Handhold please, I’ve had enough

[QuirkyRaven]

i would love a handhold and some practical advice. Yesterday my H shouted at me about how I’m unreasonable, go over the past too much, rake up filth, am inflexible, won’t make one small adjustment etc. I’d been out on a very rare evening on my own and had a lovely time supporting a friend at a launch event.

He has lost it like this with me before, but today I have a huge urge to leave, to say enough, to put an end to being demeaned and belittled and made to feel less than a person.

I don’t want to drip feed, I can’t really think clearly and feel a bit stunned, but I know I want to leave.

I think the important bit are we are a blended family with DC of our own, adult DC who are his and a DC who is mine but who he has brought up. He is loved by all the DC, but the love I had for him has been eroded by years of being put down, told my emotions are unhelpful, told I’m autistic (I’m not ND, it is used by H as a slur), told I’m a Nazi (I have German heritage, I’m definitely not a Nazi) and today I physically feel I cannot take any more of it. It sounds strange but it feels like a very bodily reaction of “no more”.

He has never been violent but will do things like stare me out or ignore me if I express how I feel. I find this intimidating

There’s no sex and no emotional intimacy really either.

I have decided to end this. I’m not sure what to do next in practical terms. I’m the higher earner. I’d like him to leave and have asked him to please leave in the past, but he becomes verbally aggressive and shouts about how this is his home and I’m going for the nuclear response needlessly. I’m scared about how it will affect the DC but also know that living like this will affect them too. I feel sad, and often very lonely.

What is your housing situation? Jointly owned/rented?
How old is your DC?
Get all your paperwork together
Speak to a solicitor

Good luck

Hi there, I did not want to read and run but speak to a solicitor and they can write a letter to ask him to leave as a first step. I will come back later but this is something you can do before the weekend. Depending on the age of your shared DC, a good family solicitor would be best. Take care x

Thank you, we jointly own our house. DC at home at 10 and 13. The others are adults and live independently. I’m going to go online now and book a solicitor’s appointment.

Also, my understanding is that if I ask a solicitor to write asking him to leave, he can just ignore that letter, that he doesn’t have to leave. I don’t want to waste money on a letter that just expresses what I want on my behalf, if that makes sense? I’d rather keep it for things I absolutely need a solicitor for, but I’m not completely clear in my head what they are.

Can you afford to buy him out?

You can't make him leave his own house. You could ask him, but he could equally ask you to leave since you're the one that wants to separate. It might be that you both need to continue to live together until the house can be sold/bought out by one of you. A solicitor can help you with starting divorce proceedings and drafting a financial settlement.

@QuirkyRaven the letter should not cost much and it might make him sit up and take notice. The letter can say that you are asking for him to leave due to unreasonable / threatening behaviour and he should take it more seriously, Your initial consultation should cost a few hundred and it that it can contain that you wish to file for divorce and open a dialogue to make arrangements fir children / finances possibly through mediation, you both need to be assessed to see if you both qualify.

On a personal level, I am really sorry your H ruined your evening, it’s not an uncommon thing when the male shows abusive traits as they feel jealous / possessive / hard done by looking after the dc. You sound so fed up but yet strong enough to say right that’s it!

Thank you @Secondstart1001 for your kindness but especially for that form of wording. Waiting for a call back from a family solicitor firm, hopefully for an appointment next week. I’ll take your words with me!

@pinkyredrose I am not sure and it sounds bad, I hadn’t thought of that. I’m going to get some financial advice next week too.

He doesn’t have to leave if jointly owned, my ex wouldn’t I had 18m of living in same house. If I could’ve left with kids to rent I would but all savings in an account solely in his name. I’m 5 years down the road and don’t regret leaving for a second. It’ll be hard I’m not going to lie to you but good luck. See a solicitor asap

What happened at the end of those 18 months @millymoo1202 ? That sounds so stressful, well done coming out on the other side of that. Thanks for your encouragement too.

I’ve got an appointment with a family law solicitor on Monday morning.

He eventually moved out as I settled for 50/50 which was the wrong thing to do as i had 2 kids to house and look after where he went into a one bed rental paying next to nothing with no provision for the kids, he’s recently bought a 4 bed mansion for himself whilst he saved every penny for past 5 years on his 90k salary. Kids have never stayed with him and have no intention as he missed the boat. If I’d not agreed to 50:50 I’d date say I’d be inside for murder, I’m not joking unfortunately or still living miserably in my spare room

Stay strong, op. I'm so glad that you have made the choice to not live like this and to get your children out of this horrible environment.

Thank you @Aquamarine1029 . I feel strong and also close to tears, if that makes sense.

Goodness @millymoo1202 that sounds horrendous. Glad you are ok.

I got an email confirmation of what I thought was an appointment with a family law solicitor. It’s a big firm, I rang asking for an appointment with the local office, but have been given a free half hour call with a “client care team”. I’m a bit confused as I was very specific in what I asked for, ie an appointment with a family law solicitor and then even spelled it out, “I want to get divorced” and the admin was saying “oh gosh, well I have to take down your details” and sounded quite ruffled by my directness.

