Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Self esteem is down in the dumps at the moment…

27 replies

67Bakery · 12/09/2024 09:55

Hi all, I’ve been with my partner for a couple of years. He lives with me in my parents’ house.

So basically, everything will seem fine for let’s say a couple of weeks, then all of a sudden (in my eyes) he’ll feel down, depressed, fed up with me, shout at me (this bit only happens very occasionally and he will apologise afterwards and say “it’s just my stress coming out I can’t control it lately”), he’ll sometimes say things like I’m “unbareable” to be around.

Tonight, I explained that I’m nervous to go to his family home tomorrow to stay (they live 2 hours away) as I feel quite vulnerable with how we have been lately and we sort of had a conversation about how he’s been feeling lately. I ended up asking him if I’m enough for him and he said “just be enough for yourself” I asked him to clarify further what he meant by that and he said he hopes I can give him more and that my best is better than what I’ve been giving.

I feel as though I have been doing my best but i have sought private counselling to see if I can further improve my best for him but I feel like my self esteem has taken a toll from this. Perhaps me having mental health issues is the reason that all this is happening.

Advice on where to go from here?
TIA

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 12/09/2024 10:06

I'd suggest you go nowhere, but show him the door.

You've only been together a couple of years. You've not got your own home, married, kids( I presume as you've not mentioned them). There's nothing here to tie you to him.

So why put up with someone who makes you unhappy so frequently?

Me and DP argue about once every 5 years. We have never once shouted at each other in 20 years, or taken our stress out on each other, insulted each other or called each other "unbearable to be around".

That's what you should be aiming for. What you've actually got is so far from that. Why would you put up with someone who makes you feel so small?

Sayitagainonlylouder · 12/09/2024 10:16

It sounds as though he is behaving badly and then passing the responsibility of his bad behaviour on to you. He is making it all your fault. And he is undermining your self confidence by doing so. Making you question yourself.

You would feel much better and your self esteem would vastly improve, if you were to leave this relationship.

howshouldibehave · 12/09/2024 10:20

Your poor parents having to live with this man child.

Advice on where to go from here?

Move him out and if/when you are ready to live as a couple, do it in your own house.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 12/09/2024 10:34

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 12/09/2024 10:06

I'd suggest you go nowhere, but show him the door.

You've only been together a couple of years. You've not got your own home, married, kids( I presume as you've not mentioned them). There's nothing here to tie you to him.

So why put up with someone who makes you unhappy so frequently?

Me and DP argue about once every 5 years. We have never once shouted at each other in 20 years, or taken our stress out on each other, insulted each other or called each other "unbearable to be around".

That's what you should be aiming for. What you've actually got is so far from that. Why would you put up with someone who makes you feel so small?

Edited

I agree.

Pictures50 · 12/09/2024 10:36

Get this loser out of your home and your mental health will improve.

Stop tolerating his bullshit.

ActualChips · 12/09/2024 10:41

'private counselling to see if I can further improve my best for him'

This is so sad. Can you do courses to develop self esteem and raise your standards?
Males are ten a penny, there's over 4 billion of them. The only reason to date one is if he vastly improves your life and makes it fun. That's the only point of a relationship.
I'm sure your parents don't want this shitty bloke in their property, boot him out.

poppyzbrite4 · 12/09/2024 10:53

Your self esteem sounds very low OP. You've forgotten you matter. I'm glad to hear you're having counselling. I advise you to ask him to move out.

Catoo · 12/09/2024 10:57

Get rid of him OP.

Let him go and sponge off someone else and their family and tell them they aren’t being their best.

What do you parents think of him? Am in right in thinking they wouldn’t be too upset if left?

Original poster
67Bakery · 12/09/2024 13:06

They don’t really know what’s going on. I feel guilty that he’s been in our house for so long. My parents are religious and didn’t want someone living here before I was married to them. They’ve pushed their beliefs aside and allowed him in their home for so long living so cheaply for me. I told them it was a long term relationship so I feel like I’ve let them down massively

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 12/09/2024 13:08

67Bakery · 12/09/2024 13:06

They don’t really know what’s going on. I feel guilty that he’s been in our house for so long. My parents are religious and didn’t want someone living here before I was married to them. They’ve pushed their beliefs aside and allowed him in their home for so long living so cheaply for me. I told them it was a long term relationship so I feel like I’ve let them down massively

Why? You didn't lie to them? You thought it was going to be a long term relationship, it's not your fault he turned out to be a bellend.

