What to do about oldest friendship

[MerrimentMeadows]

Just up in the night wondering what to do.

I have a very old friendship, the only one I have that goes back to my school days and for many years I would have called this person my best friend. We used to holiday together, we have lived together in the distant past, we have always confided in each other and she is the one person I thought would always be around.

However over the past few years I've slowly realised that my friend doesn't really feel the same way about the friendship and now I'm not sure how to go about things moving forwards.

Firstly friend let's call her Sonja, wanted to move abroad to live and her and her family really looked into this and tried to get their employers to agree to this because they work from home. They wanted to move to Finland from Germany. I was gutted because I knew I wouldn't see my friend much anymore but that wasn't something my friend had considered, I don't think. So that was a clue.

Then this year things have felt off - whatsapp messages go unread for weeks then when read it takes many more weeks for her to reply to them. We did talk about going away together but the few times I've made suggestions Sonja has just completely ignored them. Sonja also forgot about our birthdays this year which was unusual.

We are meant to be meeting soon but I feel really flat about it and I'm not sure if I want to tbh. It just feels as though the friendship has been downgraded by my friend and I'd be better off investing in my local friendships. Or certainly taking a step back to energy match with sonja.

To add to this we live some distance away from each other - couple of hours drive away - so we usually only see each other 3 or 4 times a year anyway But this year it has only been once at the beginning of the year.

My options seem to be as follows:

1. Go to the meet up and just enjoy it for what it is but stop considering friend in the same way as before. This feels like the easiest option to carry out.

1. Not bother going to the meet up as friendship is no longer what it was.

1. Go to the meet up and talk to friend about the fact the friendship feels more distant. Feels like I shouldn't have to do this as I have always said you judge people on their actions and people do what they want to do so look at what they do and act accordingly.

This is part of growing up and pursuing our own lives - we don't always grow in the same direction. It can be really difficult and hurts sometimes.

I'd just go along and take it from there. Maybe you'll find you don't enjoy her company as much any more? A lot of what we do is out of habit.

I have some childhood friendships that dwindled for years. With some, we haven't spoken in years except for Christmas and birthday messages but then come back to each other. The friendship is always different because we're in different places in our lives and have experienced different things, but the core reason we were friends in the first place is still there and so is the love. So times we just need room to grow.

Personally I would let the friendship just drop. It really doesn’t sound like she places any value on it anymore. Life is like that.

Yes this is how I feel too.

Not as I have valued it for sure and I think less than she used to. That's why I posted because at this point I'm happy to walk away but don't know whether I'd live with regret.

Long term friendships are very important to our happiness, I think. Someone who has known you forever - I would not be quick to let that go. Things ebb and flow and she may be at a time where she doesn't need you as much but that may change back. I do think not answering messages etc can easily be a sign of stress or depression and you should factor that in too.

This friendship has evolved and changed in a way you are not comfortable with. I would try and avoid acting hastily in response to this hurt. think you should go to the meet but respond to your friend with the same energy as her. The fact she’s driving a couple of hours means she values the friendship but just maybe not as intensely as you do. Your OP comes across as intense and I wonder if your friend is taking a step back from this. I think you’d regret not attending the meet as it sounds like your friend wants to redefine the friendship rather than end it. Rather than cutting her out I’d try and invest in other friendships equally but keep investing in this one as it now is.

The friendship has actually made me feel quite sad this year tbh but I will probably go along and see her but hoing forwards not consider her a best friend more of an old frame. If I reframe the situation then I think maybe it is okay.

For those saying I've been intense on this thread thank you but a friendship of 30 years is a lot to lose yet has made me sad this year so yes maybe that sounds intense. Also there is rhe language barrier as I am German so maybe a bit more direct I do not know. But I have been in pain about the friendship recently and wondering what to do. In person I do not speak like this trust me! Just wanted to get the point across quickly so it sounds intense.

