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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is this financial abuse

59 replies

Brieonlybrie · 09/09/2024 14:53

H is earning ok-ish (50k in a poor area not the expensive SW). I earn about 18k plus gets disability benefits for the DC.
We cope fine financially with the income we have but H and I are having issues. We both have a good amount of savings (this is relevant).

H has announced yesterday that he will not to contribute to the household expenses anymore as he has paid more than me for many years (I couldn't earn more due to caring responsibilities - he refuses to help out with the DC). He now expects me to fulfill all financial obligations (household bills, food, expenses for DC such as clothes, dinner money) from my limited income plus the savings I have. He has not specified how long he expects this arrangement to run. I would be able to do that for little while due to safety cushion in my ISA. The DC would not go without at all for a limited amount of time (several months).

Is this a form of financial abuse? Or fair and square. Would it be counted as financial abuse in law? He says it's fair as I have savings (his savings are much higher than mine). I believe I should not have to dip into my ISA to feed the DC when we have enough money coming in. Thoughts? I am not seeing the wood for the trees right now and happy to be told I am unreasonable. Just need a sanity check really.

OP posts:
Farmwifefarmlife · 09/09/2024 17:14

I certainly wouldn’t be cleaning/ cooking or doing anything for him!! Not sure if you can open a CMS claim while living together? Are you rented or mortgaged ? Look into Universal credit asap. Good luck

Flossyts · 09/09/2024 17:15

What’s his end game? What does he want from you? Just money?

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2024 17:16

Has this come out of the blue or has it been building for a while?

Spenditlikebeckham · 09/09/2024 17:20

No need to even tell him you have filed for divorce.. Less chance he can hide any assets. Register as separated with your solicitor then claim any due benefits. Including cms. When I reported exh for drink driving I let him think I was considering forgiving him whilst really I had filed for divorce..

Original poster
Brieonlybrie · 09/09/2024 17:33

Flossyts · 09/09/2024 17:15

What’s his end game? What does he want from you? Just money?

I don't know. he sure thing doesn't wanna look after the DC and in case of divorce he has financially a lot to lose (unlike me). I have no clue. I think he enjoys torturing me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brieonlybrie · 09/09/2024 17:34

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2024 17:16

Has this come out of the blue or has it been building for a while?

slow built but after a long (almost 6 weeks) solo holiday this summer, it suddenly rammed up massively.

OP posts:
MothralovesGojira · 09/09/2024 17:44

@Brieonlybrie
Do I understand your last post correctly? He has been on a 6 week holiday or do you mean it's ramped up during the 6 week school holiday period?

Anyway, do you rent or own outright or own with mortgage? How many children do you have and are they still in school?

pliplop · 09/09/2024 17:46

Get legal advice immediately. You would be able to divorce him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, even if he doesn’t agree with it. You would have to provide specific incidences of the behaviour although it sounds like you may have plenty of evidence, especially if any of his ridiculous financial demands have been over text or voicemails etc.
I would also have it stated in writing the date from which you started living separate lives as this will be the date of your separation even if he is still living in the house.
I don’t think there is a solicitor on earth who would advise him that he can try and extort £40k from you when you are essentially the sole carer for your child and work part time hours to care for a child with additional needs. You can’t even be forced to leave the marital home until your child has finished full time education (19 years old). He can hold a charge on the house or you could decide to sell and split the equity but that’s also your decision he can’t force a sale right now.

If you do nothing else, please book an hour with a solicitor who specialises in family law. Have all your financial info in order beforehand so you can really get the most out of the hour.
Good luck - I’ve been in a similar situation to you, although thankfully my ex wasn’t anywhere near as bad as yours sounds and he did leave the house when I asked him to. Five years later and I now have my own house after we agreed to sell our marital home and I’ve honestly never been happier.

Doggymummar · 09/09/2024 17:48

I'll bet my months salary it wasn't a solo holiday he went on.

