Best friend is angry - is it me?

[isthereaway]

We've known each other 15 years. Small village. (I am not either 'local' or the local (99%) ethnicity & place is not welcoming to outsiders) Friend is very local.
I don't mix in the village. I don't do SM. I'm not socially competent ( my friend is)
We 1st met because her child was part of a group bullying my disabled child (6).
Other parents (& school) did nothing. She did. Brought her child around. Made them apologise. Children became best friends. We became friends. All positive.

Aged 12 we moved away to get better support for children (both mine disabled)
Friend & kid visited often. Repeatedly said: 'we can't wait until you move back'.
It took 5 years, but we did. Kids friendships moved on by then obviously but her children wouldn't even acknowledge mine in school. (I found that a bit difficult as my kids were excluded a lot for being disabled: not 'cool' enough to be friends).

Her son finished 6th form & got a good Uni place. I sent him a card & small gift.
My eldest graduated (HNC) College & started Uni (huge!) No comms from them.
My son then became ill & had to come home. Hers stayed the course: did well.
We stayed friends - coffee every month. This summer she last min invited me to join them on their family holiday for 4 days. I was surprised & touched but thought probably not poss to leave my two kids due to SN. Plus tbh I wasn't sure I could afford to join planned outings / buy dinner for everyone to say thank you.
Friend said 'I needed it & to let go for a bit'. I said Thanks but not possible. Good thing: my eldest suddenly became seriously ill & put in ICU in hospital for week.

Since then I've seen her twice. 1st time she took me for a meal & asked about Ds. Kind. 2nd time we met at a mutual friends house. I was still in/out hospital Ds & very tired. Husband of friend spent whole time monotopic'ing about his two brilliant kids & the expensive cars he was going to buy them. After 90m of this I excused myself. Since, she sent a msg 2 wks ago asking if I fancied coffee. I've not replied partly as Ds still unwell so outpatients etc partly I'd been unsure how to bridge the gap between my life & hers. It just gets wider & wider & it's hard.

This am I got a message: 'just heard your Dd on radio' (kind as I didn't know!)
'I take it from your behaviour at (mutal friends) & your ignoring my msg I have offended you. I am not sure how. I won't contact you again but would be happy to hear from you if you wanted to contact me'. Ooof!

I'm aware that I'm not the best socially. A few months back I decided to be brave & admit that I'd found it hard to see other kids fly when mine struggle so much & I hoped it hadn't affected our friendship. She said No & I think it hadn't as it was after that she did the holiday invite. But since Ds so ill I've found it hard again.
I thought her message was a bit snippy re 'my behaviour' (other mutual friend independently said the H was a total pain) but maybe I'm being oversensitive?
I don't want to lose a 15 year old freindship (& I don't have many) but I'm not sure whether to try to 'save' it or not & if how to handle it either way?

Sorry this turned out to be an essay. If you've read this far, advice welcome...

You might not be the best socially but you really should make an effort if you want to retain this friendship.

A text message takes a few minutes.

But it's up to you. It sounds like you've dealt with an awful lot over the years - all power to you! - but you have to decide what is important and put effort in that direction too.

I think she sounds lovely and a good friend - but appreciate the gap between your two lives is big and growing. So the question is whether you want to keep the friendship going or not? If I were you, I'd want someone like her in my life.

Whatever you decide to do, she at least deserves a reply to her message saying that she hasn't done anything to offend you - her husband being a bore isn't her fault (probably best not to mention that he is a PITA).

If you want to continue the friendship, say you would love to meet for coffee.

If you don't feel able to, it would be sensible to at least say that you're finding life a bit tough right now. If it were me, I'd leave the door open to reignite the friendship at some point (she might not be open to that though if you "pause" the friendship now)

I would try to continue being friends with her. Avoid her husband at all costs

The ball is in your court OP and it’s on you to respond.

I don’t see her message as snippy at all, I see it as an olive branch that you need to grab if you are serious about maintaining a friendship.

In your shoes I’d reply saying you’ve had a lot on your plate but a coffee catch up would be lovely .

But it’s up to you if you want yo keep the friendship or not. I honestly think she’s done her bit

The thing is, people don’t just know you are busy. If you don’t reply to a message, even just to say everything is manic and you’ll reply properly later, it just looks like you are ignoring them.

Can you send a card and explain as you’ve explained here, saying how much her friendship means to you?

I'm reading & taking this in. Thank you. She is a good person. I do like her a lot.
I think the bit that made me pause was the 'my behaviour' at mutal friends bit.
I was obviously totally exhausted. I struggled to join in with the boasty fluff (her H has tried to give me 'investment advice' before - I'm on UC as he knows!)
I wouldn't bring that up with her of course but I wonder what part of 'my behaviour' she's upset about? (I thought I did a pretty good job of keeping quiet!)

