Sexless and unaffectionate marriage

[Beau10]

I'm posting this as I want some advice and to see whether anyone else is going through the same. I'm 28 have one dd and a husband who i have been with since 15, married 8 years. He's the love of my life and the first for everything. We are best friends as well as husband and wife. Obviously we are in the throws of life , house, child, busy jobs etc so that is having its toll as is with everyone I assume. We used to have sex frequently 2-3 times a week if not more but the past year its dwindled to barely once a month. I feel part of it is my husbands job, its very demanding long hours and shift work, also working away from home occasionally. He's exhausted and he can see some awful things in his job so I know this affects him and I appreciate that. I feel I support him the best I can but I get no affection or any show of love like i used to. I know he's a solid man and he is there in every other way I'm just really upset over not having any physical connection anymore as I feel its important. I feel distant and resentful as I feel too young to be stuck in this cycle already and I don't want the rest of my marriage to be like this, we want more children and I fear with that will surely just bring extra cause for him to avoid it. I have confronted him numerous times and he still says he desires me and wants to but just says he's tired or we don't get to see eachother much due to his work. I'm kind of at a loss as of what to do, any advice would be appreciated.

Can you manage an early night together at least once a fortnight ? Actually plan it in advance . Can you manage a night away in a hotel reignite the spark ?

Thank you for the advice:) I have hinted so many times with early nights etc, he tends to stay up later than me and I get so fed up of being rejected I end up asleep after waiting for him to come up, it normally causes a row as I get so irritated waiting for him to come up. I don't feel he is doing it intentionally just being very blind to my obvious attempts! His birthday is coming up soon and I have thought of a night away as really no excuse then for him to fob me off.

I am of a similar age and have been with my partner since 14 so can relate. Our sex life has been up and down over the years (it’s actually been at it’s best, since before kids, when pregnant/after the baby is born so don’t let that put you off having another!) which is normal, but when it continues to
spiral and someone is unhappy I think its important to sit down, talk about it & take steps to improve things.. all relationships need work! We like to both take a day off when the kids are in school/nursery and go on a day date. We also make sure to go bed earlier now we have another young baby to make sure we have some time in bed together every day, sometimes we talk, watch tv & cuddle or have sex. When the relationship is good, sex usually follows.

Thank you, that does make me feel better and reassured. I feel its just a bad patch, as you said intimacy can go up and down and I think when you have been with someone so long you do get comfortable and abit lazy. I had the same when our dd was born , our sex life was great after recovery , I felt really connected to him and still do whenever it does happen. Its just been so long I get in own head and start to think he doesn't fancy me or I have done something wrong etc drives me crazy! Dd has now started school so I am going to try to make sure we can have some one on one time when he has his days off.

28, the same as me

I know! Like I said his job has definetly taken its toll , he's been in it most of our marriage and he's become a harder person. He was very affectionate and open before , we have had discussions about that and tbh he does try and he snaps himself out of it when he gets like that. I just wonder whether he's lost his mojo abit but doesn't particularly want to admit it or whether something is bothering him. I would rather he did tho!

Him staying up later than you is a red flag .Are you sure he is not having an affair ?

He's given me no reason to suspect that, tbh he wouldn't even have time for another woman! I have asked that in the past when I have felt more insecure and he has always very loudly denied it. I know him and I would like to think I would know if he was, I don't feel it's that. He is usually only staying up later due to being on xbox with his mates, he's never secretive or on his phone, we openly leave our phones unlocked etc and I have never suspected it.

What???

I always stay up later than my husband and I'm not having an affair. Not sure how I could be having an affair in the living room either.

What does he do for a living, it sounds like that could be affecting him

He's in the police force. I think it has , alot of stress and the job isn't great for home life. I've always known that and accepted it and accepted things don't always go smoothly but we make it work. It's just the intimacy side of things have not been great! I don't like to push him because I don't want him to feel that's all I think about and want from him so I'm struggling abit with how to approach it.

Police work and demands is a killer.

I’m sure it is a very stressful job and don’t think pushing helps so not a good idea to do that.

What do you do?

Yeah I willhave a look.im fairly new to all this and usually don't like to moan about my problems but have felt better knowing I'm not alone! I appreciate him and everything he does for me and our dd , aswell as his job it takes a type of person to do it and sometimes it can affect relationships which is understandable. I think abit of alone time and an uninterrupted talk to see what he's feeling might help.

I have just posted something similar, as I am in the same situation.

My husband also stays up later than me, usually on his phone watching YouTube etc. We have talked about the issue of not having sex but nothing ever happens, and I'm fed up of trying to change things when he makes no effort.

We have tried the whole hotel room, night away from our son etc - still nothing.

Is there a way out of this? I need help!

Yeah thats why I like to give him space and have kind of given up mentioning it as I appreciate sometimes he has bigger problems. I work in admin in the NHS, a busy role but obviously not the same type of stress.

@Beau10 i think you need to address the intimacy issue rather than the lack of sex. Intimacy is so much more than sex, its touch, look, words, actions that show you care and love the other person. It’s easy for these to get lost when one person is so wrapped up in their job that all they want to do at home is do whatever they need to distress and chill out

I can see that just telling your DH you need more from him is hard because he likely feels physically and emotionally drained from the demands of his job. To him that may feel like an attack to which he will be defensive. It sounds like you’ve told him how you feel but he’s not really heard you, this may be because he doesn’t see an issue or may be because he doesn’t have anymore to give right now.

Try modelling the behaviour you want from him, be emotionally open, affectionate but not pushing for sex, tactile when possible. Give it some time, it might help but ultimately I think you would be wise to pursue marriage counselling. It can be really helpful to have the support of someone impartial for you both to express what you need from your relationship and work together to make it happen.

Have you considered he might be depressed? Working in such a stressful job must be hard and he’s perhaps had to deal with things that have had a significant impact on him. Presumably he can access some kind of counselling through work if this is the case.

Yes definetly I agree, it's so much more than just sex and do find we have periods where if work has been particularly stressful we kind of lose touch. He has said before it's not me but he's just drained which i get 100% , I didn't want to post to bash him as he's brilliant , I just want to get to the issue and to get advice which I really appreciate! He has recently been started on meds for depression due to him addressing this issue and too early to really notice a change yet but hopefully they will help and maybe I will see some improvement. I agree sometimes think we become so set in our own opinion we but heads and don't see eye to eye when it comes to the intimacy issue, he can think I am being needy whereas I feel he's the complete opposite, so I think some kind of impartial input would be wise.

I bet my bottom dollar he's watching porn.

Easy, can watch whatever he wants, no demands, addictive.

No reflection on you, its common now.

He is usually only staying up later due to being on xbox with his mates,

Well, there you go. He's still in teenage mode playing computer games with his mates.

I would be carving out a life for yourself too before 20, 30 years have passed.

Sorry you're going through this OP. Don't end up regretting your life when you could branch out and live for your own fabulous future.

Sounds like his mental health is a big part of the issue. If you’ve never experienced depression it can be hard to really understand but it can remove all sense of self worth, enjoyment, passion and purpose. It’s great that he’s getting some help, it’s a really positive step but don’t expect immediate changes. Make sure he knows how much you love, appreciate and support him. It may feel a bit one sided at the moment but he clearly hasn’t got capacity to do much to improve the relationship right now. It’s probably taken a lot for him to admit he needs help and get treatment, it’s a massive step for a lot of people. What you can do is reassure him that you’ll get through this together and that you aren’t giving up on him.
It’s not easy but you can get through this.