Doggymummar · 09/09/2024 17:48

pliplop · 09/09/2024 17:46

Get legal advice immediately. You would be able to divorce him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, even if he doesn’t agree with it. You would have to provide specific incidences of the behaviour although it sounds like you may have plenty of evidence, especially if any of his ridiculous financial demands have been over text or voicemails etc.
I would also have it stated in writing the date from which you started living separate lives as this will be the date of your separation even if he is still living in the house.
I don’t think there is a solicitor on earth who would advise him that he can try and extort £40k from you when you are essentially the sole carer for your child and work part time hours to care for a child with additional needs. You can’t even be forced to leave the marital home until your child has finished full time education (19 years old). He can hold a charge on the house or you could decide to sell and split the equity but that’s also your decision he can’t force a sale right now.

If you do nothing else, please book an hour with a solicitor who specialises in family law. Have all your financial info in order beforehand so you can really get the most out of the hour.
Good luck - I’ve been in a similar situation to you, although thankfully my ex wasn’t anywhere near as bad as yours sounds and he did leave the house when I asked him to. Five years later and I now have my own house after we agreed to sell our marital home and I’ve honestly never been happier.

You don't need a reason to divorce, in England anyway it's no fault here.

pliplop · 09/09/2024 18:18

Doggymummar · 09/09/2024 17:48

You don't need a reason to divorce, in England anyway it's no fault here.

Show quote history

Yes but only if both parties are in agreement which it doesn’t seem like OP’s ex is. If he is refusing then she would have to file on different grounds and it seems like it would be his unreasonable behaviour in this case.
My ex and I wanted a “no fault” divorce but at the time you had to have been separated for two years before you could file. Annoyingly, they changed this about 6 months after I finally filed meaning as you have said that you can just do it straight away if you want.

millymollymoomoo · 09/09/2024 18:55

File for divorce

put in a claim for cms AND maintenance pending suit.

Ponderingwindow · 09/09/2024 19:00

If you can’t comfortably afford your current home on your own, you may be better off moving yourself and the children elsewhere. You will be rid of him faster and you still will have the opportunity to work out a fair division of assets.

Original poster
Brieonlybrie · 09/09/2024 19:45

Ponderingwindow · 09/09/2024 19:00

If you can’t comfortably afford your current home on your own, you may be better off moving yourself and the children elsewhere. You will be rid of him faster and you still will have the opportunity to work out a fair division of assets.

very small mortgage left. would cost a fraction of renting. it's a small terraced 3 bed. Both DC need their own room. there is no room for downsizing. Renting would cost a lot more.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 09/09/2024 20:51

Brieonlybrie · 09/09/2024 19:45

very small mortgage left. would cost a fraction of renting. it's a small terraced 3 bed. Both DC need their own room. there is no room for downsizing. Renting would cost a lot more.

Show quote history

The problem though is there is only a small mortgage left as things are now. If you want him out, then you need to buy him out. That means taking on the full remaining mortgage yourself + it will increase for his share. So it’s worth looking properly at the figures to see which is cheaper at that point as it may cost more to keep the house x

Original poster
Brieonlybrie · 09/09/2024 20:58

Mrsttcno1 · 09/09/2024 20:51

The problem though is there is only a small mortgage left as things are now. If you want him out, then you need to buy him out. That means taking on the full remaining mortgage yourself + it will increase for his share. So it’s worth looking properly at the figures to see which is cheaper at that point as it may cost more to keep the house x

Show quote history

I would expect to be able to stay in the house given the fact that I have children with disabilities. I have no money to buy him out. Are you saying we may end up homeless if I push for a divorce (I wouldn't be able to buy him out nor would I have the means to rent). This option didn't even occur to me. I thought as the primary carer is the court would make sure we are adequately housed. He has loads in savings and earns well. He could easily get another mortgage. I cannot as I have the DC and my earning potential isn't great.

OP posts:
pliplop · 09/09/2024 21:08

Brieonlybrie · 09/09/2024 20:58

I would expect to be able to stay in the house given the fact that I have children with disabilities. I have no money to buy him out. Are you saying we may end up homeless if I push for a divorce (I wouldn't be able to buy him out nor would I have the means to rent). This option didn't even occur to me. I thought as the primary carer is the court would make sure we are adequately housed. He has loads in savings and earns well. He could easily get another mortgage. I cannot as I have the DC and my earning potential isn't great.

