I am toxic

[JustSoSadAboutThis]

Just that.

I most likely have cPTSD from childhood/teenage/adult abuse from my parents. Physical and emotional. Not the worst it could have been but bad enough.

I've had therapy. It has helped to a degree but it's not a magic ward and I can't afford to remain in it constantly which is what I really need.

I've mostly been single. Some relationships but they haven't worked. Sometimes because of them but the older I get, the more I realise that I'm a huge contributing factor in this.

I've been in a relationship for nearly 3 years and got engaged earlier this year but it's not happy. I'm not happy. He can't be happy. And it's all me. I can see that.

My disorderd thinking patterns, low self esteem, lack of self worth, inability to see myself as worthy in other people's eyes. I'm insecure and inadequate.

I know I need to end the relationship for his sake as much as mine but I'm just so sad about it.

I feel bereft at the thought that I'm so damaged by this that I need to end a relationship that could be so good because I can't cope with it and I can't do it.

I knowntheres nothing anyone can say other than - more therapy. But I almost feel I don't have the energy or capacity for it anymore than I have the money.

I just needed to write it down and put it somewhere.

I'm sorry youre having a difficult time, you're not toxic, you're personality isn't bad or wrong it just sounds like the way you see yourself and relate to others has been negatively affected by your upbringing. You don't need to make a decision today about your relationship, so take a deep breath and give yourself some breathing space. Have you been together long? You're right that unfortunately the only thing that will help will be professional help, but as someone who has a daughter who feels very similar emotions to you (not through childhood experiences) I know how overwhelming the thought of that can feel. It is expensive but she got counselling through a local charity for free, so there's options.

For today though when you're struggling with it all, do you live with your partner? Do you have work today? In your position, I'd just want a bit of space. Do something you enjoy as some self care, whatever that may be.

I wish I had words of encouragement but if truth be told I’m in exactly the same situation, don’t know if I’ll ever have a healthy relationship.

Took my time after last break up to heal but it’s been a number of years and just can’t see me being with anyone again as still have toxic tendencies.

Is it possibly worth talking to your other half about your concerns before making up your mind to end it.

At the end of the day we all have emotional baggage from past trauma but it’s how we deal with it that matters and it sounds like you’re aware of your shortcomings and that’s half the battle

Portfun24

Whilst I appreciate what you're saying and what you're tying to do, I am toxic.

I wasn't born this way but I am so dysfunctional.and have such disordered thought processes that my partner experiences me as toxic. It doesn't matter if that is my intention or not.

shoogalypeg

Talking to him won't change anything. He didn't cause this and there is nothing he can do to change it. It's not his responsibility nor within his power.

I need peace from my own thoughts and he deserves to be happy.

Yes we do live together.

It sounds like you have the chance to be happy with this man and you have decided to self sabotage? This happens when being happy is not in your comfort zone. Everyone wants to create a reality they are comfortable in and for adults who were abused as kids this reality is often sadness and disappointment.

Same op
No advise but in exact same situation
I've got no idea why I'm like this

I haven't 'decided' to.do anything.

But it doesn't really matter. The outcome is the same.

I'm unhappy and I'm making him unhappy because of it. I don't want to make him unhappy but I don't know how to be in a relationship.

I'm tired and I'm sad and I don't want to do any of this anymore

It sounds really difficult. It sounds like you are tired of your behaviour/ thought patterns and you feel helpless. I'm sorry you went through abuse and are carrying the burden of it all.

What made you get engaged earlier in the year?

It sounds like you've been through so much, OP. 💐

It's great that you're taking some ownership, but you've also been dealt a very difficult hand, and childhood is so influential. Please go easy on yourself.

If you think more therapy would be beneficial, try going on Psychology Today, BACP directory and the Counselling Directory and look for therapists offering low cost sessions. Maybe even put some of what you've said here in an email and send it round some of the therapists that appeal to you and see. Some
There might also be an option to see them fortnightly to reduce costs.

You sound depressed and depression lies to you.

You must also remember that you can't make decisions for other people. If you want to leave to relationship for any reason, that's fine. You can do that.

However, you can't make that same decision for him. He is not your child. In fact, he is not a child at all. Respect him enough to let him make his own decision with regards to the relationship. Only end it if that is what you want to do.

That is how I feel.

I feel trapped inside myself. I don't say much about it but inside my head I'm screaming.

He asked and I love him. But it's not enough.

I think he thought I'd feel safer if we were engaged. But I don't. I feel worse.

I work full time but I rarely leave the house otherwise.

I rarely get dressed if I'm at home.

Sometimes I can barely bring myself to look at him because I feel so worthless. I don't want to affect him. I don't want him to doubt himself or to be the reason he decides to avoid a relationship in the future.

I'm spiralling and I don't know how to stop it.

I just want my head to be quiet and some peace.

People stay in relationships for all sorts of reasons they shouldn't.

Guilt and not wanting to be the bad guy, fear of the unknown, sense of obligation and not wanting to make someone feel worse when they're already having a difficult time. None of those are the right reasons to stay but people do it.

I think he thinks (thought?) he could 'love me.better' but he can't.

Who do you want to win? You or your abusive parents? Only you can stop letting them win and entering self destruct mode.

I'm sorry, but get in the shower, get dressed, brush your hair and put on some lipstick. Then have a brisk walk and buy yourself a nice coffee - just because you are worth it.

Roll on a routine and a strict to do list.

