I am toxic

[JustSoSadAboutThis]

Just that.

I most likely have cPTSD from childhood/teenage/adult abuse from my parents. Physical and emotional. Not the worst it could have been but bad enough.

I've had therapy. It has helped to a degree but it's not a magic ward and I can't afford to remain in it constantly which is what I really need.

I've mostly been single. Some relationships but they haven't worked. Sometimes because of them but the older I get, the more I realise that I'm a huge contributing factor in this.

I've been in a relationship for nearly 3 years and got engaged earlier this year but it's not happy. I'm not happy. He can't be happy. And it's all me. I can see that.

My disorderd thinking patterns, low self esteem, lack of self worth, inability to see myself as worthy in other people's eyes. I'm insecure and inadequate.

I know I need to end the relationship for his sake as much as mine but I'm just so sad about it.

I feel bereft at the thought that I'm so damaged by this that I need to end a relationship that could be so good because I can't cope with it and I can't do it.

I knowntheres nothing anyone can say other than - more therapy. But I almost feel I don't have the energy or capacity for it anymore than I have the money.

I just needed to write it down and put it somewhere.

I hear you and have been / am in a similar place. I felt stuck in an unhappy relationship, we were engaged and I felt like I had committed too much to do anything about it, despite being unhappy. I didn’t have the self worth to end it, he did.
I met someone else quite quickly afterwards, and it’s everything I wanted my last relationship to be. But I’m self-sabotaging - punishing myself for past mistakes, beating myself up for lack of self worth etc. My new partner is amazing but I’m so stuck in a negative headspace I can’t embrace it.
I’m about to start a course of antidepressants (admitting this to myself was quite a hard step) but as soon as I did, I felt relieved.
Although it’s hard, you’re not on your own.

Thank you. Your post made a lot of sense.

I remember hearing someone say that when you have low self esteem ( I relate, I'm constantly trying to get mine up out the gutter) and you are in a relationship, you either find your partner naive for being with you ( they must not realise how shit I am, but it's coming...) or you completely doubt their intentions ( they are in it to manipulate me). It's like, you just can't trust them because why would they make the willing and informed choice to be with you, when you don't even want to be with you.

This is exactly how I feel.

I have two children (both adults now) who I've miraculously managed to not completely fuck up! So most of my time has been spent with them. And working on myself. Doing hobbies etc. And working, I'm educated (BSc/MA) and work in a professional role but I've never had a permanent role because I've always felt I needed to give them and myself an easy get out.

I don't really have the time, motivation or capacity for my main hobby anymore. I've lost all my confidence and am putting the equipment up for sale this weekend as I just want it gone now.

I just feel I need to keep my head down now and bide my time now until its all over.

I am very sorry you feel like this, it sounds very difficult.
I have to say that I think you also sound quite depressed.
I wonder if something in the relationship has triggered this, for example, you say you believe he is cheating, why is that? Is this a reasonably grounded belief that is feeding your insecurity?
i am single, have been for years, so am not the best commentator on relationships, but when you say you are giving up your main hobby and selling the things, this goes beyond the relationship and is what makes me think you are depressed. I am not sure if you have spoken to your Gp about this depression, but I would be trying to address that first and foremost.

you say you believe he is cheating, why is that? Is this a reasonably grounded belief that is feeding your insecurity?

I'm not attractive so I don't believe he finds me attractive. He likes (liked) my personality. It wasn't about what looked like. But he isn't blind. He will see other women are attractive. He must look at them and wish he had someone like that.

Someone who is confident in and about themselves who will dress up or behave flitatuously or just be happy.

I'm not worth being faithful to. What I have to offer isn't worth being faithful for.

@JustSoSadAboutThis have you told him how you feel? When you’re out and the depressed/low moods hit and you become silent? Does he actually know your thought process when that happens, or is he left wondering? I mean do you even tell him when the time has passed, ie the next day, if you can’t get the words out at the time?

Sounds like you have put so much effort in to raising your kids away from any of the crap you experienced growing up, and that is not easy when that's all we've been modelled in early life.

The urgency in wanting to sell your hobby equipment- is that because looking at it, it's a constant reminder of everything you are not doing right now? If it's expensive and cherished kit, what about storing it out of sight for now, just until you navigate the next few weeks and months? You sound like you don't want to bother with hobbies right now.

I get the sense you just want to shut off and bunker down for a bit. Is your partner the type to give you lots of space without putting pressure or putting his feelings onto you? It feels like you really want some immediate relief and are exhausted. Is it worth taking time to bulid your energy up before going through the break up?

but when you say you are giving up your main hobby and selling the things, this goes beyond the relationship and is what makes me think you are depressed.

We met through the hobby.

It's all just a reminder of who I was when I was single and more confident and who I was when he met me.

I'm not that person anymore. She's gone.

I have worked really hard to keep my childen away from it all.

I've been the opposite sort of parent to the way mine were and I'm so incredibly proud of them both for who they have become.

The urgency in wanting to sell your hobby equipment- is that because looking at it, it's a constant reminder of everything you are not doing right now? If it's expensive and cherished kit, what about storing it out of sight for now, just until you navigate the next few weeks and months? You sound like you don't want to bother with hobbies right now

Yes, you're right.

I've been thinking about it for a few months now already. I know I won't do it again. The opportunities aren't there for me and I have really lost all my confidence in doing it. The time I used to spend on it to be proficient made it almost a second job really time wise.

I get the sense you just want to shut off and bunker down for a bit.

That's very true. That's how I feel.

He does give me as much space as I need but it's not much of a relationship is it if I withdraw completely?

I keep trying to imagine how I would feel being on my own again and knowing that was it forever. And I can't.

I don't know.

I give him snippets I suppose but it scares me to say it all out loud.

I should but then I imagine what it would be like to hear it all and so I don't.

And I don't want to tell him some of it in case he tells me I'm right but he loves me anyway.

And I don't want him to tell me I'm wrong because I won't believe him so it feels pointless saying anything.

Well, at the risk of sounding trite, none of us are the people we used to be. Things change, we change. But equally, if you met through the hobby, what has changed that you don’t do it anymore? How did that happen?
‘when I was single and more confident’ - how has not being single made you less confident?

I think these are really important questions. Because as you say, you are spiralling and you want to leave the relationship, and thinking it is all because you are a toxic person, when in actual fact, there might be reasons why all these negative feelings are surfacing.

I am really sorry, I am writing this between other things and I will come back and read properly. It seems to me that you are questioning yourself and your behaviour, and then internalising things as well - so it seems like this is hurting you the most, not other people. So therefore I don’t think you or your behaviour is toxic, because otherwise you wouldn’t question so much.

Talulahalula

I appreciate what you're saying but it is me. I knpw it is. I have enough insight to know that.

I know that it's often the case that a woman posts saying similar and it turns out her husband is an arsehole but that's really not what's happening here.

These feelings always arise when I've had a relationship. Some of it has been them but a lot of it is me. I have to face who I really am in a relationship and I don't like that.

I don't feel good enough. That's why I lose my confidence.

As for the hobby. It's not something I can do on my own properly and I can't find other people to do it with who want to do the same as me and who do it to the same standard as me. The opportunities ae few and far between and they've dried up.

At rhe same time, I've lost confidence in my abilities, and I don't really have the time I need to commit because of work.

I know everyone changes but 3 years ago, I was happy confident and outgoing and now I'm none of those things.

What type of therapy you have is the key here.

You mention CBT, have you had any other therapy?

It’s great that CBT has helped you function but it is so superficial and will not touch any of your underlying trauma.

Have you looked into EMDR? Many types of psychotherapy?

Until you process and integrate your past trauma you will have no chance of changing the maladaptive coping mechanisms you label as toxic.

I get it. There is a great peace that comes with being single knowing you can't hurt anybody and nobody can hurt you

If you have cptsd, CBT is not a suitable therapy. You need to see a psychotherapist or trauma therapist.

I think it takes a person with real courage and decency to be able to say 'I don't make this person happy so I'm going to step away'. And recognise they themselves aren't in a place for a relationship right now.

I won't baby you, you sound like you have a shit ton to work through still and should be single for it. But at least you are aware of how your own behaviour is contributing to your relationship woes and decent enough to know when to set someone free.