Show quote history

A family lawyer would be able to advise you but it's likely that you would be allowed to stay in the house until your youngest child has finished full time education at which point you would either have to buy your ex out or sell and split the equity (the amount to be split would be determined by your assets and earnings etc)
My current partner couldn't afford to buy his ex out of their house and it was eventually agreed that he'd give her an amount at that time then 10% of the value/sale price of the house when their youngest child turns 19.
I'm pretty sure you won't be forced out right now though.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/09/2024 21:08

Brieonlybrie · 09/09/2024 20:58

I would expect to be able to stay in the house given the fact that I have children with disabilities. I have no money to buy him out. Are you saying we may end up homeless if I push for a divorce (I wouldn't be able to buy him out nor would I have the means to rent). This option didn't even occur to me. I thought as the primary carer is the court would make sure we are adequately housed. He has loads in savings and earns well. He could easily get another mortgage. I cannot as I have the DC and my earning potential isn't great.

Show quote history

Unfortunately you wouldn’t just be allowed the house without giving him his % of the equity, even if you have the children. The court will make sure assets are divided fairly, that doesn’t mean 50/50, so you could try and argue potentially that you would not touch his pension or savings in exchange for the house if that is roughly even, but that house is as much his as yours and so depending on the numbers you’d either have to buy him out, try to bargain for the house in exchange for no pension etc if that evens out, or sell the house and you get your % of the equity so you can then buy or rent.

It’s almost unheard of now for anyone to just be given the marital home, unless as you say you argue other things for it. Consult a solicitor for detailed advice, but be prepared for the fact that you are unlikely to be able to keep the home unless you can buy him out.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/09/2024 21:13

As previous poster said you may be able to argue to be allowed to stay in the home until kids are out of school, but then you would be in the same position of sell and split equity or buying him out to keep the home x

caringcarer · 09/09/2024 21:21

rubyslippers · 09/09/2024 15:01

Text book financial abuse
sorry :-(

This. Do you know what has prompted this change? I'd tell him either he carries on providing for his DC or you will divorce him. Force him to make a choice. If you did end up divorcing he'd have to pay maintenance for DC unless he did 50/50 overnight care. Do you think there could be another woman on the scene? Something must have prompted this change in behaviour.

caringcarer · 09/09/2024 21:22

Spenditlikebeckham · 09/09/2024 17:20

No need to even tell him you have filed for divorce.. Less chance he can hide any assets. Register as separated with your solicitor then claim any due benefits. Including cms. When I reported exh for drink driving I let him think I was considering forgiving him whilst really I had filed for divorce..

Smart.

caringcarer · 09/09/2024 21:23

In a divorce situation all pensions and savings of both of you get thrown into the melting pot and shared.

outdamnedspots · 09/09/2024 21:27

Brieonlybrie · 09/09/2024 15:03

he is refusing to leave unless I pay him, cough, 40k. I don't even know where this figure is from. He is refusing to leave the house otherwise and is terrorising us with his mind games. I don't know how to get rid of him. The 'i am not paying anymore' is the latest....

Seek help from Women's Aid. What a bastard he is.

PaminaMozart · 09/09/2024 21:58

You need to get up to speed so you can use lawyer time wisely...

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies
Family solicitor websites

Don't let him abuse you financially in the divorce!

Flossyts · 10/09/2024 06:59

Brieonlybrie · 09/09/2024 20:58

I would expect to be able to stay in the house given the fact that I have children with disabilities. I have no money to buy him out. Are you saying we may end up homeless if I push for a divorce (I wouldn't be able to buy him out nor would I have the means to rent). This option didn't even occur to me. I thought as the primary carer is the court would make sure we are adequately housed. He has loads in savings and earns well. He could easily get another mortgage. I cannot as I have the DC and my earning potential isn't great.

Show quote history

I don’t think you can expect to stay in the house and not buy him out. As a married couple though you should be able to get half his savings in the divorce as a joint asset unless you had a legal agreement stating otherwise before the marriage. (This is why I think it’s daft when couples stay ignorant to impeach others finances). He’s also entitled to anything of yours.