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Original poster

How long before I meet my partners kids?

57 replies

BePinkSloth · 13/09/2024 08:42

My partner (M, divorced) and I have been seeing each other for 6 months. He has two kids aged 5 - 8 who I have not yet met (but they are aware of my existence). We are very much in love and he is about to move in to my home and is ready to introduce the kids to me, slowly over the next 8 weeks, with a view to them coming to spend their few nights a week that they have with him, in my (our) home. Both of us would be there, which I realize needs a slowish introduction for the kids. But his ex-wife is demanding we should have lived with one another for 6 months before the kids meet me and is refusing to allow the children to stay. The options are that either they can't see him, or I have to live in a hotel 2 nights a week (week nights and I work during the week) for the next 6 months. I have no idea what to do! I don't want to stand in the way of him seeing his children, but it's also completely impractical (and expensive) for me to stay elsewhere for that long. Is his ex being unreasonable about this? What can we do to reassure her? She is pretty bitter about their break up and what she sees as my role in it, so I'm worried she's never going to accept my role in her children's lives (as someone who supports my guy to be the best Dad he can be). Help!

OP posts:
Girlmom35 · 13/09/2024 08:55

I think the 6 months of living together before meething the children is absolutely ridiculous. She can't possibly expect you to stay at a hotel so his children can come over.

On the other hand, being with this man for merely 6 months and moving in together is absurd. Having his children living with both of you, in your home, is a terrible idea at this point. The children would have to spend nights with a complete stranger.

The right way to do these things without upsetting the children is

  • the children living/spending nights with their dad, in their home. Where you don't live.
  • You meeting the children during fun activities, limited in time. And going home at the end of the activity, not spending the night with their father
  • Increasing your visits step by step over the course of months. Eventually a sleepover now and then, but not every night they spend with their father. They need time with him without you around
  • At some point, but I'd say at least a year after meeting the children, a conversation with them about all of you living together in one place. The children being allowed to voice their opinions and concerns.
  • Then and only then should you be moving in with him and the children.

Maybe if you were doing things this way, the ex wouldn't feel the need to protest as much.

Mumlaplomb · 13/09/2024 08:55

Hi, absolutely you should not have to go to a hotel, it’s your home.
If your partner has parental responsibility (is on the birth certificate) then his ex cannot stop him having contact at your home with you present.

Floofydawg · 13/09/2024 08:59

Why is he moving in so soon? 6 months is no time at all.

Chasingsquirrels · 13/09/2024 09:02

Girlmom35 · 13/09/2024 08:55

I think the 6 months of living together before meething the children is absolutely ridiculous. She can't possibly expect you to stay at a hotel so his children can come over.

On the other hand, being with this man for merely 6 months and moving in together is absurd. Having his children living with both of you, in your home, is a terrible idea at this point. The children would have to spend nights with a complete stranger.

The right way to do these things without upsetting the children is

  • the children living/spending nights with their dad, in their home. Where you don't live.
  • You meeting the children during fun activities, limited in time. And going home at the end of the activity, not spending the night with their father
  • Increasing your visits step by step over the course of months. Eventually a sleepover now and then, but not every night they spend with their father. They need time with him without you around
  • At some point, but I'd say at least a year after meeting the children, a conversation with them about all of you living together in one place. The children being allowed to voice their opinions and concerns.
  • Then and only then should you be moving in with him and the children.

Maybe if you were doing things this way, the ex wouldn't feel the need to protest as much.

Nailed it.

Why moving in together after 6m, what is his current housing situation?

buttonsB4 · 13/09/2024 09:04

You gave two small children in the middle of this, please don't rush things.

6 months is no time at all, especially if you haven't been seeing him during his parenting time (which is presumably 50% because you say he's a good dad).

So in reality you've known him nearer 3 months of face-to-face contact.

Wait a year or more before moving him in.

PassMeTheCookies · 13/09/2024 09:25

Girlmom35 · 13/09/2024 08:55

I think the 6 months of living together before meething the children is absolutely ridiculous. She can't possibly expect you to stay at a hotel so his children can come over.

