Is it always more advantageous to divorce rather than separate? If you chose seperation did that work and why?

[Wills]

Back story: 12 weeks ago I discovered that awful/arsehole H (to be referred to as AH from now on because I can't type DH) was having an affair. He works abroad 6 weeks out of 8, and has done for 11.5 years now. We have 4 kids with the eldest two at University. He could have kept the affair a secret but ended up telling me to 'punish' me because I'd been bad tempered for a few of his visits home (I'd taken on a part-time MSc which was stressing me out so yes I had been bad tempered). We've been married 26 years, together almost 33.

I am, unfortunately, still massively in love with him and were he to show any kind of love towards me and regret at what he's done I'd probably try to work through it. At first I though his lack of regret was a fear of having to give up his job in the Middle East but we've had to come together a couple of times in the last few weeks for our children's sake and can say he's totally cold. He's neither hateful, nor nasty but there's no love there. Yet he still wearing his wedding ring. He wants a separation rather than divorce. When it first came out he said that he still wanted to retire with me but not for another 10 to 15 years. The problem I have is that it would be easy for me to just hide from this and not deal with the pain I'm in so I'm pushing to have financial disclosure forms filled in but have just got off the phone to Estate Agents where I lost it a little. I've not worked for 18 years so have zero hope of getting a mortgage and buying him out. Every step I take is scary. But surely it's better to rip the bandaid off?

Our youngest is about to turn 15, I don't have that much time to hide. Why do others choose separation - what advantage does it give you?

Oh wow, that is incredibly useful. Thank you. That's exactly why I started this thread. I do wonder if, whilst he's earning loads (between 160,000 and 200,000) a year it might not be more beneficial for me to stay quiet and put up.

Thank you

Have you spoken yo him re financual
split? Di you have a good view of assets, eg what he earns, house value, mortgage left, pensions etc,

my own view is actudlly going for a ‘Rottweiler’ solicitor is not always best. They can be antagonistic, combative and raise costs considerably rather than looking for compromises. Of course, that’s not to say you don’t want so done on your side - you do - but any competent solicitor will
do that and you won’t waste thousands in the process on legal fees.

tour contribution to the family will be recognised as equal and you’ll be awarded your fair share of assets they consider this. You will however be expected to work and support yourself going forward unless he’s a very very high earner. 80-90 % of assets is unlikely ) and unfair) but will depend on what assets there are

Divorce now, rather than later. Don't just separate.

With 2? DC still at home, one of them 15 you will probably come out with more than 50% of assets as the main parent/caregiver. You should get child maintenance and a share of his pension amongst other things.

If you leave it until your DC have all grown up and left home and the asswipe has retired you'll get less. And I agree with others, that he's maybe planning on either transferring money abroad or divorcing abroad where he'll do better in the deal.

Stick with the solicitor you've been recommended for now and push the divorce through - if you aren't happy at any point in the financial division you can find someone else. I did. I basically divorced within about 4 months and then it took 4 years to finalise the finances (tricky business with partners etc and it took a lot of sorting out what Ex-DH actually owned) but I dropped the solicitor I originally had for making cautious noises about 'he wasn't sure he could get me that amount' for someone who said, 'Not sure what I can guarantee but we'll go for every single thing we think we are entitled to'.

Also - ex DH fucked about so much that the judge awarded a costs hearing against him. I ran up a bill of £15k and he ran up £25k and the judge ordered him to pay it all because he'd dragged his heels so much.

Good luck, OP - you'll be better off without someone who has treated you like this. Find your anger -you LOVE the man you thought he was, or the man he used to be - not the twat he is in reality.

Child maintenance is only till 18) possibly if in uni but not guaranteed)
you may get a level of spousal support on that earning gs bits it’s likely to be small and time bound to get you on feet ( eg 2 years )
again, if there are enough assets for a clean break to provide for needs that’s what will most likely be awarded as courts look for financial severance as early as is feasibly possible.

@Wills i think she objected to spending any money involving him. He was useless on so many levels (she should never have got together/married him).
But yes I think control and pissed he was planning to remarry. He’s a fairly chaotic and often useless dad.

In that case it’s probably comes down to the maths.

On the one hand…
(% of assets + child maintenance) - cost of supporting yourself

On the other hand…
50% of projected assets in x years

If the cost of supporting yourself leaves you worse off than accepting a 50/50 split once the children are older, then it’s not worth doing.

Another thing to think about. Who is going to house the children over 18?
When we split we had three aged 18-22 who couldn’t afford to live independently but don’t count for financial split.
He took his half and bought a small pretty house in the country near his girlfriend. I bought the only house I could that allowed our DC to have a home in an area that worked for their lives, jobs and friends. Wouldn’t have it any other way but it is a struggle to pay for it all and he didn’t have to find that money. Who will your young adults live with?

This is my worst upset (aside from mourning for the best friend I've lost etc). That at 55 my older 3 kids are technically not considered as needing me to put a roof over their heads.

Are all your marital assets in the uk? I would be wary of him transferring savings/salary/assets abroad where they may not be in the jurisdiction of a UK court.

If you have joint savings, I would be contemplating transferring half (at least) into your name to protect them

I would also start to make copies of all financial information for both if you and keep these somewhere safe.

You say the kids are all neurodiverse? If they aren't capable of independent living or will need parental support for longer, then it won't matter so much that they've turned 18. Check with your solicitor

My solicitor told me that that if you are sure the marriage is dead, there is no advantage to separation. It is best to just divorce and get the best possible settlement. Be prepared though that if he fights, it won't be cheap.

However, I did get practically everything as the Judge was not impressed with his behaviour and lack of respect to the legal process. My ex thought he knew best, didn't have to comply with deadlines, turn up to Court etc, etc.

You do need to be able to hold your nerve, but it was worth it for me on so many levels, not least of which was having the Judge serve my abusive ex his arse on a plate.

I would recommend you work backwards financially to see how much you need without working first, including housing, living expenses for you and children, and how much pension fund you need (probably somewhere between £500-750,000 on current figures). Once you have that, plug a realistic salary in and see what that gives.

In the meantime, whilst you are filing, put in a claim for maintenance pending suit, so he has to continue current financial commitments. It will take the pressure off you, but will also give you an idea of how he is going to act going forward.

As a pp said, secure all the assets you can. Move everything from joint savings accounts, so the money is secure. You need to be absolutely ruthless once you start, put yourself first because he certainly will only looking after his own interests.