Best friend is angry - is it me?

[isthereaway]

We've known each other 15 years. Small village. (I am not either 'local' or the local (99%) ethnicity & place is not welcoming to outsiders) Friend is very local.
I don't mix in the village. I don't do SM. I'm not socially competent ( my friend is)
We 1st met because her child was part of a group bullying my disabled child (6).
Other parents (& school) did nothing. She did. Brought her child around. Made them apologise. Children became best friends. We became friends. All positive.

Aged 12 we moved away to get better support for children (both mine disabled)
Friend & kid visited often. Repeatedly said: 'we can't wait until you move back'.
It took 5 years, but we did. Kids friendships moved on by then obviously but her children wouldn't even acknowledge mine in school. (I found that a bit difficult as my kids were excluded a lot for being disabled: not 'cool' enough to be friends).

Her son finished 6th form & got a good Uni place. I sent him a card & small gift.
My eldest graduated (HNC) College & started Uni (huge!) No comms from them.
My son then became ill & had to come home. Hers stayed the course: did well.
We stayed friends - coffee every month. This summer she last min invited me to join them on their family holiday for 4 days. I was surprised & touched but thought probably not poss to leave my two kids due to SN. Plus tbh I wasn't sure I could afford to join planned outings / buy dinner for everyone to say thank you.
Friend said 'I needed it & to let go for a bit'. I said Thanks but not possible. Good thing: my eldest suddenly became seriously ill & put in ICU in hospital for week.

Since then I've seen her twice. 1st time she took me for a meal & asked about Ds. Kind. 2nd time we met at a mutual friends house. I was still in/out hospital Ds & very tired. Husband of friend spent whole time monotopic'ing about his two brilliant kids & the expensive cars he was going to buy them. After 90m of this I excused myself. Since, she sent a msg 2 wks ago asking if I fancied coffee. I've not replied partly as Ds still unwell so outpatients etc partly I'd been unsure how to bridge the gap between my life & hers. It just gets wider & wider & it's hard.

This am I got a message: 'just heard your Dd on radio' (kind as I didn't know!)
'I take it from your behaviour at (mutal friends) & your ignoring my msg I have offended you. I am not sure how. I won't contact you again but would be happy to hear from you if you wanted to contact me'. Ooof!

I'm aware that I'm not the best socially. A few months back I decided to be brave & admit that I'd found it hard to see other kids fly when mine struggle so much & I hoped it hadn't affected our friendship. She said No & I think it hadn't as it was after that she did the holiday invite. But since Ds so ill I've found it hard again.
I thought her message was a bit snippy re 'my behaviour' (other mutual friend independently said the H was a total pain) but maybe I'm being oversensitive?
I don't want to lose a 15 year old freindship (& I don't have many) but I'm not sure whether to try to 'save' it or not & if how to handle it either way?

Sorry this turned out to be an essay. If you've read this far, advice welcome...

Really? OP had a child in intensive care and was a bit quiet at a dinner party due to exhaustion and (presumably) being under a lot of stress. I would expect real friends to understand this and be sympathetic tbh.

OP I think all you need to do it reply to the message saying it's been a very difficult few weeks, with hindsight you probably shouldn't have gone to the dinner party because you weren't in the right frame of mind, and of course you still want to be friends.
If your friend can't understand this I don't think the friendship is worth saving.

It wasn't a dinner party. It was drinks at mutual friend house (during her move)
I txt'ed that friend said 'sorry, too shattered' she said please come to make a 4.
So I went. Said upon arrival, 'sorry can only stay an hour as Son very ill again'.
(stayed 90m). I didn't say much as the other 3 were a.comparing their house builds & b. H talking about expensive cars. I couldnt contribute to any of that.

As I said, my friend has often gone some time before answering a txt msg from me too. I just assume she's busy & will get back to me.That's how it works with most people I thought, especially with a long friendship, but clearly I'm wrong.

I will have to reply as a.it was kind to let me know about Dd
b. we've been friends for 15 years & that deserves honouring.
c. I'll bump into her most days around the village so it would be bloody awkward.

So I'll say thanks re Dd. & no she's not offended me. But I don't know where to go from that. If I then avoid coffee it tooks rude. but if we start up with coffee again, I can't change my situation. Normally I could text (but not this time clearly)

Parent of disabled children here too; so I get it's difficult seeing other kids fly when yours aren't. But that really isn't your friend fault or the fault of the mutual friend husband, you can't expect people not to talk about their kids successes just because it upsets you.
Also if I was your friend and you'd left somewhere early and then not replied to my messages I'd have thought the same that I'd somehow offended you. A quick -sorry I'm not able to do to coffee at the moment because DS is in and out of hospital would have taken a lot less time from your day than a thread on Mumsnet.

