What to do about oldest friendship

[MerrimentMeadows]

Just up in the night wondering what to do.

I have a very old friendship, the only one I have that goes back to my school days and for many years I would have called this person my best friend. We used to holiday together, we have lived together in the distant past, we have always confided in each other and she is the one person I thought would always be around.

However over the past few years I've slowly realised that my friend doesn't really feel the same way about the friendship and now I'm not sure how to go about things moving forwards.

Firstly friend let's call her Sonja, wanted to move abroad to live and her and her family really looked into this and tried to get their employers to agree to this because they work from home. They wanted to move to Finland from Germany. I was gutted because I knew I wouldn't see my friend much anymore but that wasn't something my friend had considered, I don't think. So that was a clue.

Then this year things have felt off - whatsapp messages go unread for weeks then when read it takes many more weeks for her to reply to them. We did talk about going away together but the few times I've made suggestions Sonja has just completely ignored them. Sonja also forgot about our birthdays this year which was unusual.

We are meant to be meeting soon but I feel really flat about it and I'm not sure if I want to tbh. It just feels as though the friendship has been downgraded by my friend and I'd be better off investing in my local friendships. Or certainly taking a step back to energy match with sonja.

To add to this we live some distance away from each other - couple of hours drive away - so we usually only see each other 3 or 4 times a year anyway But this year it has only been once at the beginning of the year.

My options seem to be as follows:

1. Go to the meet up and just enjoy it for what it is but stop considering friend in the same way as before. This feels like the easiest option to carry out.

1. Not bother going to the meet up as friendship is no longer what it was.

1. Go to the meet up and talk to friend about the fact the friendship feels more distant. Feels like I shouldn't have to do this as I have always said you judge people on their actions and people do what they want to do so look at what they do and act accordingly.

That should have said options 1 2 and 3! Sorry. Thanks in advance x

Firstly friend let's call her Sonja, wanted to move abroad to live and her and her family really looked into this and tried to get their employers to agree to this because they work from home. They wanted to move to Finland from Germany. I was gutted because I knew I wouldn't see my friend much anymore but that wasn't something my friend had considered, I don't think. So that was a clue. bloody hell, self absorbed much?

You seriously think she should have taken you into account when thinking of moving?

Friendships evolve over time. You’re not at school any more, although your talk of needing to have a talk and just not bother imply otherwise.

Okay thanks.

Was just thinking about the moving away thing it was more the way Sonja talked about it hard to explain. Combined with the not replying to my messages. We've never spoken much on the phone tbh but we used to message more. Just feels like the friendship has changed and it used to mean a lot. So was putting my thoughts down to get some other perspectives. Obviously my friend is free to do whatever makes her happy and I want her to be happy.

I genuinely cannot believe that you’d expect a friend to revolve their entire life around you. Thinking that someone shouldn’t pursue an opportunity abroad just to please you is ridiculously self centred OP.

My best friend of many years recently moved away for an amazing career opportunity - of course I miss her but I am incredibly proud and happy that she is following her dreams. I wouldn’t for one minute expect her to stay in our hometown forever just to please me. A good friendship survives distance and time apart. If you can’t be supportive of your friend and maintain a relationship throughout this then you obviously aren’t really that close or amicable.

There might be a chance she's putting a little distance between you because of your propensity for dramatics and egocentrism.

Did you behave weird with her when she was trying to move away? You're right in that she's moved away from you emotionally and if I were you I would take approach 1 but like others I found it odd that you were upset she was looking to move countries. Adults don't really factor in friendships when considering life changes like that.

Of course I wouldn't have expected my friend to stay in the country for me it was more the way the discussion went I think I knew we wouldn't really stay in touch or see each other much if she left. I was happy for her but the conversation wasn't how you think it might go with a best friend if that makes sense. I am just looking back now and seeing that there have been clues the friendship has drifted. I probably worded the op wrong!

No I didn't behave weirdly at all. I think I must have worded the op in a strange way. Sorry German is my first language but I like reading mn.

Not bother going to the meet up as friendship is no longer what it was.

this seems the most obvious course of action.

sounds like your friendship has passed its sell-by date, I'm afraid.

my longstanding friend and I have managed to keep things going over the years by accepting there are times in life we aren't each others' priority and we both cut each other some slack. But we've always been there for each other when the chips are down, through travels, relationships, life's twists and turns. With the impermanence of life, it's warming to have stability. We use WA a lot more nowadays, to keep in touch.

Thank you for getting it. Yes this is the conclusion I'm coming to. It is sad and I used to feel the way about my friendship how you feel about yours but I feel maybe in the last year or two it hasn't been the same for ours. If I was telling her I was leaving Germany I would have said we will still meet up and see each other when we can but my friend didn't say any of those things and when I combine that with the messaging I just think it's gone off between us.

I think maybe it’s time to accept that time alone isn’t enough to carry a friendship. She has moved on and so have you. Invest your time in others around you who make you happy and return the time and energy you put into them. You don’t need to have a “breakup”, just meet her with the same energy she sends you. Don’t meet up unless it’s not putting you out. (No travel, days off work, changing plans, etc…)

Yes this is it. I am torn between not going and spending the time with my family instead and going but mentally downgrading the friendship to energy match my friend but after all these years that does seem weird tbh.

