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Original poster

How long before I meet my partners kids?

57 replies

BePinkSloth · 13/09/2024 08:42

My partner (M, divorced) and I have been seeing each other for 6 months. He has two kids aged 5 - 8 who I have not yet met (but they are aware of my existence). We are very much in love and he is about to move in to my home and is ready to introduce the kids to me, slowly over the next 8 weeks, with a view to them coming to spend their few nights a week that they have with him, in my (our) home. Both of us would be there, which I realize needs a slowish introduction for the kids. But his ex-wife is demanding we should have lived with one another for 6 months before the kids meet me and is refusing to allow the children to stay. The options are that either they can't see him, or I have to live in a hotel 2 nights a week (week nights and I work during the week) for the next 6 months. I have no idea what to do! I don't want to stand in the way of him seeing his children, but it's also completely impractical (and expensive) for me to stay elsewhere for that long. Is his ex being unreasonable about this? What can we do to reassure her? She is pretty bitter about their break up and what she sees as my role in it, so I'm worried she's never going to accept my role in her children's lives (as someone who supports my guy to be the best Dad he can be). Help!

OP posts:
Beautifulweeds · 13/09/2024 20:02

When you have children, as a responsible parent, you don't tend to move in with a new partner after 6 months. Ideally, one would introduce slowly at parks, get to know each other, not be thrown into a new home where Daddy has a new woman!

Maybe I'm old fashioned bit this doesn't sit right with me. Keep your living arrangements as they are, what's the rush? When in the throes of a new relationship it's all so wonderful of course. Take some time or it could get very complicated and messy. X

StormingNorman · 13/09/2024 20:03

Absurd to even contemplate living with people you’ve never met. Slow the relationship down.

WhamBamThankU · 13/09/2024 20:03

Terrible idea made while you're still very much in the honeymoon stage

Icanttakethisanymore · 13/09/2024 20:04

She is pretty bitter about their break up and what she sees as my role in it

What was your role in it?

CheekyHobson · 13/09/2024 20:08

Oh good, another self-absorbed woman who helps break up a marriage and then wants to rush the children into playing happy blended families within minutes of their parents separating.

Next post will be defending how unhappy her poor honey was and what an abusive bitch the ex-wife was, and complaining that “step mums” are automatically hated.

Neveragain35 · 13/09/2024 20:14

Girlmom35 · 13/09/2024 08:55

I think the 6 months of living together before meething the children is absolutely ridiculous. She can't possibly expect you to stay at a hotel so his children can come over.

On the other hand, being with this man for merely 6 months and moving in together is absurd. Having his children living with both of you, in your home, is a terrible idea at this point. The children would have to spend nights with a complete stranger.

The right way to do these things without upsetting the children is

  • the children living/spending nights with their dad, in their home. Where you don't live.
  • You meeting the children during fun activities, limited in time. And going home at the end of the activity, not spending the night with their father
  • Increasing your visits step by step over the course of months. Eventually a sleepover now and then, but not every night they spend with their father. They need time with him without you around
  • At some point, but I'd say at least a year after meeting the children, a conversation with them about all of you living together in one place. The children being allowed to voice their opinions and concerns.
  • Then and only then should you be moving in with him and the children.

Maybe if you were doing things this way, the ex wouldn't feel the need to protest as much.

THIS!!! Absolutely.

It is madness to move on with a man before you’ve met his kids. What kind of father is he? What if his kids absolutely hate you and aren’t ready? These are massive deal breakers.

We first met each other’s DC after about 8-10 months, very slowly on fun days out. We didn’t move in together until we’d been together for over 4 years.

If you really are as in love as you say, you can wait.

LittleSeasideCottage · 13/09/2024 20:20

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a newly divorced father in possession of no fortune and no childcare must be in want of a girlfriend with a house.

stanleypops66 · 13/09/2024 20:22

6 months isn't necessarily too soon to move in with someone. I did with my now husband of 16 years. But we didn't have kids, so whilst risky we only had our relationship to lose if it all went tits up.

6 months is too soon if someone has kids and that's going to also be the kids 'home'. Imo you need to wait at least another 6 months and see how it goes then meet the kids slowly before he moves in. What if the kids just don't like/ gel with you and vice versa. It's far far too risky and any man who'd risk his relationship, and wellbeing of his kids is either stupid or a twat.

redtrain123 · 13/09/2024 20:23

Lots of issues.

  1. meeting children after six months is fine, but on neutral territory. Days out to zoo, meal on McDonald’s, etc

  2. moving in after six months - my initial thoughts too soon. What’s his housing situation now? Who initiated the move? Have you sorted out money? bills etc and how much he’s going to pay (does he work?)