If you don't reply to a message for a couple of weeks how does that person know if you are busy or ghosting them? A return message takes literally one minute. Is your best friend of 15 years not worth a minute of your time?

I think her message was fine not an ‘ooof’ at all.

She messaged you. You hadn’t replied in weeks. The last time she saw you, your clearly came across as annoyed or upset as she picked up on it.

She has laid her cards out. She thinks you are avoiding her. She won’t continue to message you (which is the right thing to do if people are ignoring you) but left the door open if you want to contact her and made clear she would happy if you contacted her. She communicated very clearly the situation from her point of view. What she felt she should do as next steps (not carry on contacting you) and left the door open for you when you decide.

I get the feeling that this isn’t really about her and her message. It’s that, through no fault of her own, you feel more and more uncomfortable with her as the gulf between your children widens. I get feeling like that. To a point. DS has autisim and my best friend has a child very close in age. It’s difficult to see her dd grow up and doing certain things that ds wouldn’t ever be able to do. DS isn’t ill though so you have that on top of everything else, so I imagine it’s worse for you than me.

Bottom line is you need to think about whether you want this friendship to continue or not. If you feel it’s took difficult for you emotionally, you don’t have to continue it. Though that seems a shame. If you do, write a text out apologising for not reply and arrange to meet up. And then tell her how you are feeling and how difficult it’s been.

She sounds like she has been a good friend. But the choice is yours

Your friend sounds like she wants a relationship as she kept up contact and invites. I think you were rude not to respond. It wasn't because you were busy, it was because you were annoyed. It takes a few minutes top to write a message.

Be honest with her and then decide how you want to move forward. But you might be cutting your nose off despite your face. She sounds like a good friend. You say you struggle socially so it might be hard to try establish new friendships.

Friend has previously not replied to one of my messages for over 2 weeks so its not such a big deal - I thought. Not ignoring - I'd not even seen it till 2 days ago.
Ds was in intensive care just recently - it's been a nightmare (she knows that).

@SwiftiesVSLestat - yes, I think this is it in a nutshell.

It's hard to parent SN kids alone. It's isolating. The village is awful & the school plays huge local 'favourties'. My friend knows this she was telling me of another friend of her who left as it is so bad. Yet her family have benefittted from it a lot.

This summer was very hard: I'm just SO tired. It's not friends fault her H was rude. I was very quiet that night. Obviously she noticed. I don't expect her to apologise for H but equally I'm sad shes referred to 'my behaviour' negatively.
I feel like we need to address these things but I'm not sure how / whether to now

I think the same, she's been a good friend , text her and explain.

In answer to your question, is it me?
Yes, it is you.
Ne er mind 'oofff' She reached out to you. She's been kind to you and you repay her by ignoring her message. Being so busy you couldn't even message ' sorry, I'll catch up with you soon, I'm a bit overwhelmed at the moment x'
You say you havent got many friends, you'll have one less soon.

I'm sorry it's been so tough.

It sounds like you were exhausted and overwhelmed on the night of the dinner. You say you were quiet, but I know from experience that when I am that exhausted I often miss cues / misunderstand things etc and don't realise until afterwards. Might this be possible? If you do meet up with your friend, it could be worth clarifying.

She sounds like a good friend who has acted like I hope I would in this situation. Best wishes.

I see both sides. People can expect one thing of you but you can be punished for doing the same. It isn't fair but it's how it is.

I think ignoring a message is really cruel. I've been on the receiving end and I know I've somehow upset or offended someone and you know after a while it's grating. I am not a difficult person and it feels so horrible to be just ignored over some perceived slight you just can't understand!

Her defensiveness (e.g your behaviour comment) is for the reason I just explained above. She probably has no clue and it's hurtful.

She's married to the guy so probably doesn't always see how annoying he is. I just wouldn't go there tbh. I'd just try avoid him and don't bring it up.

To reply - if you really do want to be friends, just a simple ' ah so sorry I didn't get back to you. I've had alot going on and I've honestly been finding things difficult. Are you free just the 2 of us for coffee on xyz day?'

You've got to stop comparing. It's not fair I know but people are clueless and I don't believe she's purposely rubbing your nose in it.

Does her husband have the strength you have to deal with the cards you've been dealt? I really seriously doubt it. So you keep that in your mind always.

It might help to also connect with others who can relate - if not in person then online.

I'm also an outlier like you with friends due to lots of reasons. Having online connections who have similar issues helps.

