Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not intervening in an affair

40 replies

ZanyPombear · 09/09/2024 17:56

This is a hypothetical situation. If you could see that your partner was beginning to have an affair, or you found out about one that had been going on for a while but you wanted to stay with them, would it be better to wait and see if the affair fizzles out on its own, especially since they didn’t try to work on your relationship first? Could it be worse to confront them incase they decide to leave you for them because it’s out in the open anyway? There are a lot of factors but realistically what is the ideal option?

OP posts:
teatoast8 · 09/09/2024 17:58

I would leave

Arlanymor · 09/09/2024 17:59

I wouldn’t want to stay with them. My ex cheated so I divorced him. Same would go for a partner I wasn’t married to, I would leave. As much as I might still love someone the trust would be gone and I would question how much they actually loved me in order to be able to do that to me.

TheShellBeach · 09/09/2024 18:00

I'd kick his sorry arse right out of the door.

CornishMaid2024 · 09/09/2024 18:04

I’m struggling to put myself in the shoes of someone that would want to stay with an unfaithful spouse, however…. I’d give them an ultimatum.
I’ve got children with my partner so if he was unfaithful it would be difficult however I wouldn’t be able to trust again.

rockingbird · 09/09/2024 18:05

I'd stop fucking them for starters! The get some self respect..

DadJoke · 09/09/2024 18:07

If you want it to work, the sooner you confront them the better.

Beth216 · 09/09/2024 18:09

What if you don't bring it up, the affair doesn't fizzle out and they decide to leave you for the other person anyway?
There's no way to win this one OP. If you want to stay then personally I'd not bring up the affair but go and say to them that you'd like an open relationship and what do they think of the idea. At least then there can be openess and honesty and it gives you options too.

MounjaroUser · 09/09/2024 18:09

The thing is that the affair could go on for many years. Even a weekend would be long enough - wouldn't it completely destroy you?

I think the best thing is to force the issue immediately. Let your partner see exactly what he'd be missing if he went down that road. Blow it up in his face.

Neverstophoping · 09/09/2024 18:10

I think not confronting them in case they might leave you is just so sad and lacking in self respect. Why would you want them to stay if they are having an affair and cheating on you?

Specso · 09/09/2024 18:10

Why would someone want to stay with a partner who was having an affair? That would mean the trust is gone.

In answer to the question should you wait hoping it fizzles out or confront (but worried about doing this in case they leave)

It really doesn’t matter which option is best as a cheater will always leave on their own terms eventually even if you decide to stay with them.

Aydel · 09/09/2024 18:10

I know two women who have ignored their husband’s affair. Both SAHM with high earning partner with a very nice lifestyle, and didn’t want to sacrifice this. One, her husband came back to her, and as far as she knows wasn’t unfaithful again. The other moved on, had multiple affairs and eventually left his wife anyway.

CookieMonster28 · 09/09/2024 18:14

The ideal option would be whatever you felt was the right thing to do and could be at peace with - not what others may advise you to do or what opinions others may push on you.

Personally, I'd confront and hear them out but it'd be over. Life is too short and precious to be with someone who doesn't adore you (and said with experience!) If I stayed I'd become a paranoid wreck and pretty certain it would affect my MH.

DixonD · 09/09/2024 18:15

I know someone who puts up with affairs because she doesn’t want to lose her cosy lifestyle.

Spacecowboys · 09/09/2024 18:15

There isn’t an ideal option and people will react differently. I’d be far too angry to say nothing and wait for it to ‘fizzle out’. I certainly wouldn’t be worried about my partner leaving me either. I’d want the relationship to end and it would take a lot of persuading for me to bother trying to salvage the relationship.

Rubyandscarlett · 09/09/2024 18:17

It's not hypothetical for me - it really happened but no way was l leaving my home, he moved out.

AdoraBell · 09/09/2024 18:17

I would gather evidence, emails or photos etc, then leave or kick him out.

SquatWeightaMinute · 09/09/2024 18:18

It depends why you want to stay? If you love them and want an exclusive relationship then you need to talk to them or it will eat you up inside.

If you aren’t that bothered about them bit circumstances mean you like things as they are then I would keep quiet.

Theres not enough info here to go off.

AgnesX · 09/09/2024 18:19

He'd be given his choices which would depend on the circumstances but basically would boil down to he's not getting his cake and eating it and not on my time. But I'm older and have an eye on the money tree.

I really wouldn't want to spend my retirement years paying a second mortgage because he'd thinking with his dick.

Foamio · 09/09/2024 18:23

Let your partner see exactly what he'd be missing if he went down that road. Blow it up in his face

I’ve never believed in the “show him what he’s missing”. He already knows, but has still pursued an affair.

Elasticatedtrousers · 09/09/2024 18:26

Honestly I agree with a poster above it depends on why you want to stay with them.
An individuals drives and values are different for different people.

If you want to stay because of lifestyle/family commitments etc and you’re not having sex then staying quiet might be the option for you.

If you love them and want to repair the marriage then watching an affair happen under your nose will break you in the long term. It is soul destroying. If you’re having sex with them it’s even more complex as (theoretically because you ‘don’t know’) your right to informed sexual consent is being taken from you and your risk of contracting an STI is increasing.

Personally I would always confront. I have absolutely no problem with people choosing to stay after cheating as long as the cheat is moving heaven and earth to repair the damage but no cheat can reach remorse if they don’t feel the damage that they have caused.

Treeinthesky · 09/09/2024 18:28

Basically say you noticed x y z see his response. If he breaks down and works on his marriage great. If he says nowt up you have voiced your concerns now put the blinkers on. However he may leave anyways

Ezekiela · 09/09/2024 18:29

I know a couple where she found out that he was having an affair; she initiated one herself so they were even. In the end they both ended their affairs and have stayed together.

Not sure I could do that myself but different people feel differently about things. If you confront him, it could go either way. But could you live with the knowledge that he is continuing to cheat? For how long?

neilyoungismyhero · 09/09/2024 18:31

Personally I'd start squirrelling money away- as much as I could.

Switcher · 09/09/2024 18:32

Sounds like you're looking for the plot of a novel. The way the situation is phrased suggests the balance of power is with the unfaithful spouse, which is the only reason not raising it would even be a consideration. Unfortunately I think psychology would not be on the faithful spouse's side here. She or he (could be either) would clearly be the supplicant from the start, trying to cling on, and by turning a blind eye they are only weakening their perceived position in the relationship. It'd strengthen them to say they condone an open relationship - if they do.

ginasevern · 09/09/2024 18:46

It depends on your personality and many other factors really. If you had a home you loved, no money worries, luxury holidays etc that that made you truly happy then why not. Life is a constant balancing act and compromise, none of us are truly free and independent. I'm assuming the hypothetical DH in this scenario is not abusive, controlling or perverted in any way. In my case my DH had an affair and I just couldn't forgive him, the pain was too great.

Swipe left for the next trending thread