Spark isn't there after 4 years ....

[autumnleavea]

Me and my partner have been together 4 years.
Sam sex relationship (both female )
We moved in after 4 months and now I just feel flat.
We have a house in both our names
Share a joint bank

I find myself thinking about my ex a lot.
Especially after a few drinks.
My partner is quite lazy,she can be very moody and all the normal things we all do is starting to get to me (talking about her bowel movements ,constant farting etc )
All the romance and sexiness has gone.

I miss my ex (even tho she was a total mind fuck and hurt me) I miss the spark
I miss the excitement
I miss it all

I love my girlfriend
I honestly couldn't imagine life without her
There's just no spark

Is this normal ?

Or isn't it normal ?

I have a terrible dating history so I could never advise appropriately. I much prefer singledom.

What I will ask is whether you fully understand your own attachment type, your personal history ( childhood) and how that impacts your current life and partnerships. Because it always always does.

Maybe I'm really over complicating things and everyone feels this way. There's something about craving the thrill and instability associated with your ex that reminded me of me.

Maybe some people do better having relationships with more separation - like separate houses long term. I don't think this is a bad proposition unless you want or have a family together.

If you're into self retrospection BBC I player has an excellent programme called ' Couples Therapy '. It is so insightful.

Would you have the courage to tell your partner you are struggling a little and want to reignite the relationship a little? And see what she says? Somehow find a way to gently let her know the farting etc is becoming a bit of a passion killer .

I have tried to talk to her about it but she just laughs it off
I find myself fancying other people (obviously would never act upon it )
I don't know what's going on with me

You say you love her but do you? Or is it habit? Are you attached to her and your life together? What do you love about her? What do you enjoy about her?

I'm honestly not sure anymore
I do know I love her,I love that she's kind ,she's had a awful childhood with shit parents and I just want to make her happy.

We have a great life together
I'm not sure I would give it up for a thrill
Or fantasy of a ex who was horrible to me

In my opinion, if you’re fancying others on a regular basis you’re not attracted to her anymore, even if you love her.

I feel exactly the same about my husband although there are multiple other issues, I am getting my shit together to leave. Life is too short. The bathroom stuff just drives me mad and it's a symptom of much deeper stuff. Do you want to live the rest of your life with someone who drives you up the wall? With no excitement? The moment of truth for me was a couple of weeks ago when I heard his key in the lock and I felt nothing but dread, and I thought, surely, it shouldn't be like this. I should look forward to him coming home, not feel my heart sinking.

It's normal. There's a societal expectation that we mate for life. However, in reality, serial monogamy is what we're biologically designed for.

You have likely come to the natural end of this relationship. That doesn't mean that you don't still care for her or that the relationship didn't have value. I'm sure your girlfriend means a lot to you.

So many people agonise and punish themselves over perfectly ordinary feelings. You want to move on and find another sexual partner. That's natural. It's ok to feel this way.

I adore my husband and we have been together a long long time. I don't want anyone else but I do sometimes 'think' about certain people and in an alternative universe I'd perhaps love to try it out. But in this one I won't. Sometimes, he does things or says things that make my eyes roll a total 360. It's part & parcel of sharing your life with someone. I think though, there should always be an element of excitement there and if after 4 years you don't have it for your partner then that's something to work on. Does she perhaps feel the same and it's something that can be spoken about, what things can you do that would stop it being so flat?

This is with me
I couldn't imagine not being with her
I love our life together
The safe feeling
I know I'm safe with her and we are settled
I wouldn't or couldn't throw it away for a thrill
Doesn't sexual attraction go away with every couple ?

Yes it does for most people, hence people have affairs, open their marriages, or move on.

Sounds like the relationship with the ex was toxic and it messed with your brain and you beed drama

I'd be a little frustrated that she laughed off what you raised with her.

With all the benefits you've listed, it's worth trying to re ignite some excitement if possible - but that takes two. I know she can't stop farting but if there are other really obvious things you can point to then it's worth an honest open chat.

Can you find excitement elsewhere - by that I mean hobbies, doing things alone independently to fulfil that element of your life.

