Dating a man with children - advice please?

[ggpowell2]

So I have started seeing someone who has 2 children (M6 and F3), it's very new (11 days) but we have seen each other a lot (3 evenings last week, all of Sunday, stayed over Mon night and spent all of Tues working at his as we both WFH) and for the first couple of days talking I didn't even know he had children, if he had told me immediately I may have backed off but by the time it came up I already recognised how much potential we have so it made it hard to stop and then we've gotten into this exciting bubble which I think popped for me when I was home alone yesterday and really thinking about it, also he doesn't have very much access right now (once every 2 weeks for a few hours) as he is fighting for 50/50 custody legally right now, so...
I understand what children need and I don't think I would have any problem being a positive adult in their life, I am pretty certain I would also be able to love and care for them as if they were my own (not that he has asked this but if I am considering long term this is part of the package), even with the messiness with his ex over custody etc. I don't mind the logistics and practicalities, my issue however is, if I continue seeing him, grieving the fact I won't have the life I envisaged, i.e. meeting someone and having the freedom and fun you get to have just you 2 (hopefully the custody thing is sorted soon and he will have half his time taken up), taking holidays, living together without children etc...and most importanly the fact if I ever had a child with him it would not be special to him (I don't even think he wants any more, he says he has had to accept dating may mean someone else wants that but he never wanted a 'second family' as it hurt him when his dad did this and he got treated differently, which is fair but I would want my partner to want it and be as excited as I would - and also not to have been there and done it so all the things I get excited over are boring to them, or they could be dismissive...), also, the idea I would never be his number 1, not even for a short period, at best I would only ever get third place, I know if I have children I would have always fallen lower in my partner's priorities for our children but I pictured at least being that for a bit, and feeling loved that much (which having come from the family I did I have been looking for that kind of love a long time...)
Does anyone who's tackled the same have any advice, how did you decide if it was or wasn't for you? Did you make that sacrifice and was it worth it?
All advice appreciated, thank you :)

My only advice is walk away now. You have gone way too fast into this.

I made this mistake. Don’t do it.

The fact he only sees the kids for a couple of hours every couple of weeks is a huge red flag too. You would have to question why.

), 'it's very new (11 days) but we have seen each other a lot (3 evenings last week, all of Sunday, stayed over Mon night and spent all of Tues working at his as we both WFH) '

That doesn't bode well at all and you'll find yourself dumped pretty quick as he gets bored or he'll keep you on as potential care foe the kids when they stay with him.

Please consider the ages of the children they are only six and three and it's awful for either parent to start having new partners when the children are so young.

It's going to be a horrible mess if it lasts between you and him which I'm 99% sure it won't as relationships that rush in like this with too much too soon usually fail.

Also, after 11 days you don't even know him.

I'd back out now.

Walk away now and chalk it up to experience.

Did I read that right?

You've known him for 11 days and you've practically moved in with him already?
😂

Most of the women on here will be suspicious of a man who hardly sees his children yet says he’s fighting for 50:50. It could of course be entirely the fault of his evil ex but odds are there is a reason why he is an absent parent.

How on earth were you talking for two days before it came up he had children? 😆

I would run.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He’s love bombing you.
He’s not a good father if he only sees his children for a few hours every couple of weeks. There will be a reason for so little contact.
He’s bullshitting you about 50/50 to make him look good.

You are too young for this bullshit.

OP how old are you?

This all feels messy as hell. You're moving at a ridiculous lighting speed so I'm guessing you're very young.

Major major red flags already are the fact he's ' fighting ' for shared custody. Whomever is wrong here, it may very well be him, the mess you're coming into will be alot to deal with. The best you hope for in this situation is a pleasant relationship between him and the ex.

I say this as a birth mum whose child is cared for by father and step mum.

Yes. This. Please get a grip and slow down.

Why didn't he tell you he had children straight away? When you have kids they are (or should be) the most important thing in your life... I don't understand why he hid it. Also why would the lead up to a custody battle mean reduced access?
Just walk now, it's early days.

Ahhh, the classic dating the potential not the reality.

Run.

I think the fact he didn't mention the children at first is telling. And as others have said be wary of being lined up to be childcare for the kids when he gets 50/50 and why does he not have 50/50 already? It's always the same story evil ex blocking contact but that is so rarely true or if it is true she is doing it for a reason

How old are you, OP? And how old is he?

The start of your relationship sounds a bit like the way my relationship with DH started, very intense, very quickly. But, he told me about his dd from the moment we met and he was very present in her life. The fact he didn't tell you is a massive red flag IMO.

Dear god. It’s not been 2 weeks, what on Earth do you mean you’d have backed out if he’d told you earlier before you created this amazing bubble?

You sound completely mad. Are you prone to hyperbole and fantasy?

He’s lying about 50:50. No dad gets a few hours on a weekend in this day and age unless there’s a really good reason why. Either the dad isn’t willing to work flexibly to look after them after school/nursery (in which case there would be no mention of fighting for 50:50, just some self-serving bs about how he wished life was different), or the mum has blocked his access for bloody good reasons that have stood up in court.

Its been 11 days you only know his name lol.
You know nothing about the man yet get your head out the clouds.
Your talking about moving in holidays having kids custody 50/50 child care.
You know nothing about whats really going on in his life.
Hes not your partner hes not yet your boyfriend.
How old are you 15.
Good lord 11 days you're be talking about marriage next.

Don't do it. Relationships when there are children are full of compromise, dashed hopes, taking a back seat and the hovering black cloud of the ex. I say this having been in your situation and now being in a happy relationship with a child on both sides.

I call BS on the “fighting” for 50/50 custody….im sorry but if someone had taken my children away without any fault of my own and was only letting me see them once every couple of weeks I wouldn’t have time to date someone, let alone see them so frequently as you have been. Id be fighting tooth and nail day and night Erin Brockovich style, doing everything in my power to get them back.

He sounds lousy! Throw this one back. Stop dating peoples rose tinted potential, he is in all likelihood, just a bit shit.

11 days and you’re already fantasying about what a great step mum you may or may not be. I’ve had food in my fridge longer than that

Slow down ffs. This isn’t about you and this guy living in a shag fest bubble. There’s 2 very young children involved and of course that complicates matters.

And I can only concur with PP - any dad who only sees his kids for a few hours a fortnight is a red flag. It’s with him that’s the issue or he’s got a whole host of baggage with his ex - the former is far more likely. As for fighting for 50/50, well that should be his priority rather than trawling dating apps.

Personally I’d quit while you’re ahead with this one and find a bloke who either doesn’t have kids or who is upfront about them (and has shared custody)

Advice?
For F sake, don't ever do this.
👍

He want's 50/50 custody - brilliant 😂 course he does.

He's seen a complete stranger that he's only just met more in the last 11 days than he's seen his own kids.

"Fighting" for 50/50 custody for 2 kids he forgot to mention for days 🤪

Fuck me OP, wise up will you 🤣

You need to know why he is only seeing them for such a short amount of time. It could well be he is a victim and his ex is being difficult, but if that is the case, he would be focused on that and not seeing you everyday (no offence).

Its unlikely though, so he careful
if you choose not to run (which is what I would do, VERY fast)

Also either he has no photos of them up in his house or he took them down before you arrived at his house

Either way that's red flag central

Also I agree walk away - you don't need a world of pain and hassle x