How does a narcissistic parent choose who’s the golden child?

[Happyfarm]

Is there any reason to who they decided to be the golden child? Is it the one who seeks the attention the most, or the child who the parents “believes” to have the better qualities? Or is it just random?

They choose based on whomever fulfills their ego and emotional needs. So the GC will in some way reflect positively on the NP, either because they can be controlled by the NP, provide them with status, or fulfil their need for admiration.

What happens if the scapegoat grows to also be a great person and do well? Will they still always see the other as better?

Likelihood is they will stay rigid in their thinking and continue to see the scapegoat as they always have, through their dysfunctional lens. They might use denial, be dismissive, try and undermine the success, try and fuel competition between siblings, turn to further emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and may even sometimes give them praise but it will of course be only when it benefits them and done in an effort to keep the scapegoat in line in some way, and it won’t be permanent. Basically they don’t deal with change well and this sort of change feels threatening to them. They’ll try and keep the status quo as much as possible.

In my case the golden child/scapegoat chopped and changed a few times over many decades.
It was always a surprise and unexplainable but one thing remained,
nothing was sincere.
Terrible way to grow up and then it continued as we became adults. Caused trauma and deep unhappiness.

It's not possible for a scapegoat to be a great person and do well, by definition.

Even if the scapegoat achieves great successes by everyone else's values, the narcissistic parent won't recognise them.

I think my brother is my mums golden child because I’m the eldest . She should honestly have remained child free , but i don’t think that was so acceptable in the 1970,s.

So true.

I think there is some suggestion that narcissistic parents choose a golden child of the opposite sex. Narcissistic mothers are certainly more likely to make their oldest daughter a scapegoat.

With my parents they valued beauty. They told my sister she was beautiful all of the time, and told me I was ugly.
My mum believed she looked exactly like my sister (she looked nothing like her), and I think that’s why she was picked, she thought she was looking in the mirror. She lives vicariously through her now and I’m NC.

Yes that is me and my younger brother. I am the scapegoat and now NC with my parents. Brother then went NC with me. Baby brother keeps in touch.

I was an only child so always the scapegoat, never a golden child

My mum hated her eldest sister (and lots of other people) so I wondered if she picked me (eldest dd) as the scapegoat and identified with my sister as the youngest like herself to be the golden child. I have a friend who was the eldest dd who was also the scapegoat.

The one they can easily manipulate AND who meets there needs

My parents valued beauty as they perceived it - fair skin, slim. As a result my sister and brothers were placed above me as I was fat and dark skinned. So I was always to blame, always getting punished, always called ‘embarrassing’. When I had problems they were my fault and I had no support whereas my siblings were supported through everything.

Years later I’m the wealthy, intelligent, ‘high status’ person but they still view me as a loser and will use stories from my childhood to back up their opinions. I’ve chosen to grey rock them - they don’t get any information from me about my life.

The sad thing is my fertility issues were probably caused by mum neglecting me. She dismissed my period pain, accused me of lying of having heavy periods to get out of housework , and so my endo pcos and thyroid issues didn’t get identified until my mid-30s.

I was wondering that. She kind of neglected both. But one brother left and just become extremely self sufficient and the other is emotionally reliant on his mum. He speaks to her all day long despite having his own family. I suppose that gives her the attention she needs.

The person that left is quite likely to be the golden child though.
It's common for scapegoats to do all the "grunt work" and to be constantly seeking the parent's approval.

My brother the GC was not a good person, he treated my parents abysmally.
The nastier he was the more my mother fawned over him.
He barely spoke to her unless he wanted something.

I was the SC, did so much for my mother but it wasn’t enough.

This.

In my DH case as soon as he started saying 'no' to FIL he was no longer the golden child. SIL holds that title now, manipulated by FIL's financial control over her.

Didn’t look at it like that. The brother always calls my partner golden balls. But since meeting me we get no attention, no visits nothing. I thought that made us scapegoats. The other brother is constantly seeking his mums attention and she in return showers them. Mine once the other hand doesn’t. They both physically left home at the same age but the brother has never emotionally left.

Agree with this. My brother is most like my mother, hence her golden child, not very bright, went along with her crap for an easy life, never really questioned things and was treated very favourably. Not done him any favours as he's as callous and dismissive as she is.

Me on the other hand was the whistle blower, tried calling her out on her awful behaviours including entertaining her boyfriends in the house when my dad was at work. She hated me from a small child.

Doesn't matter who does what in my family. The label stays the same.

@Sago1 , I’m in the same situation, my brother has actually stolen from my mum , but he is still her favourite.

So which child would be the one who as an adult now 30’s and constantly seeking his parents attention and approval be likely, the scapegoat or golden child? He has to have the most money, the best house, only expensive clothes etc. He feels like he’s in competition with everyone.

The one who knows that his mother's love is very conditional. He's desperately dependent on others' opinions ans probably has no idea what deep rooted secure love is, the sort that lets you flourish and grow.

Which one is that? Golden or scapegoat?

Given your description of needing the best of everything, it could be either the scapegoat or sometimes the GC. Sometimes the GC is aware there is a bottomless gap just under the very fragile floorboards he's walking on and wants the best of everything as proof he's the more favoured.

Other GCs have been so consistently favoured that they really don't feel insecure and are certain they deserve everything. Total delusion.

Some scapegoats sink their lives into trying to earn parental approval and never worry about material things. Others try to get the best to prove they really are high-value and should be loved, or material things replace genuine love.

It's puppies who are lived, well treated and given good reliable boundaries who grow up most secure and happy, who look outwards, knowing they have a secure base. The ones who have been given small tastes of love but mostly rejection are the ones who keep coming back and back trying go get more of that wonderful live and attention. The utterly rejected sometimes turn vicious, or have no trust in humans.

We aren't much different.

A few scapegoats and a few golden children manage to break free. There are a few people on mumsnet who have done that. They've sometimes even managed to keep good relationships with their sibling(s). The sibling relationship is often very badly damaged where the GC / scapegoats dynamic exists.