Hey, I totally get where you're coming from, and it’s actually pretty normal to feel this way in a long-term relationship. It sounds like you’re in that stage where things have settled into a routine, and the initial spark might feel like it’s gone.

Thinking about your ex is also not unusual, especially when you’re missing that excitement. It doesn’t necessarily mean you want to go back to them; it might just be your mind craving those intense feelings you had in the beginning.
Relationships can lose some of their initial magic over time, but that doesn't mean the connection or love isn't still there. Maybe try mixing things up a bit — do something fun and new together, or even have an honest conversation about how you’re feeling. Sometimes, a little change can reignite some of that spark.

At the end of the day, it's about what you want and need. If you love your partner and can't imagine life without her, maybe it’s worth finding ways to reconnect and bring some excitement back into the relationship. Remember, you're not alone in feeling this way!

I have been with my partner for 18 years. I'd say feelings come and go. There have been years that have been extremely happy and close and then periods that aren't as good. We've just come out of a less good spot. We were really arguing a lot about domestic stuff , my husbands career dominating mine , childcare etc both exhausted and had no time for each other.

What helped was having a holiday! This summer we took loads of time off and it's really helped. The spark is coming back. It's not the same as the early days but there's feelings there again and the flatness has gone.

So I'd guess I'd give it a chance but you'll need to do something to bring it back. Spend time together. Do something new. If you've felt like this for years then it's maybe time you leave.

I'm actually in the middle of watching a brilliant podcast. It's incredibly relatable and it will possibly tell you something about yourself.

When you ask is this normal, there are so many factors at play it's impossible to say what's normal.
( Although things getting boring after some time I would say is normal).

The things you say in your posts are interesting. Understanding things about yourself might make it easier to truly determine whether this is workable, how to improve it, is it you, is it her, is it both? Am I better off with someone else?

The podcast is Diary of a CEO: 'Why women are addicted to toxic men'.

I'm not saying anyone in your situation is toxic. The research and information referenced in the podcast would apply to same sex relationships.

I'm a very deep analytical thinker so appreciate this might sound batshit overthinking. I don't believe it is though and it's useful to understand these things that drive us in relationships.

If you were posting about your BF talking about his bowel movements or farting when around you, he’d get roasted on here and you’d be told he was disrespectful and that’s what mates do in front of each other, not lovers.

TBH, it shouldn’t be any different in your case, with you being a same sex couple, you feel comfortable around your partner, you feel safe, you love her, but you aren’t sexually attracted to her and it sounds as if you aren’t in love with her. Sounds like you really are just best friends and not partners.

I've been with my partner for 5 years and still have that spark and excitement when I see him.
The spark went quite quickly with my ex husband but we ended up getting married and having children - I definitely feel like I settled with him.
One thing I've learned from that is not to move in together too soon! We don't live together and don't plan to any time soon either.
I'm sorry to say it but if there is no spark between you I can't see it lasting. Are you having regular (fulfilling) sex?

She takes a high dose of steroids and her sex drive is non existent
She's put a lot of weight on (doesn't bother me at all ) but she hates herself

If it's for a health condition it can have a really big impact on ones mood. If she has a bowel conditioning, that's another factor that may influenced her behaviour. The issue with bowel movements is going to be unsexy and it's ok for you to feel that way.

I have to take steroids and have horrible bowel issues. I think I'd struggle to be a partner to me with that and all the other stuff 🤷‍♀️🤣.

After 4 years?

It hasn’t for me after 18 years.

@Pantaloons99 it's for asthma
She has really bad asthma
She gets biologic injections as well as taking 50mg of prednisone a day (so quite a high dose)
It's wrecked her body
Her body isn't producing cortisol anymore and has been told she will be on steroids for life as she could go into adrenal crisis without them

We are both 34

I think same sex female relationships can become very domestic and familiar quickly (I’m gay). If you could afford it I would live separately or at least separate bedrooms.

Failing that, lots of separate friends/ hobbies.

Ester Perel may be worth a read.

I think your relationship has just reached its natural end.

You are too young at 34 to stay for the rest of your life with a partner you no longer fancy/truly love just for the sake of comfort and 'safety'.

You can still care for someone but accept that they are not to be your lifelong partner.