Partner’s shouting

[SereneRoseBee]

Hi, this is my first time posting here so not really sure how it works but I’ve read some other threads and you all seem to have good advice.

Ive got two boys 14 and 11. I’m not married, but been with my partner for 22 years. I think things were ok in the beginning, but he’s been verbally abusive for about 15 years. (I know. 🙈)

I don’t have family around me. Actually no support network at all. My dad died when I was a teenager and my mother has had various mental and physical health problems and just hasn’t been able to help. I think that’s really the reason I have stayed for so long. Just don’t think I’ll cope on my own.

Ive always worked full time and earn the most money out of the two of us. I have a second house (in my name only) but this is small and has a tenant in there. Wouldn’t be big enough for me and the boys.

my partner refuses to move out or sell the house we live in (jointly owned)

he is an alcoholic. He will shout so loudly that all the neighbours hear him. Neighbours have actually asked me if I’m ok, or if he hits me too. He doesn’t hit me. (Has once in the past but I defended myself and he hasn’t done it since.)

He is so negative. Anything I ask him to do he will tell me that it doesn’t need doing and he refuses to help. He will also say repeatedly that “he goes to work” because I work from home a lot. He doesn’t see what I do as work. - so he will tell me that I do f all.

I do everything with the kids. He never takes them anywhere.

it’s hard for me to put his behaviour into words because it’s so bonkers so I’ve tried to bullet point it:

watches my face when I’m on my phone and if I smile, I’m obviously texting another man - shouts
refuses to help with anything I ask. Shouts that he goes out to work and isn’t going to spend his time off helping me
if I’m upset, he’s more upset. Shouts.
refuses dinner I cook (he normally cleans up and hates mess. Plus he is on a liquid diet of beer!) so will shout around mealtimes. He’s made the kids fussy eaters because of it.
shouts at the kids all the time.
constantly sends me text messages asking for sex ( I stopped sleeping with him about a year ago.) separate rooms. Just the thought of going near him makes me feel sick.
Will say that all he wants is a nice weekend (which to him means sex) and when that doesn’t happen, shouts.
says he’s got nothing in his life.
will be nice to me and then horrible in the same sentence.
when I just ignore his shouting, he will follow me around shouting in my face that I’m horrible to him and he says constantly, “why are you treating me this way?
never in 22 years has he ever admitted that anything is his fault.

All weekend, there were arguments as normal. He came outside in the garden, where I was with my youngest, shouting (really aggressively) that we need to have words and that I’m a horrible bitch. Then he started shouting my name and that I’m frigid. (Everyone was in their gardens. It’s so embarrassing.)

i told him it’s totally over (which he never accepts) and then he just follows me around saying, “what have I done?” And crying.

it’s honestly mental. It’s more mental than I’ve written above, but I know there is probably a word limit. Lol.

i know everyone will tell me to leave, and I’ve tried to hundreds of times. Problems are:

he will not leave.
he will not agree to selling the house.
I have tried to get an occupation order against him but difficult when it’s just shouting.
i have nowhere to go
he doesn’t physically abuse me so women’s aid etc are not really interested in helping
The constant shouting at me sort of breaks me down and I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.
ive tried to explain his behaviour but people think it’s trivial or the way I explain it is funny, but it’s not.
His voice is so loud, it hurts my head and I think it’s impaired my ability to think rationally
Because he repeats the same things over and over, and never thinks he’s done anything wrong, it’s impossible to have a conversation and I end up giving up.
if there are days when he isn’t shouting, I am delighted. Like that’s just become my relationship standard now. Not shouting - perfect. It’s sad.

I suppose just thought I’d post here to see if anyone might have ever experienced anything similar? and if so, what you did about it.

thanks for reading. Sorry for the long post xx

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honestly op

this sounds like hell on earth

and your children’s childhoods have been horrendous

forget the house. You move out. with your children. You work? go to citizens advice. today

he doesn’t physically abuse me so women’s aid etc are not really interested in helping

im guessing you haven’t actually ever called them

Thank you. XxI know I didn’t mention the children much but you are correct. I feel so horrendous for them. Always. It kind of goes without saying.

I have done. The issue with women aid is that they have really bad cases of physical abuse etc. and when I say he’s shouting at me, they don’t seem too concerned. xx

And you’re letting your kids live in this?? How awful.

You have a duty of care to them to leave.

op you need to be honest with us

woman’s aid would not have dismissed if you’d told them what you have said in your op

do you work?

does he work?

Give tenants notice and move to your small house. A too small house away from him will tide you over until you sort your joint house out

Tbh I'd confide in the schools and let them make a referral to social services. A social worker will then come round, talk to all, and basically engage with your husband to let him know that any more behaviour like this and he must agree to leave the home. Most abusive men take a few goes to get it, they get up in arms and act out, but if you tell the sw and ring the police, it soon ramps down.

