Emotional cheating or inappropriate messages?

[Hoppy34]

I could probably count on one hand how many times I’ve checked my husbands phone over the 14 years we’ve been together. He works away during the week and I’ve always trusted him.

However, certain things led to me being suspicious about a certain “friend” of his and I decided to read his messages with her.

It isn’t a daily back and forth conversation. It appears that one of them (usually my husband 🙄) replies to one of her instagram stories (yeah, he’s THAT guy) and they have a couple of messages back and forth about this.

However I did read some inappropriate messages. She posted a picture of herself (to Instagram stories) wearing a short dress and my husband replied telling her to “put some pants on 😂”….
They then had some mild flirting, her mainly sending laughing emojis in response to his more pervy messages and then him telling her to tidy her room (from the pic).
She told him to stop being so obsessed, he replied “what with….you? 😉” and she replied “me and my room”. To which he responded “busted”.
End of conversation.

I scrolled up and read a few others which again was him crossing the line from banter to inappropriate flirting and he mentioned how he “always compliments her”. I didn’t have chance to scroll up any further. I found no messages to meet / naked pics etc etc.

I’ve confronted him. He’s “very very sorry” 🥱 claims not the fancy her, it’s all jokes but realises he crossed the line, he doesn’t know why blah blah blah.

I just don’t know where I stand on this. Would this be classed as an emotional affair or is it just him trying to get a bit of attention elsewhere?
I’ll never excuse this behavior but I think it’s necessary to add our relationship isn’t the best. There is no real intimacy/ affection, especially from me. I guess after a week of being alone single parenting & working I just can’t be bothered and he puts no effort into it either. He just comes home does his own thing and expects a shag still.

I just feel so conflicted. Is this enough to end a 14 year marriage when children are also involved? Can the trust be rebuilt ? Do I even want to is another story.

Just based off those messages it’s impossible to say really whether it’s just attention seeking/flirting or an emotional affair, but the line has been crossed either way. Only you can decide if you want to move past it, personally I wouldn’t want to turn into a wife who will then always feel the need to check his messages, not trust him when he’s home late or working away etc, the anxiety will drive you crazy and if anything he will just get more sneaky and cover his tracks better so you don’t find them again. I’m sorry x

From your perspective I think this incredibly disrespectful and hurtful. I'd be looking for a break in the relationship at the very least.

From the other woman's perspective he sounds like an irritating letch

It's not beyond saving if you both are willing to work on it. Are you? Have you asked him what he wants?

It depends what he's otherwise like. If he's a really decent guy who's always treated you well and you're always rejecting him sexually, then I'd be looking at how to make this work. It's absolutely bloody horrible being rejected - it's very damaging.

If he's an entitled man who thinks he can put no effort into a relationship and still have sex, then I'd let him get on with it. If this woman is single then I'd imagine they're communicating a lot more, given your husband is working away from home.

@Hoppy34, in my marriage, that sort of inappropriate line crossing would be considered infidelity. He and this OW appear to be emotionally close and their sexual frisson is obvious. He’s lying when claiming that he doesn’t fancy her.

Do you know this woman? I’m wondering if she knows he’s a married man with children, as he certainly doesn’t act married in his chat.

He is also acting single elsewhere. I’ve read your other current thread regarding your total absence from his SM. Stories and photos of the children and his activities are posted daily, but you are nonexistent. He is blatantly wanting to appear single. When you challenged him, he laughed that ‘Everyone knows we’re married.’ I beg to differ. He works away all week, so plenty of people in that location will have no clue that he has a Wife. He can easily lead a double life.

You have also written threads about his verbal/emotional abuse of you. You walk on eggshells because he belittles and mocks you, making you feel small, stupid and boring — in private and in public. He also makes crude jokes about you in front of others. What a terrible relationship model your children are witnessing.

When he arrives home on Fridays, he doesn’t even speak to you for 20 minutes or so, and mostly stays on his phone or only wants to talk about himself and his hobbies/DIY. Although you manage the children and all responsibilities during the week, plus working, he never asks how you are or how your week went. He also gives you the silent treatment (more abuse) when displeased, especially when you don’t want sex. In my view, @Hoppy34, why would you ever want sex with such a nasty piece of work?

Back to this ‘friend’ of his, something illicit is going on between them. He is not emotionally monogamous and is unlikely physically faithful when away. He pursues other women, and, as his messages show, he’s quite the player.

Enough is enough, @Hoppy34. He’s stealing your agency, robbing your peace of mind, and probably risking your health. He’s both cruel and untrustworthy. You’ve previously considered divorcing him. I would make an exit plan asap and do just that.

I posted on your other thread OP about your DH presenting himself as a single man in his Social media. I assume these messages you talk about here are the ones you refer to in that thread.

Even if he says he doesn't fancy this woman he obviously does. These are not appropriate messages for a married man or any man in a committed relationship.
It is in effect cheating. Whether he has physically cheated on you yet you obviously don't know but that he wants to is blatantly obvious.

I'm sorry OP but I don't think there is much future in your marriage unless you are prepared to be totally disrespected by this man.