On the other hand, being with this man for merely 6 months and moving in together is absurd. Having his children living with both of you, in your home, is a terrible idea at this point. The children would have to spend nights with a complete stranger.

The right way to do these things without upsetting the children is

  • the children living/spending nights with their dad, in their home. Where you don't live.
  • You meeting the children during fun activities, limited in time. And going home at the end of the activity, not spending the night with their father
  • Increasing your visits step by step over the course of months. Eventually a sleepover now and then, but not every night they spend with their father. They need time with him without you around
  • At some point, but I'd say at least a year after meeting the children, a conversation with them about all of you living together in one place. The children being allowed to voice their opinions and concerns.
  • Then and only then should you be moving in with him and the children.

Maybe if you were doing things this way, the ex wouldn't feel the need to protest as much.

This poster has it spot on.

Moving in after six months is ridiculous, and to be honest, I'd be questioning the decision-making abilities of a man who is willing to put his children into such an awkward position so soon into a relationship.

I also partially agree with the ex. You have no idea whether the relationship will succeed once you move in. You barely know each other after six months. To then bring children into a home that they may lose within months if it doesn't work out is highly confusing.

Absolutely bonkers that people can't think about the impact life changing decisions like this have on such young lives.

Ames74 · 13/09/2024 09:27

Girlmom35 · 13/09/2024 08:55

I think the 6 months of living together before meething the children is absolutely ridiculous. She can't possibly expect you to stay at a hotel so his children can come over.

On the other hand, being with this man for merely 6 months and moving in together is absurd. Having his children living with both of you, in your home, is a terrible idea at this point. The children would have to spend nights with a complete stranger.

The right way to do these things without upsetting the children is

  • the children living/spending nights with their dad, in their home. Where you don't live.
  • You meeting the children during fun activities, limited in time. And going home at the end of the activity, not spending the night with their father
  • Increasing your visits step by step over the course of months. Eventually a sleepover now and then, but not every night they spend with their father. They need time with him without you around
  • At some point, but I'd say at least a year after meeting the children, a conversation with them about all of you living together in one place. The children being allowed to voice their opinions and concerns.
  • Then and only then should you be moving in with him and the children.

Maybe if you were doing things this way, the ex wouldn't feel the need to protest as much.

Completely agree with this.

Stepusername · 13/09/2024 09:41

I'm a stepmum. The kids need to get to know you before they start living with you. Does your partner really need to move in now?
If you are confident in the relationship I think it's fine to start getting to know the kids but if at all possible your partner shouldn't be moving in yet. Do not leave your own home to stay in a hotel - that's crazy!

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 13/09/2024 11:33

I wouldn't be introducing my daughter to anyone I hadn't known for at least a year. And I wouldn't be moving in with a partner for at least a year after that (if all was going well between partner and daughter)

Why is this man so keen to move in with you so quickly. More to the point, why are you so keen to let him?

Christl78 · 13/09/2024 11:37

First of all 6 months is too early for moving in.

Second, I would wait for at least 12 months before introducing a new partner to my kids, let alone when they are so young. I feel his ex is right.

Wait a little bit. What’s the rush? You are still in the honeymoon period after all and a few months down the line you might find you are not compatible.

Ponderingwindow · 13/09/2024 11:45

A parent shouldn’t be moving in at 6 months. His children need to get to know you extremely well before he even considers moving in.

You are jumping to sharing a home. All you should be doing is having an afternoon in the park so you can meet his kids. Maybe in another year you think about cohabitation

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 13/09/2024 11:49

Why on earth is he moving in with you after six months? That's madness. His priority should be his kids, he needs to have his own home that is his kids' home too.

Do you own your home?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2024 11:50

Yet another man who needs a place to live and a skivvy/nanny to care for his kids is my guess.

Is he actually divorced or just separated?

She is pretty bitter about their break up and what she sees as my role in it

What does this mean?You've only been with him for six months, yet you had a role in the breakdown of his marriage?