Option 1 seems the most obvious to me, as I don't see why you wouldn't want an old friend to still be in your life. I have friends I was extremely close to, lived with etc who I now only see every few years due to distance but communicate with intermittently and it's always still warm and close because we know each very well. But we have our own lives and more current friends and family and don't put an expectations on time or commitment to each other. That's the great thing about an old friend, that they know and love you, but there's no pressure to prove anything: There's even some who have changed a lot and who have aspects of their lives I don't like so much and mightn't be friends if we met now, but I wouldn't drop them. People do change and that's okay. So absolutely I'd see her and see it for what it is, not ditch it because she's not as into me as I am into her, as if she was a DP. The only reason I'd cut it off is if there was something horrible she'd done or if it was really awkward because we didn't get on, something like that. But an old friend I still got on with, I'd go along and enjoy that.

Oh good lord, are you always melodramatic? Ditching a friendship of decades because you’re feeling needy?

Sonja is considering a move to Finland. Of course how she manages her friendship with you isn’t going to be on her mind in the slightest. You WhatsApp and rarely see each other face to face anyway. There’s absolutely no reason the friendship couldn’t continue as before.

It’s understandable that she’s slower to respond to messages; she’s sorting out emigrating for her family. Her head is full, there are a million things to do and details to iron out.

If you are as over-sensitive when dealing with Sonja as comes across in your OP, I suspect she’s pulled back because she doesn’t have the emotional capacity for your neediness right now.

Are other things happening in your life at the moment that mean you wish she was more present for you?

Thank you..I could do this and I would rather not cut out a friendship especially one that has meant so much. I suppose it's that thing of realising that the friendship has changed and adjusting. Perhaps I will go along this time and see how it goes. If my friend is off with me I will know the friendship should not continue. Sonja s behaviour on messaging has changed so it is a difficult situation and a long way to travel to meet someone who has changed towards you! Not being egocentric just being honest and trying to work things out for the best. I don't want sonja to feel obligated to meet me if she doesn't want to for example. She did suggest meeting up but hadn't for a long time beforehand. So maybe she doesn't want to cut the friendship but it's not as important now.

The move is not happening. I'm not being melodramatic I'm trying to work out what to do for the best.

You’re thinking about not bothering with your oldest friend because she didn’t consider you in her emigration plans and doesn’t respond to your messages immediately. That seems pretty melodramatic to me.

But I’m awake because of pain and I’m responding in a tetchy tone, for which I apologise.

The energy someone has to invest in a friendship ebbs and flows depending on many factors. This time she’s not responding much; in a couple of years it might be her doing the running and you who is less available.

If the many years of friendship mean something to you, I suggest you meet up with Sonja as planned. The great thing about old friends is that when you’re together, the years melt away and you’re just as if you saw each other yesterday.

That's okay I am sorry for your pain. Thank you for commenting. The friendship has changed there is no denying that but my friend may have lots going on I know she feels over worked and also of course she has her own social life where she lives as do I. It's not that I want to give up on the friendship but I've suggested a few things to meet up and do this year that frankly sonja has just blanked which isn't me being needy it's more me reading the signs that things have changed. It is complicated by the fact sonja lives a long drive from me so we can't just pop around to see each other. So yes sonja has now suggested meeting up but I feel a bit strange about it. But maybe sonja is just having a bad year.

I'd personally go with option 3 and talk it out. Then if the friendship does end you're not left wondering what happened.

HRTFT...I have three incredibly close friends who I usually see independently of each other, although they all get on well. All of them would say I am their best friend and have been for over thirty years., forty in one case.

One lives 150 miles away. I see him 3/4 times a year. DH and I will take a couple of weekends a year to visit and he does the same.

The other two live minutes away. I can still go 3 months and not see either of them in person. This doesn't stop us from being the first to tell each other our news or seek advice and comfort. I hadn't seen either for a while so cooked Sunday lunch for us all last weekend. I do make effort on the times we do get together.

Only you know if she's doing a slow fade but you do sound a little needy from your OP. I wouldn't give them a second thought if I decided to move away. If I lived a couple of hours away I don't think I'd see any of friends more or less than I do at the moment.

She does seem less invested. But this could be due to being busy/distracted. If you value the friendship I would continue as you are and accept it for what it is (nothing ever stays the same)

If it's affecting you then you could pull back on the friendship too .

I think I didn't explain myself well at all. It wasn't the idea of moving away it was the way my friend explained the situation to me and there was no suggestion of meeting up/ coming to stay/ excitement about it it's hard to explain. She told me in a matter of fact way and didn't talk about the friendship continuing after she had gone as she would have before. Lots of other friends have moved countries, and of course, I'm happy for them, but for this old friendship, it felt a bit odd again hard to put the finger on.

The friendship has been going for 30 years so I am reluctant to cut it off but it has changed and I am not sure if it will continue but will probably go along for the meeting to see how things are and then decide what to do.

I am starting to wonder whether my friend has been depressed this year, which would explain some of the changes, but I won't know that until we meet.

In which case I'd give her a chance over time but match her effort. It would be a shame to lose a good friend, especially if she's struggling.

This is true thanks.