Sexless Marriage

[Britters69]

My husband and I haven't had sex in over a year, and it's driving me crazy!

We used to have a good sex life, although this began to decline after we had been together for about 5 years or so. Now it's nearly 12 years.

We now have a son together, and rarely get time alone. However, we have had nights away and evenings together, but it still isn't happening.

We have talked about it and he claims to be just as frustrated about it as I am, and says that he wants things to change. But then nothing happens.

It's only me that brings it up. If I didn't, I believe he would never proactively address it with me. It has got to the point where I am fed up with bringing it up with him because it's damaging my self esteem.

In my darkest moments, I have considered a male escort. I have no interest in leaving my husband or having an emotional affair- I just want to have sex.

We have discussed using toys, dressing up or watching porn - but these conversations don't actually lead to anything and I'm getting more and more frustrated and upset every night we have the opportunity and it doesn't happen.

I don't know where we go from here but I really want to save my marriage.

Can anyone help or give advice?

OP - realistically, I do not think you can change things around. He is clearly is not bothered by his lack of drive. And - not sure why this would change.
You need to be realistic about what choices are available to you VS hope that a miracle will happen.
The realistic choices are:
..... leave
..... accept the situation, get some toys and DYI
..... do what lots of people in your situation do - outsource. Chat rooms; "married dating sites"; etc. --- theoretically you can ask to "open up" your marriage, But most people won't be able to actually have the sort of conversation that needs to happen. "DH - since you have no libido and I do - I am not willing to live as a monk. I need to have sex. Since you don't want to - my only choice is to outsource it. We can discuss rules...."

He can be as "unti-cheating" as he wants - but he is not doing his bit in this marriage. You didn't enter into a "sexless" marriage. So - he doesn't really get to be offended by you not willing to accept to be sexless.

It’s extremely difficult to lake the decision and find the fine line where stayyng hirts your children more than leaving. Very very difficult.

I’m not glad that there are others struggling with this sort of situation. But it is useful to me to know that there are others iut there searching for a way through

This is so true. It is only the lack of real intimacy/sex that is a problem for me. But if this all settles down after menopause then it would not be worth causing so much strife for.

This was me unfortunately.

My ex never initiated once we were out of the list stage. We went from 2/3 times a week in first year to 2/3 times a month to 2/3 times a year to nothing over the space of our 8 year marriage. It never improved despite my attempts.

This was over 25 years ago.

I saw him recently and we went for a coffee (we share a grandchild so still have contact and remain friends)

We are both single again now after another divorce each and we were chatting and reminiscing about the old days. This subject came up and he said that his second marriage was like this too and it’s just who he is. He said he gets totally bored after 2 years sexually and it’s like a switch is flicked. He doesn't think he is capable of a long term fulfilling sexual relationship once the honeymoon stage wears off.

Your story is so familiar to me. It's not like i want it daily, or weekly even, just for it not to be me always initiating and for it to be more than a couple of times a year.

I'm tired of bringing up the subject, trying to get her to open up as to why, or even put effort into getting counselling. It's completely exhausting. But i don't want to destroy my family either. It is tearing me apart slowly.

At least your ex is able to acknowledge he had an issue, even if he isn't able to change.