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Original poster

Liking other women's social media pics

37 replies

Paddypump · 14/09/2024 12:06

Hi, I am not a huge social media user. I recently went on to find something and a women came up on my suggested friends list. Her profile pic was very provocative and sexy. For some reason I clicked on it to see what our connection was. I noticed straight away that my boyfriend of 6 months had been one of the people to like/ heart this pic, and other selfie ones, when I had a brief look at her profile. She is from the same place as him so I assume they know each other. Even though my bf and I are friends on fb, his friends list isn't available.

I'm confused as to how I feel about this. Immediately, I was very shocked. I didn't think he would be the type to be openly disrespectful to me by, what I have read these this as, as flirting. I have tried to speak to him about this today. I would say I'm not a jealous person. He ( and I) would often comment if an attractive woman was on TV or in real life, it's not ever been an issue about that. I felt bad that it's a bit intrusive, seeing these things online. I don't feel comfortable coming to him and 'confronting' about this as it feels embarrassing to me somehow.

I've been thinking alot about it today, and maybe there's an underlying issue. I did tell him quite quickly into the relationship, that I felt love for him. He didnt say it back, as he said it takes him much longer to say that. It was difficult to take at the time, but i did respect him and felt i havent put any pressure on. He shows me how much he cares and ive tried to think of that when i struggle with the n
absence of the L bomb.
We met 6 months ago and have spent a lot of time together, very little nights apart and there's talk of moving in officially. I think this has triggered an insecurity in me, that maybe he's just keeping his options open. His actions normally don't reflect this though. He had tried to start to explain this woman to me this morning, but I shut it down as I was too triggered by it all still. I'm annoyed now that I didn't allow him to explain, as I wouldn't be worrying so much now and feeling the way I do.

Sorry this is long, didn't want a drip feed. I'm trying to pluck up the courage to have an adult conversation about this...I just always have a hard time expressing ugly feelings and part of me what's to bow out of the whole thing!
Any advice is welcome, thanks for reading:)

OP posts:
Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 14/09/2024 13:35

Was the photo a recent one she put up? Your feelings are valid. If thise relationship is making you feel insecure at the 6th month mark then it probably isn't right. Listen to that gut feeling.

Original poster
Paddypump · 14/09/2024 13:44

The one she was using as her profile pic was the most sexual one and he'd liked it a few months ago and a few months into our relationship. When I quickly glanced at others, there were more recent selflies that he'd liked, and old ones going back before our relationship. I stopped looking as it disgusted me. I can't help feeling like it's him showing he's interested in her. I'm not into social media so not used to this. The grown up thing would be to try and talk to him again and ask, but I've just withdrew until I work out how I really feel first. I have a habit, from previous relationships, of allowing my boundaries to be trampled over, so it's exhausting trying to be mindful. I hate any conflict, which seems to include talking about any of my needs! Thank you for replying. I'm really stuck in my head today. I want to end it with him. It's really upsetting, but like you say, it's very soon to be feeling this wobbly. I'm totally avoiding things today in the hope burying my head will make my feelings go away!

OP posts:
Anyonefortennistoday · 14/09/2024 13:52

From what you say OP it does seem he has a real interest in this woman which goes back some way.

The fact he is still openly showing this interest in her even though he is now in a relationship with you is very disrespectful to you.

I do think you should ask him about her: the fact they come from the same place could mean they have history together. I think at the very least you should tell him how his obvious interest in her makes you feel. You can ask him to stop liking her photos but obviously can't make him.
His reaction to the conversation should help you decide whether it's worth continuing with the relationship.

Original poster
Paddypump · 14/09/2024 14:09

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it. I will try and talk to him about it and see what happens.

OP posts:
Jagshamesh · 14/09/2024 15:09

Its only a like on a friends profile, its not crime of the century. Be different if he was commenting thirsty things.

Original poster
Paddypump · 14/09/2024 15:23

It's more detailed than that, but that is another side of the argument that I'm struggling with. I've never heard of this friend, the pic was her doing a pole dancing move in her underwear. A heart to me has the intention of showing interest. This seems disrespectful. I'm just trying to work out my boundaries so I don't repeat old toxic patterns. But I do understand your point. I think the deeper issue may be that I feel more invested than him, however he is full on with moving in...would you move in with someone you didn't love?

