Hi, this is my first time posting here so not really sure how it works but I’ve read some other threads and you all seem to have good advice.
Ive got two boys 14 and 11. I’m not married, but been with my partner for 22 years. I think things were ok in the beginning, but he’s been verbally abusive for about 15 years. (I know. 🙈)
I don’t have family around me. Actually no support network at all. My dad died when I was a teenager and my mother has had various mental and physical health problems and just hasn’t been able to help. I think that’s really the reason I have stayed for so long. Just don’t think I’ll cope on my own.
Ive always worked full time and earn the most money out of the two of us. I have a second house (in my name only) but this is small and has a tenant in there. Wouldn’t be big enough for me and the boys.
my partner refuses to move out or sell the house we live in (jointly owned)
he is an alcoholic. He will shout so loudly that all the neighbours hear him. Neighbours have actually asked me if I’m ok, or if he hits me too. He doesn’t hit me. (Has once in the past but I defended myself and he hasn’t done it since.)
He is so negative. Anything I ask him to do he will tell me that it doesn’t need doing and he refuses to help. He will also say repeatedly that “he goes to work” because I work from home a lot. He doesn’t see what I do as work. - so he will tell me that I do f all.
I do everything with the kids. He never takes them anywhere.
it’s hard for me to put his behaviour into words because it’s so bonkers so I’ve tried to bullet point it:
watches my face when I’m on my phone and if I smile, I’m obviously texting another man - shouts
refuses to help with anything I ask. Shouts that he goes out to work and isn’t going to spend his time off helping me
if I’m upset, he’s more upset. Shouts.
refuses dinner I cook (he normally cleans up and hates mess. Plus he is on a liquid diet of beer!) so will shout around mealtimes. He’s made the kids fussy eaters because of it.
shouts at the kids all the time.
constantly sends me text messages asking for sex ( I stopped sleeping with him about a year ago.) separate rooms. Just the thought of going near him makes me feel sick.
Will say that all he wants is a nice weekend (which to him means sex) and when that doesn’t happen, shouts.
says he’s got nothing in his life.
will be nice to me and then horrible in the same sentence.
when I just ignore his shouting, he will follow me around shouting in my face that I’m horrible to him and he says constantly, “why are you treating me this way?
never in 22 years has he ever admitted that anything is his fault.
All weekend, there were arguments as normal. He came outside in the garden, where I was with my youngest, shouting (really aggressively) that we need to have words and that I’m a horrible bitch. Then he started shouting my name and that I’m frigid. (Everyone was in their gardens. It’s so embarrassing.)
i told him it’s totally over (which he never accepts) and then he just follows me around saying, “what have I done?” And crying.
it’s honestly mental. It’s more mental than I’ve written above, but I know there is probably a word limit. Lol.
i know everyone will tell me to leave, and I’ve tried to hundreds of times. Problems are:
he will not leave.
he will not agree to selling the house.
I have tried to get an occupation order against him but difficult when it’s just shouting.
i have nowhere to go
he doesn’t physically abuse me so women’s aid etc are not really interested in helping
The constant shouting at me sort of breaks me down and I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.
ive tried to explain his behaviour but people think it’s trivial or the way I explain it is funny, but it’s not.
His voice is so loud, it hurts my head and I think it’s impaired my ability to think rationally
Because he repeats the same things over and over, and never thinks he’s done anything wrong, it’s impossible to have a conversation and I end up giving up.
if there are days when he isn’t shouting, I am delighted. Like that’s just become my relationship standard now. Not shouting - perfect. It’s sad.
I suppose just thought I’d post here to see if anyone might have ever experienced anything similar? and if so, what you did about it.
thanks for reading. Sorry for the long post xx
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