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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need serious advice

27 replies

Justme2088 · 13/09/2024 05:39

Hi guys, after much soul searching and thinking I think I know I need to leave my 36 year old boyfriend of 3 years, I moved in with him 2 years ago, left my city and moved jobs. a year ago I found out he had been watching porn while I’m at work and dressing up in latex, (I knew about the fetish when we got together, I didn’t mind it but he then chose to do stuff behind my back with it and start hiding it) now this shouldn’t bother me but he doesn’t touch me, we go 4-5 weeks without any intamcy, he doesn’t instigate anything, then he waits until I’m at work to pleasure himself, it’s been happening now the past year and it’s getting worse, he hides the latex clothes and thinks I can’t tell when his been in them and done what his done. I had him again about it 2 weeks ago as I tried for sex on the Sunday night and he wasn’t interested, I come home from work Monday and his done it himself again, I messaged him on the Monday evening said I’m leaving because of the lies and no affection/intamcy as I know his choosing to pleasure himself and it’s made me hate the latex, he said he would get rid of it all as the relationship with me means more to him. I have checked the bin outside and he has gotten rid of his old stuff kept under the bed he doesn’t use, the new stuff that was hidden in his wardrobe is nowhere to be seen so his clearly hidden it somewhere else, this again is another lie as his just hidden it somewhere else and chucked the old stuff to make me think his done it. I do all the cooking and cleaning and I feel now that I’m only here to help pay bills and clean up after him. I’ve never felt so worthless, unattractive, used! I’m 36 and I just can’t keep going through all this stress, it’s affecting me at work now especially when I know his at home. I shouldn’t be snooping but it’s the only way I find out the truth. When I do question him about stuff he either tried to make it a joke or he goes super defensive and starts talking to me like crap and shouting. In my heart I know I need to leave, my head is already made up, he now repulses me and makes me feel sick. Am I over reacting? Just to add he has lied about other stuff a girl he used to sleep with who he still messages as there “friends” I’ve seen messages and it is friendly talk but she was messaging him reminiscing about old times a year into the relationship. Please please need advice

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2024 05:42

You know what you need to do.

GildedRage · 13/09/2024 05:45

i’m not sure why you’re overthinking this.
The relationship is dead.

Original poster

Justme2088 · 13/09/2024 05:50

GildedRage · 13/09/2024 05:45

i’m not sure why you’re overthinking this.
The relationship is dead.

I know and I guess I just wanted clarification that it’s not me over thinking and over reacting.

OP posts:

Original poster

Justme2088 · 13/09/2024 05:51

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2024 05:42

You know what you need to do.

Yup guess I do reading it back to myself. I thought he was the 1, he was so different the first year and now it’s gotten to this point. I feel so lonely

OP posts:

EVHead · 13/09/2024 06:01

Your heart and your head are telling you what to do. Trust yourself.

Original poster

Justme2088 · 13/09/2024 06:11

EVHead · 13/09/2024 06:01

Your heart and your head are telling you what to do. Trust yourself.

Guess I was wondering if this would be acceptable to anyone else 😞

OP posts:

MayFairSquare · 13/09/2024 06:14

You thought he was the one, but he isn't. You do need to leave, there's no doubt about it.

You will be fine. You are 36, no age at all. You have lost three years, it's not much in the grand scheme of things.

Original poster

Justme2088 · 13/09/2024 06:26

MayFairSquare · 13/09/2024 06:14

You thought he was the one, but he isn't. You do need to leave, there's no doubt about it.

You will be fine. You are 36, no age at all. You have lost three years, it's not much in the grand scheme of things.

Do I have him today about the fact his chucked the old stuff and see his reaction or do I just tell him I’m leaving

OP posts:

Bestyearever2024 · 13/09/2024 06:32

Justme2088 · 13/09/2024 06:26

Do I have him today about the fact his chucked the old stuff and see his reaction or do I just tell him I’m leaving

Show quote history

Oh good lord, no. What's the point in talking?

The man is a waste of space.🤮🤢🤯

Respect yourself. Get out now. Have nothing more to do with him

PancakesForElephants · 13/09/2024 06:37

Please don't overthink this. You are worth so much more. Even outside the fetish stuff, he lies, shouts at you, doesn't want to have sex with you, lets you do all the cooking and cleaning. He does not respect you and is punishing you for his own unhappiness. It won't change. Doesn't sound like there's any joy in your relationship.

Take your self respect and use it to help you exit. You will be ok, treat yourself well!

Luddite26 · 13/09/2024 06:41

Don't waste any more of your precious life on him move out move on.x

MayFairSquare · 13/09/2024 07:49

Do I have him today about the fact his chucked the old stuff and see his reaction or do I just tell him I’m leaving

There's no point in seeing his reaction about anything.

