Sexless Marriage

[Britters69]

My husband and I haven't had sex in over a year, and it's driving me crazy!

We used to have a good sex life, although this began to decline after we had been together for about 5 years or so. Now it's nearly 12 years.

We now have a son together, and rarely get time alone. However, we have had nights away and evenings together, but it still isn't happening.

We have talked about it and he claims to be just as frustrated about it as I am, and says that he wants things to change. But then nothing happens.

It's only me that brings it up. If I didn't, I believe he would never proactively address it with me. It has got to the point where I am fed up with bringing it up with him because it's damaging my self esteem.

In my darkest moments, I have considered a male escort. I have no interest in leaving my husband or having an emotional affair- I just want to have sex.

We have discussed using toys, dressing up or watching porn - but these conversations don't actually lead to anything and I'm getting more and more frustrated and upset every night we have the opportunity and it doesn't happen.

I don't know where we go from here but I really want to save my marriage.

Can anyone help or give advice?

Maybe just stop talking about it and make a move ? Start with foreplay and see what happens

Probably not what you want to hear OP but I was in the same position with my first husband and had to leave because it was mentally and emotionally destroying me and I was very close to cheating.

You need to sit down and have a frank discussion with him and decide where to go from there before it gets worse. Using escorts is still cheating I’m afraid. And that isn’t judgement…as I said I was incredibly close to doing similar myself

In my experience, when the sex goes, it goes - and always with men who don't have a high sex drive. But then, the ones who have a high sex drive generally cheat on you.

I have a few suggestions. Try to reintroduce intimacy into the relationship; hand holding, kissing, hugging, special moments together.

Try to build your own life so you are a separate person. Develop interests outside the relationship. Spend time apart so you look forward to seeing each other and discussing your day and he doesn't take you for granted.

I really empathise OP, I've been there and it's soul destroying.

I did try this a few times, but he didn't really go for it. He has occasionally tried, but he tends to go straight for sex without any foreplay and that doesn't make things very comfortable.

It feels like we have lost all our previous experience and are starting completely from scratch. We do kiss and cuddle, but the lack of sex feels a little like the elephant in the room now.

My self esteem has taken a real hammering and I am really, really sick of always being the one to bring it up.

If he really cared, wouldn't he make the effort? I know he loves me, but I don't understand why he won't do anything to move us forward.

Sounds awful OP. I feel sorry for you because it's frustrating for you.

A friend told me the same, her partner didn't touch her after she'd had their child.

Look into the Madonna/Whore complex. It's a real thing.

Another one with a similar issue here compounded by the fact that perimenopause is making me extra horny. He has never had much of a sex drive - virgin for religious reasons when we married and never that bothered after we married. I have like you told him I want to improve things but despite him trying he almost never displays any real enthusiasm. This is compounded by the fact he is on medication which reduces his feelings too.
I basically just want to feel like he is into me, like really lusting after me and I don’t think it’s going to happen. I have been chatting (and exchanging rather mild pictures) with men on reddit. In fact almost videocalled with one chap but backed out because he has children. Had instead arranged to meet another chap who I’ve been messaging for weeks but despite all his keeness earlier he did not call. Catfished I guess so had a lovely time with the clit suction vibrator I bought myself last year instead 🤷‍♀️
TBH it feels so disheartening and depressing having to try and initiate when contact is so passionless. He will occasionally say “that feels lovely!”

TL:DR there seem to be lots of us with no real easy solutions sorry. But there is relatively safe fun to be had on Reddit!

I have sometimes used chat rooms online to get a bit of sexual attention, and it does help to make me feel wanted and desired. I'm worried about going too far with it tho, because I'm not sure at what stage it becomes like cheating.

I'm really torn at the moment because I want to talk to him about it (again!!) And I want something to happen, but I want it to come from him. Am I being petty if I just hold out for him to make the first move?

I'm in a similar position. I think my dh having the snip 18 months ago killed his libido, but he won't do anything abit like see a GP or research it. He just doesn't have a sex drive anymore 😢

I'm not tempted by chat rooms, cba. A clit suction vibrator though?? Link please?

Firstly are you sure he's not either gay or got another woman?

Secondly, if you want a bit of discreet sex with a likeminded individual then I for one wouldn't blame or judge you.

And I would say that to a man who wasn't getting any from his wife either.

I just google UK chat rooms and go into one that I can access without signing up with an email address. I keep myself as anonymous as possible but after a few visits I started to be a bit more open about my situation. That's what led me to post on here! Fed up of googling the same advice over and over again.

My husband is really anti-cheating, because he has been cheated on so much in the past. Part of me thinks that he may have a pattern of low sex drive that leads partners to cheat.

I don't want us to end up going that way, and I really don't want to betray his trust. I don't think I could live with myself and he has already said he would definitely leave me if anything happened with someone else.

I think there is a way out of this but I am being a bit stubborn as I don't want it to always come from me. Even my best (male) friend has offered to speak to him from a man-to-man perspective but he won't do that either.

