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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestic incident with Police Called

45 replies

LemonadeLifestyleDreams · 12/09/2024 14:44

To a cut a really long story short. There was an incident the other week with my partner and I had to call for the police to remove him.

He’d admitted to taking substances, which based on that night I would say it was a one off. I get this could all so easily happen again.

At the minute he’s not here so it’s me and my DD, it makes me so sad this has happened because of all the things he does for us and he is truly amazing and I just feel like my whole world has been turned upside down from this night. There has never been any violence and wasn’t on that night nor has there ever been any emotional or psychological abuse or I would in no doubt leave. I just feel lost because I want my life back before that night and I honestly don’t know what to do. Social services are involved off the back of this which really isn’t ideal but I completely understand why.

They’d asked if I ever did a Clare’s Law on my partner but I haven’t because I’ve never had to and she’s saying there is red flags. Basically the SW has suggested a refuge which I really don’t think is appropriate for us but I can see why she’s suggested it as then the risk is completely gone from their perspective. She’d also said she’s not saying it is going to come to this but we could be subject to a child protection plan and I’m petrified of losing my daughter but I don’t want to disrupt her home life and school and so on.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 12/09/2024 14:46

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP but you have to forget this man, the only thing that matters now is keeping your daughter safe. Do not speak to him, do not see him, engage with social services and any investigation fully.

HazelWicker · 12/09/2024 14:50

Mrsttcno1 · 12/09/2024 14:46

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP but you have to forget this man, the only thing that matters now is keeping your daughter safe. Do not speak to him, do not see him, engage with social services and any investigation fully.

This. You have to cut him off OP. He's not your DD's dad by the sounds of it?

Massive warning sign to social services if you don't immediately end the relationship. I had a friend stay here for a few months and similar happened. I ended the friendship and he never set foot back in my house.

I had not considered a Clare's law application until that situation with my friend, but I did submit one for my partner (which came back clear) who I met after the above situation. You have to be so careful when children are involved. Steer clear of him and you should be OK, but listen to social services and engage with them.

HazelWicker · 12/09/2024 14:52

Social services will see this as you choosing him above your DD if you don't end the relationship. That's the problem. Pre children sure give it another go. But you have to put children first when they are in the picture. Some of your third paragraph comes across as minimising what happened. That is another red flag to social services.

MissMoneyFairy · 12/09/2024 14:55

Is it his home, where is he now. Is he dad to your child. Agree you need to work with the police, social services and the school to keep your child safe. What led up to you calling the police and him being removed.

BobbyBiscuits · 12/09/2024 14:56

The SS are involved because it's in your child's interests for you to split permanently with your partner. Based on what happened. They are concerned you may stay with him and put yourself and child in danger.
He is not worthy of you. He messed up, now you and him must deal with the consequences. He's the one at fault here. Get him out of your life permanently, and go along with whatever SS suggest. Things will get better once you see what life is like without him.

Shiningout · 12/09/2024 15:03

Well something must have happened bad enough for you to call the police op. So you've missed that out in your post. People in healthy relationships don't need to call the police to remove the other person, not even as a one off. Hes also taking drugs in a house with children in.

I understand you love him and your life has turned upside down but you are now backtracking and minimising the situation. The authorities will try and work to keep your children and you safe.

Shoxfordian · 12/09/2024 15:06

Surely he's your ex after all this?

Chewbecca · 12/09/2024 15:09

If you had to call the police to remove him - there must have been some sort of major incident or concern?

Have you now done a Clare's law application? It sounds like an essential step now.

Original poster
LemonadeLifestyleDreams · 12/09/2024 15:11

To be honest I really don’t know what to do, I’m not from this area. I’m not trying to minimise what happened because it shouldn’t have ever happened in the first place.

No he’s not her dad, this is his property he rents. I’m not originally from this area so it’s put us in even more of a predicament and I’m not choosing the relationship over my daughter and I’d never want it to appear that way. There’s never been anything leading up to that night and that one night has ruined the whole thing. I just don’t feel a refuge is appropriate and I feel really sad how someone could do something like that and ruin everything and now having social services involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonadeLifestyleDreams · 12/09/2024 15:12

I’ve got the Clare’s Law appointment tomorrow

OP posts:
Frith2013 · 12/09/2024 15:14

If you did choose to go to a refuge, staff there could help find you new housing.

It doesn't sound safe to stay where you are now.

SwiftiesVSLestat · 12/09/2024 15:14

What do you mean ‘incident’?

and what happened to make you sure it was the first time?

I am afraid your post comes across as though you are being quite quite vague. Which comes across as playing it down.

Did you take the SW advice and do a Claire’s law request? What would it hurt to do it?

This man did something bad enough to warrant police involvement and an offer of a refuge. Refuge places aren’t easy to come by. It’s not ok.

I am unclear about what you want from the thread? Advice about dealing with SW? Advice on what you should do now? Just to talk it through?

SwiftiesVSLestat · 12/09/2024 15:15

LemonadeLifestyleDreams · 12/09/2024 15:11

To be honest I really don’t know what to do, I’m not from this area. I’m not trying to minimise what happened because it shouldn’t have ever happened in the first place.

