Ex s !

[Angran1]

how would you deal with an EX fiance - friend that your partner has that you are not comfortable with them having messages with..
they know your not ok with it
..but they have been an ex for over 20 yrs....

Well why would she question his integrity when she doesn’t have any herself, some women get literal kicks out of this kind of stuff, trying to slot themselves into first position in a married man’s life, make the woman miserable as hell, and no doubt talk about her plenty and how pathetic she is in their daily contact.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Especially since some of the history was drip fed to you. I'd question that. I'd let him know you're uncomfortable and talk to him about how you can both move forward together with this problem. You need to feel secure and safe and you don't. You're his present and his future, she's his past. You are what matters

i said i didnt think ut was acceptable that he was making me upset each time she messaged. the one message a week apeared to be more, each time we were together so clearly more often
i am unhappy, but he refuses to give up the friendship insisting its purely that....friends ...i jyst dont know what to suggest....

Very good point!!!!

i dont want to be the petson that says you cant speak to....but this ex needs to sod off

You've told him you're unhappy with the situation, he's refused to change it. So there's your answer really. Your options are suck it up and accept that this ex will always be in his life, or leave. If it's a firm boundary for you then your only option is to leave. Boundaries are something you set for yourself, you can't enforce them on others.

When you say ‘I trust him, but not her’, what does that mean, exactly? Unless you think she’s going to rape him, nothing can happen unless he’s a willing participant. So, if you think something is going to happen, you don’t trust him.

You and your DP clearly aren’t on the same page about this. You’ve made your feelings known and he’s made his position clear. Your options are now either to accept it, or decide it’s a dealbreaker and break up.

Well, I'm clearly off kilter here, because I read this thread and thought
"Wow! So you want a partner with no history, no previous lived experience at all?"

But obviously, no one thinks like I do, so I'll move away.

Except to say... @Angran1 .... you clearly love an ellipsis... don't you....

What would upset me is not the friendship but the lack of inclusion in it.
That sets alarm bells ringing for me.
I'm friends with an ex.. and my best friend is a guy I've known since my teens..
Both of them know my husband. Both of them I have invited my husband to almost every meeting up with. He has come to some and not others. I also know their partners well and we all hang out as a group.
I would not be OK with being excluded from a friendship my DH had with someone.
The ex part would be irrelevant to me as exes can be friends (after time). But the secrecy is not okay. It's disrespectful. If you are important to him and this other woman is also important to him then you should have met and been introduced. And you should all be able to spend time together. As it stands he's pitting you against each other. It's disrespectful.

sychronidedwitches...i like your thinking. the secrecy is not acceptable and that is how it is now.... il suggest this to him....after all whats the harm in meeting a friend ? ...

i understand he has a history, likewise do i...
i do not carry across my ex s into this relationship and have message sesssions with them however, there be the difference. i have no contact with my ex,s they are that...done
i have no issues with a past...if it were not persistant and interfering in our present
get out your time is gone ! This is our time
but she persists.....and he knows in our time when she messages it upsets me..
im sorry but 3 in any relationship friend pertaining or not...is not good and i dont pretend it is...

how would i deal im this exact circ

...as ive asked him to do

message her to say.my partner is uncomfortable with our messaging, so i wont be messaging and id appreciate you dont either.

or as somebody suggested earlier i now ask to be introduced to.this ' friend' ...is that wrong?

i know if the shoe was on the other foot, im sorry my partner comes first

Maybe I'm the odd one here - but this relationship existed way before you and he got together if it's been going on for 20 years.

I think it's unreasonable for you to ask him to stop it after all this time. I
I think you should explain your feelings around it and ask to get to meet her/get to know her too.

If you genuinely trust him I don't see the problem because, even if the ex has other intentions, if your partner hasn't and totally respects you then it's fine. He is his own person, he can't be forced into anything with her.

I think on some level you don't actually trust him & feel insecure in your relationship and you are putting this on her instead.

Those with jealous, insecure personalities will not like any contact with an ex-partner. I see no problem with the occasional check-in if both parties split amicably.

Mate guarding is normal, but being overly concerned with your partner's activities isn't healthy. I also can't entirely agree with "do as I say or I'll leave" either. It's controlling and driven wholly by an overactive imagination.

Ultimately, your boundary isn’t unreasonable, but nor is his.

You can say what you require from him to remain in the relationship (not messaging her) but he can also say that he requires autonomy over his friends and when and whom he messages.

If your boundaries don’t match, one of you has to compromise or you have to split up. Neither of you are being unreasonable here but people have different ideas of what is and isn’t ok on a relationship.

I understand your issue, my dp is good friends with his ex but they share a child so it has the benefit of a good Co parenting relationship which I'm all for. I don't always like it but I appreciate the benefit for their dd.

That said, you say you trust him but not her. I think you might be fooling yourself. The only person you need to trust is him, she can do whatever she likes but if you trust him to keep the boundaries in place and not betray your relationship then that's all you need.

its not important to me to maintain contact.. i'm not the one who messages him! i said if you read, i don't keep secrets from his wife.. we are simply friends and have been for a long time. we move in the same social circles.. if it was a married woman. none of you would have an issue with it... but because its a man, i'm the issue?

My line in this is if they are friends -
You would be included. They would be invited to your home in your presence and in the Christmas card list. There would be no secrecy.

Absolutely no tolerance for covert friendships.

You're not the only one @RockyRogue1001 . Me and DP both have friends who are ex's. I don't see the issue. If I wanted to be in a relationship with them, we wouldn't have split up in the first place!