Issues and the and of the honeymoon period when you’re dating as an older woman

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I’m 45 and have been dating a man 44 for about 16 months now. This time last year we were totally loved up, going on lots of fun dates, trips and I even travelled on holiday with him to his home country to meet his family. There was pretty much no conflict between us and everything just seemed to click.

Over this past summer it seems like the honeymoon period is well and truly over and I feel like while he isn’t pulling back from me as such he does seem to want more time alone to dedicate to his hobbies and he seems less keen to be spending as much on going out, for meals and to clubs or bars and the like. He is also less happy about the large commute to see me as he lives about a 90 minute drive away.

When we first started dating this didn’t seem to bother him at all and he would even come out to see me in the evenings sometimes and then have to get up really early to drive back to go to work. Now that pretty much never happens, as he says he is too tired which I understand it is just disappointing that he now seems less keen to see me. I do and have always driven to see him as well but as he lived in a shared flat its was usually better for him to come to me as I live alone in my own flat. His view is that going out a lot is what you do initially but then as you get more comfortable going out is rarer so he didn’t misrepresent himself, while I feel like getting dressed up and going out to nice places has always been something I love to do.

He has been talking about getting a different job closer to me since last Christmas and moving in with me, but he keeps saying there isn’t anything suitable or that he hasn’t got an interview for something he sent his CV for. He is a warehouse worker so I know that there probably is work he could get if he tried. I own my flat, all my family are here while he rents a room in a shared flat and is only tied to his location by low paid job he could probably replicate easily elsewhere. All his family are in Europe so he has no ties really.

He also seems fed up of some things about me, like I don’t cook, I never have and never will its just a chore to me so I prefer to eat out or make do with something easy like a ready prepared meal I can bung in the oven. He’s a great cook and I love to eat his food but I feel like now that we are staying in more he’s fed up with doing the cooking and if its my turn to cook eating a supermarket pizza and salad for example, which he never used to bother about.

I am a higher earner than him and have my own home so I can understand that he can’t afford to be going out to eat as much as I would like or getting takeaway but I’ve just never liked cooking and he knows this.

I don’t know that all this is fatal, but I just hate that my honeymoon period is over and especially at my age where even if you meet and fall in love with someone you still have to wait a year or so to see how things will pan out when you both come out of the infatuation fug. I feel like I already compromised on certain things to be with him because he was so happy to be with me and made me feel really loved and wanted. I also get that its normal for the initial phase of a relationship to end for things to settle into a more relaxed vibe but its also so hard to lose that energy.

I suppose it just feels like even when you think you are wise and have your eyes open its so hard to see all the pitfalls until your out of the initial stages if you’ve been lucky enough to fall in love the its another year or two gone by and your now even older and coming face to face with certain issues that might not be resolvable.

If he can't be bothered to put sufficient effort into the relationship, you'll become more and more resentful. It sounds like you have your shit together and would be a catch that any man worth his salt would appreciate. Maybe he needs reminding of that. He doesn't sound like he has much going for him, tbh. Be single and happy, not in a half relationship where you're settling for less than you're worth.

I think it very well could be fatal as he seems to find the ability to cook to be a huge priority, which it sounds like he overlooked initially, but likely always niggled at him. I’m not at all saying you should cook, but for him it sounds like a big deal and a compatibility mismatch.

Someone who doesn't and won't cook would be an issue for me, I don't like eating processed foods where possible and I agree if you've been together a while or live together you're not going to be going out multiple times a week which means I'd have to cook all the time. That might seem minor but DH couldn't cook and doesn't enjoy it, he's learned a few basic recipes so it's not on me all of the time, it shows consideration

If he doesn’t like your cooking he should cook. You clearly show appreciation for this. Are you looking to move in together or anything like that? I think you really need to have a serious chat beforehand and iron these things out. If you can’t, then it’s better to know really isn’t it.

@MilkToast I think it’s just that I like to go out and I can afford to do that while he can’t and so we stay in more but unless he cooks from scratch then I just order takeout or buy something ready made. He’s Italian and I think just culturally good food and cooking is important to him.

@jubs15 I do get that when it’s early days and you are just falling in love then any issues can feel minor like the travelling he had to do to see me and that when your past that stage it feels more difficult. I do think I had to overlook a lot of things with him being an immigrant to this country and so I don’t expect him to have all the things I do.

We did talk about him moving in here and getting a job closer to where I live but nothing has happened on that front in 8 months of him supposedly looking.