Call the Dr on Monday and get more therapy lined up. Call Relate - they are means tested. When dd was ill and help was thin on the ground, she found a brilliant therapist there and they charged us their top price which was about £30.

I agree, but you can still only make the decision for you, not for him.

Can you see a level of contentment within yourself if you were single (at least at this stage of your life)? Are your feelings particularly overloaded with the situation that you are currently in? If you feel that your relationship is exacerbating your current state of mental health (and as you point out - it's neither of your faults) then you have to look to what can fix things in this moment. If you are going to feel anxiety by remaining in the relationship and you've thought it through and don't see things improving then you are certainly not unreasonable to go your own way.

My Dad had a hard upbringing that left him with psychological issues. He did go through a lot of counselling and there was no magic wand but he did find that things got easier as he got older. I'm only saying this as a way of saying that obviously there's no easy solution to the thoughts that run around in one's head but things can get better and you can reach a level of contentment in your life.

All the best to you, whatever you decide to do.

Who do you want to win? You or your abusive parents?

I'm not interested in winning anymore. I used to be really focused on not letting them have the rest of my life too (I'm nc) but I just want peace now. And I don't have that at the moment.

I can have a shower, I can go out. I'm doing that this morning as I have some things to do but I'll still be with me and I'll still be there when I get back.

I've had some really good self care routines over the years but they have very little impact.

From your post I’m unable to answer your question, so my question is, what behaviours is causing you to label yourself as toxic?

You said “My disorderd thinking patterns, low self esteem, lack of self worth, inability to see myself as worthy in other people's eyes. I'm insecure and inadequate” those are not toxic behaviours, however, low self esteem does affect your attachment style, which impacts relationships.

You can google CBT techniques to challenge your negative beliefs (core beliefs) and practice gratitude towards yourself and your partner can improve the relationship.

Gottman have some good relationship advice.

While a therapist is beneficial, you can also do some work yourself.

Yes, I know. But I don't think he understands. I know he doesn't.

I read three threads on here by women who describe men they are unhappy with akd still they stay. Each one believes that one day they will find the right words or he'll see how much she loves him and it'll all be ok. It destroys her in the process and she still fails.

I don't want to destroy him in the process. I don't want to live with that.

Thank you.

I'm glad your dad found it easier as he got older. I thought I would too.

I understand it all better as I get older. But it doesn't get any easier and I think that the hope that one day it'll all just fall into place has just gone.

I'm not sure I've found it easier as I've got older
I think I hide it better
Perhaps being more financially stable as I've gotten older has helped too . Shallow being that I am .

You seem really overwhelmed and exhausted from the constant checking of yourself and the internal battles. There's a sense of feeling like a failure or perhaps a fear of failure? The word 'fail' really stood out from reading your updates, OP.
It's really okay to take time to be on your own, away from the pressures of relationships. It's sounds like relationships have been your main source of stress.
Has anything in particular triggered this to be heightened for you recently?

Thank you.

I've had cbt. It's how I have a job and can leave the house at all. But it's not really suitable.

I'm highly self-critical, I can no longer go out with him because I feel shame at not being good enough. I become withdrawn and can't speak to him. I'm unaffectionate because I don't feel I deserve it or have any right to be. I compare myself to others and get cross with him when I find myself lacking. I don't take it out on him verbally. I just become very quiet and that's why i cant go out with him. Because I know it's not his fault but I feel hostile towards myself and believe I'm doing him a favour.

I've tried pushing through it but that's a bad idea because I can't cope with it and end up coming home or spoiling the evening by withdrawing. I've tried not to but I might as well be trying to walk on a broken leg.

I believe he is cheating on me. Not physically. I think he is communicating online or being unfaithful online. I don't accuse him. I keep it inside. Because I don't see how he would want me or how I would be enough. I believe he has settled for me because he deserves so much more and better and he must be able to see that too.

I don't put any of it onto him I keep it inside but sometimes it comes out of nowhere. We can be having a nice time and suddenly it just descends. And I withdraw. I have to be quiet because of the competing thoughts in my head. I can't hear myself think sometimes and, if I try to speak, I don't know which words or thoughts to trust. So I say nothing.

But that's interpreted by people silent treatment or stonewalling and it's abusive but I'm just trying to keep all the thoughts contained and I couldn't speak because I can't find the words and I can't get them out if I do.

I've had 3 relationships in the past 30 years. All lasting less that 2 years. This one has lasted nearly three. I'm used to being on my own.

I'm not scared of that.

I'm scared of being settled for, of being with someone who is disgusted by me and feels they can't get away and I'm scared or being with someone who looks at me thinking they could do better or if only I could be more like this or less like that.

When I said about relationships being stressful, I also meant your early ones too not just romantic ones, I never meant to imply that you were scared of being alone, I'm sure being alone has it's own peace and quiet for you! You sounded trapped from reading your posts and it was just to acknowledge that and remind you that you know you can leave, you are allowed to leave for any reason.

I remember hearing someone say that when you have low self esteem ( I relate, I'm constantly trying to get mine up out the gutter) and you are in a relationship, you either find your partner naive for being with you ( they must not realise how shit I am, but it's coming...) or you completely doubt their intentions ( they are in it to manipulate me). It's like, you just can't trust them because why would they make the willing and informed choice to be with you, when you don't even want to be with you.

But you know it's your self esteem issues and you are trying to work on those and you're right, it only comes from us, it's not up to anyone else.

Do you find joy in anything? Anything you do for yourself? Would you say you know yourself, your wants and needs in life? You say you've spent a long time on your own, how was that time spent with yourself?