Would you be embarrassed?

[WhatIsThisTomFoolery24]

Just for context, I have a small issue with understanding if things are "normal" or not. I think I am ND, although undiagnosed. I've been in a toxic LTR for such a long time, I can't determine if this is ok or not. I feel like I've been gaslit forever so I cannot trust my own judgement.

I was at a formal work function with DH. Think evening dress and heels. There were marquees set up outside with alcoholic drinks and round tables. Food and non alcoholic drinks were set up inside the house, with about 12 steep stairs leading to the house.

I asked my DH to get me a non alcoholic drink from inside, stating I was wearing ridiculous heels and was worried I'd trip over the stairs! He then puts on this 10 minute performance, in front of the other wives I was sitting with, about how lazy I am & how I should be able to get my own drink etc etc. Eventually, he agrees to get me a drink, but not before making it abundantly clear what a giant favor he was doing for me and how I should be grateful what a good guy he is.

Looking at the faces of these wives, they looked on in horror. All of whom said their husbands would automatically get them a drink, without being asked. So I was really embarrassed that A/ my DH made me out to be this lazy wife (I'm not) and B/ he acted like a dick in front of others.

Thoughts?

Yes I think that was a bit of a dick move by him and I’m glad no one laughed at his “joke”. I would be having a word about it and showing respect to eachother in public (and private) x

Well my DH would have gone and got me one for sure. He may have teased me about being lazy but it would have clearly been in jest.

He was a dick and showed himself up. I hope you don’t feel it’s a reflection on you though because it’s not, only him.

What is keeping you in this marriage? What more would he have to do to make you leave?

Thanks. Its so funny, as early on in this function, he grabbed himself a drink (remember I mentioned alcoholic drinks under the marquee), but didn't offer to get me one. When he finally got around to asking if I wanted a drink, upon delivery of said drink, he puts on this husband of the year act by asking if he can get anyone else anything.... Literally offers to get everyone else a drink for show, but can't get his own wife a drink.

I would be embarrassed if I were HIM, not you.

Is this a symptom of general poor behaviour op?

@ClickClickety Have you ever been gaslit? For almost 20 years? You have zero self esteem, minimal self confidence. Your DH is such a great actor, everyone else thinks he is so fabulous and you are so lucky to have landed such a catch. Only you know the truth, only you seem him without the mask. Its complex and complicated, when you have been conditioned to believe that this is what you deserve and you won't do any better. Trust me, he's done WAY WORSE and I still haven't left...

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened is it.

How did you ask him? I think tone is important here

No.

@Comedycook I believe I asked him nicely. I explained, due to my stupid shoes (high heels, rarely wear them), I was worried I'd trip on the stairs, so could he possibly nip in and grab me a drink. Most normal people (i think) would say "sure, no worries", but mine did not. Went on this tangent about how lazy I am!

If you can see what he is doing then you have some awareness of how he has stolen your self-esteem. How is your life going to get better? You clearly realise this isn’t healthy. I am sorry he’s so unloving and disrespectful to you OP.

@BleachedJumper yes, i think so

Well you’re posting and you know it’s wrong. You also know other people saw his behaviour so I doubt everyone thinks he’s great, they just don’t tell you they think he’s a twat.

You can leave. You should leave. I hope you do. Focussing on something you say in insignificant against his other worse crimes won’t help you.

Those other women were horrified by your husband’s behaviour and rightly so.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

@AnneLovesGilbert I want to leave and I know I SHOULD leave, but I am so enmeshed with him. I am so co-dependent on him. I don't know how to survive without him. Its sad and pathetic, i know.

He’s conditioned you into thinking that you would not thrive without him. You need to rebuild your life from the ground up and whilst that seems impossible it is not.

Would you be willing to talk to Womens Aid whilst he is out?

Look, you need to leave this complete and utter twat. He doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you. I'm sorry that sounds so harsh but it's so obviously true.

See a counsellor who can help you get away from him.

@MounjaroUser I fear and suspect what you say is 100% correct.

I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to reply, i really do.

Can we please not turn this this thread into a "When are you leaving him" thread.

I KNOW he is a DICK. And I know I am a FOOL, but for reason's I cannot get into right now, leaving is not an option. Not yet - think living in a foreign country, no income, kids etc. You get the picture. I have to bide my time.

In the interim, I'm trying to build my squad, squirrel away some money, start making plans for another life. Its really fucking hard to do, when even your parents don't support you wanting to leave and actively encourage you to stay.

I think you are missing the point.

You can only depend on "you " it seems.

The fact your parents aren't supporting you.

Start your leaving plan...maybe years away but Start it.

He is being a prick…

Bide your time and plan your exit, play the idiot if you have to but definitely get your ducks in a row as they say… and leave!

Well yes he sounds like an arsehole. The other wives there obviously thought so too. But if you're prepared to stay and be treated like that, I'm not sure what you're asking here? You deserve better but only you can make the changes to your life that are needed.