Is it always more advantageous to divorce rather than separate? If you chose seperation did that work and why?

[Wills]

Back story: 12 weeks ago I discovered that awful/arsehole H (to be referred to as AH from now on because I can't type DH) was having an affair. He works abroad 6 weeks out of 8, and has done for 11.5 years now. We have 4 kids with the eldest two at University. He could have kept the affair a secret but ended up telling me to 'punish' me because I'd been bad tempered for a few of his visits home (I'd taken on a part-time MSc which was stressing me out so yes I had been bad tempered). We've been married 26 years, together almost 33.

I am, unfortunately, still massively in love with him and were he to show any kind of love towards me and regret at what he's done I'd probably try to work through it. At first I though his lack of regret was a fear of having to give up his job in the Middle East but we've had to come together a couple of times in the last few weeks for our children's sake and can say he's totally cold. He's neither hateful, nor nasty but there's no love there. Yet he still wearing his wedding ring. He wants a separation rather than divorce. When it first came out he said that he still wanted to retire with me but not for another 10 to 15 years. The problem I have is that it would be easy for me to just hide from this and not deal with the pain I'm in so I'm pushing to have financial disclosure forms filled in but have just got off the phone to Estate Agents where I lost it a little. I've not worked for 18 years so have zero hope of getting a mortgage and buying him out. Every step I take is scary. But surely it's better to rip the bandaid off?

Our youngest is about to turn 15, I don't have that much time to hide. Why do others choose separation - what advantage does it give you?

There’s no advantage other than to him, because when you just “separate” none of the finances, assets, savings etc get split. He doesn’t have to buy you out, give you any pension or money. By “separating” now and then potentially divorcing in 15 years time he also then protects anything he earns/acquires between now and then because his finances after separation but before divorce are then non-marital assets.

If it’s over, get divorced. Just separating makes things easy and cheap for him, but fucks you over.

OK, that's what I thought yet so many people seem to just get separated.

And to be honest he's not even pushing for separation. He's happy to do nothing, just would like me to stop crying whenever he appears.

Not sure this is true. I used to work in a bank for almost 4 decades and it was the date of separation (not divorce) that Solicitors wanted information (Court enforced sometimes) on that included statements that showed money transfers in and out and the statements often listed the details of where the money went. But it's much more complicated than that. How do you evidence date of separation? Do you or him have an expectation of inherited wealth? Will your 15 year old anticipate higher education? What's both your pensions? Why does he want to srparate but not divorce (because there is some reason, and retiring with you in 10 to 15 years doesn't make sense). And many more questions. I would speak to the best Solicitor you can find

My friend separated and they did a financial separation as well. She was perfectly happy with this.
Years later he asked for a divorce as he wanted to remarry and she was furious as she didn’t want the expense! He never did get married again but they did get divorced.

But nowadays divorce is not that expensive. The expensive part is whether or not the financial splitting up of assets is acrimonious or not.

You’re right, divorce isn’t expensive if it’s straight forward for example if no kids, no assets, or kids & assets but both in agreement from the off. The problems (and expense) creeps in where you both want the house, or he wants to give you 10% pension but you want 50%, they can creep even higher if one wants to sell the house and the other doesn’t etc. If you’re all in agreement with everything then yes divorce can be relatively pain free & cheap, but as soon as you start fighting over division of assets etc the costs shoot up, or where there are children involved and contact orders etc are needed.

We will definitely be fighting over division of assets. I gave up a career in Investment Banking 18 years ago to look after the children who were obviously Neurodivergent. Nearly 12 years ago I could see he was struggling with parenting our kids, ND kids are not always easy. So I agreed to him starting work in the Middle East, but it was only ever supposed to have been for 2 or a max of 3 years. I've been on anti-depressants for the last 8 because he's refused to come home. I could go on but it's not immediately relevant to the question I've asked. He's a self shit - defo. But he seems to think that the split will be 40/60 with 60% going his way. I know the default is 50/50 and I know I have a strong case for more going my way but he's seems clueless about this.

I'm also aware that the only people that will win out of this will be the solicitors but I'm damned if the last 18 years of not earning money, but working incredibly hard raising our beautiful kids will go unrecognised. At the moment I have zero credit ability as I'm not earning.

There were lots of children but that arrangement had been sorted. She had already bought him out of the house and he’d purchased somewhere else.
I don’t really get what her issue was, I know it was going to cost her some money but she couldn’t stay married to him forever.

Yes to making sure your sacrifice of your career and years of childcare get recognised OP! He’s dragging his feet because he doesn’t want to lose half his assets. Get an excellent solicitor and get divorced-your relationship is over and he’s not even trying to reconcile- you deserve a good life, including financial security for you and your children. Good luck!

That's a little weird? Could she have been feeling a sense of power/ownership?

