Can I forget hurtful comments?

[Onestrikeonly]

I'm going to try my hardest to make this as short as possible but it's going to be difficult (sorry)

I'm female and was brought up in a loving family oriented household with my two older brothers.

I was very close to my brothers until my mid 20's, but I suppose like most families the dynamics change when partners come on the scene. When my brothers had children, I stepped up as an Auntie. Although persuing my own career I wanted to be part of their lives babysitting, sleepovers etc..(100% my choice and 100% appreciated by my brothers & wives)

Things started to change when I settled down and started my own family. My brothers were nowhere to be seen. They stated the age gap between the kids made it difficult (9 -6 years older than my kids) and I somewhat agreed that we were on different paths. I backed off and focused on my little unit, but felt so disappointed that my children didn't have the kind of relationship with their uncles, as I did with my nieces and nephews. In fact they don't have a relationship at all.

Fast forward, unfortunately my son aged 7 was diagnosed with cancer during Covid. It was the most horrific time as you can imagine, and it was made even worse due to Covid, and my parents were unable to support us due to lockdown and us shielding. My son needed a bone marrow transplant to survive but there were no suitable matches on the worldwide register. I promised my son I would find someone. We started campaigning to raise awareness and sign people up to the stem cell register. My son was the face of all promotion work etc.. and tbh, it was a welcomed focus for us all. My son loved it!.
I was struggling at the time but what made the whole situation worse was that one of my brothers (who is very controlled by his wife) was not supportive AT ALL. He didn't bother checking in with us, to see how my son was, he was obviously updated regularly by my parents. There were no calls, video calls when we spent weeks on a cancer ward while my son was going through gruelling treatment. I felt so let down at the time, but literally focused all my energy in supporting my son.

We did find a bone marrow match for my son, and he had a successful transplant and I'm pleased to say he is now in remission.

For me, it was aftermath which is when the ordeal hit me. I was diagnosed with PTSD and went through lots of therapy to process what my family had been through. It was around this time I needed to have a discussion with my brother to put to bed my feelings of hurt. My brother wasn't surprised when I explained my feelings, but was somewhat defensive (his wife had to be present during our meeting) When i asked him why he wasn't there for us , he stated 'I needed to protect myself' I asked him to elaborate, which he couldn't. In my opinion, unless he was on deaths door, or dealing with some other major issue in his life (which I understand there wasn't) there is no good enough reason to not support your nephew, and sister.
I was told that they didn't approve of me exploiting my sick child on social media to get awareness of the stem cell register. In reality, we are a very private family and initially I found it difficult opening up on social media however, THIS WAS TO SAVE MY SONS LIFE! Tell me a mother who wouldn't to everything within their power to save their child.
The meeting was left with lots of unanswered questions, but at least I had the opportunity to say my piece and get some sort of closure.
Fast forward a few more months and I'm starting to hear comments such as 'When my son enters the room we command the attention) This simply isn't true and is hurtful. Yes, when my bald, cancer recovering son entered a room she may of naturally commanded the room, but only because he was evidently different. Believe me, when you have a sick child all you want is for them to be like all the other kids. I didn't want my son to be different. Are they crazy!

In a bizarre, weird way, I am starting to think that they are jealous of the attention my son received. (my sister-in-law is someone who is always 'ill' if she isn't ill, her kids are ill.
There has definitely been some envy (especially with my sister-in-law) with how our lives have turned out. Although my brother on paper is more academic, I've bern more successful. I have got the bigger house, nicer car, nice holidays (silly material stuff) and run my own business. Due to his life choices, married young, had children young he hasn't really achieved his full potential. They would never admit any of that though.

I just don't know where to go from here? The comments/lies I cannot let go. It amazes me that they can even comment on my son given they weren't around? They have absolutely no idea!

Should I break contact? it wouldn't be any loss for me and my unit tbh, but would deeply upset my parents.

Thank-you for letting me ramble, it's much needed.

Honestly, if I was you in your position (I'm so sorry and I hope I'm never to be) I would cut contact. I would never be able to forgive m brother for not being there and the comments I would find even more unforgivable. I can't fathom what would make him act like that. Your brother and SIL don't doing worthy of a relationship with your son or you of they couldn't be there for you in your absolute time of need.

