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Original poster

Ex s !

44 replies

Angran1 · 11/09/2024 14:41

how would you deal with an EX fiance - friend that your partner has that you are not comfortable with them having messages with..
they know your not ok with it
..but they have been an ex for over 20 yrs....

OP posts:
Psychoticbreak · 12/09/2024 17:04

How long are you with the person?

Original poster
Angran1 · 12/09/2024 19:51

4 years theyve been ex,s for 20 yrs ..

OP posts:
Whatisyourfavouriteflower · 12/09/2024 20:04

Have they been messaging all through your relationship or have they just got back in contact with each other?
If your partner knows you aren't comfortable about it I take it you've had a conversation about it?

Clementine22 · 12/09/2024 20:08

If they don’t share kids or a house there’s really no reason for them to maintain contact.

If you feel it undermines your relationship then express this to him and it’s then down to him to decide what he values more.

I hate all this immature BS about “we are just friends etc etc” at the end of the day if you once had a sexual / romantic relationship with someone and it has ended you shouldn’t be dabbling around in each others lives and should healthily move on.

Original poster
Angran1 · 12/09/2024 20:28

theyve always app been in contact since their relationship ended...he was married to another person after...and they stayed friends then too....we have had more than words about it..i dont feel confortable at all about it. i was told initially she was a friend..no issues...then it came out she was an ex....then they had almost married...guaranteed a long time ago...when he seperated from his wife,she asked him ' as a friend" to move in...before my time ....but it adds to my suspicion....he says im over reacting.....

OP posts:
Whatisyourfavouriteflower · 12/09/2024 20:41

It sounds as though they are very emotionally involved with each other OP.
They have a lot of history with each other. I totally understand why you aren't happy with his contact with her.

The problem is you can't make him stop messaging her or contacting her. You can only ask him to stop the contact with her or draw back from his relationship with her. If he isn't willing to do that then your only options really are to put up with it or to end your relationship with him.

It's very difficult for you OP.

Clementine22 · 12/09/2024 20:46

Angran1 · 12/09/2024 20:28

theyve always app been in contact since their relationship ended...he was married to another person after...and they stayed friends then too....we have had more than words about it..i dont feel confortable at all about it. i was told initially she was a friend..no issues...then it came out she was an ex....then they had almost married...guaranteed a long time ago...when he seperated from his wife,she asked him ' as a friend" to move in...before my time ....but it adds to my suspicion....he says im over reacting.....

You aren’t overreacting, it’s making you uncomfortable and rightly so.

It is difficult because only you know if it’s a deal breaker for you or not, some people are okay with stuff and others aren’t. Personally I don’t think it’s healthy.

thursdaymurderclub · 12/09/2024 20:47

Im friends with my ex! i've married and he has also married... we've know each other about 20 years now! He gave me away at my wedding...

I do admit, his wife doesn't like me, and i do know that he keeps contact with me away from her, we have had words about it.

my husband is fully aware we are still friends, has no issue with us meeting up for coffee and a catch up every so often. we text each other on a daily basis.

the only difference between your situation and mine is.. my husband is not the jealous type, is not threatened by this friend and trusts me 100%.

i also say you are over reacting... ex's can be friends, and be just that! friends

Clementine22 · 12/09/2024 20:49

thursdaymurderclub · 12/09/2024 20:47

Im friends with my ex! i've married and he has also married... we've know each other about 20 years now! He gave me away at my wedding...

I do admit, his wife doesn't like me, and i do know that he keeps contact with me away from her, we have had words about it.

my husband is fully aware we are still friends, has no issue with us meeting up for coffee and a catch up every so often. we text each other on a daily basis.

the only difference between your situation and mine is.. my husband is not the jealous type, is not threatened by this friend and trusts me 100%.

i also say you are over reacting... ex's can be friends, and be just that! friends

If he needs to hide your contact from his wife then that’s hardly an indication it’s healthy is it.

Lovemusic82 · 12/09/2024 20:54

If he wanted to be with her surely he would have got with her after splitting with his wife? They have known each other for 20 years and have had plenty of opportunities to get together and haven’t?

