Just found out boyfriend has been lying and cheating

[needahandholdpls]

I know this is a tale as old as time... I just need a handhold in these early hours of the morning.

Met a guy about 18 months ago. He had a bit of a reputation as a womaniser, so it was casual to begin with but earlier this year he was adamant he wanted to be in a committed exclusive relationship with me so we have given it ago.

Against my better judgement I have ignored some "red flags" because I am divorced following infidelity on my exDH part and I thought possibly I was being paranoid.

There was one woman in particular who I had issues about because I knew they had been on and off for some time, he assured me it was all done and that he would block her so they would be in no further contact. The corker is, I work with this woman and she herself is in a long term relationship, and something never added up about how things were left between the two of them despite him assuring me he had no feelings etc.

Anyway this week we had booked break away pre Christmas and have been making various plans up until the new year. Tonight we had a lovely dinner, cooked him at his home.

He fell asleep... and I know it was wrong but I looked at his phone. Turns out he has still been in contact with this woman, in fact she was with him and his children just a couple of days ago. He's also been messaging another woman who he works with,

I woke him up, he was dazed and confused, I told him he was a scumbag and to look at his phone to see why, and left his house.

I'm home now, I just feel so sad, stupid and numb. Why did I let this happen to me again? Why did he think so little of me to lie and disrespect me in such a way? We have met each others children and I really started to believe that maybe we were developing into something real.

I've blocked him, there's nothing he can possibly say to excuse this, I just feel so sad and stupid.

Don't beat yourself up for falling for his act. The good thing is you've walked away. I think most of us have tried to see the best in people, ignored red flags and believed their words instead, and been disappointed.

I know you're sad now, but you'd have been more sad if you'd stayed. You've done the right thing.

Well, it's not you, is it? You're really really not the problem here.

I just feel such a fool, I really started to let my guard down with him and he has lied to me, looking me in the eye, persistently.

I know I couldn't have stayed, I was already feeling anxious about things and he assured me I had no need to, so I ignored my gut instinct. He told me he loved me.... i can't believe I believed him.

Thankyou for your kind words

Good for you trusting your gut and doing something about it. Move onwards and upwards.

Why do we women do this? Blame ourselves for someone else’s behaviour? I used to, until I realised I had no control over what another allegedly fully functioning adult did. You’ve done nothing wrong op. You gave someone a chance and they’ve let you down. That is on HIM not you.
Excellent, excellent work leaving and blocking him. You have seen who he is and he is a selfish asshole, morally bankrupt and emotionally stunted. Not the man for you and in reality, you’ve had a lucky escape. Don’t blame yourself, you did nothing wrong xxx

It isn't you OP. Liars lie and they are good at it. My personal rule of thumb is that I will not be with anyone who I don't trust. Relationships are built on the foundation of trust. If you lack that trust - walk. I wish you the very best. 🌸

Thankyou all

@Ivegotaboneinmyleg it is scary just how good he has been at lying. I had a sleepless night running through things, events, things he's said and it's almost pathological how easy it has come to him to lie to me.

And all for someone who has no intention of leaving her long term partner. He's (my now ex BF) dated and messed around with other people in the time they were on and off so there's a strange dynamic there but he had told me that with my it was different bla bla bla.

Also saw other messages he'd been sending to a woman he worked with instigating conversation... obviously ego driven and desperate for attention,

Men like him are often good with words but poor with actions. Unfortunately it’s always a risk dating this type of man as they just can’t seem to ever settle down and focus on one person.

Good for you for your prompt actions. He is really better off left behind.

I applaud you for just leaving and blocking. That takes strength and courage. He's not meant for you (you're far too good for him). Sending a hug

@Solotwo yeah, it's like he wants to live this Peter Pan lifestyle (he's 38 but his friends are mostly younger) but enjoys the comfort of a relationship too when it suits him and doesn't quite know where he's going with life. But for a moment I genuinely believed we were on the same page about our relationship and moving things forward.

He knew how hurt I'd been following the breakdown of my marriage and yet went and did it anyway. Arsehole.

Yeah. Good for you for walking anway quickly. Takes guts that. It’s very easy to fall for these charmers and believe their bullshit. He won’t be thinking about anyone’s feelings as these types never do. They just think about themselves and their dicks.

Some people are natural liars. When I split with my ExH he tried to tell me that he didn't "always lie" as most told my way was "truth". It was called "the lie sandwich" - aka truth - lie - truth. It took me a long time to trust again. I have been with my current husband for 22 years - married for 17 of them. There is life after liars - and who wants their mind all messed up with somebody else's web of lies anyway??? Good luck OP. Look out for yourself first. 🏵

Womanisers are very convincing that they love and want commitment with you, they've had plenty of practice and know what to say! but like you say it's the red flags you overlook because you want to believe them that it's real.
The OW at your work obviously doesn't mind being treated like a doormat but you are much stronger but cutting him off, you deserve much better.

OP well done for taking action now. You deserve so much better. The more you get comfortable in your own skin and company the better your boundaries I found. The less willing you are to compromise for these feckless idiots. And believe me, I've also been there with these nobbish men.

I hope you have friends and family you can spend time with who deserve your excellent company.

Stay strong

I thought I'd share an update as to where I am now as I know how I often read old threads and I wonder how things panned out.

It'll be 2 weeks tomorrow since I last saw him. The morning after it happened he messaged the following:

Hi needahandhold
I'm so sorry about lying to you.
(Ex) came round as she wanted to give (his son) a birthday card, and we had been chatting now and again and sending each other clips. Nothing else has happened.
I know this has caused so much hurt, and I hate that I have done that to you.
I'm really sorry, I love spending time with you and I feel so stupid for throwing it away.