@Hoppy34 I have just seen that you posted about your husband in July 2022 saying you weren't happy. And again in 2023. Twice....

You've had so many replies telling you to leave.

I think - with kindness - you need to start making decisions for your own life rather than posting and asking stangers for advice.

You haven't been happy for years and this is just a new addition to a mountain of problems that you've listed in other posts.

I can’t find a post from 2022 (don’t suppose you could tag me in it so it appears on my feed? It’s not in my threads in my account) but you are probably correct. It has been going on for some time and I guess I post to try and justify my reasoning behind wanting to leave. I overthink things and then talk myself out of it thinking “oh well at least he’s not that bad…”. We talk, things get better so I plod on for a bit longer and then all the issues rise again.

I’ve got a meeting booked with a counselor which is probably something I should have done a while back also.

thanks for replying 😊

I don’t know her personally but she does know he’s married and has children as he’s known her a long time back to when he did used to share pictures of me on SM. She is also married with children.

I think from her perspective it’s mild flirting and she probably likes the attention, it’s him that is overstepping the mark.

Thankyou for taking the time to read all my previous messages, you are right it’s been going on for a long time and I need to stop burying my head in the sand. Even without the messages, I think this relationship has been dead in the water for some time and I am just wasting my life waiting for it to get better. He is who he is.

I have a session booked with a counselor which I should arranged some time back but the wheels are now in motion.

Hi OP I don't think there is a kind way to put this. IMO your DH is gaslighting you to make you stay.

How sorry was he?

He is only nice enough to keep you hooked and nothing more. He clearly doesn't respect your marriage or women in general.

This probably isn't an isolated incident.

What do you want? You could continue with this mediocre illusion and continue to 'exist' or you could get out and move on.

The fact that you have been mulling over it for years tells me you are waiting for it to get 'bad enough'. It won't, your DH is practiced in this game.

Have you got DC? Are you stuck? It sounds like you want permission to be angry. You can do what ever you want and you do not need a reason or permission.

Looking for answers and advice is a start

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4587457-is-there-more-to-life

I feel sad for you that you've been unhappy for over 2 years. That's a long time! I personally wouldn't want it to get to 5, 10 years plus because you'll have then wasted a big chunk of your adult life when you could be alone / dating / with someone else who makes you happy....

I would consider his behaviour inappropriate and disrespectful. Not here really based on her replies … seems like she’s trying to get rid of him.

He is obviously wanting attention and seeing who will bite. Have seen above he is displaying himself as single on social media - absolutely not okay. You are married, so does he define you as committed or not and if he does he should recognise that.

The lack of affection and sex though is a huge issue in my opinion (for both of you) that inevitably leads to disconnect and lack of intimacy.

All respationships have hurdles, you need to weigh up whether the pros outweigh the cons. However you need to be clear that inappropriate behaviours and stating he is single need to stop if he wants to save it. Joint counselling would probably help.

Feels like you have deeper issues with your marriage than the flirty messages, sounds like you both have already given up, living individual lives, no intimacy. Would suggest you need to decide if there is anything worth saving for the sake of kids, or whether a clean break would be better.

Haven't read all the replies but from your first post I'd be absolutely fucking fuming at this ikky attention seeking behaviour from your "OH".
It's not an emotional affair unless she is going along with really full packed conversation that's constant, a bit sickening and he isn't who he is normally, such as more attentive with her.
This sounds like him trying his best for attention with someone else and I don't think she will be the only one he's fishing for! Sounds like he would like it from anybody who would flirt back! He should be putting effort into you! Maybe then you'd be a bit more arsed to try with him!

Get some self worth and bin the tosser. One thing I regret is putting up with so much shit in my 20s and most of my 30s, when I should have walked and life would be so different and better. So take advice for thought x

Forget the counselling. Book an appointment with a solicitor and get yourself out of this marriage.
Your threads are heartbreaking.
Their replies should give you the strength to know you will have a better, happier life for you and your children without this ‘man’ and his abusive behaviour.

Just get on with it. Enough procrastination and Mumsnetting.

I agree with previous poster: your marriage seems to be a sad thing and you've been unhappy and disrespected for a long time. Maybe it's time think about the rest of your life. I wish you all the best, no one deserves to be treated like this.

Sorry I did not quote the right message

Yuck… honestly from the way I read her responses it feels like she’s even just like “yeh… thanks… anyway” which tbh is even worse. You might have missed some bits but it really sounds very one sided and kinda like he’s that creepy guy she knows that she has to be polite to but isn’t really interested. It’s like finding out someone tried to cheat but nobody replies.

She doesn't seem to be interested!

Tho if she was I'd say your hubby would have no problem exchanging pictures.

Is there any other ones too anyone else?

Urgh… she is not that interested. She is not your problem.

He's fishing. And I doubt this is his first time.

You deserve better

It’s not an emotional affair but probably only due to her lack of interest. IMO it’s as bad as that, him being so desperate with her is making my skin crawl.

had a similar but more mild situation with my DH and we did work through it but it still stings 2 years on if I give it too much head space.