I can see why you don’t like it. I do have a few friends who are ex’s but no one I have been in a long relationship with. I’m not sure how I would feel it you have been with him for 4 years, if it was a issue then you could have left him a long time ago.

thursdaymurderclub · 12/09/2024 20:58

Clementine22 · 12/09/2024 20:49

If he needs to hide your contact from his wife then that’s hardly an indication it’s healthy is it.

Show quote history

correct.. but thats his problem not mine. i do no keep his secret for him.

Original poster
Angran1 · 12/09/2024 21:14

hiding contact is a big deal and is not healthy...i most certainly would have an issue with daily contact thats more than friends ! im not jealous at all..
.of what ???...im guarded...i dont know that woman, i dont know her intentions, why still hang on i cant understand how you seperate a broken relationship...into a friendship....without potential of future hope ???......there is my issue....trust him totaly...
not her.....

OP posts:
thursdaymurderclub · 12/09/2024 21:18

Angran1 · 12/09/2024 21:14

hiding contact is a big deal and is not healthy...i most certainly would have an issue with daily contact thats more than friends ! im not jealous at all..
.of what ???...im guarded...i dont know that woman, i dont know her intentions, why still hang on i cant understand how you seperate a broken relationship...into a friendship....without potential of future hope ???......there is my issue....trust him totaly...
not her.....

you clearly don't trust him. i guess all you can do it talk to him, explain to him how the friendship makes you feel and why you don't trust her and why you think she will lure him away from you? you've been with him for 4 years, has he done anything with her in those 4 years? i'm fairly sure if anything was going on he would have had plenty of opportunities over the past 20 years..

Original poster
Angran1 · 12/09/2024 21:44

as i said..i trust him...but not her, its the unknown other person isnt it ....and somebody...another woman who your partner has messages with....not a nice thought...! youl never truely know the content of those messages you trust what you are told that they are friend messages. i have no reason to disbelive him however im unconfortable still.....i.dont believe any ex should be in contact unless circ that dictate necessary.....this i dont think fits that....sorry blatently. ex,s are that for a reason..

OP posts:
Starspangledbanner7 · 12/09/2024 21:54

thursdaymurderclub · 12/09/2024 20:47

Im friends with my ex! i've married and he has also married... we've know each other about 20 years now! He gave me away at my wedding...

I do admit, his wife doesn't like me, and i do know that he keeps contact with me away from her, we have had words about it.

my husband is fully aware we are still friends, has no issue with us meeting up for coffee and a catch up every so often. we text each other on a daily basis.

the only difference between your situation and mine is.. my husband is not the jealous type, is not threatened by this friend and trusts me 100%.

i also say you are over reacting... ex's can be friends, and be just that! friends

Why is it so important for you to maintain daily contact with him when you know he has a wife who dislikes you and isn’t happy about it? Daily contact is excessive also, you must be very emotionally attached. Well good for you that your husband is just fine with it, but his wife isn’t is she, and you should do the right thing as you’ve no right to be such a presence in his life when she’s so unhappy about it

Original poster
Angran1 · 12/09/2024 22:11

Starspangledbanner7 · 12/09/2024 21:54

Why is it so important for you to maintain daily contact with him when you know he has a wife who dislikes you and isn’t happy about it? Daily contact is excessive also, you must be very emotionally attached. Well good for you that your husband is just fine with it, but his wife isn’t is she, and you should do the right thing as you’ve no right to be such a presence in his life when she’s so unhappy about it

Show quote history

id totally agree with you on that ! this is exactly what im talking about ....a third person in a relatuonship where they are not wanted !!

OP posts:
Starspangledbanner7 · 12/09/2024 22:34

Angran1 · 12/09/2024 22:11

id totally agree with you on that ! this is exactly what im talking about ....a third person in a relatuonship where they are not wanted !!

Show quote history

Some women need excessive attention from men, and some men need excessive attention from women. They don’t really care about other peoples feelings…. The poster who posted above doesn’t care that she’s an emotional vampire in daily contact with someone else’s husband, she doesn’t care that this is burden to his wife, therefore putting a strain on his marriage, and that he is now lying to his wife in order to maintain contact….some people just can’t help themselves

OrangeTeabags · 12/09/2024 22:46

Why are you blaming her : aiming all your upset about it towards her& not your partner?
He's kept the relationship going as much as he has! They are born equally in this friendship aren't they?
Why do you trust him and not her?