OP posts:
Jagshamesh · 14/09/2024 15:32

6 months and moving in is a different matter entirely, and a bad one at that. Look up the cocklodger threads on here. No man falls in love quicker than a man who needs somewhere to live. But you're saying he's not in love!?

Original poster
Paddypump · 14/09/2024 17:28

Yes, I mentioned in my OP that he said he takes time, it's just how he's wired. Completely respected that and I've not said it or brought it up since. It's been hard as there are times I feel bursting to say it again, as it's how I feel, but have to suppress it. It's been a strange experience. Here we are 6 months in and nothing said. I think I've reacted this way because of it to be honest.. it's a delicate area. Some people do take time. I've went along in this honeymoon phase and essentially jumped in to spending every night together, but maybe ignored things that have upset me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Paddypump · 14/09/2024 17:31

Maybe I just have a bruised ego and this is a way to kick off about it as its easier go say....feck off, you've been creeping on other women online....rather than...my feelings are hurt that you don't love me and I've been waiting patiently like a good girl. Gross. Think I'm better single.

OP posts:
SaffronsMadAboutMe · 14/09/2024 17:36

Pole dancing woman could be a BOT anyway so I wouldn't worry about that part.

I'd be more worried about the fact you're clearly more into him than he appears to be into you.

6 months and talk of moving in already?

Catch yourself on and slow yourself down.

category12 · 14/09/2024 17:38

I wouldn't be talking about moving in together if he's not at the stage of saying he loves you.

Sounds like more a practical arrangement on his side than the next step in the relationship.

I'd be wondering if maybe he likes you to be insecure and unsure of how he feels about you.

Original poster
Paddypump · 14/09/2024 17:41

She's definitely not a bot. If she was, I'd probably not be as bothered. She has a full life on show on there and from the same place as him.
I have been caught up with it all. He is very full on. He lives unofficially at mine. I've asked for space before but it never materialised. I did confess love early on. I seem to have misinterpreted that we were both there very quickly. He acts that way, I suppose. But says he can't say it? And it's never been talked about since.

OP posts:
Friendofdennis · 14/09/2024 17:45

So he sleeps with you and wants to move in with you but can’t even say that he loves you. And he is showing an interest in the sexualised pictures of another woman You are on the back foot here and you deserve someone who will make you feel loved not insecure.

Original poster
Paddypump · 14/09/2024 17:47

category12 · 14/09/2024 17:38

I wouldn't be talking about moving in together if he's not at the stage of saying he loves you.

Sounds like more a practical arrangement on his side than the next step in the relationship.

I'd be wondering if maybe he likes you to be insecure and unsure of how he feels about you.

He is affectionate, asks me loads about my day, how I feel ( about other topics), he does sweet gestures, he's attentive. I have had no reason to doubt him. I decided to not make a thing about the love word, because he was showing me it and I thought, in 6 months/ 1 years time when he feels totally secure he'll say it comfortably and I'll wonder why I worried early on, type thing.
I suppose you've hit the nail on the head. The niggly thoughts of...is this just a convenient set up for him, does play on my mind. And I think this episode has been why I've reacted so badly. It's such a hard thing to bring up..its embarrassing. Are you staying with me, slowly moving your stuff in, talking about giving up your place, because you're into me, or just into the practical arrangement. I've doubted myself and my decisions all my life, it's exhausting. And no one IRL to talk about any of this to. I appreciate your comment.

OP posts:
SaffronsMadAboutMe · 14/09/2024 17:48

Paddypump · 14/09/2024 17:41

She's definitely not a bot. If she was, I'd probably not be as bothered. She has a full life on show on there and from the same place as him.
I have been caught up with it all. He is very full on. He lives unofficially at mine. I've asked for space before but it never materialised. I did confess love early on. I seem to have misinterpreted that we were both there very quickly. He acts that way, I suppose. But says he can't say it? And it's never been talked about since.

He lives unofficially at mine. I've asked for space before but it never materialised.

This is SO fucked up.

Please tell me you don't have children?