There's no shame in having tried. But if you don't work as a couple, then don't try and force the pieces to fit.

Sometimes peace heals just as much as therapy. Get into meditation perhaps. Take trips to nice places like parks and galleries. Get books about cptsd and maybe things like overcoming anxiety, self help guides to inner peace etc... you can probably find some things in library's or second hand on ebay. Theres really no need to pay a fortune for therapy if you can read.

Sorry you're at a hard point of your journey right now. Wishing you strength moving forwards.

yes, okay, I hear what you are saying.
as I say, I have been single for a long time and I am not sure how I would approach a relationship again. I think I might feel a bit suffocated living with someone as I am by nature somewhat disorganised and I like to just be myself. Which is not your situation, I know that, but just saying, I am not the best person to have the best insights with relationships. I don’t think you are a toxic person for what you are describing though.

I hear you OP and you could be me.

I am toxic also. It took me to middle age to be able to start to see myself clearly and make sense of why I was this way.

Controlling behaviour in relationships (because change and uncertainly cause me great anxiety and fear which often shows itself as anger)

Self Sabatage - when things are going 'well' I feel terrified waiting for it to fall apart and so I cause it to end to feel comfortable. Chaos, violence, abuse, uncertaintly is where I feel 'normal' as this is what I was brought up in. Calm, peace, happy, contented makes me feel anxious and stressed out as I am always waiting for it to change suddenly.

Not believing anyone who loves you/is attracted to you as many years of your parents telling you how ugly/worthless/bit of shit you are is ingrained in you no matter how much you try to be logical about it.

Anger and Rage - so much anger and rage at the unfair treatment of me when I was a vunerable child. Unable to vent it at the correct source so often displaced and taken out on relationship partner.

Attachment issues due to my source of comfort (caregiver) was also my source of terror when growing up. I seek connection but am terrified by it.

Mother was cruel, controlling, angry, extreme mood swings, an expert in gaslighting (before that word was around). Children made reponsible for looking after her and making her happy which was an impossible task. Often torremented, terrified. Sucked thumb way beyond 'normal age' and bed wetting due to fear. Father depressed and enabled mums behaviour to 'save himself'

I've had therapy but it cost's a fortune and I would need it for years and years.

My solution to not have relationships. Lonely yes but I am not hurting anyone.

Ironically I am fine in non romantic relationships (mostly) so work etc.

Like you crippling low self esteem, depression, anxiety

I thought when I grew up it would be over but it took me to middle age to see how much a terrible childhood robs from you.

No answers but sorry for your pain.

It's so sad. You have an awful, unloved, cruel childhood and then as an adult you don't get to experience the normal happy stuff either. So it's a double loss.

HelloIsAnyoneThere

You've summed it up so well. Especially your last paragraph.

I did have conversation with a retired psychotherapist friend many years ago. She said I'd need long term psychotherapy to address it all and probably for the rest of my life. It would be a painful process and one that was difficult to go through and I just can't do that. I have a demanding full time job that doesn't allow for any 'down' moments.

Maladaptive coping mechanisms are all I have.

It would be a painful process and one that was difficult to go through and I just can't do that.

It certainly would. But how painful and difficult is your life as it is? I cannot describe the lightness felt after coming out of the other side of psychotherapy. Being in it was hideous at times, like pulling teeth, but in hindsight so so so worth it.

Also, there are types of therapy where you don’t have to dredge up anything at all - EMDR for the cPTSD you mention - have you looked into that? It is possible to do EMDR without actual talking in any depth about the trauma.

Yes it is resource and cost intensive. You are worth it. Your inner child deserves your love. It’s not your fault you were let down so badly.

open.spotify.com/episode/5lzE87OdiLv7fbINtilwnQ?si=uB3Dn45gQHCPtxy0rearYw

WallabyJob

I can't open the link, I don't have a Spotify account. But thanks.

I know what you saying about therapy but if I keep my world small then it's manageable.

My MH is quite fragile at times and I don't feel I can take the risk of being unable to work for any period. I can't afford to drop the ball at work due to my profession so it's a case of papering over the cracks as they arise and until new ones appear. I've found ways of managing.