It sounds as if you have had a lot going on and should perhaps reach out to her for support as she sounds a really lovely friend. I can fully see why she may feel she has upset you. As for the other parents all talking about their childrens successes, that's what proud parents do - I understand your children have not had an easy ride (I understand as my DS is also disabled) but you should also be proud of their successes no matter how small and not have so much angst against the other parents - celebrate all your children's successes together.
Ultimately, talk to your friend. Make time for a coffee and tell her what you have told us!! She sounds understanding x

I'd go with that @isthereaway , or at least with the first half of you feel you can't be upfront with the second..

"Your behaviour" didn't necessarily mean that she thought your behaviour was bad. Simply that the way you were that night wasn't your usual self.

Being tired and stressed is a perfectly adequate explanation.

It sounds like you just need to be more honest with her. She seems (to me) to be an amazing friend that you should make every effort to keep. Don’t assume she understands what you are going through and how you are feeling - tell her! She will support you!

Don't interpret her message about your ‘behaviour’ as a criticism - take it as she’s been clumsy with her words, but she is worried she’s offended you, and tried to reach out.

Seriously, most friendship issues occur because of poor communication. She is trying to communicate with you. If you want this friendship (and you SHOULD!), it’s on you to make the effort now.
I understand you are tired, but you found time to type this post. Direct your energies towards rl friends and enjoy having their support and investment in your life.

You keep saying you can't change your situation, but nor can your friend change hers. You've both been dealt different hands in life. That doesn't mean you can't get on.

I’d lay your cards out like she did hers
— you’ve got nothing in the tank right now— parenting kids with SN is exhausting

• recent DC illness has shrunk your world further right now and your abilities to look beyond that world, you’re coping and not much else. That means that you don’t have the reserves to do social chit chat in a group (even a small group)

~ you love and value your friend and never want her to have to self censor about her family or kids, but your ability to join in socially and contribute to conversations about dc achievements or cars or house builds can be hampered by your circumstances. Sometimes it makes you feel [sad / resentful / angry / dejected or whatever the best word is]. Be careful to express that that is your problem and you need to manage your feelings for yourself, but sometimes it means detaching from a situation or a conversation.

I would offer / ask for a reset and to meet just the 2 of you. Keep the meet ups to coffee for 2 where you can chat about kids and your lives but also the wider world or what crap you watched on a telly or a book you once liked or fantasy holidays or any old stuff that isn’t crappy small talk that happens in bigger groups and which leaves you feeling like shit.

I think try to address your insecurities and envy - she seems to accept you so why are you sabotaging it?

Text or call her, she sounds like a lovely friend. Meet up for coffee and a good catch up, just the two of you if you don't enjoy socialising in bigger groups.
She can't help that her circumstances are different to yours and it was hearing the men boasting that upset you, not your friend who has always been supportive in the past.
You have a lot to cope with but a relaxed coffee or lunch together is a nice way to chat and reconnect.

As much as possible, I’d try to see you and your friend as individual people, rather than wives and mothers.

I’m not trying to undermine the difficulties you have, but it’s healthy for you to try to exist, even a little bit, outside of your role as mother.

Get together with her and don’t talk about your kids. See a film, go for a swim. We all need connection.

edited to add, obviously I’m not talking about times when your child is seriously ill.

I get that exhaustion, having no energy to engage with friends, nothing to say, a tiny world, and struggling with other people's children succeeding when yours are struggling. It's so tiring, and it's relentless. It just never ends. Friendships feel very uneven. I feel really fortunate to have friends who have stuck with me and understood and valued what I was able to give.

Her use of 'behaviour' may have been, like pp said, clumsy. It isn't always a negative word, but it's easy to read it as one.

Text her, tell her you'd like to see her. Don't see her husband. Don't waste your energy on him!

Your friend sounds really lovely so it would be a shame to lose her. Try not to overthink what she wrote. Most of us with busy lives don’t spend ages trying to say exactly the right thing but dash off a message to get it done. You don’t need to be perfect in how you respond to the text either, but being honest about how you feel is fine.

Could you send her a short text back to say something like… ‘thanks for being a good friend, you appreciate it. You’re feeling overwhelmed and exhausted by everything on your plate right now but you’d love to catch up with her for a coffee when the pressure eases off. Hope she’s ok etc…’

But she has offended you it sounds like? So she's right to think that's why you haven't texted back.
So you need to decide whether you want to keep the friendship or not.
If you don't just don't txt back. If you do just txt back that you are sorry for not texting you've just been really busy.
If you want to then actually express yourself that you think she lacks a bit of compassion for how much you've got going on in your life right now.. and that you like her but you've got a lot on your plate

It is always tricky when lives diverge. I would text, meet for coffee but leave it at that for now - you have alot going on with hospitals etc and dont have the energy or mental bandwidth for dealing with insensitive people who are all about them and theirs (the H) so just keep in touch with her with messages and coffee for now. Who knows what the future holds. Just remember you yourself are enough, and deserve a friendship and don't have to put up with their bragging and self congratulating behaviour.