No he’s not her dad, this is his property he rents. I’m not originally from this area so it’s put us in even more of a predicament and I’m not choosing the relationship over my daughter and I’d never want it to appear that way. There’s never been anything leading up to that night and that one night has ruined the whole thing. I just don’t feel a refuge is appropriate and I feel really sad how someone could do something like that and ruin everything and now having social services involved.

Good to hear you are doing Clare’s law.

How old is your daughter?

Original poster
LemonadeLifestyleDreams · 12/09/2024 15:16

Basically yes, I don’t know what’s coming next from the sw because I’ve not had any other updates and everything is so vague. I don’t know what is entail of a child protection plan. I’ve not been offered a place she’s just asked for me to consider going to a refuge to get help with housing

OP posts:
NowyouhaveDunnett · 12/09/2024 15:20

If the SW said there are red flags in his past that puts a different slant on things OP. They don't give out refuge places for nothing so I would listen to them and let them help you.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2024 15:20

It sounds like SS is extremely concerned and you are massively minimising what has happened.

It's quite alarming that you seemingly want to stay with a man whose presence in your life could get your child removed from you.

MissMoneyFairy · 12/09/2024 15:21

Where is he now, are you on the lease, are you and your child safe. If it's his home only he has rights, does his landlord know what's happened.

TerracottaWorrier · 12/09/2024 15:22

Good job with the Clair's law, OP.

You must feel totally shocked and totally lost if you're far from your own area and in his home and recently felt like everything was lovely. It's crazy how fast things crumble sometimes and I think that you should totally make some space for dealing with these feelings asap.

But first you need a survival plan: a roof over your heads and a support network. Why not just call the refuge first and see what they say and what advice they have. I know this is totally at odds with where you thought your life was going but the sooner confronted the sooner fixed. You can do it. You can post here while you're going through the process. We'll help you be brave.

Just4thisthreadtoday · 12/09/2024 15:23

@LemonadeLifestyleDreams

Give you head a break tonight xx

where is he now? How long can he stay there?

Are how the Clare's Law thing goes tomorrow & take it from there. It's likely to clarify your thoughts.

How old is DD?

& sorry but my brain fog is hideous today, did you say how long you've been together?!

Have the meeting first xx

SauviGone · 12/09/2024 15:33

Your vagueness and minimising of what happened is quite astonishing.

This happened weeks ago and despite being urged by a SW to do a Clare's Law request you are only just getting round to it. If a SW told me I should be in a refuge and talked about a 'child protection plan' and I thought for a moment there was any risk of my child being in danger or being removed from me, I'd be out of there so fast my feet wouldn't touch the ground.

It sounds like you're just sitting in his property hoping it'll all blow over, SS will forget about it and he'll come back as it was just a "one off".

Bizarre.

Changeyourfuckingcar · 12/09/2024 15:36

You call him your partner, how long have you actually been together op? You also say he’s ’truly amazing’ but has it not occurred to you that often abusive men appear to be amazing to begin with, to ‘lock in’ their partner, then turn later? Men who were abusive from the word go wouldn’t have many takers now would they?
Protect your innocent child, do better by her, don’t take this man back into your life.

Motnight · 12/09/2024 15:38

Op are you worried that if you actually tell us about the incident that caused you to call the police we will all advise you to leave?

TerracottaWorrier · 12/09/2024 15:41

Changeyourfuckingcar · 12/09/2024 15:36

You call him your partner, how long have you actually been together op? You also say he’s ’truly amazing’ but has it not occurred to you that often abusive men appear to be amazing to begin with, to ‘lock in’ their partner, then turn later? Men who were abusive from the word go wouldn’t have many takers now would they?
Protect your innocent child, do better by her, don’t take this man back into your life.

I don't think it's fair to try and logic the OP out of whatever makes her vulnerable to men like this. Obviously she needs to do some work in this area but it's not a great time to be telling her she made dumb choices. Now's her time to make some good ones!

Paganpentacle · 12/09/2024 15:42

HazelWicker · 12/09/2024 14:52

Social services will see this as you choosing him above your DD if you don't end the relationship. That's the problem. Pre children sure give it another go. But you have to put children first when they are in the picture. Some of your third paragraph comes across as minimising what happened. That is another red flag to social services.

this.
100%

Changeyourfuckingcar · 12/09/2024 15:47

TerracottaWorrier · 12/09/2024 15:41

I don't think it's fair to try and logic the OP out of whatever makes her vulnerable to men like this. Obviously she needs to do some work in this area but it's not a great time to be telling her she made dumb choices. Now's her time to make some good ones!

Show quote history

Well, what sort of answer would be acceptable to you in this case? I didn’t tell her she’d made dumb choices, she’s made a choice countless women before her have made, myself included.

I took my ex at face value when I met him and he showed his true colours later down the line.

Faced with what OPs partner has shown himself to be now, I personally thought it would be worth pointing out that the man he’s shown himself to be in this awful situation is highly likely to be much closer to his true character than the charming front he’s been putting on up to now.

It’s absolutely gutting to come to the realisation you were wrong about someone you loved, trusted and brought into your child’s life, but you’re right on your last line, now’s the time to make better choices. And starting with accepting the reality that the ‘amazing’ facade is just that, a facade, is a good first step… in my humble opinion.