And I'm scared of feeling worse than I do now.

I've seen EMDR recommended before but I don't feel strong enough to do anything at the moment.

Thank you and thank you for the suggestions.

You say it’s manageable but you also said

’ I feel trapped inside myself. I don't say much about it but inside my head I'm screaming.’

‘I just want my head to be quiet and some peace.’

And that part of the reason you might break up with someone you love is because you ‘feel so worthless.’

Your mental health will continue to be fragile and your existence miserable unless you address this stuff.

It sounds like you’re afraid of becoming somehow undone. A properly trained therapist uses containment to avoid opening up painful stuff that we aren’t ready to face https://therapyinanutshell.com/container-method/

No job is worth sacrificing your mental health for, and it is very common for people to process severe trauma without taking time off.

You will find the path that’s right for you. Observe your feelings, take lots of deep breaths to help regulate your nervous system and try to be curious about feelings of needing to run/avoid. Sending you strength.

Thank you. That was helpful to read.

You're right. I say it's a manageable because I keep everything in so no one else has to deal with it and then I don't have to face it. But I'm not managing it really.

Hi OP. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. Hearing you so down on yourself, like you don't deserve anything good and can't understand why anyone would stay with you, is heartbreaking.

I wanted to share my own story in case there's any parallels. I've also got CPTSD. I've been VLC with family, that may well become NC too. I also got married recently. It's triggered a lot of emotional turmoil.

I've survived a lot, but I'm also completely unused to being truly loved and seen, and being someone's priority. While it has enabled a lot of healing for me; the act of being legally married now has also triggered a lot of depression, flashbacks of past trauma, a lot of my low self-esteem coming to the fore. Sometimes I resent my DH for being so attentive and caring towards me, when I just want to withdraw and hide. I want to slink off like a wounded animal and lick my wounds and just be left to wither away in peace. Because withdrawing and hiding and having no expectations of anyone and blaming myself for EVERYTHING - was how I survived my emotionally abusive family. It was safe for everyone - I didn't get hurt by anyone, and they got to just call me "independent" and get on with their lives.

I've also had a good degree of professional success, but was forced to quit my most recent job due to stress and now we're dealing with fertility issues too. So...there's a lot of pain. And my usual coping strategy of blaming myself for everything, I'm a terrible person who brings nothing to the table, I can't even bring an income to the table now, or give this man a child, etc...they're trying so hard to kick in. So, so hard. I have to fight every day to correct my thoughts, connect with my body and remind myself that I am safe now, I don't have to "not matter" anymore. I get to matter now. I get to listen to and believe my own feelings. I get to grieve for the family I never had, and feel heartbroken about my current circumstances, and then build my new life from there.

It's really, really hard to cultivate good things for yourself when you come from family dysfunction and were never allowed to see yourself as good, worthy. It's very triggering too. A very young and hurt part of me always fights it, because it scares me stiff. That young part of me just wants to rot, wants to be left alone, wants to give up on it all. I'm trying now to get to know that young part of myself, because she's really just a scared child that was never comforted. She never learned that these are just feelings, and feelings aren't everything. Feelings will pass, if you sit with them and allow them to move through you.

Things that help me now: moving my body every day. Walking, yoga, somatic movement, sea swimming, even walking on a treadmill in the gym for an hour. It brings me out of my scary past and into the present, where I'm a 38 YO woman in a safe life now. What does 38 yo me want to achieve today?

Also, journalling, lots of journalling. I wake up in fear and confusion almost every day. Again, when you have childhood trauma - very normal. Mornings weren't fun, light or easy. Getting up for another day of pain was terrifying. So I try to wake up and write all those feelings down, it feels almost like a purge, and then I walk the dog and go on with my day.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to say to you - as someone who understands you, and has read through all your posts - my initial thought was how far you've already come. You had that hard awakening that most people can't face. You went NC. You had your own family. You achieved professional success. You sought a healthier life, you trusted that you could find true love. You've come so far and done so much of the hard work already! I feel like it's just a continuation of rewiring of your brain that will help you here.

I wish you the best of luck x