  3. kids staying at yours. - no, not until they know and feel comfortable with you.

Whos pushing the moving in? I’m guessing g him.

redtrain123 · 13/09/2024 20:24

LittleSeasideCottage · 13/09/2024 20:20

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a newly divorced father in possession of no fortune and no childcare must be in want of a girlfriend with a house.

Yep

CheekyHobson · 13/09/2024 20:26

My boyfriend of eight months and I are also very much in love. He had zero involvement in my breakup and I was single for over a year before starting to date him. My tween kids have not met him and don’t know about him.

I'll likely tell them about him a little before the one-year mark and have a first, casual introduction after the one-year mark. Over the next year they can all get to know each other; sleepovers at mine could start occasionally after a few months, all going well.

Under no circumstances would I consider us moving in together within the first two years, and tbh it will likely be three years or more.

What is the tearing great rush to start playing happy families with children you have not even met?

gamerchick · 13/09/2024 20:28

It's far to early to be moving him in OP. I really hope you don't have kids yourself.

Why can't he stay where he is for now? Check it's not a case of no man falls in love faster than one needing somewhere to live

JustDeserts · 13/09/2024 20:28

Read the threads in Step-parenting.

FuzzyDiva · 13/09/2024 20:29

From her point of view, you were instrumental in the breakup of her marriage. You’ve been dating for six months but not seeing him during his presumably 50/50 custody because, as a PP said, that’s what a good dad has, so at best you’ve dated for three months. She knows him well and is sensible enough to realise he needs somewhere to live, someone to cook and clean for him, and someone to do his 50% of childcare. And now he’s planning on moving in and introducing you to her children in one hit, with no gradual meet ups to put the children’s wellbeing as the priority. I wonder why she isn’t keen.

TwistedWonder · 13/09/2024 20:45

Without kids involved I’d say go for it but make sure he’s paying his way and has no claim on your property.

With young kids involved I’d say it’s absolutely insane and he should be prioritising spending his limited time with his kids being the best dad rather than playing happy families on the home of what to then is a random stranger.

And definitely if his ex sees you as partially involved in their break up, I don’t blame her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/09/2024 20:54

You don’t know if you’ll like them. You don’t know what he’s like as a dad until you see it in person. They may not like you.

Plenty of wise posts above but I’m just pointing out that you’re not even considering yourself properly in this. Dating a parent can be complicated, even if there’s no stress or drama and everyone’s lovely. I was very smitten by my now DH but if I hadn’t taken to his kids or the way he was/is with them I wouldn’t have carried on.

Take a giant step back. Where’s he living now? With his parents?

MrsDoylesLipstick · 13/09/2024 20:56

Ooh, I've read a similar post recently.

The cocklodger new partner is considerably older and everyone told the op not to move him in so soon.

Nanny with a fanny was mentioned.

TheShellBeach · 13/09/2024 21:03

What role did you play in the break up of this man's marriage?

Deargodletitgo · 13/09/2024 21:10

We both have children and met each others children around 6 months, but even at 2.5 years we recognise that it's too soon to move into together to play blended families.

Also I wasn't in any part related to my partners marriage ending, but his ex is still bitter, so you have a harder road there

DeCaray · 13/09/2024 21:15

Jesus wept! You've been dating for only six months and he's moving in and planing to introduce his two young children over the coming weeks!

That's just awful and so incredibly stupid and selfish.

Starseeking · 13/09/2024 21:23

TwistedWonder · 13/09/2024 12:01

So yet another father with young kids moving in with a woman who has her own home after about 5 minutes.

They do say no one falls in love as quick as a man who needs a roof over his head.

Throw in the cliché of the bitter and twisted ex and it’s a full house on MN cocklodger bingo

You saved me having to type this.

Absolutely this.

Baldyheed · 13/09/2024 21:36

This reply has been deleted

This was the work of a previously banned poster.

sweetpeaorchestra · 13/09/2024 21:39

Yes sorry OP I think you’re being a bit naive in this situation. It’s an absolute rupture for kids this age to lose a family unit they’re used to, so the priority has to be them continuing a stable relationship with their father and getting used to the separation.
I think if seeing him means you are thrown into the mix this early, your long term relationship with all of them will suffer.

Bananalanacake · 13/09/2024 21:39

He wants a live in nanny and housekeeper. How would he react if you told him you want to enjoy a relationship for a good few years before any talk of living together.

TheShellBeach · 13/09/2024 21:42

I have a feeling the OP and the bloke have been seeing each other for longer than six months.

If she had a role in the break up of the marriage, it sounds like she was the OW.

If that was the case, that's another reason for the children's mother not to want them to stay overnight with her.

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