I can only cope with making bookings like this in unemotional planning mode and am worried I’m now only be getting generic advice on Monday. Should I try somewhere else? Or just accept the free call and hope they can book me an appointment? I was hoping for a letter like @Secondstart1001 suggested earlier.

I also keep looking online and thinking I can fill the divorce application form in myself, but will likely need legal advice/ mediation for financial stuff and the DC. Does that sound about right, or am I missing something obvious?

@QuirkyRaven think you just have to ride weekend out tbh. Don’t let this consume you, I would also say that you should try a few firms to see who is best fit for you. The letter will then follow after consultation and trust me once the ball is rolling it will be ok. My solicitor was really compassionate with me, she worked for a large firm and didn’t send her invoice team to their accounts department for my final divorce proceeding as I’d already paid thousands on other stuff in process of divorce. You need to find someone you trust, treat it a bit like you are interviewing them.

Get out this weekend with dc and without him if possible. Remember a lot of women have been divorced and you don’t need to be strong all the time either. It will be ok and you will be ok x

Thank you. That’s good advice. She sounds great and I hope I find someone like her.

No, he doesn’t have to leave, any more than you do. Best consult a solicitor.

When he says you rake up filth is he refering to something he's done Op? He sounds like a man who very much wants his own way

Yes, he’s referring to me mentioning things he has done. So I’m in this bind, where if I say I’m upset about X, he’ll say “but I don’t do X” but if I give examples, I’m raking up the past. His most common response when I’m upset eg if he has snapped at me, is to say “I did not snap’. Lots of things have gone wrong over the years, and if I use those as evidence, to back up what I’m saying, he gets angry and says I don’t let things go like normal people, most people in the world just get on with life and there’s something wrong with me because I don’t. But also- I’m not putting up with this anymore, so it doesn’t matter what he says didn’t happen or what I shouldn’t speak about.

Okay, so while you're waiting for your solicitor, I would get my thinking get on.
You say you're the higher earner, are you also the main carer of the children? Do you split?
Would he go for 50/50?
What would the kids want?
Are you hoping to keep the house?
How are your finances, are they seperate?
I think I would start by printing copies any joint accounts you currently have, including savings.
Make sure you have a bank account in just your name.
Get together a grab bag, just in case- change of clothes, charger, toiletries, passport, everything you would need in an emergency if he flips.
Does he actually threaten the DC too? Do you need to do them a grab bag?

This is a great list, I’m shattered this evening and going to bed but I’ll get this organised tomorrow. I have a bank account just in my name. I have educated guesstimates of his finances. We have a joint account for bills.

I’ll organise grab bags. I’ve never felt physically threatened but am emotionally uncomfortable if that makes sense.

in my view the childcare is currently about 60/40 to me, and there are many weeks when I do more like 70-80% of it, and also times when I’ve been away with work, he looks after the children but the house is a state and I feel punished by how messy it is if that makes sense. I carry 100% of the mental load for the children, household, pets etc. he will do things if asked, frequently forgets, gets angry with me for reminding and also irritable when I don’t remind him.

Most people don't forget everything their partners have done wrong Op, not when bad things happen over and over. Legal advice and putting you and your DC first should be top of your list now

Thank you,@Daleksatemyshed it is my priority. As he was saying it, I just knew it wasn’t true, but I also appreciate the reality check. I’m just waiting out the weekend and then have that appointment on Monday.

I spoke to the solicitor for a few minutes today. I have a good impression of her and think I can work with her, but no actual advice / action today, she just said “we can help with all that” but I didn’t get the letter I had hoped for along the lines that @Secondstart1001 had suggested, I have to fill a big background info form in first, and had to book another appointment instructing her, which I had hoped I could just do today, so feel a bit disappointed not to get the ball rolling.

Today was mostly a call with the customer care team, they took all my details (again), I explained what I was hoping for again, they did compliance checks, then they confirmed they can act for me, put me through to the solicitor on the phone briefly, she outlined their fees and I have got another appointment for next Monday to discuss strategies.

My H is being difficult. Speaking rudely or not at all to me, telling me he still loves me, won’t have a conversation about moving out, won’t move out of our bedroom, is acting as if everything is just fine, blames me when I ask him why he doesn’t speak back eg I asked if he would fill in the divorce forms jointly as he has for the past two years said if the marriage didn’t work out, he would “give me” an amicable divorce, but now he won’t even have a conversation about it. When I ask him why he will not speak to me, he says it’s my fault as I am apparently “too angry” to listen. I’m upset that he won’t engage in a conversation at all, apart from to make financial threats.

Fuck this is so draining, and I’m not even off the starting block. I keep crying, can’t concentrate properly, it’s hard to sleep. Such a headfuck, surely if he loved me, he’d see it hasn’t worked and we could have a conversation?

Anyway, I’m resigned to another week of limbo until my appointment next Monday.

@QuirkyRaven I am sorry if my advice gave you false hope. The process of divorce does take a while abc I think you need to be prepared that you will have to live with him while it’s underway.
Do you have a spare room you can move into? Seems like since your last post that things moved on and you told him you wanted a divorce.
Whether he loves you or not, don’t give this any further thought as you are done with the marriage. Think of ways you can live separately under the same roof.
How old are your dc? Because you can start taking turns with weekends so then maybe you can go stay with family ect and get away.