How does a narcissistic parent choose who’s the golden child?

[Happyfarm]

Is there any reason to who they decided to be the golden child? Is it the one who seeks the attention the most, or the child who the parents “believes” to have the better qualities? Or is it just random?

I think golden child /scapegoat is more a feeling than something that can be calculated. Which one can get away with the most and how are errors viewed. And how worried are they if something goes wrong.

For the narc parent I don't think it's a conscious choice but the one they empathise with most

They usually have a penis or they look like the narcissistic parent if the same sex.

I just wonder which one of the sons I have. They both do seem to like approval but mine doesn’t constantly seek it. He doesn’t need to have the best and there is no competition with his brother. He’s quite happy and totally oblivious of the attention his brother will get. The brother is definitely in secret competition. For example when we go for dinner the mum will cook the brothers favourite food. If the mum posts a family msg and says I’m making pie and the bro says I don’t like she will change the menu. She will arrange family events and make sure the bro is available and if we aren’t then oh well. I have got the impression she wants to show them off and we are of no use.

Could your partner simply be more secure by his innate nature? Some of personality is inborn.

@DucklingSwimmingInstructress i don’t think my partner is secure at all. He has a hoarding problem. He is so very attached to everything and it causes him great anxiety. They both seem to have issues. One needing constant approval and attention from his mum, no friends just mum all the time and one hoards.

I was his only child and ended up the scapegoat....so the honour of golden child went to my cousin. Guess which one of us was easily manipulated....

They choose based on whomever fulfils their ego and emotional needs.

This totally. It really has no bearing on which child is actually 'better'. I was very academic in comparison with my sibling. Reading lots was 'weird'. Parent's evenings were 'embarrassing'. If people asked how I'd done in my GCSEs and A levels she 'couldn't remember'.

I can relate to this. My brother was the first born golden child, back in the day when value was put on a male child continuing the family name. He was considered more intelligent than me, possibly true, and was encouraged at every opportunity. I was ingnored. My parents were both narcissistic, my mother more than father. Family split when we were children and they fought a long custody battle, mostly focused on my brother. I’ve read the court welfare reports and this is obvious.
He behaved awfully towards them and they continued to fawn over him making excuses all the time.
I just got on with life, did better academically and have had a great career and family. This caused my mother to be extremely jealous and try to disrupt my life. I had to become NC. They’re all dead now, but there are deep wounds.

So relatable. My mum still talks about how my brother is a genius and how gifted he is at maths (he also describes himself as gifted), despite me getting better grades at every stage than him including in maths. But instead I am "nerdy" and "bookish" which are derogatory terms in her house.

So they just pick the one who they have created a need in the most? The one who needs to have mums attention, the one who isn’t confident to be who they are so instead be who she needs them to be. Even as grown up men with families of their own they still need mummies approval and attention?

Yes, unless they do manage to break free. Usually therapy helps, tho not always. But they have to be willing to really work at the therapy. It can be painful.

Sympathies on the hoarding, my biological mother was a hoarder.

In my case the golden child was the one he could show off the most. Boast about. What a wonderful parent I am to produce a child like that. I wasn’t that child.

Im sorry that’s awful but very familiar. MIL boasts about the other BIL. When I first came onto the scene they would boast about the other DIL, how she did things better then I. They still do I just don’t put myself in the same room to have to listen anymore. I don’t get how it doesn’t affect my partner. He kind of seems to go along with it like he ok with knowing his brother is better treated. I’d be so annoyed but it doesn’t get to him at all. It’s like he knows his place.