Dating a man with children - advice please?

[ggpowell2]

So I have started seeing someone who has 2 children (M6 and F3), it's very new (11 days) but we have seen each other a lot (3 evenings last week, all of Sunday, stayed over Mon night and spent all of Tues working at his as we both WFH) and for the first couple of days talking I didn't even know he had children, if he had told me immediately I may have backed off but by the time it came up I already recognised how much potential we have so it made it hard to stop and then we've gotten into this exciting bubble which I think popped for me when I was home alone yesterday and really thinking about it, also he doesn't have very much access right now (once every 2 weeks for a few hours) as he is fighting for 50/50 custody legally right now, so...
I understand what children need and I don't think I would have any problem being a positive adult in their life, I am pretty certain I would also be able to love and care for them as if they were my own (not that he has asked this but if I am considering long term this is part of the package), even with the messiness with his ex over custody etc. I don't mind the logistics and practicalities, my issue however is, if I continue seeing him, grieving the fact I won't have the life I envisaged, i.e. meeting someone and having the freedom and fun you get to have just you 2 (hopefully the custody thing is sorted soon and he will have half his time taken up), taking holidays, living together without children etc...and most importanly the fact if I ever had a child with him it would not be special to him (I don't even think he wants any more, he says he has had to accept dating may mean someone else wants that but he never wanted a 'second family' as it hurt him when his dad did this and he got treated differently, which is fair but I would want my partner to want it and be as excited as I would - and also not to have been there and done it so all the things I get excited over are boring to them, or they could be dismissive...), also, the idea I would never be his number 1, not even for a short period, at best I would only ever get third place, I know if I have children I would have always fallen lower in my partner's priorities for our children but I pictured at least being that for a bit, and feeling loved that much (which having come from the family I did I have been looking for that kind of love a long time...)
Does anyone who's tackled the same have any advice, how did you decide if it was or wasn't for you? Did you make that sacrifice and was it worth it?
All advice appreciated, thank you :)

OP, you would want to be absolutely out of your mind to continue with this shit show.

You are being fed some line.

He is a walking red flag that sees nothing of his children.

I bet his Ex has some tale to tell about him.

You're thinking way ahead, he's only thinking about getting in your knickers, you are right to feel it's a red flag if you do want children. Him fighting for custody most probably in most cases it means he was awful to her/children. If he does get custody then it's very limited time at the weekend to see each other, make the most of being young and single and don't settle for him.

I'm a mum and I wouldn't date a man with children 😂😂

Think about this properly.. you've dated a guy for 11 days and you're talking about bringing up his kids that he isn't even allowed to see? He goes longer between visits with his kids than you relationship has even been going on

Me either! God no

Run away fast 🏃‍♀️

A decent man would be upfront about his kids. As PP have said the only seeing them every so often is a huge red flag in itself.

Reading what you wrote, I thought what a miserable life you'd have.

My advice is don't.

Well he’s a fucking liar, isn’t he?

The ‘my kids are my world’ but I can only see them a few hours a fortnight is bullshit. If he hasn’t got access he must be a fucking nightmare.

Run, the hills are this way —->

You don't make sacrifices after 11 days, you live your own life and plan dates and have fun, see your friends, go to work, plan your next trip away, pursue your hobby, reserve your energy and headspace for all the fabulous things life has to offer and see that this man, any man, is just a very small part of that.

You don't think about how you'll build your world around a stranger you met less than two weeks ago.

We've all had spots last longer than this.

I do understand.

If you're older, established, settled, and he shows through actions that he is respectful, responsible and a loving, committed and good dad, for some that would be very workable and a revealing insight into that man's character.

Most the time, this isn't happening

What signs are there in his home that he has children? Photos? Toys? Bedrooms? I would want to know why he didn’t see the children more and why he split with his ex. Also the dc are very young and that would be hard for them and you.

I think it’s unrealistic to think you would love the children as if they were your own. It’s a lovely sentiment but it might not happen and you can’t expect it.

You have jumped in with both feet after 11 days haven't you!! You do need to slow right down and think about this. He has two very young children and they will obviously be his priority. He's not keen on the idea of having more. These reasons alone suggest you're not compatible. If I were you I'd move on now before anyone is too invested and look to meet someone who isn't in the middle of a difficult custody battle. Way too much baggage!

My partner and I both have children and even so we have both had difficult moments when we haven’t been each others priorities due to putting the children first. It’s a lot of sacrifice and you are right to question this and everything you worry about is real. For this reason I would say it’s ok to be selfish. It’s your life. If I did not have children of my own I would not date a man who does. It is worrying he doesn’t have much access and wasn’t up front. I would chalk this one up to a bit of fun and get out before you are drawn into all the angst.

Once every 2 weeks for a few hours?

There's no way the mum is doing that to be difficult op. Raising kids is HARD so she's probably got a damn good reason why he can't see them more if she's blocking access. They don't even stay overnight with him.

I'd run!

Ever think men should come with a reference:D past three years of dating and explain any gaps.

Don't do it. You've only been dating for 11 days. Run and meet someone who is at a similar stage of life to you.

NO - so he’s wined and dined you and you’ve spent days in each others arms.
Lovely.
That’s not gonna happen if he gets 50/50 - you’re going to be babysitting his kids.
Too much too soon that’s not even real plus how come he’s not allowed to see his kids much?
Screams potentially abusive man to me - back off slowly but steadily and move away from this abyss

That little access either means he is not trustworthy enough or his ex is punishing him through the kids. Or both. If he gets more access he'll have a lot less time for you. If he doesn't than he'll be miserable. This guy might have potential but it doesn't sound like he is in the right space right now.

Oh God don’t get me started !!! Somebody else said ‘walk away’… WHAT SHE SAID A MILLION TIMES !

I’m nursing a broken heart as we speak. Did 8 years of this (for my sins ?!). Was disrespected and undervalued left, right and centre. Zero support where kids issues were concerned. Constant interference from his ex., nastiness constantly, stress and frustration.

I would have said you have no idea but you have raised valid points regarding some of the problems that will inevitably arise in this scenario. Just multiply that by 126 and you’ll have a more realistic idea of what’s coming your way.

Please don’t go there, stick to your guns and trust your instincts because they are spot on.

I married after having a gut feeling that it wasn't going to be the best situation. Almost exactly the same situation and feelings as you. I've been divorced 7 years years. I now have 3 wonderful children of my own with a man who had no children prior.