Original poster
Paddypump · 14/09/2024 17:50

Friendofdennis · 14/09/2024 17:45

So he sleeps with you and wants to move in with you but can’t even say that he loves you. And he is showing an interest in the sexualised pictures of another woman You are on the back foot here and you deserve someone who will make you feel loved not insecure.

Yes,.when's it in plain black and white, it's shameful. I'm sure I've got an anxious attachment style that I really thought I'd worked on. He did make me feel very secure apart from this. I was being respectful ( probably mortified more).

OP posts:
Original poster
Paddypump · 14/09/2024 17:52

SaffronsMadAboutMe · 14/09/2024 17:48

He lives unofficially at mine. I've asked for space before but it never materialised.

This is SO fucked up.

Please tell me you don't have children?

Show quote history

No need to get excited. Save your judgement for someone else. It's just me and advice for mÿ relationship that I'm after..I'm.all fucked up by myself, you'll be relived to hear.

OP posts:
category12 · 14/09/2024 17:54

It doesn't sound great to me - he's moving in by stealth and wouldn't give you space when you wanted it.

And he's sniffing round other women publicly.

I don't think it's a problem of your "hurt ego" that you're upset by lack of the word love from him. I think maybe your boundaries are still squishier than they could be.

SaffronsMadAboutMe · 14/09/2024 17:58

Paddypump · 14/09/2024 17:52

No need to get excited. Save your judgement for someone else. It's just me and advice for mÿ relationship that I'm after..I'm.all fucked up by myself, you'll be relived to hear.

Show quote history

I don't think anyone here is excited, we don't know you so why would we be?

The situation is entirely fucked up and you seem to recognise that.

I'm not sure why you're getting arsey, unless you do have DC, but as I said, I'm really hoping not.

The best thing you can do now is make him move out and start your relationship again if you think it's worth saving.

Disturbia81 · 14/09/2024 18:00

I don't put up with stuff like this, it's gross. He is saying she looks hot and making sure she notices him from the 'like'
Plus he's doing it so openly where anyone can see, which is disrespectful to you.
You will never feel secure with this one

Original poster
Paddypump · 14/09/2024 18:02

category12 · 14/09/2024 17:54

It doesn't sound great to me - he's moving in by stealth and wouldn't give you space when you wanted it.

And he's sniffing round other women publicly.

I don't think it's a problem of your "hurt ego" that you're upset by lack of the word love from him. I think maybe your boundaries are still squishier than they could be.

Yes I think this is it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Paddypump · 14/09/2024 18:06

SaffronsMadAboutMe · 14/09/2024 17:58

I don't think anyone here is excited, we don't know you so why would we be?

The situation is entirely fucked up and you seem to recognise that.

I'm not sure why you're getting arsey, unless you do have DC, but as I said, I'm really hoping not.

The best thing you can do now is make him move out and start your relationship again if you think it's worth saving.

Show quote history

Your 'advice' so far as been overseasoned with put downs and judgement. I appreciate your view, but you're coming across as arsey so I gave it back, is all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Paddypump · 14/09/2024 18:09

Disturbia81 · 14/09/2024 18:00

I don't put up with stuff like this, it's gross. He is saying she looks hot and making sure she notices him from the 'like'
Plus he's doing it so openly where anyone can see, which is disrespectful to you.
You will never feel secure with this one

This is what I thought. I get that people are online and it's just likes and photos, but how do I know they didn't talk/ or message because of that like..yeah, I'm done feeling insecure. I'll do my head in with it. And it could just be an unthoughtful mistake from him. I need to woman up and talk to him and get space!

OP posts:
RazzleDazz1e · 14/09/2024 18:11

Paddypump · 14/09/2024 18:06

Your 'advice' so far as been overseasoned with put downs and judgement. I appreciate your view, but you're coming across as arsey so I gave it back, is all.

Show quote history

I actually don’t see this…. seems like you’re just defensive because the advice and assessment hits the nail on the head?

Original poster
Paddypump · 14/09/2024 18:12

RazzleDazz1e · 14/09/2024 18:11

I actually don’t see this…. seems like you’re just defensive because the advice and assessment hits the nail on the head?

Show quote history

Did you read all of their comments?

OP posts:
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