I've recently gone no contact with some close family due to feeling hurt by them and its very, very final when you do it.
The door feels fully closed but if doesn't mean I don't still think about them and go over it all everyday.
I think i wish i had gone low contact. Left the door ajar somewhat. I would still feel hurt and crushed but there would still be the potential for dialogue. Now i'll only ever see them at funerals

They sound like utter twats. I wouldn't bother with them after this. It's all excuses. I believe it's anything to do with you. Some people are just appalling at doing family. Cut them loose.

Fucking hell. The comment he made about social media is ridiculous. You might not have found a match if it weren't for that. How dare they!
And the comment about your ds getting the attention. WTF. They sound awful. Sorry they let you down.
Well done for doing what you did to find a match.

@stonedaisy makes a very good point.

keep the door ajar and contact minimal. If your parents are unhappy about it they should offer to mediate and help restore the relationship you had with your brother. Just your brother. I don’t understand why your SIL had to sit in on your previous attempt to clear the air with him. Yep, she’s his wife but it’s a sibling problem, nothing to do with her really.

He sounds weak. And she extremely controlling.

Although my brother on paper is more academic, I've bern more successful. I have got the bigger house, nicer car, nice holidays (silly material stuff) and run my own business. Due to his life choices, married young, had children young he hasn't really achieved his full potential. They would never admit any of that though

Or perhaps they measure success and potential differently to you.

Maybe?? If it isn't some sort of jealousy what could it possibly be to behave like this? I'm clutching for reasons why the relationship has broken down

I think sometimes when you are the auntie first and have your children later the relationship is different. Both my sisters had children before i had mine and i was a very hands on auntie ( and i loved it and felt/feel very close to my nieces and nephews as a result. They were "first" in my life- whereas when i had my child they were already mothers so he was never first for them- which does make a difference. they never had to play the caring/supportive role to your children so it doesn't come naturally

Your son having cancer probably in some way put their noses out of joint- suddenly your son is the centre of attention and their children less so.

Also i think with illness if you are not living it day to day it can be hard to connect with it and its less all encompassing when you aren't seeing it- one of my best friends daughters had a chronic illness and although i did check in etc it probably wasn't nearly as much as i should as you get bogged down in your own day to day stuff.
that doesn't excuse some of the stuff he's done ( and i would blame him and not your SIL- he's a grown up)

I agree with @Anxiouswaffle. I don’t think it’s a fair comparison to compare how available and involved an aunt/uncle can be when they don’t have their own children compared to someone who already has older children when their sibling has a baby. I think you were unreasonable to expect your brothers to be as involved with your children as you were with theirs when small. That conflict seems to have set up a defensiveness that, in one brother, persisted through your child’s cancer. You don’t mention this, but from my own extended family, I remember there being tension when a family member needed a kidney transplant, and other family members felt there was pressure on them to test for compatibility — was this a factor, even if unspoken, in your brother’s response to your child’s illness, and his apparently unsympathetic response to your son being the public face of the bone marrow register?

Edited to add, as I wasn’t clear — did he think he should donate? Or be tested for compatibility?

I just think a child’s serious illness can be such an appalling experience that often people we feel should be supporting don’t come out of it that well.

Glad to hear he’s in remission, and I hope you’re getting effective help for your PSTD.

I would step back. It sounds like he can’t stand up to his wife. Maybe he is avoidant and backed off but that isn’t ok. Even if he didn’t agree with social media (you didn’t have a choice) he could still have checked in on you from time to time. Maybe therapy for the ptsd and family relationships?

I have to say that it strikes me as very odd that after all you’ve been through you’re talking about your perceived success in life in material terms, the bigger house etc. Surely your child’s life-threatening illness has given you a better perspective on what success actually is?

Are you for real!!!!

What you have written is sadly not usual.
My child lost a very close friend to cancer last year and a few stories about family members feelings of entitlement has been absolutely shocking.

You said your piece, move on.
Step far away from them and tell your parents that they will just have to deal with it.
I wouldn't want their toxicity near my child and family.
Upset like this is energy sapping and you have all been through enough.
You have no idea what you may face in the future, take this time to be as calm and peaceful as possible and enjoy your childs health.