I didn't reply and have heard nothing since. I know he's a coward and will do anything to avoid confrontation. I didn't believe him, he had told me he was in no contact with his ex. He had cited one of the reasons that they never worked out was that she had no interest in his children, yet the fact she had been with them and spending time with them, bringing round birthday cards... says differently. For context, she herself is in a very long term relationship that she doesn't seem to be showing any signs of leaving, so it seems they have both met people with poor moral compass and integrity. He stated he never wanted a relationship with her... and when she spoke about leaving her partner he said she could, but not to be with him. But again, I will never know the truth.

It's been a challenging 2 weeks, replaying a lot of scenarios where I ignored my gut, and wondering why he did what he did. We spent a lot of time together, had a lot of sex, shared interests etc... so I don't know how he could have felt lacking, but I'm beginning to understand that he has a bottomless pit when it comes to his need for female validation (his reputation speaks to this!)

All in all, I feel a little sad, mostly annoyed with myself... but also, a lot less anxious. No more worrying about what he's doing, wondering why he's taking longer than normal to reply to me, always second guessing if he's about to pull the rug from underneath me.

Thankyou to those who replied to my original post, it gave me strength when I needed it.

Great update OP

Be very proud you didn't fall for his crappy message.

@itsmylife7 Thankyou. It took everything in my power not to reply to him and give him a peace of my mind. I learnt from my ex husband you never get anywhere when having a conversation someone who is very comfortable lying to you...

Onwards and upwards, hopefully one day I'll meet someone with integrity and honesty 🙏🏼

This is EXACTLY why every single person who cheats, does so. It’s NOT to do with their partner or their marriage, because any reason that’s bad enough to cheat for it is bad enough to leave for.

It’s because of their sense of entitlement . They want exactly what you say - the comfort / convenience / financial benefits / domestic and emotional labour of a regular partner at home and the thrills / control/ ego boost of having others on the side.

Thats what it always boils down to .

@S0CKPUPPET I agree. He liked a lot of what I offered him... very supportive (probably too much so), reliable, fairly attractive (even though he would hardly ever compliment me, he would often refer to the fact he knew I could do better than him).

He also said on many occasions he liked how independent I was and how I had built my own life/home/career... yet I noticed there were times where he would subtly put me down about things too. ("Who hung that picture on the wall, it's a bit wonky" / "You earn good money considering you don't do much")

All the offerings would have all felt very mundane and boring to him as well, I'm sure. He cheated on his ex wife after she had given him children (saying she wouldn't let him live how he wanted to and suffocated him) so I should have run a mile when I learnt this, lesson learnt.

I love this phrase “good with words but poor with actions.”

Hello. I kinda want to give you a handhold because you have been super strong. I class myself as single. I live alone. I work and support myself. But I for the last 4 years have been in a very strange situation similar to yours.

The gut instinct tends to be on it doesn't it! I'd never met a man like it in terms of lying. He was still messaging his ex and putting 3 kisses to her for the first 2 years of our relationship. 😂 I mean how the hell is that OK or normal. But I was "trained" to think they had a lovely friendship and they were being mature after 9 years together. Hmm yes but the relationship had stopped because one day she shouted that's it we are done. It most likely was the numerous women he had messaged, slept with and flirted with via Facebook. Could well have been him being impossible to grow with. He didn't pay towards the bills. Drank himself into a mess. Lied and caused enough drama. But for some reason she stayed there as a friend (provably his overdose attempt) but she even helped him move house.

2 years into our relationship he went upstairs to bed and I checked his phone. He had sent her a link to a song they loved and said "I'm crying over our good times" she told him to be happy hunny. He didn't reply. But I was so angry. I scrolled up amd realised there was a different warmth in his messages to her. He clearly valued her more than he did me..

We got back together after 8 months (wtf) and she had a bf and no longer messaged. He unfortunately was no different. He was on zoosk. Perving on various women and texting anyone with a pulse.

He still contacts me now and I know he doesn't have it in him to love and respect me.

I genuinely wish I'd stayed strong like you.

Don't feel bad.

He's the fool here.

You'll move on but he'll always be a home wrecker and sad sack. Players are never happy people.

You found your strength eventually, and you were strong enough that you weren't totally oblivious to what he was doing, clearly. These men are skilled liars and leeches when it comes to emotions and play on us. My focus should have been razor sharp after coming out of an unfaithful marriage, but he fooled me (well he did, but he didn't if that makes sense, I fooled myself really).

Well done for getting away, and of course he will keep contacting you- because he'll never meet anyone like you again who will treat him well and tolerate his sh*t. They're all the same.

I've been reading a lot about karma and the universe because the old immature me would have been out for revenge by possibly blowing up his little situation with the ex... but I don't want to be that person anymore...

I read something that said "When someone wrongs you, their karma is living long enough to watch your life manifest into something beautiful, without them" x

I already see his life failing. No friends. No family. Skint. Alone. Sad. Depressed. But he didn't learn from loosing his ex. He did the same pattern of behaviours with me.
He has a daughter with bipolar and I honestly think he hasn't been diagnosed with something. The man's a train wreck. He's late 40s now. I'm mid 30s. He won't change. He's just addicted to lying and attention.

I hope you are OK. I walked around eith a heavy heart for ages so I know all to well the grief. The anger. The hurt. Why do they waste our time.

It takes time to truly piece is all together so we talk in hindsight I guess. My first red flag was 4 days in when he said he wanted me to show mild but not crazy jealousy towards his ex because she still got to see him. Somehow he turned it round to me misreading the message.

I could write a book after him. There's some truly dangerous characters out there. They are dangerous aswel. They cause depression and pain.

You said it. He's an ass hole!
You have taken control back. His loss and your gain! Xx