Not intervening in an affair

[ZanyPombear]

This is a hypothetical situation. If you could see that your partner was beginning to have an affair, or you found out about one that had been going on for a while but you wanted to stay with them, would it be better to wait and see if the affair fizzles out on its own, especially since they didn’t try to work on your relationship first? Could it be worse to confront them incase they decide to leave you for them because it’s out in the open anyway? There are a lot of factors but realistically what is the ideal option?

Confront him as soon as you are sure. Trying to
live a lie, knowing but pretending not to, would destroy you.

If you could see that your partner was beginning to have an affair, or you found out about one that had been going on for a while but you wanted to stay with them

I can't see that being a situation where I'd want to stay. But if I did, no, I wouldn't 'wait for it to fizzle out'. What a bleak notion.

wait & watch it fizzle out? NO! Kick him out? Yes!

I think too highly of myself as a girlfriend/wife to be treated like that! I’m a lovely & loyal OH & i expect it in return.

@ZanyPombear, you would be very foolish to sit by while their connection strengthens and the affair deepens.

He is making a mockery of you and stealing your agency via his double life, and potentially risking your health.

I would never diminish and contort myself to turn a blind eye while he sneaks and deceives and invests elsewhere.

What do you do if you think an affair is probably going to begin? If you think your partner particularly likes someone else or you think there’s something between them, but it isn’t affair stage yet and they might say you’re being ridiculous? Or too afraid to admit it?

@ZanyPombear what sort of man is he? It might be that the other person has sparked a real interest / they share the same interests and he is taking it to a certain stage, enjoying the buzz, but nothing physical as he just about still has morals and doesn't understand emotional affair. Or has he attempted to take it further? The first option is just about salvageable but the second isn't.

Ideal option is ordering a skip, large enough for their belongings, maybe a kick in the balls and a goodbye. I just wouldn't, I couldn't stay.

I'd calmly say something like "I had a particularly vivid dream last night that you were having an affair with X" and see how they react.

I couldn't have his dick inside me knowing where else it had been

I'd leave immediately.

You can't stop them. They get caught up in the excitement. Two selfish people just doing what they want.

I would leave I'm not that desperate

The risk of STIs should be enoigh forvany sane woman to not want to play pick-me games.

A very personal decision. I know people who are aware their spouse has had OW for many years but they don't intervene because they don’t want upheaval or any alteration to their comfortable lives.

Personally, I would confront if I suspected and take things from there.

Well, if it hasn't actually happened yet then I would wonder want about them has made it so that I trust them so little. You can't have a relationship without trust.

If I loved them and trusted that they loved me, I'd start an open conversation and admit that I feel worried and ill at ease about the friendship. If I was worried that they were going to leave, I'd start preparing by putting money away.

By the way, I can well imagine not caring about an affair. I'm not in love with my own DH anymore but don't want to split time with DC or change our lifestyle (for clarify, I earn double DH's salary, it's that I don't want him in a flat share and DC not being able to stay with dad). So in that sense an affair wouldn't be an emotional problem for me. I would still be annoyed though at him spending our money away from the house, the lying, the general dishonesty.