Do dysfunctional families implode/explode at some point?

[lolaflores]

Basic outline is I am one of 4 siblings. 1 DB 2 Ds. Out DF died aged 35. We were all under 10. I am 56 now and 2nd eldest.

I have 2 kids and eldest has a LO.
My mother even at 81 is very active.
2 sisters live close enough. DB not.

Since about Xmas, everyone is having rows/Fallings out/bust ups with one another and then fighting is reaching the point where I don't know if we could all be in the same room together. Funnily enough we all have backgrounds in social care

So do we just all go about our lives and say "that's that I guess" as no one seems willing to listen to one another. DM has been a difficult person down the years and as she ages she is unpredictable and often very offensive and isn't a calming influence and can't be reasoned with. I can't find the emotional or mental energy to find a way forward or get people to talk. There are all the birthdays and Xmases to come and I dread it.

This is a great question. I can only answer anecdotally. Mine did explode, and then reunited. My elderly parents separated, after having been always unhappy and awful to live with, and my siblings took sides. I refused to participate, so when my parents reunited, so did my siblings without me. So the family unit keeps functioning like it did before, but sans me, which I like.

To be honest, I cannot understand why they want to stay in contact. They all have strange individual relationships with one another, a kind of interdependence, but they also do not like or trust each other at all. Not even a love-hate relationship.

Edited-spelling

Great question. I guess it depends on the level of dysfunction. If everyone sticks to their assigned roles in a dysfunctional family, I think they can just rattle on unawares.

When 1 or more members start to realise how utterly f"ed up it is, what their role and other roles are, things tend to get messy and implosion may result!

After years of counselling and denial I realised I am in a narcissistic family cult. I can't bare it any more. Once someone wakes up to that the ripple effects are quite profound.

Very Interesting question! My family imploded when the scapegoat walked away ( they had no one to blame then).

I am a scapegoat who walked away. You could say there was an implosion, but only between me and my parents. It was bound to happen. Narcissists become more unhinged with age and I was on a healing path. It wasn't going to work. I'm the bad guy (girl) either way.

Wow!
Thanks everyone.
DM is a narc that is ramping up as age makes inroads on her.
I think l would have tried to appease everyone before and made all the efforts necessary and gritted my teeth. But I'm not able anymore

Interestingly I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia 2 years ago. When all this kicked off I had an appalling flare-up and recognised it from the past such conflicts. I think they've had their pund of flesh. I'm not engaging or going to try to find solutions because all the work will be undone again.
As someone above mentioned, the battle starts, the dust clears at the end and it's more or less unchanged.

@lolaflores yes some of us in this dynamic end up with chronic illness. I have a multitude and am now severely impaired. I can't blame everything on that but I do wonder.

I believe it is the empathic, more sensitive family members who wake up and try separate. ( And no you aren't ' too sensitive ' 🤦‍♀️ - a line I will hazard a guess you've heard many a time from your mum. )

Yep.
And as one psychiatrist said to me, " funny how usually only one member of a family ends up in front of me when I have good reason to suspect there's a few others could do with some input".
And if I am in the middle of something then it's cos ... well...you know taps head...
Sp I fully expect for normal service to resume presently

It's true. Sociopathic and narcissistic people put OTHER PEOPLE in therapy.

@Pantaloons99 that's an interesting observation I also grew up in an incredibly stressful environment due to DM poor MH and DF bullying. DB is an alcoholic which I've always blamed on our upbringing but I developed a chronic illness in my 20s which started appearing after a pretty prolonged bout of DF bullying me and DM being his enabler

@Tara336 there is most definitely a cross over and my body can't stand anymore. My world has shrunk to a very limited space and trying to stay well in that is a job on its own.

So for the sake of myself and my own kids I'm not getting into it. Though I am very interested to see where it goes from here.
I've made a concious decision to not get dragged in even though I feel guilty but I think that's latent shame I expect from feeling everything is my fault so my mess to clear up.
Not anymore lads

If you haven't already looked into Yellow rock and Grey rock communication methods, it's pretty helpful in these situations. It gives you some control and disentanglement which you clearly need.