I have been ebbing and flowing with the friendship over 30 years I should also say but this year seemed to feel different and not so friendly back towards me. I feel a bit disrespected and as though the friendship does not have as much value to the other friend so I am hurt but I will probably go to the meet up and see how it is. If there is bad health or depression or something else then all of this will make more sense.

I understand how you feel OP. I have been having similar thoughts about an old friendship of 30 years. In my case my friend distanced herself after visiting for a long weekend a few years ago. I phoned to try and find out why but she denied there was a problem. However, messages from her dwindled and are just on birthdays now. I feel sad, disappointed and confused like you! I do think that in modern life the reliance on technology to keep in touch really doesn't support maintaining good, solid friendships! Like you say, it's really hard to figure out what is going on from occasional messages with long delays in responding. It used to be so much better when people just picked up the phone for a nice, long natter!! I think you should meet your friend this time and you will be able to tell alot from how she behaves towards you. I hope you are pleasantly surprised!

Thank you. I hope you can see your friend again too. Its hard isn't it when you think a very old friend will always be around. Especially when you don't really know what they are thinking. I'm sort of at the point that I could walk away if it is going to continue to be like this in the future as its not worth it and I have other friends to focus on and my family of course. I will have the meet up and see.

Very long term friendships usually have lapses and surges in intensity. Accept this and enjoy when you're with her.

Of course it's upsetting if your closest friend from childhood (i.e. the person who's been there and, naturally, you trust and hope will be there always — and you for them — through thick and thin) doesn't seem to give a thought to seeing you less if she moves abroad.

The people here suggesting otherwise are probably not the sort of people to have such friendships with!

However, it could be that she did think of you, but didn't mention it (especially if you didn't either). Sometimes things go without saying, if a friendship is close. Similarly, sometimes in a close friendship we assume we're as close even if we don't get round to responding to messages for ages because we're so busy.

I'd go to the meet up and just ask if anything's wrong — in a tactful way. Perhaps she's been stressed or busy.

I'd be hurt by your thought of not going, if I were a close friend who'd been a bit quieter recently. It's unlikely she wants to end the friendship if she's agreed to meet up, after all.

If she has felt off with you recently, give her a chance to say why, see if you've upset her unintentionally?

Yes I will do this. I have detached a bit already tbh but would like to know she is okay and that there is nothing wrong.

I think you came across some horrible posters early on OP but some more helpful answers latterly .

It does seem like your friend has pulled away tbh and her life has taken other directions . If it was me I'd wait and see if she contacts you with any suggestions for a meet up etc . If she doesn't I think the friendship is over which does happen .

Option 1 would be my choice. Friendships change over time and if you've not been connecting as you used to you don't know what trials and tribulations she has been going through. You have a long history together though, and many memories of times that you shared in the past so l think those are worth treasuring and remembering. See how the meet up goes and how you feel afterwards. You may well regret it if you don't go.

Agreed! Some posters in the early hours missed my intention I think.

Friend has pulled away which is fine and her decision and I wouldn't want to stop her doing that if that is what she wants. Also I don't agree with keeping friends around for the sake of it so if it has run its course I can accept that and move on too.

Friend has ignored my attempts to meet up this year but last week asked to meet up so we are meeting up next weekend. But if it was the other way around she may well have ignored the suggestion!

So anyway, we are where we are. Will play it by ear next week. I do care about her and am a bit worried maybe she is not well / has some financial difficulty but I think it is more that she doesn't feel she needs to put effort into the friendship as it is an old one you dip in and out of and I do get that but the feeling has changed and am not sure she is happy to hear from me particularly these days from the messages we have had, or hasn't been this year I don't think.

Exactly. My closest friend and I have moved all around the world, often living on different continents, without it affecting the friendship— we never had to say ‘Of course we’ll still be in touch when I move to Iceland’ because it was never in doubt!