I guarantee your parents would prefer you broke up with someone who didn't make you happy than stay with him just because you thought it would upset them if you ended the relationship

Catoo · 12/09/2024 13:10

My guess OP - they’ve heard how he speaks to you on his ‘off’ days.

They will throw a party when you put him out of the door

DadJoke · 12/09/2024 13:13

So far you’ve suggested that you are willing to stay with a man because of what other people might think, and that you should have counselling for his issues so you can improve yourself for him.

Imagine you were reading this from someone else. What would you suggest?

Original poster
67Bakery · 12/09/2024 13:21

You’re all right. Thank you for all the advice and helping me see what I need to. I’m going to muster up the strength and be strong and realise that it’s better to be lonely than have my self esteem torn to bits- that doesn’t feel nice. Yes we’ve had good times, very nice memories but that doesn’t mean just because of those I should put up with feeling so low in myself due to his behaviour

OP posts:
Original poster
67Bakery · 12/09/2024 13:22

I know my parents wouldn’t want me to be treated so poorly and I know they will support my decision and be there for me no matter what. I know they love me and always want the best for me always

OP posts:
DadJoke · 12/09/2024 13:23

67Bakery · 12/09/2024 13:22

I know my parents wouldn’t want me to be treated so poorly and I know they will support my decision and be there for me no matter what. I know they love me and always want the best for me always

That’s lovely! All power to you OP - let us know how it goes.

Original poster
67Bakery · 12/09/2024 13:24

Thank you all for caring 🖤

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 12/09/2024 13:25

He sounds awful OP . Trust your instincts, help him pack his bags and wave him goodbye.
You can do much better

Pictures50 · 12/09/2024 13:45

Well done OP.
Your parents clearly love you.

Get his shit together and get him out.
Don't give him time.
He has saved enough money living off your parents to get an airbnb etc.

Do not allow him more than a couple of days max.

Tell your parents the truth,he has been treating you poorly and you want him out.

You owe him nothing.

Pls post again, we are here for you.

frozendaisy · 12/09/2024 13:46

Fuck this OP.
I would tell him he's lucky I've put up with him and his fucking nonsense for so long and to have a think whilst he's at his parent's house where he's going to live on his return because it won't be here.

frozendaisy · 12/09/2024 13:48

But be aware OP a man needing a home can be ever so lovingly convincing.

Don't fall for it.

This is who he really is right now. Remember that.

frozendaisy · 12/09/2024 13:49

And talk to your parents, once they know what a cock he is they won't let him back in, even if you weaken.

frozendaisy · 12/09/2024 13:50

he said he hopes I can give him more and that my best is better than what I’ve been giving.

And you laugh like a drain and say see ya cocklodger

Pictures50 · 12/09/2024 16:09

Definitely tell him to take his stuff to his parents.

I think you have been emotionally abused by him.
Your gut is screaming at you to protect yourself.
You not listening to your gut has messed with your mental health.

Get rid of this loser asap.

Morefunhere · 12/09/2024 16:17

Best of Luck with your life in the future. You may not realise what a burden you have been carrying with him. You will notice a difference within a week.
Let his family re-home him.

Starspangledbanner7 · 13/09/2024 03:15

Sounds like he’s eroding your self esteem. “Just be good enough for yourself” is very dismissive, and as though he is distancing himself from the relationship. “Your best is better than what you’ve been giving” doesn’t answer your question, and implies even your best isn’t good enough. How would he know as he clearly doesn’t bring out the best in you! For you to be even asking that question shows you are feeling really vulnerable and insecure with him. Don’t get counselling so you can be better for him, if you feel like you need counselling then just talk about what’s happening with you and let the counsellor help with your self esteem issues. I think you should at the very least have him move out so you can get a bit of strength back and some space, and see how things go from there.

Swipe left for the next trending thread