@lolaflores it is genuinely something that's not crossed my mind, it's easy to blame DB alcoholism on our treatment but it does actually make sense that my chronic illness could have been triggered by the stress I was living with. You actually make some really good points (and your psychiatrist saying it'd only ever one family member that attends but. ) I do distance myself from the drama and I did used to unwillingly get drawn back in but I'm older, wiser and too ill to engage with them on anything other then a superficial level now as that's all I can cope with

Another narcissistic family cult here. I am chief scapegoat. One of my many siblings died and the family exploded. Elderly cult leader has ramped up their intolerable behaviour. It's awful.

Two years ago, when I went NC with my mad family, this helped me:

It is well documented that trauma lives in the body and causes autoimmune diseases and similar. I'm totally convinced that a lot of them are stemming from childhood or other traumatic events. Lots of research also that addiction originates in trauma.

Then there is the fact that woman are affected by autoimmune diseases disproportionately and the suspicion that this is rooted in how women have been suppressed etc over centuries by men. It's another kind of generational trauma.

@marshmallowdreams...I'm so sorry you feel so bad. I hope it gets better for everyone. When I see other peoole succeeding in establishing themselves as healthily independent of the mess, it re.inds me I'm not alo e and/or mad.

As kids we can't express ourselves. And then that pattern continues. And if you don't feel safe in the very place that is meant to be the safest well there isn't anywhere it can go

The only way things change is if you change things. The only person you can control the narrative of is yourself. So stop doing whatever you’re doing to deal with the behaviours. Change. Drop the rope. Stop whatever your modus operandi is. Leave them all at it and free yourself.

Have pre prepared phrases and techniques to stay calm so you don’t get pulled in to their shit show.

Absolutely agree.
I'm finding myself so uncomfortable with not doing the usual responsebto all the warfare that I've allowed myself to feel scared at the outcomes.
I can't control any of it and it's up to them to deal with it all.
The blame and aggression will have to fund another place to go.

My partners family have all followed the same pattern. There are splinter groups who begin to ignore the other splinter group. One side becomes mentally healthier by acknowledging the issues, the other side stay bitter and angry and full of blame. Then healthy group have healthy kids who stay away and have good boundaries in place, angry group have kids and the splintering begins afresh.

Yep. You either have the self awareness to take yourself away from the drama or you don’t.

Yes I think they implode eventually. Both mine and DHs were extremely abusive families by any standards. DH’s family have walked away from main abuser and the remaining relationships are completely dysfunctional and fraught.

Mine is hanging by a thread. I’m scapegoat and NC and my parents will get more difficult with age. DSis is now GC but the price on her is enormous (she is massively trauma bonded to my parents and has had a horrendous amount of abuse within the family from a dbro) my other two Dbros are what I suspect is very LC but the most abusive member in the family is also a GC to my narc father, none of the other sibs have anything to do with him.

To reply to the original question: often they don't. The layers of denial and pretending everything's OK just build up. The scapegoat (hello there! 👋) can go NC, and this can allow the others to bond over how difficult and unreasonable she is.

In my experience.

I’m actually interested in those who are still “in it”, do the toxic family members have siblings they no longer speak to? Aunts and Uncles or great aunts and uncles that no one speaks to? That’s the key. DH’s family all have ancient villains and plot twists from decades ago. It’s interesting to see who gets out and how much they thrive after.

My mother has theree brothers and none of them talk to each other. One visits once a week, the others infrequent.

One female cousin out of those went LC yonks ago. I didn't recognise it as LC then. She started to stay away from family gatherings, rarely visited her parents and if she did only for a day even though it was a four hour drive each way. I never knew why (I didn't. Because our parents had fallen out when we were kids and I never had a relationship with her.)

I actually want to speak to her and hear her out, but she sometimes speaks to my brother and I will stay out of this.

Agree with whoever says that many will continue the cycle and of each generation one or two splinter and become aware etc.