You cannot and will not change your brother or his wife.
Accept them and move on and drop the rope with your relationship with them completely.

Wishing your precious child every good wish for the future.

Thank you so much for this thoughtful advise. I'm 100% on board with everything you have said. It is energy's sapping and they simply are not worth it. It's such a shame it has come to this, but I simply cannot waste anymore energy on this broken relationship with my brother. Fortunately, I have amazing friends who have been more like Auntie and Uncles to my children so they still have a solid amazing unit around them 🥰

Yes. Surely you’ve realised there are more important things in life than houses and cars 🤷‍♀️

I suggest you re-read my post and actually comment on the whole picture rather than a paragraph which you have taken out on context.
For the record, I do not give a shit about material things. When you have been to hell and back you certainly realise what is important. You also see who steps up and who doesnt, who is there and who isn't. If you read my post properly you will see that I am questioning whether THEY are jealous of the material things?? I couldn't give two hoots. It's not a competition.

I did read your entire post. Twice. And that’s what struck me, hence my comment.

There’s little point in us discussing it further.

Best wishes to you and your son.

When i asked him why he wasn't there for us , he stated 'I needed to protect myself' I asked him to elaborate, which he couldn't.
Pathetic

@sammylady37 you really have missed the point of that paragraph.

Op, it's time to just fade from their view. Just don't seek anything from them anymore. Be polite but keep your distance.

He sounds more than a bit useless.

If you had had children first, do you think he would have done half the stuff as an uncle that you did as an aunt? Somehow I doubt he would have done even 30 minutes of childcare.

Sadly you were great when you were useful to him and now he should pay it back he'd rather avoid you.

I'd let it dwindle. Christmas and Birthday cards only.

Firstly it is bollocks about the age gap in cousins means can't socialise.
Secondly I am so sorry you and your family have been through this hell. I am so glad your child is in remission.

As for your brother and his wife. I'd just let them be and take no action to communicate with the pair of them. You've tried.

I wonder if it's because you sound like someone in your post who reacts pro-actively to hell happening. The shit happens, you waiver, you think of how to go forward/solve issues and and crack on.

There seems to be some people who almost thrive on their lives being 'difficult and stay in that zone, getting attention for their ailments/worries. Then you rock up with the situation from hell and your natural disposition is to push really hard, step out of your safe boundaries to get what your child needs. Attention and worry from other members of the family is naturally on you . Resulting in a weird jealously.

Surround yourself with love, support and decent kind people. You need their energy yo keep you going after this trauma.

You are bang on (I feel like you have already sussed me out) 😁 I'm a glass half full person, always have been. Throw hell at me I I'm looking for a way to tackle it!

I think you are 💯 on the whole situation. Thank you 😁

I think 'no contact' is a bit drastic and final. I would go low contact for your parents' sake, and I assume so you can maintain a relationship with your brother's children. Don't burn those bridges and create more hurt with people who are innocent.

Yes , your brother has behaved really badly. Yes, he sounds controlled by a not very nice SIL. I have experienced similar in DH's family with my SIL (I believe it comes from deep insecurity, she has no contact with her own family now, she manages to upset everyone!). Dh and I maintain low contact with them. I will say hello and go to family parties, invite them to ours as part of a large group, but I won't be talking about my emotions or successes or spending time together with them in a small group. It's all very superficial but civil
This way I can keep an eye on my niece and nephew and maintain contact with other members of the family (who are old and wouldn't like to have to take sides or be caught in the middle).

If you had had children first, do you think he would have done half the stuff as an uncle that you did as an aunt? Somehow I doubt he would have done even 30 minutes of childcare. I think this hits the nail on the head.
My siblings are 10 and 12 years older than me, so our offspring have a similar gap. I was a doting aunt,but when my DC came along they were excited to have little ones around again as light relief from their teens and so it has continued.
How is your other brother fitting into this scenario? I hope he (and his partner) were, and continue to be, supportive through your DS's trials. Is there any chance he, or your parents, could explain that childhood cancer is not just being ill and that you have been deeply hurt by he and SIL's insensitivity. With self centred people like them it would probably make little difference but it may help you see that you are loved and supported by your remainIng family.
So pleased that your DS is doing well now.