Obviously you’re in a different situation, OP, if your usual level of communication has tailed off, but I agree with @pinkdelight — there’s no reason to end a friendship if you still value this person’s presence in your life. It’s actually a bit strange too me that you’re even contemplating it. Are you actually saying ‘Unless you prioritise me, I’m not going to be your friend any longer’?

If messages go unread for weeks and then no response to then and I suggest meet ups and don't get a response then yep I'd say it wasn't that close a friendship really or the vibes are that they don't really want to meet up or see you. When sonja gets in touch with me I do reply usually in the same week as I would with my other friends. But it's more subtle than that really after all these years you do know someone and whether they are happy to hear from you or not I guess the only other option is she is not happy generally or there is something else.

I think I get how you felt about her moving to Finland. Was it more that you felt she was going without a backward glance, than that you felt you should have been taken into consideration when she made her decision? Some acknowledgment that she’d miss you? Without her saying anything like that you must have felt a bit devalued and as contact from her has dwindled you must feel discarded.

Other people might not feel that way. Maybe they are better people entirely putting other people first and never feeling “needy” in anyway. Or maybe they are shallow and don’t feel the same way about their friends. Maybe they are egocentric and cannot accept other peoples’ feelings that are different to their own are also valid.

Although you are asking for advice on how you should handle your situation, I hope you will take the comments about your feelings with a pinch of salt.

Could it be that initially the practicalities of the move meant putting you on hold and then the excitement of establishing her family in their new home were understandably her priority, which would be more complicated as it was a different country? Then once that time had passed she may have felt awkward about effectively saying, ok I have time for you now.

If that’s possible then maybe draw a line under it and go visit with the expectation that once you’re face to face again the distancing will be water under the bridge and you will be able to put your friendship back on its old footing.

There was a dream of a new better life away from Germany and they have relatives in Finland so know the country and wanted to try a new life there. Sonja and her husband were understandably upset that their employers would not let them move and work from home from Finland. So the dream did not become a reality and as far as I know they haven't planned any further moves although there is another city in Germany they could move to work wise.

I think I wasn't upset about the move itself of course but more the lack of mention of our friendship continuing after they had moved and also maybe about being part of the life they wanted to get away from! Which is probably me being oversensitive but to be honest I only really have thought this since looking back on the past year or two and seeing the change in things and change in contact between us and yes as you have mentioned, feeling a little discarded. I probably wouldn't have read into it if I felt that our friendship was still strong! I have realised there has been a shift and a reduction in the friendship and I can date it back to the discussion about moving. What Sonja and her husband decide to do for their family of course is up to them and I want them to be happy wherever they go. So hopefully this will not be misunderstood :) I just wanted to provide the extra context. It was a shock to hear a) they had applied to move and they hadn't mentioned it yet (not that I should be part of the decision) and b) no mention of you will have to come and see us in Finland, of course I will miss you etc. Again maybe me expecting too much and maybe that was implied but since then the lack of contact makes me wonder.

But then it’s not to do with her moving abroad at all, it’s just that she’s tailed off in responses. People’s mileage will vary as to what’s normal. If my closest friend messages me, it would be rare for me not to reply immediately if I’m not in the middle of something at work, certainly within a few hours. But it’s not a catch-up/my news type of message — it might be something that just happened she knows will amuse me, or a random thought about a novel we both know by heart.

Exactly, much more about the responses have dropped off. The move was a red herring in this thread and just provides another example of this tailing off.

Ah. I misunderstood. Maybe contact her and be direct. Ask if the change in communication is because of something going on with her, something you’ve done to tick her off or if your friendship has just run its course (as some do).

Chances are you won’t get a straight answer though because she could have told you any of that already. But it might make you feel better to have tried to find out what’s caused the change.

But if there’s nothing else going on and she is giving you the slow fade for whatever reason she might use you pushing for an explanation as an excuse to give you a swift boot and an earful to cut you out completely.

Thank you yes I think I will ask some open ended questions to give her a chance to say if I've done something although I've wracked my brain and really can't think of anything it could be unless she has just gone off me!