YellowRoom · 13/09/2024 11:50

Despite your support in making DP the best dad he can be, he has looked at his list of priorities and put his children at the bottom of the list. Appreciate you're in love but moving him and then his children in after 8 months is completely insane - no wonder the children's mum is concerned. Are you younger than him?

Doggymummar · 13/09/2024 11:54

I would say two years, and then think about moving in together, do you have room? Three bedrooms as a single person. I would be looking to buy together at the two year mark. Having built up the relationship with the children over at least a year. It's far too soon now.n

DoublePeonies · 13/09/2024 11:55

The first response is the only one you need to read.

UghFletcher · 13/09/2024 11:55

Your partners ex is clearly the only one thinking of the children in all of this. Why is he so keen to move him and his kids in after 6months? Does he have his own place at the moment? What's happening to that?

6m is no time at all to actually know someone, both my partner and I have a DS each and we didn't even introduce each other till the year mark, it took us another 2 years after that to agree to the best route forward of moving in together. The children need stability - that's not going to happen if they are kicked out when things go tits up.

Take another 6m at least to get to know each other, have fun days out with the kids so they actually get to know you but go home after so they have the time with their dad and see how things go.

harriethoyle · 13/09/2024 11:59

You nailed it with the first reply @Girlmom35 - meeting after 6 months? No issue. Moving in together? Ludicrous.

TwistedWonder · 13/09/2024 12:01

So yet another father with young kids moving in with a woman who has her own home after about 5 minutes.

They do say no one falls in love as quick as a man who needs a roof over his head.

Throw in the cliché of the bitter and twisted ex and it’s a full house on MN cocklodger bingo

Mensuckbigtime · 13/09/2024 18:20

Agree with what everyone else has said

But also... for yourself OP..
Moving in with a man you barely know, uprooting yourself and he has two children who will have to get used to you and you well have to get used to too.

It's madness!
The order in which you're doing it is completely wrong. Move in with the guy and see if it works, if it does, get to know his children on neutral ground, then at your house and so forth.

It's like buying a dog for Xmas because it's so cute and then realising it doesn't work...

If you and your partner like to rush things, go ahead, but there are children involved.

Please reconsider for everyone's sake

Mensuckbigtime · 13/09/2024 18:21

Living with children can.be very tough especially if they are not your own!

DoTheDinosaurStomp · 13/09/2024 18:50

6 months is far too soon to be moving on with someone, let alone to be meeting young children.

"She is pretty bitter about their break up and what she sees as my role in it".

What role did you play in their breakup?

sunflowersngunpowdr · 13/09/2024 19:55

They aren't your children. You aren't married to their dad. You have zero role to play in their lives other than dad's girlfriend. They should not be spending the little bit of time they have with their father with you around all the time. That time is for them to maintain a relationship with their father. Once they have a stable relationship with him then you can be introduced and once they are comfortable then you move in together. Why are you in such a rush to infiltrate the lives of these kids? Why does his ex think you played a part in their break up? Why would you want to be with a man who isn't capable of making good decisions on behalf of his very young children?

Simonjt · 13/09/2024 20:00

Even I think thats too fast and we moved in together after just over a year.

Contact is about him parenting his children, for the children thats such an important and vital time, it needs to be in a safe familiar environment. In a new property with a strange adult is not a safe or familiar environment for a child. He needs to go back on moving in with you until the children have a well established relationship with you, or he maintains his property and lives in that during his contacts days.

randommum82 · 13/09/2024 20:01

I'm biased as the sister of someone whose husband walked out on her 6 months ago and left two kids of similar age behind, moved in with OW and has overruled my sister basically begging him to give the children more time to adjust before meeting her, and the poor kids are really not doing well with it - no you should not be meeting the children this soon. It's only been six months. The children have already had the unheaval of divorce in their young lives, they don't need more by meeting someone who may or may not stick around. In this situation, all parties need to think of what's best for the children, and if that means waiting another six months, so be it.

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