You definitely need a solicitor then, and yes the costs will stack up if it turns into a long fight but lots of solicitors will take payment from your settlement figure so you don’t need the money upfront (some will ask for an amount as an advance to begin with, I know my friend had to pay £200) but then the rest is taken from the settlement. Don’t let the costs put you off fighting for what you are owed though, it will cost you far more to go quietly. Good luck x

Is there any risk if he is spending so much time abroad that he could try to file for divorce there, where splitting of assets could be much less favourable for the non-earning spouse? If so, you should file for divorce in UK asap.

Your financial health needs to be your priority OP , after all you are the one caring for his children. Get some proper advice and file for divorce he will want to protect the money he loves before his family

Ugh, really? I was waiting to file for divorce until he'd filled in the financial disclosures document. I will ask my solicitor if this is a possibility. Thank you

That sounds very hard and he sounds truly awful.
In effect, he abandoned his children.
What a selfish twat.

You need to find a real rottweiler to represent you.
You need to reach out to find a good solid recommendation of someone who gets you and gets your sacrifice.
This is absolutely about getting every penny you can to secure your and your childrens future.

we separated, however, when we did, you couldn't do a no-fault divorce, and he refused to take the blame for being abusive, so i was stuck waiting to be able to file without one or the other of us being at faut.

Now there is no-fault divorce, there is no reason not to. divorce and get rid.

@Wills you may be entitled to more than half as your earning potential will be much lower than his, due to raising your children, and perhaps your health condition.

But how to guarantee I've found a good solicitor? Someone rather powerful happened to buy a weekend cottage near us 11 years ago and we all became friends. He was gutted when he heard the news, via my son who is finding peace by telling everyone he meets about the fact we're splitting up including 3 of our postmen (he's 18 by the way). He reached out to a KC who has made a recommendation. But until the fight starts in earnest how do I know I've got a good solicitor? There's a set of local solicitors that are renown for being vicious, and I approached them first. But the first letter was full of mistakes - not mistakes that were misunderstandings, that I could get, they were grammatically ones and spelling mistakes - and it takes a lot for a dyslexic to spot those. But should I have stuck with them because of the reputation etc? It's such a hard decision.

You haven’t worked in 18 years and presumably your husband is responsible for providing your income. And he’s only around two out of every eight weeks.

Is there any need for him to come home that often? Can you go away when he’s home?

Because honestly, for now at least, it sounds financially advantageous to stay married. You may get half the assets, but you’re going to have to provide for yourself out of that money.

I’d bide my time in your shoes. Not the feminist, strong independent woman POV, but realistically could work to your advantage.

So true - unfortunately. He's not spoken to our son in over 9 days. Our son is 18 but a young 18 iyswim. He's had the last two days off sick due to stomach cramps. I'm concerned it's because I've been crying. Actually I don't want his kids to disown him. My mother insisted on that for me and I lost my dad. Whilst there are loads of examples of incredible people that have survived without a dad or a dad that bothered I desperately don't want my kids to have to do that. But AH is not stepping up. He seems to think that simply earning the money that keeps a roof over their heads is enough to count as a parent. I don't!

Agreed. Personally, given that he has another (potential) 15 years of earning massive amounts, I'd like 80-90% but I've had to accept that is never going to happen. It just pisses me off that I'm having to restart a career 12 years from the minimum retirement age. I have some chronic health issues and just wanted to find a job that would enable him to come back home and find a (albeit lower earning but less stressful) job back home where we could finish raising our kids and look forward to a good and fun retirement together.

This is exactly the point of my original question. Thank you! But once my darling youngest turns 18 my options of financial settlement get far worse according to my solicitor. At that point I'd still get 50/50. Prior to that I'd easily qualify for more.

The point of my original question was to see if waiting works.

OK, warning - I've had almost 3 glasses of wine. I'm heading down an awful spiral of drinking so am going to bed before I have any more. To all those who have responded a deep heartfelt thank you. But to others thinking of responding please please do. I'm trying to learn the best way to approach this.

If only my brain and not my heart were in charge I'd probably make far better decisions. But my heart is still (after 12.5 weeks ffs) running amok. Ugh.

Bu regardless. Thank you all.

Top London family law firms as a starting point: Stewarts Law, Withers, Payne Hicks Beach. They may be able to recommend another firm if you’re not high net worth enough (in a good way, in the sense they’re not trying to rip you off). You can also look up law firms on the SRA website or Chambers and Partners. Or potentially search The Times website.

Interestingly it may benefit you not to divorce for a while, particularly if he has inheritance coming his way in the next 5-10 years. If he isn’t even willing to discuss separation you could also argue the separation date is much later than when you found out about the affair - these things can be nebulous and difficult to prove if nothing materially changes. And the older you are the more difficult it will be for his lawyer to persuade a judge you can just go and get a job instead of getting 50%+ of the marital assets.

OTOH divorcing while you still have kids under 18 might be beneficial in terms of what you can wrangle for maintenance.

Definitely worth getting legal advice as a first step.