Todaysbetterthanyesterday · 12/09/2024 22:47

thursdaymurderclub · 12/09/2024 20:47

Im friends with my ex! i've married and he has also married... we've know each other about 20 years now! He gave me away at my wedding...

I do admit, his wife doesn't like me, and i do know that he keeps contact with me away from her, we have had words about it.

my husband is fully aware we are still friends, has no issue with us meeting up for coffee and a catch up every so often. we text each other on a daily basis.

the only difference between your situation and mine is.. my husband is not the jealous type, is not threatened by this friend and trusts me 100%.

i also say you are over reacting... ex's can be friends, and be just that! friends

Wow you are totally out of order as is he. Even though you claim it’s innocent, it’s not becasue you are both sneaking about keeping secrets from his wife. Poor woman.

Lala87 · 12/09/2024 22:59

I wouldn't feel comfortable with this nor would my fiance. I do have to admit though, we are very much the type of people who say once something is over it's over, no need for contact if no financial ties or children. Off my social media, deleted from my phone. Done and dusted. End of. An ex is an ex for a reason. We are both just like that, we don't demand it from the other. I trust my fiance with my life but I still wouldn't want him in touch with an ex. Let alone DAILY communication. He has female friends, no issue there. But he still doesn't contact them daily. I'm there for that and he's there in return. He should respect your feelings on it IMO. As for a previous poster whose friend doesn't respect his own wife's feelings, is that someone you want to be friends with anyway??? If a "friend" of mine was doing this to her husband I'd really question their integrity and my judgment with regards to picking "friends"

ZanyPombear · 12/09/2024 23:00

Were they together for 20 years or has it been 20 years since they broke up

Original poster
Angran1 · 12/09/2024 23:02

OrangeTeabags · 12/09/2024 22:46

Why are you blaming her : aiming all your upset about it towards her& not your partner?
He's kept the relationship going as much as he has! They are born equally in this friendship aren't they?
Why do you trust him and not her?

im aiming it at her....as i dont know her, or her intentions...call me suspucious....blahhhh... and hes not likely to introduce us is he....interestingly ...i have met her parents tho...awks....for him.....
i have had words with partner over my concerns....and he says its jyst friends....if she was decent...she knows about me..your an ex...behave like one....

OP posts:
Lala87 · 12/09/2024 23:04

Angran1 · 12/09/2024 23:02

im aiming it at her....as i dont know her, or her intentions...call me suspucious....blahhhh... and hes not likely to introduce us is he....interestingly ...i have met her parents tho...awks....for him.....
i have had words with partner over my concerns....and he says its jyst friends....if she was decent...she knows about me..your an ex...behave like one....

Show quote history

So what does your ex want to do? Continue contact and have you suck it up? Or are you important enough that he stops contact. Is that what you want? Are you trying to understand if we think it's unreasonable of you to ask this of him?

Lala87 · 12/09/2024 23:05

Sorry that meant to say what does your partner want to do not ex

Original poster
Angran1 · 12/09/2024 23:06

Lala87 · 12/09/2024 22:59

I wouldn't feel comfortable with this nor would my fiance. I do have to admit though, we are very much the type of people who say once something is over it's over, no need for contact if no financial ties or children. Off my social media, deleted from my phone. Done and dusted. End of. An ex is an ex for a reason. We are both just like that, we don't demand it from the other. I trust my fiance with my life but I still wouldn't want him in touch with an ex. Let alone DAILY communication. He has female friends, no issue there. But he still doesn't contact them daily. I'm there for that and he's there in return. He should respect your feelings on it IMO. As for a previous poster whose friend doesn't respect his own wife's feelings, is that someone you want to be friends with anyway??? If a "friend" of mine was doing this to her husband I'd really question their integrity and my judgment with regards to picking "friends"

this is exactly my feelings too. your an ex leave it there. i have no contact with any ex,s this is another reason i struggle with thus ' friend' ex ...i dont think so....

OP posts: