.
Get proper advice
Speak to your landlord
You need to make sure he is not amassing debt in your name

What does his property have to do with your UC claim?
Do you mean because you live together or they see it as an income ?
If it’s the latter why are you doing a. Joint UC claim?

Honestly I’d call the utilities with final readings and say you are moving out and this is the name of the person who is now responsible.

More fool you paying for his fuel .

It’s fuel on my car that he uses regularly. Usually to take kids to activities if I’m working etc so it is a family need iyswim

legally we are living together so no entitlement to uc because he owns another property that is currently rented out. Tenant not paying rent. Issues being dealt with but hasn’t helped the circumstances.

so genuinely no entitlement. I could go to CAB for advice but it’s likely to be what I already know.

I'd move out, go to the council present as homeless. Stop paying the bills & mortgage, more fool you for continuing.

Apply to court for an occupation order. If he's not contributing and he has other property, there's literally no reason for him to still be there in the interim. He's financially abusing you by living there and not contributing to mortgage/bills/upkeep.

Also, hide your car keys/keep them on your person. Only allow him to use for the children's activities or jobs for the household like food shopping.

That's not how it works. The council would see her as her making herself intentionally homeless. At that point their obligations to provide housing would vanish.

You can in fact apply for UC individually just on your income and savings even if you are still living in the same house as an ex partner, for precisely this circumstance. It is to stop abusive men trapping their ex partners. You have to explain all your circumstances to UC, and they'll hopefully determine that you're a separate household despite living under the same roof (like a lodger or student house sharers, for example). They look at things like existence of shared finances, whether you shop/cook/eat together, sleep together, etc. You would need to separate out your finances and stop paying for his things, and level with UC and see what they say.

Could you sell the car OP. Buy another - don't give him a key or put him on the insurance. Stop cooking for him if you are. Stop doing laundry. Make life as separate as you can. It's hard but you'll get there. Don't leave the house. However put in writing what he owes you for bills each month.Ask him directly for it. Message him with reminders stating clearly his refusal to pay. Hopefully a court may take his refusal to pay anything into consideration when dividing assets.

As you are separated a UC claim just looks at your finances. Apply online today.

Is the place you currently live in rented or mortgaged?

Listen to the legal advice you have paid for, not advice you get here if it's contradictory.

There's a family law solicitor on YouTube, breaks it down so it's easy to understand, very accessible. This might not be the video you need but there is a lot of useful content, might be worth a browse so you can get some ideas and go back to your solicitor with some specific questions to get the most out of your money and move forward.

You need to clue yourself up as much as possible in your situation, and get focused. Whether he fucked a prostitute in a brothel is now no longer the point. Good luck, keep going and you'll get there.