I have few deep friendships but we can always ebb and flow and pick up. We can always recognise tough times and even just a light call helps us remember we are more than what we are slaves to (family, hospitals etc).

I think you're being hard on her and hard on yourself.

I think the message upthread makes sense - you're burnt out and overwhelmed, but if you keep most things to yourself, then how is she to know? She sounds like a woman who genuinely likes you and wants to actively be your friend - allow yourself to lean on her a little. Be open that while you love to hear about her children's achievements, it does sometimes hit a sore spot, especially when you're on the last dregs of energy.

Don't do that via text though. Accept her invitation and go for coffee and have a real heart to heart.

I don’t think either of you are in the wrong … just seems you are both living life but with very different lived experiences which is leading to some communication/behaviour being misinterpreted. A simple message back thanking her for the radio info and explaining you’re simply finding life a bit much at the moment but thanking her for reaching out should suffice.
Have you got any SEN parent friends? Maybe worth exploring what’s available in your local area or join some online parent groups - possibly if you had some friends that are in a similar situation that you can share similar life experiences with then you may find hearing about this friends children less difficult to manage and could then get back to coffee dates if you wanted too.

you say you don’t know where to go from there- OP it sounds like you are rather quiet about your situation to your friend, maybe start by telling her more about what’s going on in your life. She knows you have a child with needs but she can’t know what you are going through if you just sit there saying nothing and then don’t reply to her texts.

I get why she’s remarking about your behaviour at mutual friend. If there were only 4 of you and you said nearly nothing for 90 minutes and then left (and didn’t text afterwards apologising for being quiet /leaving but you were absolutely wrecked / explain what you’re dealing with at the moment) - sorry but that just comes across as rude.

She sounds like a really nice, caring person. If you want her in your life and value her friendship you will need to make more of an effort to let her know what’s going on. It sounds like you are struggling to maintain a front for her. You shouldn’t have to do that for true friends. If that is what you are doing, maybe you arn’t really friends.

reach out to her - she is a kind person and she cares about you. You are sensitive to the phrase about “behaviour” but it is just a description not a criticism. I really wish you well 🌷

This, am sure everyone was at some point speaking about their children, so why the derogatory Husband of friend spent whole time monotopic'ing about his two brilliant kids re this? Would you he upset if she or someone else said you were 'monotopic'ing about your dc being unwell?

I haven’t read all of the comments but wanted to say - my son, despite being desperately intelligent, has tried Uni 3 times - and had to leave because of his additional needs
it is hard listening to other folks who have children who are flying high when your own is barely able to function.

but I do think it’s worth explaining to your friend how you feel - just be honest. She will either understand, or she won’t, but at least you will have given some context as to why you are less responsive to her friendship.

Ignore the husbands behaviour and just think about ur relationship with friend. U no u haven’t replied and it’s probably making her feel horrible too. She sounds supportive and like ur relationship has grown around both ur changing lives. Text her back x

I rarely reply to these threads but something about your topic resonated with me. This lady sounds like a wonderful friend, and one that needs keeping, even if you’re struggling to see this at the moment.

This is a person who seems to have consistently made time for you over the years, who has continued to show up for you, even when you may not have recognised it. You are obviously a very good friend to her in return…She invited you on her holiday which suggests you mean a great deal to her, and whilst you couldn’t comprehend how you could make that work, she just saw a friend who needed some time away. Just because she couldn’t empathise with your situation at this point, that doesn’t make her a bad person or any less of a good friend.

I don’t mean to be disrespectful towards you, your situation sounds incredibly tough, but it can be tiring to keep putting into a friendship with someone and she could’ve let things peter out when you moved away but she didn’t, so she deserves you to put a little time in back. Text messages can often be meant in one way but received another, and I wouldn’t get caught up on the ‘your behaviour’ as I agree with others that she hasn’t meant it in the way you think.

I get that it’s really hard to keep your head above water when you have so much going on in your life, but it’s easy to forget that just because you think other people have a much easier life than you, that they aren’t struggling with stresses and anxieties too. I’m sure your friends life is much easier than yours, but that doesn’t mean her problems are less valid and yet she’s always sounded to maintain a supportive friendship towards you. It doesn’t sound like she makes any comparisons or treats you any differently, and she was clearly proud your Dd was on the radio. You’re very caught up on comparing the accomplishments of your children so maybe she’s worried about offending you.

If I’m honest, it sounds like your exhausted and something needs to give, so your choosing for it to be this friendship because your tired of comparing, but I think in the long run you’d regret it.

You have had a very hard time over the years. But your friend does sound nice and doesn't seem to have done anything wrong. Just send a text.