Just feel stuck.

It doesn’t work. It puts pressure on him.

Hi OP,

I have been in your situation. Now, this is not what you might want to hear but it didn’t end up well. It came up that he was actually cheating.

It is more common than not a man not wanting sex. In this case there are 3 reasons this may happen:

1. Madonna/Whore complex : he needs therapy
2. ED: he needs to see a urologist
3. Low testosterone: he needs to see an endocrinologist
4. Cheating: you need to dump him. Do not bring yourself to the point you cheat (which in the way you already do. Online sexting is cheating). This is not a good example for your son.

In my experience when sex is gone, relationship is dead and people should gracefully separate. As a next step I would recommend marriage counselling and a full medical check up for your husband. Good co-parenting sets a better example than two miserable people living together “becasue they have kids”.

@britters69 I am in the same situation with my wife. I completely understand how it destroys you. To some extent it isn't even the sex, i just need her to make me feel wanted and desirable again. I hate that it is always me instigating any physical affection. I have tried talking about it so many times and it just gets dismissed, i don't understand how if you love someone you wouldn't at least try. I wish i had an easy answer for you. I think that you should keep away from the chat rooms. Maybe just be really frank with him and say if you don't try here then i leave and have some hard deadlines. Or maybe discuss an open marriage? Cheating will only justify him.

You are very right with what you say here, but not everyone has the emotional, mental and practical strength needed to easily move on from a relationship that may otherwise be good. @Britters69 don't beat yourself up if you are struggling with this, but reach out and seek support.

Wouldn't it make more sense to address the problem with joint counselling or something rather than trying to get sexual thrills or validation through chat rooms that will likely end up causing further breakdown of your marriage?

Tell him that you're seriously worried about your sex life, and feel that the further off track it goes the harder it will be to get it back in line with something you are both happy with. Book an appointment with a therapist who deals with sexual issues, and give him the time and date, tell him you'll see him there. If you feel like you've exhausted what you can do without help, you need to get some assistance with your communication to try to find out what's going on. It's soul destroying and will do a number on your confidence if you're not careful, time to deal with it one way or another together.

Definitely. And I am the first one to say that because it took me 4 years. It’s extremely difficult.
Just trying to provide some advice to OP so that it doesn’t take her that long and actually does something to resolve this earlier. If it is not resolved then I think it’s time for hard decsions.

I am a married man (for context). I think there is something going on that he is not telling you, in one of two categories:

1. Something hugely problematic like he is cheating or hopelessly addicted to porn, in which case maybe this cannot be fixed;

2. Something that might be fixable like erectile dysfunction or struggling to adjust to parenthood or struggling with seeing you as a mother now. Maybe something like this could be fixed but he would have to be willing to put in the work.

I know you're saying that you don't want it all to come from you, but you've seen after all this time that he is not going to snap out of it on his own. I think you could try asking for sex counselling, or you could try scheduling sex, and if he refuses either of these things then it really doesn't sound like he is "just as frustrated as you are". Either way, I think the best case scenario is that you might be able to find out what's really going on and it might be partly fixable, but sadly I think it's very unlikely that he's going to reach the level of desire where he is initiating a lot and giving you a high level of feeling wanted.

Congratulations on resolving your situation, I hope that you have found the happiness and fulfilment that you were lacking before. For me while i struggle within myself I am scared of the collateral damage to my family, so just good the hurt inside.

@ForeverTipsy the one I’ve bought is the Pebble from bellesa. It’s small and discreet to pop into my bedside chest of drawers. It comes in its own charging case

It is so sad I did again raise it the other day “I want to feel like you really want me” The reply was “I’m not sure what you mean?”
Whereas the chap I’m chatting to on Reddit currently says he’s really turned on by me when we chat and some of the pics he’s asked if he can share support the idea 🤷‍♀️

It is I agree very like cheating not even sure in my own head where that line is. I am sure my husband would be upset/appalled if he discovered what I’m doing.

If IRL I fell for someone then I would end the marriage

I’m sorry OP. I am in a similar situation myself and after 20 years I have finally given up. We aren’t separating, I have just accepted sexual celibacy. Although this makes me very sad.
In my case DH has always made excuses. He will never initiate, but if I initiate, I’m “putting too much pressure” on him. We have gone years without sex. More recently I finally thought we were getting somewhere as he let me initiate some intimacy, but he later confessed to me he only did it so I wouldn’t leave him. This made me feel absolutely disgusting (and weirdly violated as I thought the interactions were fully consensual) and I have promised myself I won’t be put in this position again.

He is definitely not cheating on me. I think he just doesn’t like sex. Your message struck a cord with me, that you suspect this was an issue with previous partners.

I would be careful with cheating. Surely it is better to open up a conversation and explain this is where it has got to for you? Rather than betraying the trust you have? Especially if you know this would hurt him.