He's talking to you like crap.
He's contacting other people from previous relationships.
He's hiding a part of himself away from you.
He's not giving you affection or intimacy.

There is nothing more to say. He isn't going to become a different person.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 13/09/2024 07:52

Just find yourself somewhere else to live, then pack and go.
don't bother telling him anything you know/find, he doesn't care and he won't change.

TheSandgroper · 13/09/2024 08:00

He can find out when you are gone just as well.

He has no interest in you whatsoever so he isn’t going to care except he will miss the fabulous thrill of the turn on of going behind your back.

Do not tell him anything about your plans. Just get on with them.

Dery · 13/09/2024 08:01

@Justme2088 - just leave. This relationship is miserable for you. A long term relationship is supposed to bring you joy, security and contentment. It would actually be a mistake to have a discussion with him because that just gives him the chance to talk you round. But you need out. Do you have a family member or friend who could come and be with you while you pack up your stuff?

Original poster

Justme2088 · 13/09/2024 08:06

MayFairSquare · 13/09/2024 07:49

Do I have him today about the fact his chucked the old stuff and see his reaction or do I just tell him I’m leaving

There's no point in seeing his reaction about anything.

He's talking to you like crap.
He's contacting other people from previous relationships.
He's hiding a part of himself away from you.
He's not giving you affection or intimacy.

There is nothing more to say. He isn't going to become a different person.

He told me from the start about his fetish and that his ex didn’t know about it and he had to hide it so I was happy he opened up to me, but then he decided this past year to start being secretive with it, choosing to watch porn dress up and masturbate even after the night before I’ve made it clear I wanted intimacy, the latex his brought has gotten worse. I am leaving him, I can move back to my moms and transfer from my work to my original site I was at before moving. It’s making me so ill and I don’t feel good enough for anyone now

OP posts:

Luddite26 · 13/09/2024 08:33

Please remember that's his way (problem) not yours. Leave it behind when you go and value yourself and take care of yourself. It is not you. You can have a loving relationship whenever you want he obviously can't.
Good luck. But don't hesitate he's draining you.x

HowYouSpellingThat10 · 13/09/2024 08:34

Justme2088 · 13/09/2024 06:11

Guess I was wondering if this would be acceptable to anyone else 😞

Show quote history

It doesn't matter if it's acceptable to anyone else, it isn't working for you.

This is an important time of your life. Don't get stuck in something that isn't right or waste these years trying to make it right.

When it's got to the stage you are checking the bin, it's done.

What does he do in the day that he can get all this stuff on. It would make an interesting Teams call

DeCaray · 13/09/2024 08:40

You were with him him for only a year before moving in and changing your whole life to be with him! A year is not long enough to know someone inside and out as you've now found.

You've then spent two years with him and discovered his true self which is unsavoury to put it mildly.

Altogether you've lost three years of your life but you can put a stop to it now before three years turns into five, ten years etc where your self worth will sink even lower.

Get away from him as soon as you can and start making practical arrangements today.

He's a revolting creep.

theboywantstogoupthefield · 13/09/2024 08:42

You would be mad to stay

Original poster

Justme2088 · 13/09/2024 08:49

HowYouSpellingThat10 · 13/09/2024 08:34

It doesn't matter if it's acceptable to anyone else, it isn't working for you.

This is an important time of your life. Don't get stuck in something that isn't right or waste these years trying to make it right.

When it's got to the stage you are checking the bin, it's done.

What does he do in the day that he can get all this stuff on. It would make an interesting Teams call

Show quote history

He works for a rail so works different shift patterns, earlies, nights, afternoons so he has the opportunity as I work Monday to Friday. I hate that I’m doing all these checks it’s honestly blowing my brain

OP posts:

Bestyearever2024 · 13/09/2024 09:23

I am leaving him, I can move back to my moms and transfer from my work to my original site I was at before moving. It’s making me so ill and I don’t feel good enough for anyone now

Well done. 👍

Naunet · 13/09/2024 09:25

I have an ex with a latex fetish, and if it helps, I can reassure you, his lack of desire for sex with you, is nothing to do with you, it’s all about him. It’s a fetish in the true sense of the word, all consuming, selfish and the only thing that really turns him on. My self confidence was also destroyed being with a man like that so I’d urge you to leave. I even dressed up for him to try and get him to engage more with me, but would just end up feeling used and like I could have been anyone. It also became every time we had sex or he couldn’t orgasm. It’s boring if nothing else!

Whatisyourfavouriteflower · 13/09/2024 09:33

I agree with pp.
This isn't personal about you. It's about his fetish being the over riding thing in his life.
You won't change him. He is not the man you want him to be.
Much better to leave and make a new life for yourself. You will be much happier.

middleagedandinarage · 13/09/2024 09:43

Absolutely not acceptable OP, you know this yourself. Get out and don't waste any more of your life on this man. Does he not work or how is he doing all this while you're at work?

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