Well we didn’t want to rush, it was what could happen in the future not an immediate offer. His job is a long drive away. Again he isn’t from the UK and is a fairly low skilled immigrant to this country so his position is perhaps a bit more precarious than if he were British.

Distance is a killer for a lot of relationships, especially if he is on a low income and would need to leave really early for work. Wouldn't appeal to me either.

Doesn't sound like you are particularly compatible overall. It's not unreasonable to not want to live off takeaways and ready meals, all adults should be able to cook a proper meal whether they enjoy it or not. Home cooking is clearly important to him and not to you, men who can't/won't cook is often a deal breaker so can't see him being unreasonable if it is for him too.

I think the food thing might actually be quite a big issue. He clearly enjoys good food whereas you are happy to eat frozen pizza. As someone who likes to cook, like good food, nice wine etc. I wouldn't want to live with someone who doesn't share that interest as it becomes quite lonely. That on top of the distance would probably make anyone re-think if it's worth it or not.

It sounds like you’ve had a lovely time together in lots of ways but there are some bit differences/incompatibilities which taken together, and along with him generally being a bit less keen and putting in less effort might mean it’s time to have a chat and call it a day.

• the distance
• the difference in earnings, lifestyle and ambition
• sounds like he’s more of a home body and you’re more someone who likes to go out
• differences in attitudes to food and cooking

I guess that just is how it goes - it takes about this length of time to really get to know someone properly and work out if you’re compatible. It’s not wasted time. And you will more than likely get to enjoy that honeymoon period with someone else in due course!

^^ 100% this ,

@User364837 I get this but its also that I want a life partner, someone to live with ideally either here or in a place we buy together and I'm 45! I know I won't have a baby at this point but I'd still like to get married if possible. I really thought he was it for me.

Prior to meeting him and post 40 I was definitely getting the vibe that there were few men my age who were nice and even fewer of them with their life together. I've been messed about so much over the past 10 years and told so often I'm too old that I just can't face starting again.

It’s never a good idea to stay in a relationship that isn’t right because you don’t think you’ll do any better though is it.

I love good food and the ready made food I buy is always excellent quality, I'm not shopping at iceland for goodfella's pizza and if I order take out its is from a proper restaurant so it is good food and we do share a love of good food.

He always knew right from the start I was not into cooking and it wasn't an issue until recently, he even told me it didn't matter but now it does. I know I might not be his ideal but I also compromised a lot he is a very low earner, has no savings and lives in a rented shared flat, things that for many women would be a deal breaker and he's experienced rejection due to that but I was able to see past that and accept him for who he was.

He's warm, kind, loving, he genuinely wants to be with me unlike so many of the other men I have been with who seem to like me until they find someone better or younger. I don't know if you are trying to say I am being unfair to categorise him like this but lots of people on here would not date him due to his status and I have had friends say similar but I'd rather have a good man than a rich man.

@Unwantedstepchild yes he is settled here.

I think you are being a bit unrealistic. The honeymoon period is never going to last, going out all the time isn't the reality of daily life for most people and both you and him could make the effort to cook some simple meals. His lack of effort in moving closer doesn't help but if you are having doubts, then maybe he is too.

If it doesn't feel right, however, there is no point in plodding on. It may be you never have a good relationship again, though at your age, that's a very defeatist view. It's your call - what feels worse - carrying on as you are or moving on to something new?

You do sound slightly like you feel you are trading down going out with him, or that he should be grateful to have such a catch. That may well be true! But if you are conveying that to him, it's not a nice feeling. Especially when it comes to money being one of the pinch points, no man likes to feel he is not able to meet his girlfriends/partners expectations - plus he clearly considers at least some of these expectations, like eating out all the time, to be of little value to him when he is such a good cook himself. I'm more on his way of thinking to be honest, but that's not to say you are wrong, just different. I think there is an incompatibility there that you are now aware of once the initial buzz has worn off. Sorry, I don't think this has legs.

It sounds like he has lost interest and is doing a slow fade.

You could learn to cook. You might even learn to enjoy it. I think the bigger problem will be your social lives / incomes. If you live together and he can’t afford to go out as much as you would like you will have three choices. 1 - pay for both of you, which he might not agree to and you’ll probably end up resenting. 2 - go out without him. If that’s often, he will end up being at home alone while you’re frequently out enjoying yourself and he’ll become resentful. 3 - you go out much less than you would like to = resentment.

Op, the writing is on the wall, I suggest you read it. The relationship is over. He's doing the classic slow fade because he's too cowardly to be the one to end it. Stop wasting your time and move on to better things. Honestly, you're well shot of him.