Have I been abusive?

[CastleCastle]

Like DH has been to me? DH has been EA/VA for the whole of our marriage but looking back I worry that I have been abusive too.

• When he calls me a name (retard or C£&!) - I react with extreme anger and swear/shout etc. I might say @£c! you etc
• He’s told me I am indifferent to my children-again I tell him to ?£&! off etc.
• I suffer from PMDD which can make me extremely moody, snappy and angry. I am ratty and irritable but I never call him names, threaten him etc.
• I have noise sensitivity and DH is an extremely loud eater, he chomps food with his mouth open and others have commented on it. I have to sit with my fingers in my ears but is this controlling and abusive?
• After many years of name calling and threats from DH I cannot stand him touching me and flinch at his touch. I certainly do not want sex. Could this be seen as withholding affection? Withholding affection is a sign of abuse?
• DH plays loud YouTube videos constantly on his phone when he’s home. If I ask him to wear headphones he accuses me of being controlling.

In short - I am not squeaky clean and I am trying to see the bigger picture. He’s said such awful things to me that result in me shouting/swearing and losing control. Then I am labelled the abusive one. Sometimes he can be so nice and I am the snappy/angry one. I’m so confused.

Please help.

It's just a toxic relationship all round. Why are you even bothering?

Grey rock?
He's winding you up and you are falling for it. Don't 'see the bigger picture'. Spend some time seeing it entirely from your point of view, and asses what the heck is going on here. Don't feel confused, trust your own judgement.

My opinion - it's outrageous to call you names and outrageous to criticise you as a mother.
Eat separately from him. You aren't compatible eaters.
You can't stand him and don't want sex! Get out of this relationship!

This isn’t a relationship it’s a toxic battle zone.

Why are you wasting your life with this mess?

You can both do better.

Separate and move on.

You have a choice re this man , your children do not.

What is the point of you and he bring together. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. It’s over between you and he.

Your poor kids living with this crap. You’re both abusing your kids by putting them through this toxic mess - if you can’t leave for you do it for them

With bloody great bells on.

Just stop the whole sorry thing.

What's the point of you being together?

There is such a thing as reactive abuse. The screaming/swearing at him could be that.

But the rest is DARVO, google it.

And leave. Leave leave leave.

I’m making a plan to leave and putting a plan in place. I’ve heard of reactive abuse, I don’t know that much about it? I’ve never heard of DARVO?

I’ve tried to leave twice but this time I’ve got a proper plan in place thankfully.

In short, yes.
You should put healthy boundaries in place and if he is not accepting or listening to your needs you should remove yourself from the situation rather than retaliating.
It’s a very toxic environment.

It is toxic unfortunately. Not all the time and sometimes everything is calm and normal but when it’s bad it’s downright toxic and rotten.

A quick DARVO explanation.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO

It's when perpetrators deny, make themselves out to be victims, minimise and reverse who is to blame.

Concentrate on leaving. You won't convince him of anything.

I do try and remove myself by walking away but he will just follow me from room to room or liken it to an abusive trait his Mother had where she would walk away and ignore him.

Interesting. He does enjoy playing the victim and minimise his actions. He admits to “exploding” in anger then being completely find a few minutes later/singing and laughing etc.

Absolutely

You absolutely bring out the worst in each other and it’s a really unhealthy situation for you. Just keep focusing on your plan to leave.

By the way, my rage disappeared when I left exH. Just like POOF! Gone.

You may find without this relationship, your PMDD is easier to manage.

I mean permanently remove yourself - as in end the relationship.
Your relationship is toxic and your children are growing up in that environment.

Well done for making a plan to leave. You can do it, your life will be so much better. Focus on this, it will help you to keep moving forward.

Abuse is complex and its hard to see clearly when you are stuck in one. Plenty of time for analysis and learning from it once you are out. (Highly recommend that BTW, Women's Aid were great for this).

This. Abusers often make out that you are the abuser. And make you question if you are to blame. You aren’t.

I came here also to mention DARVO and reactive abuse. After years of emotional abuse and baiting by a sociopath family member I absolutely exploded and screamed at them that they were ' a motherf*g c**t'. I looked incredibly abusive. I even apologised.

Many years later I realised exactly what was happening. This was reactive abuse and my family are narcissistic / sociopathic. That is no exaggeration.

The only answer is to disengage or cut contact. Just get out of this as soon as you can. It's a horrible mess.

Oh god I can relate to that so much. The baiting, the goading, the years of abuse, only to bite back and look like the psycho one, the abuser.

STBEXH once read about psychopath personality disorder and calmly told me he identified with a lot of the traits 😟 He genuinely believed himself to be a psychopath but then looked worried and told me not to “use it as a weapon against him”

Be bloody careful leaving then. Plan under the radar and leave without a word.

@CastleCastle you are already figuring it out and that admission he made says alot.

I also agree with what @MrsTerryPratchett said. He's unlikely to just let you walk away lightly.

It's really worth reading up and learning as much as you can about sociopathy and narcissistic personality disorder. There are techniques for dealing with them whilst you have to.

Dr Ramani on YouTube is excellent. I'd use a search engine like Duckduckgo wherein your search history isn't logged. YouTube ( where most Dr Ramani videos are) logs your search history and informs suggested content so you need to watch that one if he's a YouTube user.