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Original poster

Husband texted escort, 'nothing happened" but I don't know what to do

43 replies

ABdaisy · 15/09/2024 00:15

OK... never posted on here before but I can't talk to friends or family about this and I'm struggling dealing with this on my own. Long post!

I accidentally saw on my husband's phone that he had texted an escort asking if they were available that afternoon. They said no so as far as I can tell he didn't meet anyone but I'm just in shock at what was going through his mind.

We have a 4 month old and have had a really tough hospital stay with them and I thought we'd been a really good parenting team and helped each other through a really difficult time.

Our sex life this year has been very minimal as he wasn't keen when I was pregnant, he's had his own depression/low self esteem issues and the lack of sleep/sleep shifts get in the way. Despite all this we're still affectionate every day and I had been feeling really close to him and thought we'd slowly get it back as our sleep improves.

After confronting him about the text he was very ashamed and quick to say that nothing happened. He was 'bored' and his curiosity 'got the better of him'. We've been together 16 years, married for 4 and I just can't believe my best friend would do this. I don't know how to trust him and keep going from everything is fine to what the hell am I doing. He's booked therapy, which I've wanted him to do for years so I want to see what happens with that but I just can't bear throwing away our family life and uprooting everything but I also don't want to feel like an idiot. I'm embarrassed, confused but mostly just sad he's done this to our lovely family.

OP posts:

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 15/09/2024 11:16

Curiosity That's a lie that makes no sense. What was he 'curiously' hoping to find out by (supposedly) just contacting an escort with no intention of having sex with her?

TiramisuThief · 15/09/2024 11:16

You'd no more try to book an escort through curiosity and not go through with it, than you'd book a holiday and not bother going

Exactly. Sorry OP.

What are the chances that the first time he contacted an escort you saw the message? He's done this before.

BobbyBiscuits · 15/09/2024 11:17

'oh hi there, I just thought I'd contact you to see if you were free for me to pay you for sex this afternoon'
Just out of curiosity?!!
This is bound to be the tip of the iceberg.

Beth216 · 15/09/2024 11:34

What was he curious about exactly? Ask him that. There are a million things a bored person can do, do you ever think to message an escort when you're bored? What if they had been free?

Who knows how many times he's done this before and how many times the escort was free. He may have been using them all through your pregnancy for all you know.

It's really shit OP but how can you ever trust him again?

Christl78 · 15/09/2024 11:40

ABdaisy · 15/09/2024 00:15

OK... never posted on here before but I can't talk to friends or family about this and I'm struggling dealing with this on my own. Long post!

We have a 4 month old and have had a really tough hospital stay with them and I thought we'd been a really good parenting team and helped each other through a really difficult time.

Madonna/Whore complex maybe?

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 15/09/2024 11:43

I’m wondering if the minute he text her he came to his senses and realised how stupid it would be but still

H112 · 15/09/2024 11:49

It won't be the first time and why do they always say they're depressed. I would try go through the rest of his phone. Leave him this is so disgusting xx

Thevelvelletes · 15/09/2024 12:10

Escorting work must be the worst paying work .all the men that message never complete the transaction.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 15/09/2024 12:52

Also how did you see this message? Surely he’s not that stupid. I’m wondering if he wanted you to see it. That said I’m not sure I could forgive my husband

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 15/09/2024 12:54

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 15/09/2024 11:16

Curiosity That's a lie that makes no sense. What was he 'curiously' hoping to find out by (supposedly) just contacting an escort with no intention of having sex with her?

To be devils advocate here and I’m making it clear I am not supporting what he’s done. I’m wondering if it was an impulse thing to see if he could then as soon as she said she wasn’t available he realised what a stupid thing he’s done and wanted the op to know. Why did he not go back to her and arrange another day.

Christl78 · 15/09/2024 13:06

Thevelvelletes · 15/09/2024 12:10

Escorting work must be the worst paying work .all the men that message never complete the transaction.

Yep - as somehow “they were just curious to see”. Yet what strikes me as super odd is the common pattern of them not deleting internet history, passwords etc. sometimes I wonder whether subconsciously they wanted to be found.

Starlight7080 · 15/09/2024 13:10

I'm so sorry this has happened to you especially with such a young child.
But that msg sounds like he already has some experience with these situations.

I would be very surprised if he hadn't already met one or more in the past .
Maybe a sti test would be wise .

SpanielPaws · 15/09/2024 13:11

Don't be a mug, OP. He's getting his rocks off elsewhere and paying for the privilege. Taking money that you and your family could be making use of. That alone would be a deal breaker, let alone the fact that he's exposing you to risk of HIV and STI's. There is NO excuse that makes any part of his actions forgivable.

XChrome · 15/09/2024 21:48

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 15/09/2024 12:52

Also how did you see this message? Surely he’s not that stupid. I’m wondering if he wanted you to see it. That said I’m not sure I could forgive my husband

Never underestimate either their stupidity or their arrogance. To me this shows that he had gotten away with it so many times before that he got overconfident and sloppy. This was by no means the first time.

PolePrince55 · 15/09/2024 21:52

That's not the first time xx
Sorry x

Tillow4ever · 15/09/2024 22:03

How are you feeling OP? This must have been such a shock if you felt things were good between you. Sadly I agree with the other posters, this is unlikely to be the first time - which means you should get tested for STI's.

In terms of next steps - first of all ask yourself if you WANT to be with a man who views women as a commodity to be bought. He doesn't see women as people, it's not even an affair where he's put the work in to woo someone - it's all been about him and his orgasm. That's it. He has put his orgasm above your marriage. How does that make you feel? Angry I hope - use that anger to kick him to the kerb. Do you want this man to be a role model for your child? Do you want your child to grow up thinking that behaviour is acceptable in a relationship?

I hope you have enough self esteem to kick him out. And you should make sure his family and mutual friends know EXACTLY why your marriage is over - it's not your place to keep his secret for him, nor is it for you to protect his reputation. He put it all at risk when he chose to seek the services of an escort.

Look after yourself OP. You don't deserve this - keep telling yourself you are worth more than a man like this, no matter how long you've been together.

2Old2Tango · 15/09/2024 22:12

The only reason nothing happened is because she was unavailable. He WANTED to do it, the intention was there.

If the text was along the lines of "are you available tomorrow at 4pm?" then he's probably seen her previously. If he was texting out of curiosity I'd expect the first text to be asking questions such as how much, how long does he get, where would they meet, what's involved etc. Don't let him minimise this OP.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 15/09/2024 22:14

You know this isn’t the first time. Very sorry, OP. No amount of therapy is going to help him. He’s not even prepared to own up to the truth so there’s no moving on from that is there.

Leave him. STI test. Tell your friends and family why you’ve split. This is not your shame, it’s 100% his and you shouldn’t carry the weight of it for him.

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