@notacooldad Fair enough - I did ask! I'm so overstretched that I can barely take care of myself so I don't have much energy for outside things. I'd valued this friendship even though it was sometimes difficult as our lives became increasingly far apart. Recently I slept in a chair for 5 days at the hospital whilst I tried to arrange care for my other SN kid. This isn't every day obvs but, as a SN parent, I always have different priorities. I thought my friend understood. I'll text to say thanks for letting me know about Dd & I was too exhausted at mutual friends house to chit chat much. If that is ok with her we proceed. If not I can't offer any more as I don't have the opportunity / it in the tank to offer more.

People often don’t understand how tiring and hard having a v sick relative can be. Maybe say to her that you’re sorry she feels like that, you really haven’t meant it to come across like that, and explain your exhaustion, and say you hope to maintain and revitalise the friendship when things are calmer?

Yep. This.

@Ecstaticmotion exactly. People are just clueless to what other people have to endure. A very simple so sorry but so much going on I'm completely overwhelmed right now' is absolutely fine. It's kind,you're clearly saying look life is a nightmare right now but you're keeping the door open.

All this friend will be thinking is what the hell have I done? It won't go any more deep that that I guess.

Sorry she sounds like a really good friend who obviously doesn't see you growing apart. These are all your issues and a lot of negative comparisons going on, that your friend is probably totally unaware off. Maybe have a chat with her about your feeling, sounds like life is overwhelming for you with DS ailments. Hope you two can fix things x

"Hi Sally, I'm not ignoring you, sorry you thought that. I'm just burnt out and overwhelmed, nothing left in the tank, with jack being so unwell. I'm also finding it really hard seeing / heading all about everyone else's kids progress and move on with their lives, when Jack and Lucy are struggling so much. If you're free for coffee and a chat I'd love that, thanks."

Your behaviour was that you were visibly annoyed or upset. If she noticed it, it must have been visible. Your Behaviour was negative behaviour. I understand it, but it was negative. But it doesn’t mean she is judging you for it. On top of that, you then didn’t reply to her for 2 weeks. So it’s not just the lack of reply. She is clearly saying she noted your behaviour and as you have also not replied to her she is assuming you are annoyed at her.

She isn’t saying your have it was appalling but she is adding some recent instances up coming to the (correct) conclusion. You are distancing yourself from her.

You didn’t say you had only seen it two days ago, previously. You seemed aware she had messaged but had not messaged back, because you don’t know how to bridge the gap and your son being ill.

Surly 2 days ago you could have replied ‘only just seen your message about coffee. DS has been in hospital. Will message you when things are a bit more stable’

Then you wouldn’t have need to deal with it or bridge the gap. You care about her? So surely a quick reply not tackling anything is better than leaving her hanging.

It IS hard to parent SN kids alone. But let be honest, there would still be a huge gap between your kids. And it’s nobodies fault. She didn’t participate in excluding your child. When she found out about her own child’s behaviour she tackled it and fostered a friendship between the kids and between you 2. Her kids benefitted but through circumstance. Not because she actively harmed anyone. She did the opposite. When other parents did nothing, she did something.

You moved away for 5 years. One of your kids wasn’t in school by that point and the other was a teenager? That was bound to have a massive impact. But why did you move back if you hate it so much? I am mixed race, lived in a village I clearly wasn’t accept in. I moved and didn’t go back to live. though my best friend lives there. My kids and her kids go to different schools. They mix when we all meet up. But the school they went to wouldn’t have suited My DS and vice versa.

I do think you are unhappy about how things have turned out. And some choices you have made. And I do think you are risking a good friendship because your projecting your upset in to her. As though she is somehow responsible.

But just be careful that you don’t end up isolating more and more people and then turning round in another 5 years wondering why you don’t have anybody. This is your decision, make the decision that’s best for you. But you need to own it and what comes of it.

Sorry we cross posted with my last message.

You will always have different prioritises. She has shown some understanding by leaving the ball in your court.

You do need to understand though that friendships are two ways. Occasionally, you have to give when you can and consider friends feelings even if that’s 30 seconds to reply to a message.

I was forced into isolation by trauma and have been incredibly lucky that a few friends have maintained contact - even through a year+ of no contact from me

that speaks to their wonderful kindness (and patience!)

I am still unable to resume the regular contact we used to have but I do try though to communicate just what PP suggested - a quick ‘I’m overwhelmed atm’ text - and those lovely people understand as they aren’t left hanging

and I have been where you have re the gathering and a careless, hurtful conversation - I withdrew from the specific person/situation, but not my friend because the clueless person was a) not them and b) maybe not deliberately malicious

give your friend a text, friendships can’t exist as a one-way street, no matter what our individual priorities or traumas, if you are currently unable to engage due to circumstance - give your friend the courtesy of a ‘roadworks ongoing’ sign and go from there