I'd do that alongside solicitor letter about divorce and a robust safety plan. Dial 999 when he is shouting and let them come and take him time and time again until he gets the message.

He may not leave the home until divorce comes through but he absolutely must stop his behaviour while the children live there. And the social worker and police will help you. xxx

It's not just shouting though, it's harassment that he won't leave you alone and follows you, it's emotional abuse to keep shouting at you and child abuse that he does it in front of of the children, use this to get your occupation order and divorce him.

Give the tenants notice and move into the 'too small' house. People use to live several families to a house, just turn the living room into a bedroom if you have to and have the kitchen as the hub of the house.

You are allowing yourself and the boys yo be abused, they don't have a choice in this you do. Living safely in a small house is far better than living with an abusive alcoholic.

He doesn’t hit me. (Has once in the past but I defended myself and he hasn’t done it since.)

The fact you defended yourself isn't a result you know.

Nor is not hitting you some sort of default status by which to judge your relationship.

He should never have hit you in the first place.

This is no way to have to live. Please start to take steps to leave.

Why isn’t your other house big enough? Do you mean your children would have to share or only 1 bedroom? I’d seriously get out of their, you have to for your poor children. You own another property, have a good job, you need to give notice to the tenant and go. Block your partner and contact the police if he won’t leave you alone. You deserve far better than this and your poor children especially do. Growing up in an abusive household has long lasting effects on children. Get out now and start therapy for all of you. You can do this, there is support out there and abuse isn’t just physical so women’s aid will offer advice.

What does a solicitor say? I know you say the other house is too small but how small? A bit crushed in together and happy with your sons is better than space and being miserable, especially for your sons.
Other options are when he’s shouting and aggressive is call the police.

Did you tell womens aid EVERYTHING you've written in your first post?

I have a second house (in my name only) but this is small and has a tenant in there. Wouldn’t be big enough for me and the boys. how small is too small? I'd look into this option to get away from him. Could you sell it and find something different?

you have a second house with a tenant

your children have been enduring this hellish shit show for YEARS

you could have ended the tenancy ages ago

1. Issue a section 21 notice to your tenants. Do it soon, preferably this week. The property may be too small, but it'll do as a stop-gap.

1. Get back in touch with your solicitor and pursue the occupation order. Make it stick this time.

1. Do a thorough assessment of your finances. Can you afford to keep the house? Alternatively, can you rent somewhere until your tenants move out and/or the house is sold?

Also, can you get counseling to try and stay sane while you deal with all this?

I'd tell the tenant ASAP that you need them to move out as you need to live there. The children will cope sharing a room, they'd probably put up with it if it means you are happy and they're away from your husband.

Thanks for the advice. Yes, we both work. He does agency work. It’s really low paid. My job is a bit better.

the house is a one bedroomed town house. One small living room and small kitchen. It really is too small for us to live in. Selling it is an option but could take time and I don’t know if that would make me go into negative equity. Possibly.

the advice about social services is an avenue I haven’t explored before, so thank you for that. I will tell the school this week. I never wanted to contact ss before because I didn’t want my children to be taken off me.

I know it’s a shit show and I am weak or whatever. It’s been really difficult living in a situation - especially with no support and knowing that he won’t help when we end it. But you’re all right. I do have a duty to my children. It is painful to think I have stayed for so long.

You are allowing your kids to be subjected to daily abuse.

It's awful for you, but it's worse for them.

You have a place to go, so take the kids and go there. Don't keep subjecting them to this horror.

Presumably regardless of anything you will have to go to court to sell the family home. So start the process.

Ask your neighbours to phone the police every time they can hear abusive shouting. This should help with the occupation order.

If the police ever turn up let them arrest him!

I know for certain that Women’s Aid do support women who are in emotionally abusive relationships not just physically abusive ones.
Can you please try phoning again?

This a thousands times over. I didn't read past the first reply because they said everything that needs to be said. Your children will now carry lifelong issues because of your refusal to leave (yes, I know it's him that's the abusive one but it's not him posting here).

OP, you must find a way to sepeparate, for the sake of your children let alone yourself. This sounds an unbearable way to live! He bowbeats you, intimidates you and makes your life and the children's lives an absolute misery.
Please see a solicitor asap to get advice re finances and also contact Womens Aid again and tell them everything you've written here. He is abusive and they should be able to advise you on how to separate from him.
Your little rented house will be fine for a starting point, children can share a bedroom and you can have a sofa bed in the other room. Anything would be better than the life you and the children are being subjected to now!